Tag Archives: poetry

Silent Secret Screams

 Silent Secret Screams

I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin

I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!

My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak

Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail

This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the  forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME

I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness

In desperation,
~L

…It’s Déjà Vu, Isn’t it?

…It’s Deja Vu, Isn’t it?
By: ~L

You’re on the other side of this wall, aren’t you?
It doesn’t matter how thick… it’s extent
I still feel your green eyes penetrating through
Weaving around double-crossing re-rod
Wondering, can they ever be bent?
Her quite prayer’s to God…
Have they already been spent?

The cold air has left the feeling of déjà-vu
Is it you in the air…
or is it my guilt and its crew?
True or false
I feel it though
And whoa!
Don’t they think they’re the boss!

.

I’m worn-out with all the trying
Trying to let me let you speak
Here I leave you stuck in poetry and pros
Writing on pages, Dear Diary…
then keeping you closed
It’s not effective, I know

I want to scream you out
I want for you
to believe your words can be heard
That you have that right to title your secrets
I just keep striking out
My word!
My voice is incredibly slurred!

I’m afraid I’m not brave
I’m terrified
Shame – a title wave
Fear- classified
Maybe it’s not always a blessing we survived?
Just maybe it would’ve been  better to title a grave
Others judge what they see?
Yet, I’m the one living with she

There are places in this mind,
that I have never been able to find
That is where you lie, isn’t it?
In such pain confined
You’re trapped there, aren’t’ you?

.

You speak to me in dreams
Remind me in cold air pleas
You try to tell me in the energy
Under the full moon – it’s extreme

…It’s déjà vu, isn’t it ?

It’s hard to love myself
When I abandon such a small child
Keep her on a dusty dark shelf
On the other side of a wall, feeling reviled
There is no guarantee to know
if it’s safe to come out and breath?
I don’t know sweetie…
I honestly don’t know

.

And as I keep trying
You keep crying
Wondering
If heaven’s been packed away
While we just keep dancing
in a homicidal ballet

~L

..

 

.

*Dance in the dark, picture credit to – lown_c with flicker. Click on picture to see more of this talented work.~

The most perfect song that finishes the words I can’t find… a complete to this post … “baby ballerina, is hiding somewhere in the corner”…

“I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”

Crying for Heaven’s rainbow beams
Hell’s flames haunt my dreams

Child’s faith I once embraced
Along this path it’s been misplaced

Here I lie in a memory of red
awaiting bravery to move ahead

I’m afraid of a dark code
that lingers on this yellow brick road

It’s not that easy to click your heels
and just go home and heal

God if you’re listening…

Hold me by a thread if you must
as I learn to grieve and trust

Courage, wisdom and heart I need
This would be my greatest plea

I miss Your sacred touch
To the heights of the Heavens – that’s how much

~L

I Have a Face

I hide my face that grins and lies
Behind a mask to disguise
There she cries
In the shadow of their religion
I have been uninvited
Torn and bleeding
As they pass on by with their tries

Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes

My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory

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She Lives In A Fairy Tale

~
She lived in the fairy tales
A world she had to learn  to leave behind

Narnia now trails
And she’s much too old
to set a sail
To play make- believe
is  now only naive

“Never – Never Land”
is never to be restored
Her enchantment lingers
no more
She’s gone back to reality  forevermore

~

The time has come
to bury this castle
Time to sail away
Say goodbye to her hero
and  bid farewell to the magic
Reality…. it’s tragic

Time to face the ugly truth?
To speak out loud the proof?
Healing is in voice?
Violence must be muttered
This child speaks and flutters
As she’s ripped from the only security ever known

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Injustice

Injustice

Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end.

Deep within the soul of a man
Dark and controlled – unthinkable

The need to measure and to weigh
the need for justice now prevails
As grain by grain of sand is placed
upon those waiting scales.

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Forgiving You

Forgiving You
By: ~L


Forgiving you was something I thought I would never do
Loving you was something that was crushed by disgust
Blaming you for it all became a tattoo
Appalled by the way you lived in disgust
And how you buried your head in the sand when you knew

For the first time this past year
I realized mom, that you have always loved your daughter
That you did the best you could in the unfathomable waters
Hiding the pain you felt in your high as you feared
It was the only way to survive the flooded dysfunction so severe

Your alcoholic husband and his spontaneous fits of rage
Were followed by the Two A.M Bar closing s inebriated
With his arrival back home the bomb had been detonated
His ego and control became his useful and intoxicating stage
And now this hot tempered man became exceedingly animated
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I Am Many

I am many
By: ~L


I am many
Stuck within one human body
Feeling the weight of each fear
Separate memories weaved
As they all Embody
Each tear
As nothing seems to be clear

It’s a confusing place
A reality I hesitate to face
A shame that no one will understand
What is trapped with in this vase

I skim life with hesitation
Worry I may fail
Dread I won’t live up to an expectation
Either to others
Or the me, and my many

Insecurities
Embarrassments
Shame – guilt
Sealed in her basement
That has despondently been built

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Feed The Faith ~ Starve The Doubt

          Feed The Faith ~ Starve The Doubt

Light of Life

I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow

Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief

Feed the faith
Starve the doubt

The Hands of Time

The Hand Of Time
~L

I have demons screaming in my mind
Ghosts of past haunting present time

My soul seems to be in a bind
and prayers have been denied
Oh, how I tried to trust…
To be faithful and not blind
This body has been too abused
And the night has been consequently unkind

Courage has been declined
My whole life has been entwined within
an atrocious crime
The clock has chimed
This one last time

Is there any way to unwind
The hands of time?

