The Pain of Silence…

It’s 3am and here I’ve found myself on a Google freenzie searching how to survive my susicadal brain. 

I’m going to be 33 years old in 3 weeks… And here I am still stuck in a battle of mental illness.  The inner voices are loud!  “What a looser… She’s always struggling”!  “What now… How much drama can one create for themselves”. The list is long if what I think people are thinking about me…. Some I’m sure are true… And some are my fears screaming loudly! 

My dreams lately are relentless! Nearly every night I’m bombarded with insane dreams! I’m either not sleeping or dreaming very disturbing issuers.  

When will enough be enough? ….I keep asking myself this. Will I finally end my life? Or am I going to keep surviving pathetically as I pray for a cure to my fucked up brain! 

I’m a disappointment! I know! So please for the love of God, if you think I’m a failure, leave me the heck alone! I don’t want your judgmental BS helping my suicidal brain out!  I want to live!  But I’m not living! I’m hiding! I’m not okay! I’m extremely ashamed of these feelings and I know I should just get over it….. But obviously I have not been as strong as you and your opinionated brain! 

Sometimes my dreams (actually a lot of my dreams) all have people I’ve deeply loved in them.  I dream that they are in my life again… I dream of being loved by them…. I dream that they never left me….  And then I dream awful awful things…. Way too disturbing to devoulge. If I’ve learned anything from analyzing dreams, I would say this playes a key role in my daily isolation.  I’m terrified of being loved to only be abandoned. (Woah there… How about those floodgates.  Yup! If that last sentence just made me cry that hard I guess I’ve figured it out.

So here I am… A mess.  Half dressed siting on my bedroom floor… Hiding. Hating myself. Grieving many losses. And realizing there’s a lot of opinions I’m petrified of…. So I hide because I’m scared that I’ll be left or loved less… Or not at all. Or reminded that I’ve already be left and loved less! 

I want to be everything I should be in life…. But I’m not…. And it’s a pretty damn lonely ride staying silent in so much pain.  

The Pain of Silence

THE PAIN OF SILENCE

It’s hard to write when words are not what needs to be spoken… Sometime it’s a melody and art… 

By: ~L

sing the rage

I will sing the pain,
give voice to the sadness of tearing flesh
and unending madness

I want what cannot be,
what you could never begin
to give to my lost and wounded soul
Tell me that you lied
take it back if you must.
Apologize!

 

You cannot know, cannot begin
to feel the anger, pain and fury.
The deepest burning pits of hell
cannot contain the torment I felt… feel

 

I am guilty in the first degree of childhood lost
sentenced by a Judas-court;
the judge, Satan himself.

I totally reject everything that
you ever did inside of me.
Throw it in your face,
your demons eyes that never leave,
your lies, and perverted grace.

I will sing the pain
give voice to the madness of murdered hope
and unending sadness

There will be a day when you’re on trial…
Your jury – those who have seen the effects your evil had on me
And all will know who you really are.
The Judge-
You better tremble because my God hates your god

You can take back all you did to me
and go live with him in eternal flames!
…Oh, and when you’re begging for water…
remember that you used it all on me
when you tried drowning my will down that drain.

basement drain2

Harmonizing Reality

 

She’s naked – the only thing that covers her is her imagination to keep her safe
And the lines on the gritty ground become her paperless journal –

Dear diary,

It hurts…
Take me away…

Waiting on angles,

Invisable Me

She watches the water empty like her soul into a floor drain… Her face cold,
Pressed lifeless staring at the traveling water… Transferring her tears with the trickling stream of water… wishing she could join them as they run away

She’s broken – the only thing to hold her together is the melody of faith hidden within her depths.
And the sounds of cries in the distance accompanied by the manipulated pleasure become drowned out as she harmonizes reality, silently singing-“It is well, it is well with my soul”

She hopes in sorrow
Yet grows doubt.
As she whispers…
Maybe tomorrow

Maybe tomorrow

Like a mighty storm stuck within my soul….

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Loose yourself to be found

Sometimes the beat, the base, and the boldness in the lyrics say what can not be said.

Push play…. Close your eyes, turn it up and feel…. simply feel.

