Tag Archives: pain

keep singing

The clouds are thick. The rain is pouring. My feet are sunk into cement. I stand in this darkness unable to move.

Sometimes all I can do is keep singing even if just a hum comes out…. it has been my longest coping skill from the moment I could talk. I honestly don’t have many words… sometimes it’s just a melody with no lyrics.

I sense the feeling that depressing is on the rise. I am in need of someone to hold me. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t want to figure it out. I don’t want to understand tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I will make it through. I will make it through.

Sometimes it’s ‘family’ that is more important than therapy. Sometime one just needs the simplicity of support without judgment or restriction… or even opinions… just love. I would run back home tomorrow if I knew they would take this broken girl back with out condemning her, restricting who she is… I need to live the only way i know how… I need to keep singing.

I am learning that home is in my soul. That perhaps the only one to hold me through the dark and nightmare filled nights is my God. I’m so ridiculously human that I still crave a warm touch to show me I’m still alive and worth the love.

(too many tears) Why did you take what was not yours to take? That stated question pertains in various levels to various people. Some took my sense of safety. Some took my body. Some took what only God should be allowed to remove. Some took my passions…. and again I say, “you can take the passion away from the girl but you can’t take the passion out of the girl” … not this one at least… not this one.  Temporally stealing away my right to be me is just as bad as temporally suffocating one… temporally is too long to not breath they way she breaths.  I need to keep singing.

I ‘gotta keep singing… that’s the only way that I find healing…

It’s been a tole on me I must admit… Part IV of ‘Why I know my God is real …’

Freely written at 10pm.  No need for me to re read my heart… this is the real deal… no proof reading tonight… what you see is what you get)

As Much as I want to finish this and tell you the storm has passed and I see sunshine… All I have right now is a rainbow… a rainbow to tell me that someday this too shall pass and you can be alive the way my God has planed for me to be. I had a beautiful way to end this serious (if that what you want to call it?) I’m a bit weary at the moment and it would be a lie for me to finish what needs to be said… so soon I will but not today.

I am not going to bring the sunshine to you today when it’s not shinning. I know it’s still behind those clouds… so hope is still present, but honestly these last three posts have taken a huge tole on me. I have had to remember a lot and mourn much in a short time with no comfort or anyone to hold me as the tears fall and my body feels the pain of all the yesterdays. As I type this right now I think how very far I am from ‘home’.

Depression is depression… that is the season I am in right now. A season where the memories for the past year have flipped my life upside down and sent me into a shock.  I HAVE NOT DIED… I AM NOT YET DEAD!  I am just depressed and SUFFERING from a very VERY difficult past.  I am ALIVE and I’m going to live my life the way.

I have fought and fought… took some breaks… fought and fought. I am closer to where I was yesterday… but these last miles one runs are the hardest… your tired, thirsty,and you just want it to be done. This has been a long marathon and these last miles are not to be mistaken as ‘almost done’ they need to be understood as ‘please please hold me up when I fall, please please encourage me to the finish line, please please please coach me in what is best to make it, please please if I fall come pick me up and finish the race with me…. Desperation is a funny thing… it really humbles you enough to say, “I need help”.

I AM NOT YET DEAD… I am going to live today… and tomorrow and the next and the next… I am worth the fight… because I have value … my God tells me so… so “don’t bury me… I’m not yet dead”!!!

Thank you for coming along with me on this long marathon!  Thank you for your words of hope… it’s been like a shot of Gatorade for me.  And for those that have prayed… it’s been like you snuck me in a 5 hour energy drink ;)  I am very thankful for your prayers and support!  You have no idea how that make me feel… So… for all of that I am thank you… it’s very humbling to have one read your broken heart… it’s not a fun nor a great read…  but the words of hope from you and times when one can relate bring a sense of understanding why I keep writing and it truly is humbling.

I’m not yet dead!  Great song ;)    My fight song today… :)  I still got some rock left in me ;)

(The next post is the last chapter (thus far)  about ‘my story’.   I put so much time, effort, tears and courage into this next post to share my dream to overcome and not be defeated… and the video at the end… yeah, that took me awhile too) ;)

Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part II)

If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.

There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?

I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now!
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I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.

Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.

I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126

So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)

...no more pain

This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?

This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!

The Pain of Knowing – Part I

The Pain of Knowing
December 7, 2009 from the blog, “The Other 167 Hours …Life outside the session” By: Dr.David Hamilton PsyD

I often work with people who are trying to find the courage to know what they know. Imagine standing in front of a wall that you are about to paint. You look at it and decide that red would be a perfect color for the wall, and you’re right. It would be.

Red Paint with Splash of YellowYou have a paintbrush in your hand. Next to you is a step ladder with an open bucket of paint on top. You reach up and dip your paintbrush into the bucket.

But, something’s wrong!

Your paintbrush comes out yellow. That bucket is full of yellow paint! Yellow is definitely not the right color for this wall.

