Tag Archives: hope

I poured every ounce of my soul into this…

Everyone needs a hero in their life…. here is mine –

video 2…. just a dilusion?   updated 2014:  It’s like I killed the only  thing that made me feel safe….. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ce3LZzZLz]

Video Poetry
By: ~L

If you could, hold on for just a bit.

I am not sure how long yet, but I think it’s best if I take a break from posting new writes for for a bit.  I will still read when I can from my subscribers blog.

I am under an extreme amount of pressure and situational struggles that need my  attention.  It’s hard to make this decision because it is you, my readers who are very encouraging and affirming.  I appreciate each one of you and I’m very grateful for the kindness you have shown me.

I don’t know how long it will be?  …perhaps a week, two… or maybe a poem once every other week. (…through one up there for a Free Write Friday and just let it be, with out the pressure of the ‘rules’ of poetry.  Of course those rules are mostly my own set of standers and perhaps ridicules ones – but none the least… I allow it to suck me in to play the role of pressuring me to ‘do it just so’)

I will still be writing (always), yet for now it will be with pen and paper (and a sore hand) ;) Feel free to read previous posts and share your thoughts if you feel so led :) I just edited five posts that explain my story as best as it could be shared… so much that I even learned about myself re-reading them today… and you know you’re going through a slump when that happens.

You can catch up there or wherever when you want to. When your comments come across my phone throughout the day, they always give me a warm feeling that someone is caring at the moment enough to take the time to share their thoughts about reading something I wrote from my heart.
Continue reading

Delaying Sundown

Delaying Sundown

It is as if everything leaves your body. Your soul is all that is left and you would do about anything to stay in a place so holy. Your mind starts ripping you back to your flesh, thoughts instigate an interference; you are slipping from glory. The senses…  intense. Concentration interrupted during the moment’s in-between and your mind fights to stay; yet the magnet of your disruptive thoughts lures you away. There are those fleetingly  glorious, travels, back to that inconceivable realm and for a split second…  you are just that soul once again.

Distractions, they pull you away, and you let them… although it seems like you are trying with every ounce of your being… your mind continues to battle for a place in this remarkable space. Judgments of self-worth leave you feeling unworthy of just being a soul… you give up on your fight; although your experience may have been mind-blowing; you let your mind stay with the views of obscurities. You’ve seen and experienced too much loss of hope. Your mind has let your soul slip out of that glorious sphere one too many times. Evil has tainted sanctity and now your mind believes, it is shame that deserves the stake in your heart.

To deserve to be in such a moment where all energy leaves, where you become weightless, where you are fully wrapped in a moment as your mind allows all logic and science to be placed on hold – while you experience fully being one with a force unexplainable; it is going to take much practice, self-love and a lot of faith… until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…


– Until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…

I Will Paint You A Rainbow

I Will Paint You A Rainbow
By: ~L

If your rainbow becomes lost
I shall paint one for you in the sky

I will pull out my ladder
Use a magical brush
Paint you your hope
And bring to you love so lush

When skies are gray
and your moments are sad
I will passionately pray
For a promise to be made

You told me yesterday
“I’m your hope mommy”
And today I tell you,

You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
Please don’t take my rainbow away

There will be days when you too
Will feel your rainbow has disappeared
I will be there through and through
To be your artist in the sky
To give ‘my reason’ a hopeful view

For my beautiful little girl who I call ‘my reason’

Poem Read by: ~L with a song to her little girl at the end.