Share your comments. I’d love to chat about your experience, thoughts, etc…

~L

getting ready to get a little wordy…

feeling like a true geek. Searching YouTube for new music…., phone to the right, computer fired up…. coffee near by… headphones in….. blog opened up and feeling like I’m ready to get a bit creative. Hope to show a little bit of ~L tonight and write something decent.

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getting my geek on….

Giving up

Depression has claimed my life. I’m certain…. I hate trying when really I just want to sleep because it’s the only way to escape the pain. I feel I belong nowhere….. Any post of hope or fight here, I just hate it…. I hate it because look how depressed I still am….

Starting to give up…

~L

Picture credit to my iPhone … destruction fighting hope

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Infecting Their Future

Poison flows through a subconscious that is guarding secrets from this conscious self.

Imprisoned is this mind from injured neurons as they form miles of flooded filth.

An explosion of illnesses that ripple from this self, as it infects love…. And effects their sweet minds as I linger in the guilt, and shame that binds me from living in health.

Continue reading

It’s past midnight again….

Today was the first time in months that I walked outside and felt danger. My heart felt like led and my chest blocked from air… Or maybe it was more like fear of breathing because the air felt unsafe… That’s it, it didn’t feel safe to breathe . I didn’t feel safe to move. My body froze and all that moved was the tears as I begged my brain to take them back. I did not want to cry.

Once I began to move, I quickly went inside and into my bed…. That’s where my thoughts started to obsessively spin throughout all the corridors of my memory. I wondered if I could ever trust again to pray the way I used to, to believe that God uses humans as His hands and feet. I want to go to church tomorrow… But I’m afraid I just don’t fit in….. And my old church, well…. I’m not sure I’ll ever belong there.

It’s been years since therapy. I fear trusting professionals, as they have seriously damaged my faith in believing it is healing…. But when monsters rise…. I realize again there is so much that needs to be healed…

Back to church… The problem: One church being psychology 101 and feeling like I’m exempt and the other church…. I’m not perfect like them… I swear when I’m emotional, and have a few drinks a month…. I’m not put together and I’m surely not the homemaker that all those women seem to be…. No one seemed to befriend me and I just seemed out of place there. But a part of me liked it and misses it…. My youngest misses church. I feel like I’m failing her.

I’m chasing my words in circles here….

I’m hurting… And writing my words hear has become hard. I wish I could block people I don’t trust to read my heart that I once did. I miss Untitled Moments… I miss sharing poetry…. Music and my right brain.

I feel toxic keeping all the colors trapped inside….

Judgement is hard for me and the rejection and gossip has been hard.

I recently lost my family doctor…. They moved over seas… The practice only has one doctor left and my certified letter told me I need to find a new office. I have no professionals to monitor my meds, Zero professional help…… no therapist, no church, and my anxiety hinders me from going… Trusting… Hoping.

I’m failing life. I’m failing my children. I hate existing…. Yet I crave existing if I could find myself again…. If I could only sing again…. I feel like there’s a song trapped within me and I’m not me if I’m not sharing a song….

Missing being ~L

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Landslide

Time. Time passes by and it passes by without the sounds of once loved voices. It passes by with the lack of hugs and smiles…. It passes by with a forgotten family, and it passes by with a voiceless soul as it’s crying constant goodbyes.

Busyness. A new busyness. It hides the pain of the yesterday’s. Sometimes there is such little energy to drown the pain with busyness that sleeping will do just as well.

I thought perhaps I would find myself in a different way without you in my life… But I haven’t. I’ve lost a crowd. I lost a lot. But I didn’t let it go… I fought for you and at times I screamed with rage… At times I cried and pleaded for you to understand…. But here I am on the outside missing the crowd of love… Missing my safe place… And missing you.

Where has the time gone?

Time passes by and like the song says…

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I believe in a greater love that is so deep most people cant comprehend it to be real. Yet, I find myself falling away from the greatness of Love because I’m afraid I’ll ruin it…

Time keeps on passing by…. There is no pausing in reality…. People change and people leave…. But I just wish love wouldn’t leave too.

I thought with time maybe you’d return to explain…. But the landslide brought me down…

A crowd
A person
A memory
A brother
A stranger
A child
A self….
…and the music fades

An endless void and such uncertainty in how to end these broken thoughts…

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A few words ….

