(I’m trying not to worry and be obsessed about how imperfect this post is…. trying not to care that I’m not proof reading this and it’s full of typos, run on sentences and so much more)
I think I’m OCD. Pretty sure at least. Not the wash your hands a million times type but the obsess over a thought a million times type. I’m struggling with what to do with meds and what direction I take next.
Lots of change. Lots. Too much for this girl here to put in a post. Probably too much for a reader to really even want to read about.
Depression is an ongoing battle. I often feel like re-posting earlier posts I’ve written here. There seems to be no words left to say– it has already been said.
I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions trapped within even matter? I question because there is a real world that is going on, and I’m just pathetically stuck watching out my one-way mirror while I hide in the shame and fear of too much sadness, regrets, loss and pain. I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.
Blah Blah Blah…. same worlds then, same words now.
What’s different now. I lost my therapist of two years. It’s been pretty devastating to me. He truly provided a safe place and this really sucks. There are many emotions surrounding this situation. I’ve been through a lot in 30 years and you would think something like loosing a therapist would be minimal compared to what I’ve been through. but……….
When you grown up in dysfunction you are used to the people who are supposed to nurture you fail. You get used to them not showing up, being late, being drunk, saying or doing unthinkable things. You learn to trust that they will fail you. They will hurt you, and even though you try to earn a place of importance to them…. nothing is ever good enough.
When you become an adult and see how others live their lives, you realize that the life you grew up in was very abnormal…. It was so abnormal in fact, it was just better to forget it existed. It was hard to understand that I could become close to people and trust them. I don’t think I consciously knew at the time that I was not trusting new friends, co-workers, mentors, etc. I would have said back then that I trusted them a lot. But looking back on it today….. I did not trust anyone to tell them the truth. I did not trust that they would not leave me. I did not trust that they would stop loving me one day. Subconsciously almost every decision I made was out of fear of being rejected. I wanted to belong to this goodness; this new life. I saw what life was outside of dysfunction and I wanted to belong. But I didn’t know how to act or cope in a healthy setting. I was blind to unhealthy relationships and I was subconsciously damaging healthy relationships.
In 30 years of life there have been many beautiful people who I’ve been blessed to have known…. people who have truly loved me for me. Some of those people I let love me, and some still do…. it’s just different…. very different from what it used to be…. but then again, I’m very different……. but for many of those people…. they loved the me, just not the whole me. They didn’t know the very hurt me that is the aftermath of an ugly hurricane of abuse growing up. No one did, including myself really knew the damage that was done, the danger that still lingered and the fear that was running my life.
My therapist was the first person to know everything about me. He knew the good, the awful… things I would never dare share to another soul. And there he was, still there. I trusted him with spaces in my mind that I trusted no one with. He endured so much of this mess too. Hours of hard therapy, hospitalizations, dealing with police and awful investigations…. witnessing my raw self after dealing with so much trauma, bravery and frustration. He dealt with my crazy borderline temper tantrums… He never stopped fighting. And now he’s gone… Just like that. No goodbye… No closure. It’s like he died. Corporations suck! It’s so complicated… No one really wants to hear all the reasons. But the point is I lost one of the most important people in my life. And it has triggered all the other times I’ve been rejected and abandoned.
My life is missing something. My subconscious does not have that safe place anymore… In fact it’s pretty fired up with all sorts of ways to cope that are unhealthy.
I’m not sure people can understand the loss and suffering. It’s like he died… Except I know he’s still there. Just never for me. Ever. Never ever.
I don’t know how to cope with this loss. People don’t understand why I’m sad… It’s just a therapist. ……. It’s just the person who cared about me when no one else understood… Just the person who listened to my awful nightmares and secret sins… Just the person who witnessed my raw emotions, unfiltered mind as it bared so much pain, and there he was providing me with true genuine safe compassion.
It was only my safe place
And now it’s gone
Clinically depressed…… and grieving loss. I was grieving loss before I lost my therapist…. and now I’m dealing with even more loss.
I’m tired every day….all the time. I’m hungry all the time. I want to cry and die far too often. I’m scared to be me. I’m scared to be me without the person that encouraged me to live, be brave and often said just the right thing at just the right time.
Maybe this is the time I figure out some new meds? Maybe this is the time I learn to trust God more.
It’s hard leaving such an open wound with no closure. I don’t know what to do……
I miss the encouragement…. the words…. the trust.