She Lives In A Fairy Tale

She lived in the fairy tales;
A world she had to learn  to leave behind

Narnia now trails
and she’s much too old
to set a sail;
to play make- believe,
is now only naive

“Never – Never Land”
is never to be restored.
Her enchantment lingers
no more
She’s gone back to reality  forevermore…


The time has come
to bury this castle
Time to sail away
Say goodbye to her hero
and  bid farewell to the magic
Reality…. it’s tragic

Time to face the ugly truth?
To speak out loud the proof?
Healing is in voice?
Violence must be muttered
This child speaks and flutters
As she’s ripped from the only security ever known

Continue reading

Feed The Faith ~ Starve The Doubt

          Feed The Faith ~ Starve The Doubt

Light of Life

I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow

Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief

Feed the faith
Starve the doubt

For ‘UncertainMe and all Her AmbiguousValues”

(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear

Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved

Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted

Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms

We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted
Continue reading

I choose to believe in hope

Despite sorrow
and troubling times

I desire to persevere
through the fear
the past
the hurt
And the darkness that rears

With the Spirit of God
and His light that
continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity and
setbacks in achieving victory

I choose to believe in hope

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
Why have I been so naive?
The true touch of God
I must believe

In my perseverance
I understand the urgency to press on with
the firmness of truth
and the determination
to overcome

In the void of harmonies…
The loneliness of absent camaraderie’s…
The sorrows of yesterdays…
I shall remember this is not a new song

I choose to believe in hope

There will be a day
when His glory will slay
that dreadful sorrow
void – negated
Loneliness – betrayed
And darkness forever desecrated

We have tasted glory
Felt the warmth of heaven’s luminosity
Let us not neglect
the old, old story
when light was spoken
and darkness divided

Even in the pressing void
Flooded sorrow’s
and distressing loneliness we feel…

Death has not overcome
Darkness has not won
The light has not been defeated
Not all has been deleted
Truth has become
Because of the Son

In this world we will have trouble
But take heart
Our Creator has said
“I have overcome the World”

I choose to believe in hope

So I shall have a steadfastness to keep on despite difficulty
Keep hope in the delays
of achieving success
I will have a continuance
in a state of grace
Leading finally to a state of glory
As it’s humbly embraced

When the fullness of light
meets the dark in it’s final hour
Darkness will cower
tremble at the sound of victory
and surrender it’s tower

Oh what a splendid day that will empower
With determination and courage I shall persevere awaiting that hour

I choose to believe in hope


Trust, Grief, and Hope

Trust and grief can coincide.
It is still awful.
Trust does not make the pain go away.
TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE.
HOPE sees BEYOND the pain.
Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.

(heard something like this 
a few months ago 
from a really good 
church service)


…………….. I AM ……………

… trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain


I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.

I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.

Continue reading

It is well with my soul

As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!

? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how?  How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul?  Do you know what you are asking of me at times?  Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?

Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.

How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?

How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.

There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.

Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips.  We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.

They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.

Remember, you’re (we’re)  tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?

We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.

No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)

It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul

To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;) 

a quick history to this song…. it  is heartbreaking beautiful!  A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800’s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found….  it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”

Light divided darkness

Despite the sorrow
And  troubling times

I desire to persevere
Through the fear
And the darkness that  rears

With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…

The victory has already been spoken

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?

Continue reading


Sometimes all you can do is pray that HIS army will rise up and slay this darkness…. Because I need to sleep… I need to function… I need HIS hiding place. I am so tired… so very very tired…

For anyone who believes in prayer… Let the church rise…


I will rise! (in a thousand words) ;)

No poems tonight; just a passionate girl writing about what was stolen, what is wrong, what has been taken and also what is right, what has been given and what will be replaced! I never seek for people to think … Continue reading

PMS meets Depression… Dammit!

Libresse tampons stylish pack design


PMS is Depressions worst enemy. I suppose for guys too it would be hard to be depressed and have to deal with a hormonal cranky nagging women once a month :)

But girls… you know that beyond the bloating and frequent stops to the bathroom that are just a wast of time… and once a month you can’t ware white. (well i did that once in rebellion of the curse of periods… and regretful inform you it didn’t go well for me… all that and I was singing at a small coffee shop when the gravity decided to play a funny trick on me as I had my favorite cute white pants on :-/ ) anyway… off that bunny trail (ADD moment) All the bloating and inconvenience of being a girl, can be tiresome, but with all that boldly stated… there is nothing worse than being the girl who suffers from major PMS and being engulfed in depression. Talk about the worst 5 days… emotional, dramatic and out of control.

