Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies.
Inside her mind lies a raging war… damaging deceit against hidden truths.
Inside her heart lies a sadness that she must tell this little girl
what really happened long ago.
Yet, inside her soul lies a Savior who uniquely created a mind
to change the world.
She has been preserved for a moment as such,
to share with the world who she was always meant to be
She thinks with color
And comprehends life as a song
The earth teaches her more than the words in a book
And passion fills her soul as she urges to fight injustice …..
Deep within this vessel lie colors unseen
within her eyes lies a story untold
behind her smile lies a joy that she can’t explain.
A joy that manages to push its way through the underlying ache
Even through the rampant war… her smile lingers on.
He tried and tried to steal her soul
Telling her that her eyes were cursed
Her lips where his
And her body was meant for the moments he created
She was told her voice was null
And she could void all her dreams
because she was meant for him
for nothing less
and nothing more
She was left emptied on an alter of humiliation and shame.
It’s time for her to look inside and put together the real me
It’s time for her to really know that all his words were murdering lies
and she was meant for so much more.
It’s time for her body to see the reflection in the mirror
and know that the eyes she sees carries a love for the brokenhearted
not for him to gaze into and make her feel dirty
And her lips are not cursed as he told her…
rather they are meant to give sweet kisses to her children
and speak out against injustice, to speak in courage,
and put to rest his control once and for all.
Her mind may have been tortured
but it’s time she claims power over the once dominant
And reminds herself that there has been a savior deep within her soul
Persevering her to be the women she is today.
She can laugh
She can sing
She can smile
She can dance
And he can’t tell her she’s any different than what she really is
Beautifully made to behold such a dream to make a difference and claim her name
The name he tried to bury with her innocence and dignity.
I am who I am.
Nothing less and nothing more
I laugh loud
I sing loud
I talk much
I smile at random beauty
and dance to the beautiful melody that lingers in my soul!
My mind is always on the go
I think with color and often put a song to everything I encounter
Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies
Inside her mind lies a raging war… damaging deceit against hidden truths
Inside her heart lies a sadness that she must tell this little girl what really happened long ago.
Yet, inside her soul lies a Savior who uniquely created a mind to change the world.
She has been preserved for a moment as such to share with the world who she was always meant to be!
~I think the words to this song have been in my soul long before it was written… One thing for sure I know is that it was Jesus who rescued me from the the dark sky and no matter how awful it got I could always sing to Jesus! This is the song that has lived in my heart for many years… and will till my final heart beat and until that day I will sing to Jesus and be who he has created me to be… His creative and beautiful Child… and I will believe that even if I doubt myself today…
My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
but that’s all I hear is the monsters resounding echoes…
telling me I’m stupid
telling me I’m his
Recovery begins
When you set fire to the lies
When you face the fear
And deny the power of his shaming voice.
Recovery begins
With each breath that is spoken
With each tear that wells up
With each memory penned in ink
All against the evilness of his quest….
My spirit fights in the storm
In search for the forgotten memories
Gathering what’s left
from the damning damage that he created…
all as I was mercilessly forced to endure in the confusion
and harbor a greater pain and relentless torture
of this man that had a dark fixation on my once innocent now bleeding heart.
I’m still listening for my Fathers voice…
Recovery begins
In opening up
In telling my sad story
My story of a girl who was stripped of her virtue
Stripped of her voice
And left forgotten in a world where no one noticed the damage being done
where the villain seemed to always win and the innocence of her small life was tossed into the summer wind.
Recovery begins
When I’m assured that I’m not alone
When I’m assured that I’m not stupid
That what he did was not my fault
And I’m not out of my mind
Whisper to me…
Take me away in the wind
Let me feel the presence of my redeemer…
Recovery begins with HIM!