Continue reading

~My Right Brain~

When I can’t find the words to verbalize
I capture it behind a camera that implies
Paint you a color to realize
Give you a song to reprise
and though it’s not direct, I have generalized
The story within my eyes

If the saying is true
that a picture is worth a thousand words
Then this is just another way to construe
And the saying let my words be few
Is just another point of view

It would leave many of you with a chill
To know those thousand words in one still
It would pull back the clouded vision
From the ones who think they understand the drill!
Perhaps then some would discern
they truly haven’t been displaying a goodwill.

~L

That's A Bright Idea...

I wonder what would happen If I literally combined all the colors , pictures and songs in a container shook it all up; As this container of such is like my mind’s retainer of all the memories that have been unspoken. Many of them hold far too many words to sift through grammar and logic… how it will sound and what memory should be first. When your mind is stacked with untitled moment after untitled moment… you can’t just put your mind on pause and choose one. In this very visual right brain idea; I think this is the ticket to overcoming the overwhelming anxiety of speaking a loud what had seemed to have been the unspeakable. So in courage I would place all these untitled moments in front of me… I shall reach my hand in and randomly take out a memory and then with valor speak the words to the pain of the very moment that I hold in my hands.

I am choosing to free the memories as hard as it, to grieve what was never allowed, to receive love that was never given and feel safe where it was never provided. The freedom to breath and realize their hands aren’t really there, their voices are just haunting lies and then to know it’s now just a memory.

I don’t have to feel the power of their lies anymore… I will feel the emotions and sensations as I speak what was once denied… grieve the many losses …then stamp ‘titled’ on a long-awaited memory that I now choose to be part of who I am; another layer; another moment titled and another that no longer has power over me. So here it is… all my inconspicuous ways of saying the unsaid with pictures, music, and creative poems that hide a deeper meaning; One by one titling all the untitled moments in my life… the only way that feels right.

The key to unlocking this box for me is feeling safe and support as I struggle to feel very alone in this aftermath of untitled moments scattered all around. ..so one by one…(sigh) I get it… this will leave me standing on a solid ground; with what once was ashes will soon be turning into something beautiful.

I think it’s important we don’t forget what makes us-us.  We can heal using the way God uniquely desighned us to be.  For me it’s living in a music box, swimming in an ocean of color and rhythmic words, and standing under a rainbow of captured stills that tell my story; rain and shine.

Be you… always… even in the pain, never stop believing in who God made you to be.

For ‘UncertainMe and all Her AmbiguousValues”

(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear

Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved

Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted

Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms

We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted
Continue reading

I choose to believe in hope

Despite sorrow
Grief
Distress
and troubling times

I desire to persevere
through the fear
the past
the hurt
And the darkness that rears

With the Spirit of God
and His light that
continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity and
setbacks in achieving victory

I choose to believe in hope

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
Why have I been so naive?
The true touch of God
I must believe

In my perseverance
I understand the urgency to press on with
the firmness of truth
and the determination
to overcome

In the void of harmonies…
The loneliness of absent camaraderie’s…
The sorrows of yesterdays…
I shall remember this is not a new song

I choose to believe in hope

There will be a day
when His glory will slay
that dreadful sorrow
void – negated
Loneliness – betrayed
And darkness forever desecrated

We have tasted glory
Felt the warmth of heaven’s luminosity
Let us not neglect
the old, old story
when light was spoken
and darkness divided

Even in the pressing void
Flooded sorrow’s
and distressing loneliness we feel…

Death has not overcome
Darkness has not won
The light has not been defeated
Not all has been deleted
Truth has become
Because of the Son

In this world we will have trouble
But take heart
Our Creator has said
“I have overcome the World”

I choose to believe in hope

So I shall have a steadfastness to keep on despite difficulty
Keep hope in the delays
of achieving success
I will have a continuance
in a state of grace
Leading finally to a state of glory
As it’s humbly embraced

When the fullness of light
meets the dark in it’s final hour
Darkness will cower
tremble at the sound of victory
and surrender it’s tower

Oh what a splendid day that will empower
With determination and courage I shall persevere awaiting that hour

I choose to believe in hope

~L

The morning sun has come over the horizon

The morning sun has come over the horizon
and I have faced my most obsessed demon’s once again

Here I stand at the very edge of this lustful shore.
my soul has been tossed into this raging sea

I faced the dark sea of deep and dirty monsters
and once again I faced it with all might

Reminding myself, “I shall not drown”
Reassuring my spirit… Victory is near

I watched as the waves swallowed me whole
As nature allowed devastation to uphold

Oh, my God
My friend

Almighty Ruler
of Land and Sea

Calm these storms
Heal my spirit from oppression

It’s dark and cold
My body fatigued

Hold me a float
Create a bed of rest for your wary chid

Feed my week body
mend my soul

With the rising dawn
Bless me with a steadfast courage to start over again

The morning sun has come and gone….
and here I stand again

faced with my most obsessed demon’s once again

Not forgetting when I sail to the far side of the Sea
You will be there

Frozen

always frozen;
never moving forward.
These fleeting ‘happy’ moments
are all just an illusion!
…a deceiving game
that tortures me into a hope… a hope that
‘someday’ I won’t be
so stuck in this awful frozen sadness.

