Daily Archives: August 10, 2010

“Mommy! Take the band-aid off”… “Wait no”…

All day today my four year old has asked me, “mommy! Take my band-aid off”. And every time I go to take it off she says, “ughh! No No, never mind”. Five minutes will go by and she will say it again, “mommy! Just take it off”; and then again I go to grab the peeling corner that I have worked on for the past 8 hours and she once again changes her little mind in fear of the pain. “It’s going to hurt”, she yells and again she runs away.

It wasn’t until this last time that I got it. I understood the wonderful metaphor that God was trying to show me all day.

As I walk through this or should I say crawl through this unimaginable journey, I am continually becoming stuck when it comes to putting voice to the painful memories. I think the band-aid represents my sealed lips… It’s just like my princess asking me to rip off that band-aid… she keeps finding the courage to “just do it” and when it comes time to face the fact that it’s going to hurt, that it’s going to be too much… she runs away. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I tell myself today is the day I am going to give voice to the unending madness; I will have more courage than before. But then I fail miserably… AGAIN.
I’m leaving on this band-aid on too long… when I just want someone to rip it off and let my wound breathe…. scream out in pain and heal. It’s so hard! Saying “it’s so hard” does not even truly express it. It feels like instead of Triple antibiotic was applied first, super glue was used. I understand what God is trying to tell me. I feel as if I am lacking the faith that I will survive the pain that will follow. Or I lack in believing in His power that I really can own my voice and my body and nothing is going to happen to me. I wonder if God allows these triggers to continue to haunt me so that I will continue to run to Him for guidance. Is this His way of saying the time is now.

Why is it so hard to believe that He is right, that if I “run” this time it won’t get worse; that It will make it out? I understand, it’s just too hard to face. Maybe this week I will rip this band-aid off and let this deep would heal with some fresh air once and for all…

I will sing the pain; give voice to
the sadness of tearing flesh
and unending madness
Child, Scream the rage!

I want what cannot be,
what you could never begin
to give to my lost and wounded soul.
Child, scream the rage!

Tell me that you lied
take it back if you must.
Child, scream the rage!

You cannot know, cannot begin
to feel the anger, pain and fury.
The deepest burning pits of hell
cannot contain the torment I felt.
Child, scream the rage!

I am guilty in the first degree of childhood lost
Sentenced by a Judas-court
the judge Satan himself.
Child, scream the rage!

I totally reject everything that
you ever did inside of me.
Throw it in your face, your
demon eyes that never leave,
your lies, and perverted grace.
Child, scream the rage!

I will sing the pain,
give voice to the madness of murdered hope
and unending sadness.
I will climb one more step out of shame.
Child, scream the rage!

There will be a day when you’re on trial…
Your jury… will be those who have seen the effects that your evil has had on me.
And all will know who you really are.
The judge….
You better tremble because my God hates your god.
You can take back all you did to me
and go live with him in eternal flames!
…OH, and when you are begging for water…
remember that you used it all on me
when you tried downing my joy down the basement drain.
Child, scream the rage!

It’s time to take this band-aid off. I only wish my mommy would’ve never put it on to begin with!