Tag Archives: voice

Inside

Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies.
Inside her mind lies a raging war… damaging deceit against hidden truths.
Inside her heart lies a sadness that she must tell this little girl
what really happened long ago.
Yet, inside her soul lies a Savior who uniquely created a mind
to change the world.
She has been preserved for a moment as such,
to share with the world who she was always meant to be

She thinks with color
And comprehends life as a song
The earth teaches her more than the words in a book
And passion fills her soul as she urges to fight injustice …..

Deep within this vessel lie colors unseen
within her eyes lies a story untold
behind her smile lies a joy that she can’t explain.
A joy that manages to push its way through the underlying ache
Even through the rampant war… her smile lingers on.

He tried and tried to steal her soul
Telling her that her eyes were cursed
Her lips where his
And her body was meant for the moments he created
She was told her voice was null
And she could void all her dreams
because she was meant for him
for nothing less
and nothing more
She was left emptied on an alter of humiliation and shame.

It’s time for her to look inside and put together the real me
It’s time for her to really know that all his words were murdering lies
and she was meant for so much more.
It’s time for her body to see the reflection in the mirror
and know that the eyes she sees carries a love for the brokenhearted
not for him to gaze into and make her feel dirty
And her lips are not cursed as he told her…
rather they are meant to give sweet kisses to her children
and speak out against injustice, to speak in courage,
and put to rest his control once and for all.

Her mind may have been tortured
but it’s time she claims power over the once dominant
And reminds herself that there has been a savior deep within her soul
Persevering her to be the women she is today.

She can laugh
She can sing
She can smile
She can dance

And he can’t tell her she’s any different than what she really is
Beautifully made to behold such a dream to make a difference and claim her name
The name he tried to bury with her innocence and dignity.
I am who I am.
Nothing less and nothing more

I laugh loud
I sing loud
I talk much
I smile at random beauty
and dance to the beautiful melody that lingers in my soul!
My mind is always on the go
I think with color and often put a song to everything I encounter

Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies
Inside her mind lies a raging war… damaging deceit against hidden truths
Inside her heart lies a sadness that she must tell this little girl what really happened long ago.
Yet, inside her soul lies a Savior who uniquely created a mind to change the world.
She has been preserved for a moment as such to share with the world who she was always meant to be!

~I think the words to this song have been in my soul long before it was written… One thing for sure I know is that it was Jesus who rescued me from the the dark sky and no matter how awful it got I could always sing to Jesus!  This is the song that has lived in my heart for many years… and will till my final heart beat and until that day I will sing to Jesus and be who he has created me to be… His creative and beautiful Child… and I will believe that even if I doubt myself today…

Recovery begins when….

My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
but that’s all I hear is the monsters resounding echoes…
telling me I’m stupid
telling me I’m his

Recovery begins
When you set fire to the lies
When you face the fear
And deny the power of his shaming voice.

Recovery begins
With each breath that is spoken
With each tear that wells up
With each memory penned in ink
All against the evilness of his quest….

My spirit fights in the storm
In search for the forgotten memories
Gathering what’s left
from the damning damage that he created…
all as I was mercilessly forced to endure in the confusion
and harbor a greater pain and relentless torture
of this man that had a dark fixation on my once innocent now bleeding heart.

I’m still listening for my Fathers voice…

Recovery begins
In opening up
In telling my sad story
My story of a girl who was stripped of her virtue
Stripped of her voice
And left forgotten in a world where no one noticed the damage being done
where the villain seemed to always win and the innocence of her small life was tossed into the summer wind.

Recovery begins
When I’m assured that I’m not alone
When I’m assured that I’m not stupid
That what he did was not my fault
And I’m not out of my mind

Whisper to me…
Take me away in the wind
Let me feel the presence of my redeemer…
Recovery begins with HIM!

