Word vomit…

I tell ya… I don’t know what to think about all that is going on. I started this blog so I could just be free and write exactly how I feel…. I emailed it to a few close friends and I thought I could be real… but I hate you all knowing how I really feel. I hate disappointing you.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am full of love… I care about a lot… if you hurt, I hurt… I have a compassion for hurting people… a love for those who need it. I wish I could love myself… but I just disappoint myself day after day. I don’t do it right… or enough… or just not at all. The nights come and I sit on the couch and think about why it is that I feel this way… how can I get out of this depression. I wonder what the night will hold for me. I pray, I read the bible… I listen to music… and then I go to sleep… I don’t own the dreams that steal my nights away… I wake with fear and I just sit up in bed and stare at the door and wonder what it was like to be her all those years ago. My face is well acquainted with the warm tears that stream down my face in the middle of the night. Some nights I get up and sit on the couch and stare into space.

I feel stupid feeling this way… embarrassed… I feel shame… and most of all I feel sad… sad and confused. I fought this once… and I thought once was all that was needed. It was explained to me like this by someone… if this was cancer and this was me getting it for the second time people would understand. They would feel bad that the cancer is back… they would comfort me and be here for me to help me… and I would not be embarrassed because I can’t help that the cancer is back… so it should be like this with my depression… the problem is so many don’t understand, including myself!… We think that I can just get up and go enjoy life… just do it…. be strong.

I’m sick of being like this…
So I hide…
I hide in the shadows of secrets untold…
hide in the fear that you won’t understand
…hide in the horror that it was real

I hate hating you
I fear that in hating you I have grown further away from God
I have begun to become a stranger in my own body
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know where to go
or what to say
or even how to begin.
Reaching out for help is hard to do…
being turned away is heart crushing…
wanting someone to understand is vital
and not knowing what to do is breathtakingly painful!

The tears that aquanaut my face in the darkest hours of the night
never cease to get easier
I beg heaven to send comfort…
I feel all alone and empty
just like she did when he left her abused and broken
all alone, confused and forgotten.


I have good moments
I have great moments
I have hopeful moments
moments of peace
even moments of joy

Yet it’s in these moments of heartache that seem to destroy my soul
the memories that linger in the never ending dreams, that grieves my soul
and watching her play takes me back to where it all began
and that is the hardest for me.

so here I am…writing to some of you who may know me and some who don’t. I am hurting. I feel lost. And through it all… I still have hope, and I am learning that it is okay to be sad right now. I just hope it is okay for you that I am just a little stuck for the moment…. and someday I will will be able to write a very happy blog post… but until then maybe you can pray that tonight will be a good night….

Thanks, ~L

14 responses to “Word vomit…

  1. hi, L..
    it’s OK to be sad and it’s Ok to cry. i feel that, too, sometimes. you know last January i felt so sad and depressed until i started blogging and got to express myself and meet a lot of people with different thoughts and experiences. i feel alive again. that is what i really needed.. people to talk to, people who will listen, people who will make me feel i exist with a purpose.
    i wish i can give you a warm, big hug right now so i can tell you that everything is gonna be OK.
    cheer up, dear friend. life is SO beautiful..:)

    • You are so sweet! I am so glad I met you… that is why I started a blog too… just to let it out!!! Thank you for being a good support to me:)

  2. by the way the song is very touching.
    i wish someday someone will also see the real me…

  3. wonderful poetry. loved the feeling of the poem and the post. try to stay just the way you are but start loving yourself too. you too are a God’s creation. loved by God.

  4. L
    That is a beautiful song. I must say it feels like somebody is writing my feelings and life when I read your blog. Thank goodness for a God who gives us some sense of hope and comfort when we feel this way. I often feel too like I should be past this by now but it seems to rear its ugly head when I least expect it and then once again I am fighting the monsters away.


    • So I’m not alone… I hear ya… it is tough stuff! I can’t wait till the day when energy is my friend again:) Hang in there:) I will pray for you!

  5. Hey, hang in there. :) The good thing is that you have hope that things will change. And they will. ;) Just don’t give up.

  6. you went on my blog and commented how i was with my mixed episode today and you said “The way you described your bipolar was like I was reading my own post”. so i thought i would read some of your posts…honestly short of the religion i felt like i was looking into a mirror (the hypothetical mirror of words lol). the whole thing about disappointing people. i know that…i mean i havnt even been able to tell people im bipolar and back when i thought it was only depression i couldnt tell people that either…one person other than my therapist knows and i only told her b/c i had been drinking. and im finding out there isn’t anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about…though i do still feel that way there really isn’t. my last manic period i thought about it a lot and its only an illness you cant just will it away. but you can make things better by leaning on people.and enjoying the good when it is there no matter how little…even if the best part of my day was a good slice of pizza i focus on that and things seem a little easier…well i hope that helps you

    -from the odditie

    • It has been tough to let people know! I just got this amazing workbook about bipolar and it helps you understand it better… it helps you with a lot of stuff! It is super amazing! Here it the link… and there is free 2 day shipping and I would highly recommend it! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572246286/ref=oss_product

      I hate having bipolar… the world makes us sound like freaks… but you know what can we do… if we try and hide it we are worse… and I am sick of letting it control me. I really hope this all works this time! I think I have built a good army (God, support from family and friends, good therapist, new meds, this great book and a new attitude.) I am scared because I just went and did a time line of all my highs and lows and I know that this low is coming to a halt soon… I don’t want to have a manic time so I hope this works. Keep blogging… I will be here for you anytime! I understand what it is like to just need to vent! Good luck with everything! I am praying for you too!

  7. thx i will have to check out that book at some time…i checked out the link and it seems to have useful information.
    im sure it will work just try really hard and if it doesn’t work…well, you will have another chance.
    and thats so odd…you dislike your manic periods? i look forward to those lol. i really dread the depressive periods. and especially the mixed episodes.
    and im sorry that this is so short but i just wrote about my day in a post and a thing about diets…you should read the diet thing…
    and thx you will be in my thoughts as well

    -from the odditie

  8. I suppose I never minded them in till I realized how much I hurt other people around me… by me talking to my family and friends and doing this book I have realized a lot more! I can’t wait to read your post about diets…. there is this book that is called the bipolar diet… I want to get and and do it… it has good ratings!

  9. yea hope you liked the post it was just a rant about a friend but i thought it was interesting. and hurting people around me…yea i try not to think about that. and the bipolar diet what is that about?

  10. It Takes courage to do what you are doing… Poetry has always helped me… these thougts came to me head, try to picture yourself in a time say the great plains 1700’s and you are there, where and when things were better but harder, as in cold outside, no ac and all, and there’s beauty all around, find a spot to sit and look around, then picture your self in the same spot, but in the future say 2030, see what you see, then picture your self in the same spot, but the time is today, what was beautiful, and what was ugly, so from there, what beauty can you bring from the past and the future to now, ugly is ok, because it shows us what beauty is, but we cant let it run amuk… just some thoughts, and hopefully inspiration to write a new poem, well Good Day, thank you, much appreciated, WS

To all that let me know your thoughts... I appreciate each one. Thank you for reading all my Untitledmoments. ~L

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