You decide to try again. After carefully washing off your brush, you again take your place in front of the wall. You reach up and dip your brush into the paint can. It’s yellow. That’s not right. Everyone you know agrees that this wall should be painted red. You decide you need a break. You set down your brush and walk away upset. You decide to give it 24 hours.

The next day you have calmed down. You are feeling a little more positive now. You go to the wall, pick up your brush, which has caked-on dried paint from the day before and you spend the next 30 minutes carefully cleaning the brush. Then, you carefully and happily dip it in the bucket, only to be shocked again that it came out yellow.

You throw down the brush, frustrated. You spend 15 minutes looking at the wall carefully making sure that red would be the best color, not yellow. Yup, it should be red. You pick up your brush, wash it off and dip it in the paint bucket…

I’ll leave the rest of the story for you to finish.

There are some things in life that are definitely not the way they should be. You know how they should be, but every time you try to make changes, it doesn’t work. You get mad, frustrated, hard to be around, depressed…
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Depression and a Search For The Cure To The Pain

As I sit here un-showered for three days now, I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions that lay within even matter? I question because there is a real world that is going on and I’m just pathetically stuck watching out my one-way mirror while I hide in the shame and fear of too many regrets. I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.

Depression feels like a tremendous amount of pain that has crawled deep with in your muscles as it weights your shoulders down and then wraps itself around your neck and into your head. Its close friend, anxiety lurks in to take a turn; it grabs your chest and with its burning hands it squeezes any remaining comfort right out of you. It begins to hurt just to breathe… thus you battle that pain and breathe shallow, thinking your now, panicked heart, won’t hurt so bad if you don’t breath so much. Your soul becomes heavy, weighted down by the hopelessness and only because hopelessness has proven itself true over time, doubt begins to grow and your faith becomes starved. You now sink further into the grasp of this persistent darkness; depression has taken up residence and feels it is here to stay.
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the more I try the more it hurts…

Dark series #12 - the forest rouse

Image by Xavier Fargas via Flickr

Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world isn’t getting any better
The more we try to get
closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I’ve spent so many nights wondering when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I’m running the race but it seems too hard to win
I’m sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I’m calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart’s been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can’t take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left

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No words today… just a melody and tears

No words
Not understanding
Not knowing how to talk
or what to even think

Today I send up to you oh Lord a wordless prayer
wipe my tears and hold me in your loving arms

You oh, Lord are my strength
Forever to be loved by the one who knows my cry before a breath of voice can even be spoken

Before the Morning

Before the morning comes
I have…
Prayed harder than ever
Fought a dark world
became entangled in the memories of a past long ago
cried
stared at the crack in the door wondering if “he” is really gone
tossed and turned
Prayed some more
wondered what it would be like if I could just utter half of what I dreamt aloud to anyone

Is it possible that someone would really care enough to know or help me understand?
I know it is a “job” of a therapist to help you… but do you ever feel they get sick of it or care only because they “have to” I mean I am sure they want to but… I don’t know…

I have this song for you all to listen too… hope you like it!

~L

I need to remember how God has been faithful…

I need to remember how God has lifted me out of the depths of darkness. I also need to remember that God has my soul in his hands and even thought my mind may be exposed for the darkness to creep in and try to destroy my present… he has saved me from the reality of what was… so I know my God can save me from the memories of once was and no longer lives. I am safe in His promises.

It’s hard to explain what I feel when the memories come flooding into my mind. I need to know that if God can save me from the grasp of an evil man then He can save me from the memories that no longer can harm me. I need some energy to fight. I have none…. I use it all during the night fighting the darkness away.

It has been a roller coaster of a ride for the past 4 weeks… not knowing what to do. Knowing that Bipolar is a for sure thing now seems sad, yet I’m relieved to know… now maybe I can get on the right meds and figure it all out… No one ever knows really what to do with me… what help is best and how to approach it… I wish someone would fight for me… how am I suppose to win this when I am so week? I need an advocate…. and why is it that I want to rely on an earthly help? Why can’t I just be content that God can be my advocate? Oh, boy???? I have too much going on in my brain and think I just need to slow down… a nap sounds good and I have only been up a few hours:(

2 AM

I think I am going to just stay up for the rest of the night. I just woke up from a horrible dream! I hate this all… I hate not knowing what to do next! I feel like it’s flooding back and i just keep shoving reality back under the rug. It’s all so much… I just need someone to understand. I am scared to go back to sleep. What’s next? Will someone please tell me what I should do? I don’t know what to do? I am beyond sick of this little dance I have been doing for the past few months. I need some advice on what i need to do and how…. I need to know how! Should I forget and pretend it all away…. should I spill my guts as hard as it is? Something… I should be doing something. Because all this nothing I am doing is getting me no where! (sigh) I surrender! I am in complete surrender mode. I need someone to take the driver seat… I am broken, hurt, scared, lost,confused, and not in control of this situation… please someone… tell me what I need to do? And don’t tell me to pray… because I already am… like you would not believe. I am trying… and fighting… but I can’t control my nights and these dreams! so… what do I do? Anyone? Someone?

