Tag Archives: thoughts

Silent Secret Screams

Posted on February 20, 2012 | 39 Comments

 Silent Secret Screams

I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin

I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!

My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak

Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail

This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the  forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME

I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness

In desperation,
 ~L
(A confused and  broken daughter of God)

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If you could, hold on for just a bit.

Posted on February 10, 2012 | 40 Comments

I am not sure how long yet, but I think it’s best if I take a break from posting new writes for for a bit.  I will still read when I can from my subscribers blog.

I am under an extreme amount of pressure and situational struggles that need my  attention.  It’s hard to make this decision because it is you, my readers who are very encouraging and affirming.  I appreciate each one of you and I’m very grateful for the kindness you have shown me.

I don’t know how long it will be?  …perhaps a week, two… or maybe a poem once every other week. (…through one up there for a Free Write Friday and just let it be, with out the pressure of the ‘rules’ of poetry.  Of course those rules are mostly my own set of standers and perhaps ridicules ones – but none the least… I allow it to suck me in to play the role of pressuring me to ‘do it just so’)

I will still be writing (always), yet for now it will be with pen and paper (and a sore hand) ;) Feel free to read previous posts and share your thoughts if you feel so led :) I just edited five posts that explain my story as best as it could be shared… so much that I even learned about myself re-reading them today… and you know you’re going through a slump when that happens.

You can catch up there or wherever when you want to. When your comments come across my phone throughout the day, they always give me a warm feeling that someone is caring at the moment enough to take the time to share their thoughts about reading something I wrote from my heart.

This is a good little break for me.  … again I will read your amazing blogs while I can… while I’m waiting in the waiting room for appointments, in the car when I pick of kids… when I’m in need of some moments of getting out of my head. OH!  …and the nights when I need a good read because I can’t sleep… I will be checking in on you all.  :)  I love reading your posts too.

With much appreciation as a girl can extend,

~L

Oh, and P.S.  (I leave you with an amazing, amazing, amazing song… I hope you take the time to check it out)

Trusting, leaping out in faith, and learning. Oh! …  and my very favorite part of the song is at – 2:03.

Trying the best I can…  praying the words to this song.

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Posted in Healing one day at a time, Random Blog Posts

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left untitled (again)

Posted on February 5, 2012 | 16 Comments

How do I care enough about this moment to not worry about the next?

Because a next moment makes me think….this moment needs to make sure  that next moment does not come.  And sometimes everyone’s answers of how to fix that… it’s not as easy as what it sounds… and I don’t expect one to understand; for they can only understand what they know.

Desperation… Desperation will make you do the unthinkable. It is easy for one to judge another and say “I would never… ” but the truth is, you have no idea what you might be willing to do until you are there.  When you’re eye to eye with desperation, when your body is broken and your mind divided, you will do exactly what you must to survive…

A death of the spirit is worse than a death of the body.

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They are…

Posted on February 1, 2012 | 40 Comments

They’re

.

They’re hidden in each block
An embarrassment of unspoken evils

They’re embedded in brittle rafters
One way conversations
Burned by her transferred thoughts

They’re hanging in dark corners
Clinging in dusty webs
Spun by small witnesses

They’re contained in rusted pipes
The echoed screams that are silenced
An accomplice
to the removing of her mind

They’re corroding in a floor drain
Collecting guilt and shame
Growing the fear over many long years

They’re trapped by a 1×2 porthole
Where the fire of hell has welded shut the seal of hopeThey’re engrained in the ground
The spilled innocence
of evidence

They’re trying to fight their way out
Bound in a chest by brutal ropes
Holding them from freedom… they say – there is no leaving

       .  They’re are secrets
. .…    ,  They are mine

I’m working on to taking back the embarrassment
Embedded in each lying block

Realize the need to dig up the years
Stained within a cold-blooded floor

To flush out the pain and start taking back my mind
It has no place remaining in a filthy drain of shame

I want more than anything to break the seal of bondage
Shatter the glass of despair

One day to your face
I hope to sweep away the cobwebs
Fearlessly burn words into your brittle rafters
Then watch you cave
As your building of secrets come crashing down

I want to remove your power over me
Remove the guilt that has grown for years
It was never mind to keep
Here you go…
place it in your drain to grow
In your new dwelling place
Your 6×8 cell of shame

I want justice
to seal away your harm…
and if it was hell you wanted
here you go
One day, it will come
and then it will be your turn Count them up – one by one
Each block of embarrassments
as they’re there to remind you…

They’re…
They were secrets
They’re to be secrets no more.