~L

Sing to me a lullaby

Hold me light of the world
Love me… say you love me
and set me free

Sing me a lullaby as soft as you can
It will be all right. It will be all right
Sing me a melody as soft as you can
Rest tonight. Rest tonight

Hold me ‘Light of the world’
Love me… say you love me
and set me free

Sing me a lullaby as soft as you can
Tell me I’ll be all right. It will be all right
sing with angles in glorious harmony
Rescue me from it all. From the nights
Sing to me a lullaby
Continue reading

Mother

Two forty eight in the morning
My mind is worn-out
My body in alarm
I close my eyes
And listen deep

I sometimes hear my mother singing
Then realized it was never to me
I breathe in
And release
I hang my head in the sorrow

Imagining her loving me
Her hands running through my hair
A gentle touch
A loving kiss
An affirmation of hope

Three twenty one in the morning
My heart grieves
My gut sinks
I wide eyed stair into the wall in front of me
Saddened by dull dreams

Continue reading

breaking logic

I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could have sunk into that floor.
To break logic and science and fall through solid matter as if it were sky.
I am sure I have prayed over a thousand times
That I could simply disappear into the ground that I laid upon.

Reality is…it was a cold hard floor that met my back
And as much as I would have liked to disappear beneath that foundation…
It never happened
The weight of their evil reminded my spine that this ugly truth
would only take something mystical to free me from this oppression

My skin…
It never forgets the temperature
Nor the grainy dirt that created friction between cement and body

My sense of smell…
It never forgets the affluent scent of fear,
Or the smell of cigarette smoke, sweat, and earth

My tongue…
It never forgets the taste of silenced words
or the mysterious metallic-like, nameless trace left residing in my mouth

My eyes…
They now seem unprotected once evil has been burned into my mind
The sight of his sadistic eyes and devilish smirk
It’s as if I were his heaven
And he was my eternal hell

My ears…
They hear the resounding lies as they echo in my mind
The sound of my heart beating,
The inner voice in my soul
And constant ringing of a phone

My spirit…
Lies broken once again
Hanging on to threads of truth
As it begs… begs heaven to break the rules just this once!

The cement, once again cradled this broken, naked, and humiliated body
Their obsessions seem to continue coming back to finish
I again tried breaking logic and reasoning with Mother Nature
Hoping that just maybe this time I would sink into the bed of mercy

I now lay night after night alone
I’m afraid to close my eyes
Every time I do the movie trailer of events
re-torture what is left of my mind
And again I lay here trying to rationalize with science and logic
Attempting to fall deeper and deeper into this bed

My skin can’t bear to connect with resistance
I seek a supernatural experience
A bottomless resting place for my back to lie
With hopes that just this once
I would be allotted to fall into protection

This time, tonight as I timidly lay my head to rest
I gently close my eyes, rest my hand lightly on my face
And envision it’s the safety of a protector.

As I fall deep into my bed
It’s as if I truly have become weightless tonight
I listen for your voice
And it comes

Without this image of shelter
All I would feel are the unwanted hands
I then fan the flame of imagination
Envisioning falling into a limitless bed of safety

It is in this reflection of this security
Where the whispers of relentless lies vanish
No visions of haunting eyes
The taste of terror is now disposed
…All in this seemingly simple voyage
Into a simple hand of shelter
Resting on my face

 

Two Truths

TRUTH I

One never thinks to experience
being passionately desired
Obsessively ‘loved’
Fully attended to
As when one is the object of the desires
and passions of a person who loves to hate you

… who loves to destroy you
.. who is devoted in having power over you
…who takes thrill in mocking you in your helplessness
… who derives pure pleasure from your pain
..who takes delight in your fear
…whose eyes light up when you cringe?
..who worships in watching you shrivel into nothing before their eyes
…who fills up with a sick joy when you beg heaven
and are turned away from mercy

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The reality is… in my reality you can’t come

wishing you could come...

Won’t you come?

Keep me safe in the darkness
As shadows rise
and memories begin to flood my eyes
Won’t you come?

Let the safety of your hand
resting on my shoulder bring comfort
It is needed much
I wish for a gentle touch
Alone this is too much to confront
Won’t you come?

I just can't be alone with my eyes are closed

When I close my eyes
The movie trailer becomes
And all I want to do is die
As the many awful memories
Are behind each and every sigh
I am not sure I can do this alone
This hurt is too hard on my own
Won’t you come?
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