I hide my pain through the constant distractions…. I create busyness to block away the reality of how much I just need to cry this sadness away. I don’t talk about it anymore because I’m just a disappointment. I don’t trust people because of the rejection I get when I’m sad.

When I smile and laugh people like me…. When I’m functioning, people want to be with me…. But when I’m sad I isolate and become lonely… I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I’m holding deep hurts and tonight I hide my tears even from my husband. I’ve thought about ending life several times and I pray it’s just an off day and tomorrow will be a bit better.

I’m needing a safe place to be sad…. A place to share a tear or two… Someone to talk to…. I’m just scared of being stupid.

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Depression Remains

Warning: Just another free write on my phone… Emotions creatively own this unedited raw post:

I set myself up for rejection everytime I send you something , don’t I?

30+ days of no therapy. I gave up on this supposed ‘expert’ I was handed off to. Not one appointment. …with anyone for over a month…

I’ve been trying to take control of this depression and ‘shattered’ me lately…

2 weeks of running/working out….

2 weeks of cooking dinner most nights.

2 weeks of super healthy eating.

Less napping. Less staring into space.

More praying. More water. More music. More effort!

I can live moments and function well most of a day… I can be ‘skillful’ all flipping day…

Depression still remains.

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Free write – update

(I’m trying not to worry and be obsessed about how imperfect this post is…. trying not to care that I’m not proof reading this and it’s full of typos, run on sentences and so much more)

I think I’m OCD.  Pretty sure at least. Not the wash your hands a million times type but the obsess over a thought a million times type.  I’m struggling with what to do with meds and what direction I take next.

Lots of change. Lots. Too much for this girl here to put in a post. Probably too much for a reader to really even want to read about.

Depression is an ongoing battle.  I often feel like re-posting earlier posts I’ve written here. There seems to be no words left to say– it has already been said.

I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions trapped within even matter? I question because there is a real world that is going on, and I’m just pathetically stuck watching out my one-way mirror while I hide in the shame and fear of too much sadness, regrets, loss and pain.  I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.

Blah Blah Blah…. same worlds then, same words now.

What’s different now.  I lost my therapist of two years.  It’s been pretty devastating to me.  He truly provided a safe place and this really sucks.  There are many emotions surrounding this situation.  I’ve been through a lot in 30 years and you would think something like loosing a therapist would be minimal compared to what I’ve been through.  but……….

When you grown up in dysfunction you are used to the people who are supposed to nurture you fail.  You get used to them not showing up, being late, being drunk, saying or doing unthinkable things.  You learn to trust that they will fail you. They will hurt you, and even though you try to earn a place of importance to them…. nothing is ever good enough.

When you become an adult and see how others live their lives, you realize that the life you grew up in was very abnormal…. It was so abnormal in fact, it was just better to forget it existed.  It was hard to understand that I could become close to people and trust them.  I don’t think I consciously knew at the time that I was not trusting new friends, co-workers, mentors, etc.  I would have said back then that I trusted them a lot.  But looking back on it today….. I did not trust anyone to tell them the truth.  I did not trust that they would not leave me.  I did not trust that they would stop loving me one day.  Subconsciously almost every decision I made was out of fear of being rejected.  I wanted to belong to this goodness; this new life.  I saw what life was outside of dysfunction and I wanted to belong. But I didn’t know how to act or cope in a healthy setting.  I was blind to unhealthy relationships and I was subconsciously damaging healthy relationships.

In 30 years of life there have been many beautiful people who I’ve been blessed to have known…. people who have truly loved me for me.  Some of those people I let love me, and some still do…. it’s just different…. very different from what it used to be…. but then again, I’m very different……. but for many of those people…. they loved the me, just not the whole me.  They didn’t know the very hurt me that is the aftermath of an ugly hurricane of abuse growing up.  No one did, including myself really knew the damage that was done, the danger that still lingered and the fear that was running my life.

