Tag Archives: Trust

It’s a train wreck in my mind. Devastation floods. However… total devastation has not severed my soul.

We sang the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul as a closing song in church today. If you remember a while back about the journal entry I wrote, I had shared how special this song was for me growing up as a little girl – you might imagine it was an emotional moment for me today.

I sang this song many, many times in my soul; guarding it from the evil that was surrounding my body and mind during so many moments of the blah blah blah moments of abuse as a child.

I tried so hard not to cry, but tears welled up in my eyes… I’m pretty sure they came from the deepest part of my being. The added line as a new twist to the song really hit me hard, It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul. I almost felt like falling to my knees. I felt such a rush of memories of countless times as a child singing this song while enduring the evil acts of such dark men.
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If you could, hold on for just a bit.

I am not sure how long yet, but I think it’s best if I take a break from posting new writes for for a bit.  I will still read when I can from my subscribers blog.

I am under an extreme amount of pressure and situational struggles that need my  attention.  It’s hard to make this decision because it is you, my readers who are very encouraging and affirming.  I appreciate each one of you and I’m very grateful for the kindness you have shown me.

I don’t know how long it will be?  …perhaps a week, two… or maybe a poem once every other week. (…through one up there for a Free Write Friday and just let it be, with out the pressure of the ‘rules’ of poetry.  Of course those rules are mostly my own set of standers and perhaps ridicules ones – but none the least… I allow it to suck me in to play the role of pressuring me to ‘do it just so’)

I will still be writing (always), yet for now it will be with pen and paper (and a sore hand) ;) Feel free to read previous posts and share your thoughts if you feel so led :) I just edited five posts that explain my story as best as it could be shared… so much that I even learned about myself re-reading them today… and you know you’re going through a slump when that happens.

You can catch up there or wherever when you want to. When your comments come across my phone throughout the day, they always give me a warm feeling that someone is caring at the moment enough to take the time to share their thoughts about reading something I wrote from my heart.
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Forgiving You

Forgiving You
By: ~L


Forgiving you was something I thought I would never do
Loving you was something that was crushed by disgust
Blaming you for it all became a tattoo
Appalled by the way you lived in disgust
And how you buried your head in the sand when you knew

For the first time this past year
I realized mom, that you have always loved your daughter
That you did the best you could in the unfathomable waters
Hiding the pain you felt in your high as you feared
It was the only way to survive the flooded dysfunction so severe

Your alcoholic husband and his spontaneous fits of rage
Were followed by the Two A.M Bar closing s inebriated
With his arrival back home the bomb had been detonated
His ego and control became his useful and intoxicating stage
And now this hot tempered man became exceedingly animated
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Feed The Faith ~ Starve The Doubt

          Feed The Faith ~ Starve The Doubt

Light of Life

I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow

Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief

Feed the faith
Starve the doubt

At The Close of Her Day


At The Close of Her Day

~L

She’s searching a valid response
if she may
A conclusion of love
at the close of her day
A support to understand
While she takes the time to plan
Please don’t misunderstand
For she has not gone astray
She is now just finding her way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She is burdened by much uncertainty
So much frustration of doubt and insecurities
She prays for one to understand

It seems the unavailability
For her security
Is not in demand
She longs for stability
To hold her tight in her humility
For she can’t seem to find the energy
to battle all theses demons and her impurities

She’s running at such a disgracing pace
With shame she hides her face
And asks how
How is it that she has come to this disenchanted place
And how could God allow
Allow these demons to embrace
these memories that retrace

She’s doing the best in the midst of this fear
the hours of darkness have been so surreal
She seeks a place of protection
Where she can feel a safe connection
A place to bring direction
Not perfection
Just a place for reflection
From all the evil evil years of disconnection

She has found her life’s been changed
Courage failed
Hope caged
Oh how disappointment’s been enraged
Her bravery sadly derailed
Disengaged
Have they prevailed
Has hope really exhaled

A Hundred times she’s been removed
Remember the hell that was used?
It’s not easy going back to be reused
Nor is it easy to prove
Not easy to see the accused
Not easy at all