What’s the point in all this screaming… no one’s listening anyway.

The Real me!

I tell ya… I don’t know what to think about all that is going on. I started this blog so I could just be free and write exactly how I feel…. I emailed it to a few close friends and I thought I could be real… but I hate you all knowing how I really feel. I hate disappointing you.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am full of love… I care about a lot… if you hurt, I hurt… I have a compassion for hurting people… a love for those who need it. I wish I could love myself… but I just disappoint myself day after day. I don’t do it right… or enough… or just not at all. The nights come and I sit on the couch and think about why it is that I feel this way… how can I get out of this depression. I wonder what the night will hold for me. I pray, I read the bible… I listen to music… and then I go to sleep… I don’t own the dreams that steal my nights away… I wake with fear and I just sit up in bed and stare at the door and wonder what it was like to be her all those years ago. My face is well acquainted with the warm tears that stream down my face in the middle of the night. Some nights I get up and sit on the couch and stare into space.

I feel stupid feeling this way… embarrassed… I feel shame… and most of all I feel sad… sad and confused. I fought this once… and I thought once was all that was needed. It was explained to me like this by someone… if this was cancer and this was me getting it for the second time people would understand. They would feel bad that the cancer is back… they would comfort me and be here for me to help me… and I would not be embarrassed because I can’t help that the cancer is back… so it should be like this with my depression… the problem is so many don’t understand… they think that I can just get up and go enjoy life… just do it…. be strong. Would you tell that to someone with cancer… just get up… go to the gym… enjoy life… don’t sleep all day. I hate it! so…

So I hide…
I hide in the shadows of secrets untold…
hide in the fear that you won’t understand
…hide in the horror that it was real

I hate hating you
I fear that in hating you I have grown further away from God
I have begun to become a stranger in my own body
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know where to go
or what to say
or even how to begin.
Reaching out for help is hard to do…
being turned away is heart crushing…
wanting someone to understand is vital
and not knowing what to do is breathtakingly painful!

The tears that aquanaut my face in the darkest hours of the night
never cease to get easier
I beg heaven to send comfort…
I feel all alone and empty
just like she did when he left her abused and broken
all alone, confused and forgotten.

(sigh)

I have good moments
I have great moments
I have hopeful moments
moments of peace
even moments of joy

Yet it’s in these moments of heartache that seem to destroy my soul
the memories that linger in the never ending dreams, that grieves my soul
and watching her play takes me back to where it all began
and that is the hardest for me.
______________________________________

so here I am…writing to some of you who may know me and some who don’t. I am hurting. I feel lost. And through it all… I still have hope, and I am learning that it is okay to be sad right now. I just hope it is okay for you that I am just a little stuck for the moment…. and someday I will will be able to write a very happy blog post… but in till then maybe you can pray that tonight will be a good night for me.
Please take time to listen to this beautiful song! The words are perfect!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, ~L

It’s your trial now!

I will sing the pain, give voice to
the sadness of tearing flesh
and unending madness
______________
I want what cannot be,
what you could never begin
to give to my lost and wounded soul.
______________
Tell me that you lied
take it back if you must.
Apologize!
_____________
You cannot know, cannot begin
to feel the anger, pain and fury.
The deepest burning pits of hell
cannot contain the torment I felt.
_____________
I am guilty in the first degree of childhood lost
Sentenced by a Judas-court
the judge Satan himself.
_____________
I totally reject everything that
you ever did inside of me.
Throw it in your face, your
demon eyes that never leave,
your lies, and perverted grace.
_____________
I will sing the pain,
give voice to the madness of murdered hope
and unending sadness.
I will climb one more step out of shame.
_____________
There will be a day when you’re on trial…
Your jury… will be those who have seen the effects that your evil had on me.
And all will know who you really are.
The judge….
You better tremble because my God hates your god.
You can take back all you did to me
and go live with him in eternal flames!
…OH, and when you are begging for water…
remember that you used it all on me
when you tried downing my joy down the basement drain.

My fight song!

Unwanted thoughts

It’s worse than pain
when the memories come loose inside of me
your voice howls in my mind
sending me into an infinite pool of darkness
and I remember how my little stomach clenched in fear
when you whispered your ugly unwanted thoughts.

I hated you more than
anyone alive,
I hear your wrathful words eternally
like a stinging echo in my head
and I often wish you would raise from the dead
so I could tell you how I hate you so!

Beauty from Pain

Scared
Terrified
Deathly terrified

of what is
of what was
and what is going to come
…of what has always been.

Fear
Ashamed
I can’t hear His voice anymore
I am at the end of me
I am just in need of one night
one night of rest
one day filled with hope

~L

“I forgot to hope this nights been so long
I cling to your promise…
their will be a dawn.

The best I can do is just pray through the day
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
and though I can’t understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back some day…
and see how you brought beauty from pain”
~Supperchick

Okay God, I get it… I know… (deep breath in)  I am yours… mold me from this wreck… I do trust in You.