My therapist was the first person to know everything about me. He knew the good, the awful…  things I would never dare share to another soul. And there he was, still there. I trusted him with spaces in my mind that I trusted no one with. He endured so much of this mess too. Hours of hard therapy, hospitalizations, dealing with police and awful investigations…. witnessing my raw self after dealing with so much trauma, bravery and frustration. He dealt with my crazy borderline temper tantrums… He never stopped fighting. And now he’s gone… Just like that. No goodbye… No closure. It’s like he died. Corporations suck! It’s so complicated… No one really wants to hear all the reasons. But the point is I lost one of the most important people in my life. And it has triggered all the other times I’ve been rejected and abandoned.

My life is missing something. My subconscious does not have that safe place anymore… In fact it’s pretty fired up with all sorts of ways to cope that are unhealthy.

I’m not sure people can understand the loss and suffering. It’s like he died… Except I know he’s still there. Just never for me. Ever. Never ever.

I don’t know how to cope with this loss. People don’t understand why I’m sad… It’s just a therapist. ……. It’s just the person who cared about me when no one else understood… Just the person who listened to my awful nightmares and secret sins… Just the person who witnessed my raw emotions, unfiltered mind as it bared so much pain, and there he was providing me with true genuine safe compassion.

It was only my safe place

And now it’s gone

Clinically depressed…… and grieving loss.  I was grieving loss before I lost my therapist…. and now I’m dealing with even more loss.

I’m tired every day….all the time. I’m hungry all the time. I want to cry and die far too often. I’m scared to be me. I’m scared to be me without the person that encouraged me to live, be brave and often said just the right thing at just the right time.

Maybe this is the time I figure out some new meds?  Maybe this is the time I learn to trust God more.

It’s hard leaving such an open wound with no closure.  I don’t know what to do……

I miss the encouragement…. the words…. the trust.

 

Making My Own Rain

Making My Own Rain
By ~ L

I'll My Own Rain

beautifully imperfect

I’m not one to give up… I’m not one to be shy… I’m not one to stay quite, sit down and isolate for too long.

I do hate evil! I do live in fear! I do miss being ‘me’; whoever that girl used to be.

My words I wrote here at Untitled Moments for the past four years, were pretty deep, full of my past and present pouring out into words that flowed.  It was healing for me…………. and then I quit. I felt like I was a roller coaster of ups and downs and no one likes one who seems to never get better.

I let the judgments of others nag at my soul…. I let the voices of my inner critic tell me I’m not good enough, as I allowed it to tower over my will to push on and fight…

Continue reading

Take It All Away – (another video poem)

So I’m not sure why I spend hours and hours putting these videos together but can’t seem to find the words to write anymore.  This is just another way to let my subconscious scream the pain I suppose…..  So here it is…. another video I made with a thousand secrets woven throughout.

~L

It’s a train wreck in my mind. Devastation floods. However… total devastation has not severed my soul.

We sang the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul as a closing song in church today. If you remember a while back about the journal entry I wrote, I had shared how special this song was for me growing up as a little girl – you might imagine it was an emotional moment for me today.

I sang this song many, many times in my soul; guarding it from the evil that was surrounding my body and mind during so many moments of the blah blah blah moments of abuse as a child.

I tried so hard not to cry, but tears welled up in my eyes… I’m pretty sure they came from the deepest part of my being. The added line as a new twist to the song really hit me hard, It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul. I almost felt like falling to my knees. I felt such a rush of memories of countless times as a child singing this song while enduring the evil acts of such dark men.

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The Game of Memory

As I struggle with writing – I’ve somehow been able to to express through other means … so here you have it – another VideoPoetry. Thank you faithful readers… and watchers;)

This Shell We Borrow

some of us –
we never were given the chance to grow up with her.
We see a stranger when we look in the mirror.
We see a girl who covers her sad eyes with pretty colors to disguise-
then blushes some pink to disguise the tears… to look alive

but none from us…
we were never aloud to cry.

Not even worth a goodbye…

And off she goes… fighting for her tomorrow;
It doesn’t take her long to hide the sorrow.
While we remain in today,
stuck within this shell we borrow.

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Video

Untitled – VideoPoetry

I miss writing.  It’s been hard to form poetry lately.  I am grateful for your patience as I am unfolding a new chapter in my life.  This is my poem to you. 

As I struggle to reach deep within myself, I am finding that creating my outlet creatively is coming through with making these Video-Poems. 

This is my heart and soul… honestly and vulnerably pouring out…    I share it with you today….

The hardest Video-Poem to date…