There is an ache
to relive being so small
No longer do I want to stall
but to feel re-abused
to mentally arrive in the hall of hell
to have to recall
I’m afraid I will be all alone
when I fall

I’m so very confused!
How do I choose?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

She’s searching a valid response, if she may
A conclusion of love at the close of her day
A support to understand
While she takes the time to plan
Please don’t misunderstand
it’s just so much to withstand!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



For ‘UncertainMe and all Her AmbiguousValues”

(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear

Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved

Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted

Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms

We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted
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I choose to believe in hope

Despite sorrow
Grief
Distress
and troubling times

I desire to persevere
through the fear
the past
the hurt
And the darkness that rears

With the Spirit of God
and His light that
continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity and
setbacks in achieving victory

I choose to believe in hope

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
Why have I been so naive?
The true touch of God
I must believe

In my perseverance
I understand the urgency to press on with
the firmness of truth
and the determination
to overcome

In the void of harmonies…
The loneliness of absent camaraderie’s…
The sorrows of yesterdays…
I shall remember this is not a new song

I choose to believe in hope

There will be a day
when His glory will slay
that dreadful sorrow
void – negated
Loneliness – betrayed
And darkness forever desecrated

We have tasted glory
Felt the warmth of heaven’s luminosity
Let us not neglect
the old, old story
when light was spoken
and darkness divided

Even in the pressing void
Flooded sorrow’s
and distressing loneliness we feel…

Death has not overcome
Darkness has not won
The light has not been defeated
Not all has been deleted
Truth has become
Because of the Son

In this world we will have trouble
But take heart
Our Creator has said
“I have overcome the World”

I choose to believe in hope

So I shall have a steadfastness to keep on despite difficulty
Keep hope in the delays
of achieving success
I will have a continuance
in a state of grace
Leading finally to a state of glory
As it’s humbly embraced

When the fullness of light
meets the dark in it’s final hour
Darkness will cower
tremble at the sound of victory
and surrender it’s tower

Oh what a splendid day that will empower
With determination and courage I shall persevere awaiting that hour

I choose to believe in hope

~L

Trust, Grief, and Hope

Trust and grief can coincide.
It is still awful.
Trust does not make the pain go away.
TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE.
HOPE sees BEYOND the pain.
Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.

(heard something like this 
a few months ago 
from a really good 
church service)

____________________________________

…………….. I AM ……………

… trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain

Healing Rain

This song has always been a favorite.  It spoke to me as it started raining  this past July…  I just had to go out and “be washed in Heaven’s rain” (emotional)   …”to stand in Summer’s rain. I will never forget this moment.  It was a healing moment for my soul.  I was blessed enough that it was all captured behind a camera!  This video is what I like to call ‘Video Poetry’.  Words could not describe what that moment was… so here is my moment for you in the form of ‘Video Poetry’.

Healing Rain

                         By: ~L

Most Pictures were taken by my Step-daughter and some myself.  Hope you enjoyed ;)

green – but not that you would know

Green is all I know . ..

green but not that one would know
i barely know
and i’ve tried hard to know
sometimes her green does not recognize even themselves
mostly they know too much
.                         .              .   

this way
that way
but not your way
not long enough for you to know

up
down
more down than up

i’ve searched to see what’s within her green
i need the green to feel safe enough to search
to let what’s behind the green do what she is made to do… what she once was.

the green wants to tell
even if there are things longed to be untold
the green is made to learn
even if there are things longed to be unlearned

hesitant – but desperate for someone to know the exact green
the exact shade
the exact hue
the exact brightness

someone to know
that’s what’s needed
that’s what’s feared
hidden
that’s the the shade of green
a hidden green

they hurt the green because the green forgot her job

shame hinders her green to look someone’s way
yet longs for someone to know
someone who wants to know
someone who looks long enough
someone who waits long enough
someone who knows too much
and then still wants to know more
someone to take her hand and pull her to the other side
the safe side

green
but not that you would know

.