13 pages of nothing

i have 13 open pages with 13 different posts started. At times I think that words can’t express what the soul is crying out. I have this fear that my world as I know it has stopped spinning and all the chapters have fallen from the sky right at my feet and I know… I know it all. …and I’m scared.

Here I stand in this empty field (literally) all i keep praying for is to feel a touch… a loving touch… a safe touch. I scream inside the same pleas. -If only a mother to hold me as I fall to my knees. a voice whispering wisdom as I exhale this heavy realness of pain.

Emotions here i sit in. and long for a peace that passes all understanding. and as I pray and grieve… and the peace does not come i feel unworthy and dirty and wonder why no one comes. wonder what it is in this moment that i am doing so wrong.

I feel as if my seemingly best-est of friends walk by this wounded girl and walk quickly by… the ones who see me hurting it’s just not in their time to understand… ugh… and some may try… but i don’t want to fake life… i need someone to hold me in this strife…. because it’s all coming together and it hurts… oh… how it hurts… i know we all have busy lives… but someone…

ahhhh… i am screaming inside! I clench my teeth in hate and disgust for the pattern of this madness… i feel so alone!

i reject this foolish emotion… and long to be free from this bondage.

have you ever wanted to be held so bad, by someone who will allow you to fall apart, that it hurts so bad that it is murdering your soul and all you can think of is screaming for help.

I just want to write… but all I can do is feel… and what my body is feeling is too much pain from the memories.





17 responses to “13 pages of nothing

  1. I know how this goes and I hope this isn’t what you are truly feeling because it is real pain. When no one around you can really reach or touch your soul and what the problems are. The only way I get by it is through hope, hope for a better life, hope for a better world. That is the only way that I can find help and you can too. Through whatever medium, be it faith, reason and/or spirituality, we can all find something to hope for :)

    • it truly is what I’m feeling. and it’s awful! my friend the world is a awful place with some good moments… but alone… alone is not suppose to be the plan:/ I learned the song “falling slowly today” didn’t have a guitar player but i managed:) i really love that song and should listen to your cover again!

      • thank you so much for your kindness! it means a lot… I will for sure check those songs out! :) music is very healing :) when I read your blog i was truly inspired… maybe I can think about my journey like your challange to reach your goal weight. Maybe I need to be very serious about this like you are with your journey right now. Thanks for your support! truly!

  2. For different reasons, I have felt the longing for someone to hold me, let me be myself, help me find myself, and not judge me. My favorite song at the time was Me By the Sea by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USk99ggRkYs&sns=em

    It spoke to my loneliness as if she really understood the situation I was feeling.

    After falling to my knees screaming out to God to forgive me of my sins and telling him that I want to turn my life around He gently held me in His arms and said, “I have the missing piece from your heart. My son, Jesus, is everything you need. Trust Him.”

    Peace to ~L

  3. I too know this feeling… it is in these darkest hours where we truly learn of the strength that lies within us… waiting, hoping for that someone to sense what we need. One of the hardest things I had to learn, was to let them, any one of them, those closest of friends truly see/hear a glimmer of this pain. I have endured far too many losses for my young years, but those losses also were losses of those who would be there at any of those fall apart moments. It has been in those losses, that I have discovered how often they were though I never realized it until they literally could no longer be. It was many years later when I began to open the floodgates, speaking of long ago moments, that I realized how little I had shared of myself.

  4. ~L, I don’t believe I can offer any words to bring comfort for the pain you describe in this post. Instead, I offer these songs as I know that music does bring healing to your soul.

    He Knows My Name

    “He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call.”

    Draw Me Close to You

    “Nothing else can take your place to feel the warmth of your embrace…. Help me know You are near.”


  5. I am sorry, my friend. My heart hurts just reading this. Remember, our Father promised to be also our husband, to gather us as a mother hen gathers her chicks and to be our friend and our brother. He is everything and He is always. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Your vulnerability hurts, but is also the very place where God will begin to heal you – you have to be empty for Him to fill you.
    I Peter 5:10
    “And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all Grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” http://www.benjity.wordpress.com

  6. You are a brave woman. A challenging lesson I had to learn was that the only person you never truly lose is yourself. People will come and go. People will die. People will go down separate paths. But we never lose our own self. That’s why its so important to love ourselves and listen to our inner wisdom. Not the easiest thing, perhaps…but it gets easier.

  7. this is a highly emotional piece. you need not feel so alone, just look at the comments you have had on your brilliant poem. The World can be dark at times…too many times but we have to look for those bright moments. x

    • I understand how thoughtful and kind you all are about telling me i should not feel so alone. In some sense you are right. … but that is how I feel. I am dealing with unspeakable right now… stuff I can’t share with almost anyone. and the world the past year has done a 180 on me… and yes, i am very alone in this situation. Its hard to explain and I know someday i won’t be so alone. till than i write about how i FEEL to get it out… to have this blog does make me feel so not alone:) Thank you for your comments and kindness:)

  8. I wish I could offer words of comfort, but I know so many here already have. I know God will use them to bring healing. I know how it feels to need a loving touch and have others walk right on past. I am here for you, to listen, or if you just need a hug. I’m good at those :)
    Love you

    • oh beautiful! it feels a bit odd i must admit letting you see such a vulnerable side to me:) I am so proud of you an the women you have grown up to be! Just know that I fight and have been through much but our God is making me each day a new creation and a light for Him… even in the darkness! Thank you for taking the time to let me know your thoughts…. honesty to the world is very …. idk… kinda like standing naked to the world… they see all of you… the good.. .the bad… the hurt… the joy… all these layers in life are me… this is who I am. A broken girl that is being restored into something beautiful! luv you tons and i will take a hug from you any day:)

      L ;)

To all that let me know your thoughts... I appreciate each one. Thank you for reading all my Untitledmoments. ~L

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