Little girl I am freeing us today
I am putting voice to our sad story
Defeating the monster
Declaring our memories as is
And no one can take us down

My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
And this is what it’s saying…

He’s telling us we are not alone
That recover began at the cross
Recovery began then
And recovery begins now
It begins with the voice of Love

Recovery begins
When I release the grasp of the darkness
When I step out of the shadows
And let the light bring the reality
Of the sadness

Recovery begins
When I let the voice of the redeemer
be the only echoing voice with in.
Recovery begins when I let go of all I have been clinging to and
allow His healing hands to recover me from the ashes
and turn me into something beautiful.

~L

*I’ve never found a more perfect song to fit a post before.  I hope you take the time to listen to this beautiful song by Firefight…. it is perfect!  You would think that I wrote this post after I heard this song… yet I found it after as I was searching for a fitting song…. it was meant to be…

entitled moments

Arresting Sun

Image by Fr Antunes via Flickr

There have been many moments in my 27 years of life that have been left untitled. For many years I did not care to name them… many of them were unnoticed and very forgotten for many years. I’ve been told that the many stolen moments in my life were very much entitled moments that were stolen away. Each and every moment in my life is what it is. Each present layer exists and I am hear to claim them as is… even the the ones that I desperately wish could be forgotten. They all belong to me.

I have learned much this past month. I have learned how important it is to feed the faith and starve the doubt. To be present and not let all the past and future moments steal the very present moment that I’m very much entitled to claim as my own.

I have also learned who my real friends are this past month. To them, I am very grateful for your prayers, cards and emails. They have meant so much to me! I am grateful to my husband who has shown me his commitment to us and how hard he has worked to make me feel special while I’ve been gone.

I would also like to thank a very important person who made the impossible happen… you believed in me when I could not… you pushed me when needed and if it was not for you I would not be sitting here in the very airport that 4 weeks ago I anxiously thought; “what’s the point”? Death was confident then and today I promise you I’m truly ready to fight for my entitled moments and make all the untitled moments titled. Thank You!

Recovery is a journey, a daily surrender and a forever commitment. I know I have many months of hard work…. but I shall not worry about the many months for now I will be in this very moment (pretty sure this moment is telling me to go eat something :) )… I’m not going to let moments pass me by. In this very moment I feel joy and an inner courage.

So to the little girl within…. let’s title those moments shall we…. we are entitled…. they were never meant to be theirs.

“Mommy! Take the band-aid off”… “Wait no”…

All day today my four year old has asked me, “mommy! Take my band-aid off”. And every time I go to take it off she says, “ughh! No No, never mind”. Five minutes will go by and she will say it again, “mommy! Just take it off”; and then again I go to grab the peeling corner that I have worked on for the past 8 hours and she once again changes her little mind in fear of the pain. “It’s going to hurt”, she yells and again she runs away.

It wasn’t in till this last time that I got it. I understood the wonderful metaphor that God was trying to show me all day.

As I walk through this or should I say crawl through this unimaginable journey, I am continually becoming stuck when it comes to putting voice to the painful memories. I think the band-aid represents my sealed lips… It’s just like my princess asking me to rip off that band-aid… she keeps finding the courage to “just do it” and when it comes time to face the fact that it’s going to hurt, that it’s going to be too much… she runs away. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I tell myself today is the day I am going to give voice to the unending madness; I will have more courage than before. But then I fail miserably… AGAIN.
I’m leaving on this band-aid too long… when I just want someone to rip it off and let my wound breathe…. scream out in pain and heal. It’s so hard! Saying “it’s so hard” does not even truly express it. It feels like instead of Triple antibiotic was applied first, super glue was used. I understand what God is trying to tell me. I feel as if I am lacking the faith that I will survive the pain that will follow. Or I lack in believing in His power that I really can own my voice and my body and nothing is going to happen to me. I wonder if God allows these triggers to continue to haunt me so that I will continue to run to Him for guidance. Is this His way of saying the time is now.

Why is it so hard to believe that He is right, that if I “run” this time it won’t get worse; that It will make it out? I understand, it’s just too hard to face. Maybe this week I will rip this band-aid off and let this deep would heal with some fresh air once and for all…

I will sing the pain; give voice to
the sadness of tearing flesh
and unending madness
Child, Scream the rage!