~L

Titling the untitled one by one… I’m entitled – They’re  What they are…

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Posted in My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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Untitled (I can’t title a moment if I don’t really know what ‘it’ is… it just is) Untitled

Posted on January 31, 2012 | 24 Comments

.

My mind is in a fog
and I seriously am crying
from the inside out,
shedding not a single tear…Drowning in a single mirror
from the outside in
as I dangerously am contemplating
My heart’s remaining years

~L

.

.
“Hold on”, You say… … “I’m trying… I really am”, she whispers

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Posted in Music is the heartbeat of my healing soul, Poems by ~L

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My Present Hour of Darkness

Posted on January 25, 2012 | 27 Comments

My Present Hour of Darkness
By: ~L

Pages and Pages
From all stages
From the small ages
To present as it engages

Left untreated
Secreted
uncompleted

Title a moment.
-pain
Title several moments.
-Inhumane

Leave me untitled
and call me Jane

There’s nothing left to explain
Nothing remains
It’s all in-vain
Everything remains…

.It’s vulgarly insane!

.

.

.

if you want to listen to ~L read poem…

if you want all of my heart….

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green – but not that you would know

Posted on February 5, 2011 | 12 Comments

Someone once said about me this…


.
.green
but not that one would know
i barely know
and i’ve tried hard to know
sometimes her green does not recognize even themselves
mostly they know too much
.                         .              .   

this way
that way
but not your way
not long enough for you to know

up
down
more down than up

i’ve searched to see what’s within her green
i need her green to feel safe enough to search
to let what’s behind her green do what she is made to do

the green is made to tell
even if there are things longed to be untold
the green is made to learn
even if there are things longed to be unlearned

hesitant – but desperate for someone to know the exact green
the exact shade
the exact hue
the exact brightness

someone to know
that’s what’s needed
that’s what’s feared
hidden
that’s the the shade of green
a hidden green

shame hinders her green to look my way
yet longs for someone to know
someone who wants to know
someone who looks long enough
someone who waits long enough
someone who knows too much
and then still wants to know more

green
but not that you would know

.

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Posted in Healing one day at a time

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Protected: What I am thankful for…

Posted on November 25, 2010 | Enter your password to view comments.

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Stuck between worlds…

Posted on September 4, 2010 | 3 Comments
pulling hair out

Image by wstera2 via Flickr

Okay… whoever reads this blog must know by now that it’s been a battle between the world that I presently live in and the dark world I grew up as a child.   This past week has been very emotional for me.  As I am currently trying to make the right decision of what I should do.  My therapist wants me to go to a program for people who have gone through what I have and have good doctors to help me move forward.  Sigh!!!!!  This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I feel as if the weight of this past world is crashing in on me.  New memories flood my mind often and sometimes I can manage through them and sometimes I get so sick that if their was anything in my stomach it just comes back up.  Gross I know.

So here I am stuck in a moment like the great U2 song says.  I feel lost in what I should do, I feel lost in the memories that haunt my soul.  I can’t wait for church tomorrow… I need to a joy charge.. I hope I find it.  My ADHD mind is beyond lacking focus.  I am sure I am not making any sense.

What to do…  what to do….                                                                                                   

 oh…  can’t this decisions just be easier… I think it’s owed to me for it to be more simpler than this!  Does anyone realize how tired and weak I am.  Can someone take over and make  these decisions  for me?

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Before the Morning

Posted on June 28, 2010 | 4 Comments

Before the morning comes
I have…
Prayed harder than ever
Fought a dark world
became entangled in the memories of a past long ago
cried
stared at the crack in the door wondering if “he” is really gone
tossed and turned
Prayed some more
wondered what it would be like if I could just utter half of what I dreamt aloud to anyone

Is it possible that someone would really care enough to know or help me understand?
I know it is a “job” of a therapist to help you… but do you ever feel they get sick of it or care only because they “have to” I mean I am sure they want to but… I don’t know…

I have this song for you all to listen too… hope you like it!