Little girl I am freeing us today
I am putting voice to our sad story
Defeating the monster
Declaring our memories as is
And no one can take us down
My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
And this is what it’s saying…
He’s telling us we are not alone
That recover began at the cross
Recovery began then
And recovery begins now
It begins with the voice of Love
Recovery begins
When I release the grasp of the darkness
When I step out of the shadows
And let the light bring the reality
Of the sadness
Recovery begins
When I let the voice of the redeemer
be the only echoing voice with in.
Recovery begins when I let go of all I have been clinging to and
allow His healing hands to recover me from the ashes
and turn me into something beautiful.
~L
*I’ve never found a more perfect song to fit a post before. I hope you take the time to listen to this beautiful song by Firefight…. it is perfect! You would think that I wrote this post after I heard this song… yet I found it after as I was searching for a fitting song…. it was meant to be…
I went to a church service last night and this song that I posted below really hit me hard!!!! I cried so hard and about half way through the song I hit my knees… I could have cared less who was around…. It was just me and God and I lost it! The words to this song are so very powerful!!!!
“In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny!
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
is sinking sand”!
Too me that statement is so over used…. Kinda like love. How many times have you heard to let go and let God? Yet it is that phrase that seems to be keeping me from freaking out and thinking thee impossible. My first day here in Washington at treatment and I am beyound nervous! Keeping positive and fighting the negative voice that their is no way I can do this!
“Stay strong”, “let God fight for you…. ~L, you relax, and let your Maker carry you through”!
… If you have never listen to attached songs…. Listen to at least this one…. It’s perfection and my heart
This may be thee most ADHD post you will ever read in your life. So if you dare read on I commend you and thank you for taking the time to read my heart as I release it from within to my finger tips as they quickly type my heart.
The countdown is on. “should I stay or should I go now… if I won’t there might be trouble…. ” (old song that just popped in my head)
I am scheduled to fly to Washington State Saturday morning… and I get that “I NEED TO GO” but I swear the battle that is going on within is making it very difficult to step out in faith right now.
….okay it’s time that layla preaches what she knows and just maybe I can convince myself this time in all of what I know is truth.
I am God’s beloved! He is never ever ever going to leave me, send me back, or relax his love for me! I get that… but see I keep putting God in this box; like He’s not big enough to take care of this. How dare I think that God is not big enough to do this. SIGH!
In the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan He talks about “Justified Stress“? I am going to quote a few paragraphs:
But there’s that perplexing command: ” Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4) “Do not be anxious about anything” (v.6)
That came as a pretty staggering realization. But what I realized next was even more staggering. When I am consumed by problems – stressed out about my life, my family, and my job – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a “right to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.
Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.
Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.
Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? I find myself relearning this lesson often. Even though I glimpse God’s holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all. Yet, God does call us his beloved and cares about our brokenness…. we must trust that he is big enough to take care of whatever situation we are facing! Get God out of the box!
Okay now back to Layla’s ADHD world… are you ready?
It’s like this… and I am going to be very honest, real, blunt… I may even shock myself at what I may say…. sigh… here we go…
What i experienced at age 7 … all the confusion, all the pain and heartache of what my grandfather did to me was evil! That’s what it was. EVIL! (oh my… needing to puke) and you know what so what if i puke it out… I WANT IT OUT OF ME MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER EVER EVER KNOW!!!!! My physical body is experiencing WW3 and it’s a mess… and this little girl is very misunderstood and trapped! It’s hard to think of my kids going back to school and have this memory of the day before 6th grade… oh how do I put that into the light… how… how … how????