I want what cannot be,
what you could never begin
to give to my lost and wounded soul.
Child, scream the rage!

Tell me that you lied
take it back if you must.
Apologize!
Child, scream the rage!

You cannot know, cannot begin
to feel the anger, pain and fury.
The deepest burning pits of hell
cannot contain the torment I felt.
Child, scream the rage!

I am guilty in the first degree of childhood lost
Sentenced by a Judas-court
the judge Satan himself.
Child, scream the rage!

I totally reject everything that
you ever did inside of me.
Throw it in your face, your
demon eyes that never leave,
your lies, and perverted grace.
Child, scream the rage!

I will sing the pain,
give voice to the madness of murdered hope
and unending sadness.
I will climb one more step out of shame.
Child, scream the rage!

There will be a day when you’re on trial…
Your jury… will be those who have seen the effects that your evil has had on me.
And all will know who you really are.
The judge….
You better tremble because my God hates your god.
You can take back all you did to me
and go live with him in eternal flames!
…OH, and when you are begging for water…
remember that you used it all on me
when you tried downing my joy down the basement drain.
Child, scream the rage!

It’s time to take this band-aid off. I only wish my mommy would’ve never put it on to begin with!

~L

Courage

Definition of Courage:(N) strength of mind to carry on in spite of danger -the moral courage to speak out against injustice when no one else will.

“The strength of mind” …Lord prepare my mind with your word, so as I face the past I will know Your truth and the freedom that it comes with.

“In spite of danger” .. Lord as I tread into dark waters to know the truth… set me free from fear and depression… Let me feel the comfort of your spirit as I began this difficult journey. Guard the corridors of my heart. Protect me from the enemy… for loosing this battle would be his delight.

“the moral courage to speak out against injustice when no one else will” Lord help me to speak… give sound to the little voice inside who needs to bring the pain out of the darkness and into the light. No one wants to talk about stuff like this, no one wants to hear about it or deal with it. And despite my family hiding this secret for so long, Lord give me your strength to stay courageous and speak against what my grandfather did to me… to stand up to my mom and not let her take my joy away.

Let me soar above sorrow, above abuse, above fear,
Lord, let me rise on your promises of love and hope.
Be the center of my life
Be the place where I fix my eyes.
You hold everything together
Draw near into your arms
with strength hold me together.
Lift my weak and weary body to rest in you… my only hope.
Cove me.
…in the stillness you are near.
Comfort me
and teach me Lord to know your peace.
I come to the cross Lord let me see Your love.

I lift my eyes to heaven
I wrap my life around Your life
and with out You none of this would be possible
~Amen

~L’s, definition of Courage: Taking what the world says is impossible or dangerous and with an almighty God step out in a faith to defeat what the enemy has tried to steal.

Oh how I wish I could read this to him!

I will sing the pain, give voice to
the sadness of tearing flesh
and unending madness
______________
I want what cannot be,
what you could never begin
to give to my lost and wounded soul.
______________
Tell me that you lied
take it back if you must.
Apologize!
_____________
You cannot know, cannot begin
to feel the anger, pain and fury.
The deepest burning pits of hell
cannot contain the torment I felt.
_____________
I am guilty in the first degree of childhood lost
Sentenced by a Judas-court
the judge Satan himself.
_____________
I totally reject everything that
you ever did inside of me.
Throw it in your face, your
demon eyes that never leave,
your lies, and perverted grace.
_____________
I will sing the pain,
give voice to the madness of murdered hope
and unending sadness.
I will climb one more step out of shame.
_____________
There will be a day when you’re on trial…
Your jury… will be those who have seen the effects that your evil had on me.
And all will know who you really are.
The judge….
You better tremble because my God hates your god.
You can take back all you did to me
and go live with him in eternal flames!
…OH, and when you are begging for water…
remember that you used it all on me
when you tried downing my joy down the basement drain.