~L

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2 AM

Posted on April 2, 2010 | 7 Comments

I think I am going to just stay up for the rest of the night. I just woke up from a horrible dream! I hate this all… I hate not knowing what to do next! I feel like it’s flooding back and i just keep shoving reality back under the rug. It’s all so much… I just need someone to understand. I am scared to go back to sleep. What’s next? Will someone please tell me what I should do? I don’t know what to do? I am beyond sick of this little dance I have been doing for the past few months. I need some advice on what i need to do and how…. I need to know how! Should I forget and pretend it all away…. should I spill my guts as hard as it is? Something… I should be doing something. Because all this nothing I am doing is getting me no where! (sigh) I surrender! I am in complete surrender mode. I need someone to take the driver seat… I am broken, hurt, scared, lost,confused, and not in control of this situation… please someone… tell me what I need to do? And don’t tell me to pray… because I already am… like you would not believe. I am trying… and fighting… but I can’t control my nights and these dreams! so… what do I do? Anyone? Someone?

What’s the point in all this screaming… no one’s listening anyway.

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The Real me!

Posted on March 7, 2010 | 14 Comments

I tell ya… I don’t know what to think about all that is going on. I started this blog so I could just be free and write exactly how I feel…. I emailed it to a few close friends and I thought I could be real… but I hate you all knowing how I really feel. I hate disappointing you.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am full of love… I care about a lot… if you hurt, I hurt… I have a compassion for hurting people… a love for those who need it. I wish I could love myself… but I just disappoint myself day after day. I don’t do it right… or enough… or just not at all. The nights come and I sit on the couch and think about why it is that I feel this way… how can I get out of this depression. I wonder what the night will hold for me. I pray, I read the bible… I listen to music… and then I go to sleep… I don’t own the dreams that steal my nights away… I wake with fear and I just sit up in bed and stare at the door and wonder what it was like to be her all those years ago. My face is well acquainted with the warm tears that stream down my face in the middle of the night. Some nights I get up and sit on the couch and stare into space.

I feel stupid feeling this way… embarrassed… I feel shame… and most of all I feel sad… sad and confused. I fought this once… and I thought once was all that was needed. It was explained to me like this by someone… if this was cancer and this was me getting it for the second time people would understand. They would feel bad that the cancer is back… they would comfort me and be here for me to help me… and I would not be embarrassed because I can’t help that the cancer is back… so it should be like this with my depression… the problem is so many don’t understand… they think that I can just get up and go enjoy life… just do it…. be strong. Would you tell that to someone with cancer… just get up… go to the gym… enjoy life… don’t sleep all day. I hate it! so…

So I hide…
I hide in the shadows of secrets untold…
hide in the fear that you won’t understand
…hide in the horror that it was real

I hate hating you
I fear that in hating you I have grown further away from God
I have begun to become a stranger in my own body
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know where to go
or what to say
or even how to begin.
Reaching out for help is hard to do…
being turned away is heart crushing…
wanting someone to understand is vital
and not knowing what to do is breathtakingly painful!

The tears that aquanaut my face in the darkest hours of the night
never cease to get easier
I beg heaven to send comfort…
I feel all alone and empty
just like she did when he left her abused and broken
all alone, confused and forgotten.

(sigh)

I have good moments
I have great moments
I have hopeful moments
moments of peace
even moments of joy

Yet it’s in these moments of heartache that seem to destroy my soul
the memories that linger in the never ending dreams, that grieves my soul
and watching her play takes me back to where it all began
and that is the hardest for me.
______________________________________

so here I am…writing to some of you who may know me and some who don’t. I am hurting. I feel lost. And through it all… I still have hope, and I am learning that it is okay to be sad right now. I just hope it is okay for you that I am just a little stuck for the moment…. and someday I will will be able to write a very happy blog post… but in till then maybe you can pray that tonight will be a good night for me.
Please take time to listen to this beautiful song! The words are perfect!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, ~L

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Posted in Healing one day at a time, Music is the heartbeat of my healing soul

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Unwanted thoughts

Posted on February 7, 2010 | 3 Comments

It’s worse than pain
when the memories come loose inside of me
you’re voice howls in my mind
sending me into an infinite pool of darkness
and I remember how my little stomach clenched in fear
when you whispered your ugly unwanted thoughts.

I hated you more than
anyone alive,
I hear your wrathful words eternally
like a stinging echo in my head
and I often wish you would raise from the dead
so I could tell you how I hate you so!

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Posted in Poems by ~L

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… lets just sleep all day :/

Posted on February 5, 2010 | 1 Comment

Is it really possible for one to just sleep ALL day long???
I feel so inadequate for life…. out of the hundred things I do in a day, i maybe do 3 things right.
What is the point???????
SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!
If you only knew my thoughts…..

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