Okay… re -focus… and yes those of you know me… I just did what I did a few Sundays ago in front of you all on stage in front of 500 + people :) I just waved my hand out in a circle and out loud said “refocus, layla” Oh… that was embarrassing… especially when all of a sudden 3 hours later i said.. did i say that out loud… and my husband and a few friends said oh… yes… and it was great LOL moment… :) Whoa… bunny trail… shall i wave my hand in front of my face again;)
Okay where was I going with all this… so basically what I go out of those few paragraphs in Crazy love was this…. “Layla, BE STILL… remember my post about that… yeah… well I am not being still…. i am fighting God, who is thee creator of all and thinking he is not big enough to get me on a plane and expose the truth… which means taking it out of the darkness and putting it into the light and that is going to be the second hardest thing to actually the moments of being in it… so puke I might… cry… it must be done… remember the book the Velveteen rabbit.. how the bunny with his tear made the earth beneath him real…. that’s just it… that’s what needs be done… to make it real…
no one ever said real was beautiful… BUT I AM PRETTY SURE GOD TAKES ASHES AND TURNS THEM INTO BEAUTY. So if I am to truly have faith… I need to stop fighting my almighty God and surrender my anxious heart and FEAR…. I need to stop thinking MY GOD IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH! How dare I think that he is not bigger than my memories…. it’s hard… it’s inconceivable …. but my God is invincible and his love is relentless and I AM HIS BELOVED!
It was in one of Dr. Hamilton’s blogs that talked about “Believe. Behave. Be moved and I am sure he meant something other than what I got out of it, but this is what I got….
I am grateful for all who have put into action the love of Christ in helping me move beyond this once tragedy…. You behaved in His love and you are moved by His love… thus you teach me how to believe in His truth about myself and how to behave in HIS love and how to go forth in be moved by His love.
This has been my new motivation as I press on in the darkness. I must filter through what I believe and if it’s true. (Yes, I was hurt as a child, but I don’t want to believe in the lies that he tried to instill… well I’m working on that!!!!). With help from a very important person who does not give up on my stubbornness! I am learning to believe in what our Heavenly Father says. If I believe in the lies that “he” tried to instill in me as a child; then I will behave on those lies as an adult… and if I behave on those lies I will be moved by them. I DO NOT want to be moved by anything that has to do with those lies…. I want to believe in the love of our Maker and behave in that love and be moved by HIS love. It’s in these moments of “getting it” that I try to cling on to.
Believe in the Fathers love, Behave in the Fathers love, and BE moved in the Fathers love.
God has proven to me already that I can beat all odds… what makes me think I should stop now… (no one ever said it would not hurt, because it does more than one could ever know)!!!
Who knows… maybe someday I will be able to share with the world how God moved me.
~It’s a crazy love I tell ya!
~L’s Crazy love play list… I tell you you have to listen to these great songs!!!!
I love this chick…
“Your love never fails!!!!! Your love never never changes… their may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning light…. and when the oceans rage. I don’t have to be afraid because I know YOU ALWAYS LOVE ME :) You make ALL things work together for my good… “ Love this song!!!!!
…and he loves even me! The words to this song are so beautiful!
Nothing is greater than his love that holds our life together! Let this fire consume my life! Let Your love take me deeper and draw me closer to where you are!!!! I am forever humbled by the message of the cross! I will never be the same, Oh God! Your love is like fire, let it burn for all to see!
“Unbreakable” by Fireflight
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight Can’t face me in the light They’ll return butI’ll be stronger
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me
Sometimes it’s hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can’t see To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better
Forget the fear it’s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
Listen to this ‘rock’n song :) … but don’t say I didn’t warn ya…. it rocks:)
Lord, YOU SAID! Please come through for me tonight!
When everything falls apart by: ~Fee
You said
you’d never leave or forsake me
when you said,
this life is gonna shake me
you said
this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this I know
Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you’re the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on
when I see
darkness all around me
when I see
that tragedy has found me
I still believe
your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know
Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you’re the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on
Bridge: Sorrow will last for the night
but hope is rising with the sun
(it’s rising with the sun)
there will be storms in this life
but I know you will overcome
but I know you will overcome
Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
your the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
Chorus:
when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you’re the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on
Why do you keep holding on to me? I don’t understand at the moment! I don’t want any more moments to understand. My soul is tired and my mind is on overload…. and that’s all I want is for the world to stop reminding me how awful it was to have my innocence stolen and my mind tortured so….