I didn’t even watch the Super Bowl on Sunday because I was convinced my world as I knew it was coming to an end. Drama, drama, drama :) .  …and I love football almost as much as I love my kids;)

I am not going to minimize the pain that I am feeling Depression is very real to me and the emotions I feel are real. Yesterday morning when I awoke after crying my self to sleep and saying many things I did not mean and MAJORLY regret, I was greeted with the curse of our visiting monthly nightmare :) I was not… I repeat NOT smiling then! I out loud told God I was mad at Him. I emotionally stated that this was not funny… this is not a joking mater… My emotions where real! ugh!!! :) oh yes… I then cried for the next 5 hours. So lets just say that the already emotional feelings i had were intensified by 10 from the greatness of PMS.

As I write to you today it’s 11am and I am showered and smiling and ready to face this ugly war and yell at all the lies that the evilness tells me to believe. I am going to do something today and enjoy it! I am going to smile… and laugh… and may cry; yet when the (what I believe are awful…) tears come… I wont think the world is ending.

I have much to face in the next many many months. Many decisions need to be made. I am going to make sure I don’t let my emotions get int he way of my judgement as I make them. I have to realize that depression is a disease and it’s a process to learn how to understand it all.

I am not saying that my posts are going to be full of sunshine. BUT! THEY will be filled with a little more hope… yes and pain… but realizing that beauty comes from pain. (but honest I will be… )

I am off to fight the day… not tomorrow but today.


I’m trusting… So please don’t let go of me….


… such good lyrics… make sure you listen to the song attached at the end:)

Don’t know where to begin
Its like my world’s caving in
And I try but I can’t control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You
Continue reading

the more I try the more it hurts…

Dark series #12 - the forest rouse

Image by Xavier Fargas via Flickr

Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world isn’t getting any better
The more we try to get
closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I’ve spent so many nights wondering when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I’m running the race but it seems too hard to win
I’m sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I’m calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart’s been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can’t take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left

Continue reading

I am not yours, I am not mine

I am not yours
I am not mine
I was born in secrecy
Born among thieves
Born into a family where
addictions cradled me
and evil tucked me in.
Where the waves of the dark sea
sung to me lullabies each and ever night!

I was born into a family that was well acquainted with pain
Thrown in a cradle of addictions
My father an alcoholic
My mother an addict

And yet although both my mother and fathers’ addiction affected me
It was the my grandfather’ addiction
That would prove to be the root
of all the strongholds that have enslaved my life.

I am not yours I am not mine
And yet I was born to you
Born into your secrecy
And all of your thievery.
All of your madness has made me separate from loving you.

I may have my mother’s laugh
And my father’s passions
I may attempt at times to be a part of your genealogy
but will live my own legacy.
I may consider that a normal gathering is a desire of mine.
But when I think about all you have done to destroy me
I remember…

I am not yours
I am not mine
I was only allowed to be thrown into the storm that you created.
forced into a gathering of evilness
as you spoke against my creator
and stole my innocence
night after hell damned night!

Who am I

If I am not yours
And I am not mine
The question than lies
Than Whom do I belong?

Continue reading


Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies.
Inside her mind lies a raging war… damaging deceit against hidden truths.
Inside her heart lies a sadness that she must tell this little girl
what really happened long ago.
Yet, inside her soul lies a Savior who uniquely created a mind
to change the world.
She has been preserved for a moment as such,
to share with the world who she was always meant to be

She thinks with color
And comprehends life as a song
The earth teaches her more than the words in a book
And passion fills her soul as she urges to fight injustice …..

Deep within this vessel lie colors unseen
within her eyes lies a story untold
behind her smile lies a joy that she can’t explain.
A joy that manages to push its way through the underlying ache
Even through the rampant war… her smile lingers on.

He tried and tried to steal her soul
Telling her that her eyes were cursed
Her lips where his
And her body was meant for the moments he created
She was told her voice was null
And she could void all her dreams
because she was meant for him
for nothing less
and nothing more
She was left emptied on an alter of humiliation and shame.

It’s time for her to look inside and put together the real me
It’s time for her to really know that all his words were murdering lies
and she was meant for so much more.
It’s time for her body to see the reflection in the mirror
and know that the eyes she sees carries a love for the brokenhearted
not for him to gaze into and make her feel dirty
And her lips are not cursed as he told her…
rather they are meant to give sweet kisses to her children
and speak out against injustice, to speak in courage,
and put to rest his control once and for all.

Her mind may have been tortured
but it’s time she claims power over the once dominant
And reminds herself that there has been a savior deep within her soul
Persevering her to be the women she is today.

She can laugh
She can sing
She can smile
She can dance

And he can’t tell her she’s any different than what she really is
Beautifully made to behold such a dream to make a difference and claim her name
The name he tried to bury with her innocence and dignity.
I am who I am.
Nothing less and nothing more

I laugh loud
I sing loud
I talk much
I smile at random beauty
and dance to the beautiful melody that lingers in my soul!
My mind is always on the go
I think with color and often put a song to everything I encounter

Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies
Inside her mind lies a raging war… damaging deceit against hidden truths
Inside her heart lies a sadness that she must tell this little girl what really happened long ago.
Yet, inside her soul lies a Savior who uniquely created a mind to change the world.
She has been preserved for a moment as such to share with the world who she was always meant to be!

~I think the words to this song have been in my soul long before it was written… One thing for sure I know is that it was Jesus who rescued me from the the dark sky and no matter how awful it got I could always sing to Jesus!  This is the song that has lived in my heart for many years… and will till my final heart beat and until that day I will sing to Jesus and be who he has created me to be… His creative and beautiful Child… and I will believe that even if I doubt myself today…

Recovery begins when….

My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
but that’s all I hear is the monsters resounding echoes…
telling me I’m stupid
telling me I’m his

Recovery begins
When you set fire to the lies
When you face the fear
And deny the power of his shaming voice.

Recovery begins
With each breath that is spoken
With each tear that wells up
With each memory penned in ink
All against the evilness of his quest….

My spirit fights in the storm
In search for the forgotten memories
Gathering what’s left
from the damning damage that he created…
all as I was mercilessly forced to endure in the confusion
and harbor a greater pain and relentless torture
of this man that had a dark fixation on my once innocent now bleeding heart.

I’m still listening for my Fathers voice…

Recovery begins
In opening up
In telling my sad story
My story of a girl who was stripped of her virtue
Stripped of her voice
And left forgotten in a world where no one noticed the damage being done
where the villain seemed to always win and the innocence of her small life was tossed into the summer wind.

Recovery begins
When I’m assured that I’m not alone
When I’m assured that I’m not stupid
That what he did was not my fault
And I’m not out of my mind

Whisper to me…
Take me away in the wind
Let me feel the presence of my redeemer…
Recovery begins with HIM!

Little girl I am freeing us today
I am putting voice to our sad story
Defeating the monster
Declaring our memories as is
And no one can take us down

My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
And this is what it’s saying…

He’s telling us we are not alone
That recover began at the cross
Recovery began then
And recovery begins now
It begins with the voice of Love

Recovery begins
When I release the grasp of the darkness
When I step out of the shadows
And let the light bring the reality
Of the sadness

Recovery begins
When I let the voice of the redeemer
be the only echoing voice with in.
Recovery begins when I let go of all I have been clinging to and
allow His healing hands to recover me from the ashes
and turn me into something beautiful.


*I’ve never found a more perfect song to fit a post before.  I hope you take the time to listen to this beautiful song by Firefight…. it is perfect!  You would think that I wrote this post after I heard this song… yet I found it after as I was searching for a fitting song…. it was meant to be…