I am not a fighter tonight. I have nothing left to give…
The world is full of broken people. The world is full of sadness. My question to myself is why do I care so much about the broken world. Why am I so passionate to make a difference in the lives of broken people, when I myself am so very broken? So… I understand this concept of putting the oxygen mask on myself first before I can help the person next to me. And I’m doing that. … so I suppose the reason for writing this post is to 1.) To remind myself why I am the way I am… (passionate) and 2) To let all you who are readers know my heart.
So are you ready for my heart to overflow in A.D.D. style? … cause that’s what it’s going to be…
I think I tend reach out to brokenness; I want to help those who hurt… it’s so hard to see broken souls, sad eyes, smile-less faces. I understand that my passions aren’t going to make me rich. I know at times it tires me out. Yet, how can I not do what God has designed me to do. I love God and I love His people… Is that not what it’s all about? Knowing God and making Him known?
So I tell myself, “L, get a grip! You’re so broken right now and maybe you’re being a little over dramatic… stop wearing your heart on your sleeve… the world is broken and it’s going to stay broken. ” Is it wrong for me to be so passionate… am I not balanced well? Is this not healthy? Well I am not sure on all of that… Yes, I need to make sure I am loving myself and taking care of me first, I am healing from a past that created broken me. So, great… I’m working on that.
So… waiting tables will never make me rich; BUT I get to connect with the lost, be a light, make someone smile, listen to people, care, and respond to brokenness… it’s all around me. And working at church… well that’s never going to buy my dream house or be able to shop like I want to:) BUT How amazing is it to pray at work, to sing at work, to love teens and build relationships with kids who are lost “broken” … I love to love… now trust… that I am very careful about… and for good reasons… but loving is something that I can do.
What about my enemies… can I love them… are they not broken? (sigh) I must admit, Where I’m at in life, this is hard. Forgiveness is an issue in a few areas… but in this weird way… I still want that brokenness to heal for them too… I just don’t want anything to do with it… and again, I think it’s for good reasons.
Whooh… are ya still with me? (I think my Aderoll has kicked in… or it’s wearing off and now you get the best of me:)
… round 2
I refuse to let the abuse define me… take over… cloud my thinking!!! I will not let him win… IF he could only see who I am… that I never lost my love… that my passions are used to glorify Jesus and he can’t stop that burning desire I have to live a life full of hope,faith, and LOVE… just to live. I am crazy in love with my Jesus and NO ONE can take that away from me!
Yes, I may walk throughout the valley of shadow of death… but i will fear no evil for my God is with me. And yes, life can get hard and flat out depressing. BUT, “hold heart my child I have come to rescue the broken” The Beatles state it well, “And when the brokenhearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer, let it be.” Jesus stated it better” “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” And what is the world… What does the news tell us… what do we see daily; the world is broken… and he tells us to take heart! He has overcome the brokenness“
If you’re still with me after all that rambling… than what I am trying to say is that I think I know who I am… and that’s a blessing to me tonight because I’ve been searching for a long time now… and it’s good to be me… THE REAL ME.
Let it be? or Be? I am going to BE…
I know that there is healing in HIS name.
That the brokenness is heal-able!
So… when we’re falling apart
barley breathing….
with a broken heart…
there is still meaning in the pain…
there is still healing in HIS name…
there is still meaning… so hold on…. He has come to overcome the world… hang on another day… it will be okay.
The brokenness won’t last forever.
We have not lost our way.
…and I have not forgotten my way home!
This is my prayer, a song that has been repeated about 50 times this week. The words to this song are so beautiful and powerful… I highlighted my favorite lines. I know that God is working in me. I may not always see the light, it’s hard when you are trapped in a dark moment…. remembering has been harder than I could ever imagine… in fact if I knew it was going to be this hard I would have never started. I feel stuck in the middle of this storm and I’m not sure how God is going to save me from this. I want to to stop but I feel like their is equal distance from the finish line to the start line. (It’s a very scary place to be!) HE sure did rescuer me from the raging sea a few days ago. I thought for sure I was being swallowed whole from the most treacherous waves. When all my hope expired… My God intervened and was HOPE for me.
The Greatness of our God,
-Hillsong
Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold, still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known
And break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I’m far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.
Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear.
That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I’m far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.
And there is nothing
That can ever separate us.
There is nothing that can ever
separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.
And no words can say, or song convey,
all You are the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know,
And I’m far from close
to all You are,
the greatness of our God.
You know it is amazing how music can pick me out of the deepest of darkness! God is extremely amazing how he can use music to touch our hearts. I want to share a very beautiful song with you all! I hope you pass it on and share it with anyone you know that is struggling with hard times or depression. I don’t feel like writing much:) I am snuggling up with my little “butterfly” who just got home from her dad’s :) Enjoy the song:)
What a slumber
Muted thunder
The day falls like a ghost
and you are tossed
and lost
and chosen
_____________
Storms rage
Hope dies
and you have been swallowed
by a sea of unwanted memories
_____________
Flashes of past
from young and old
Clouds overhead
homing dark demons whom thirston your weakness
_____________
One more prayer
to an apparently sleeping heaven
_____________
How much longer must I pray
How much longer must I wait
…wait to hear from You.
~L
Is it really possible for one to just sleep ALL day long???
I feel so inadequate for life…. out of the hundred things I do in a day, i maybe do 3 things right.
What is the point???????
SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!
If you only knew my thoughts…..
My famous words have been “I just need to get through this quick… I don’t have time to feel this way”
I have to stop saying this and just know that there is a HOPE and His name is Jesus:)
One of my favorite posts that I read from someone’s blog was about dealing with the all the layers in our life. I asked him this question: “ How do you not get stuck in a layer… or how do you stay on the last one”? Is it ok to forget one exists?
His response was this: “I think the key is accepting that they are all there – understanding that life is designed to be that way. Remembering that God is present in every layer and knows about each one.”
How true that is! God sees us through all the layers of our lives, why do we put masks on cretin layers. We tend to try going through the motions as quickly as possible. “ Well, that is what I have been doing for a while now. First I tend to hide them…. even from God. And second if I do accept a layer that is hard to deal with, I want to quickly go past it… that is not how it works…. Slowing down and doing it right this time is going to be important for me to grasp….
I try and escape to a place of comfort and hope… as QUICKLY as possible! And a lot of times that is not running to God for hope and comfort… so all those temporary fixes…. yah… not going to do the trick… they are only going to last so long till the next “worldly” thing that makes it feel better…. We all have them… the things that makes the hurt go away for awhile… our yummy chocolate, TV, food, alcohol… whatever it may be, we all have our own addictions. I want to be addicted to TRUTH… HIS Truth… HIS Love, HIS HOPE! This world does not hold the hope I need. It is in Him that the world needs to seek their HOPE.
~L
** please take the time to listen to the song I attached, it is so worth the 4 minuets!
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
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it swells then crashes down on top of anyone and anything lying in it’s path and burns and turns to ash inside a hollow chest where blood boils and rushes and beats and… Read More →
I will be taking a break from my blogging probably until sometime in the fall. I want to be able to put my effort into writing of another sort. Thank you all for reading and commenting. So until that next post I wish you all the best. - dh
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Our instinct for self-preservation is strong and seemingly automatic. And yet… And yet… There are times when even a creature wired for self-preservation can contemplate suicide. I want to die. I wish I were dead. I’d be better off dead. Then what? I should tell you that if you are currently feeling like dying, you [...]
Inside this body lies a little girl whose beauty was tainted by dark disturbing lies.
It’s time for her to look inside and put together the real me
