Tag Archives: music

Take It All Away – (another video poem)

So I’m not sure why I spend hours and hours putting these videos together but can’t seem to find the words to write anymore.  This is just another way to let my subconscious scream the pain I suppose…..  So here it is…. another video I made with a thousand secrets woven throughout.

~L

It’s a train wreck in my mind. Devastation floods. However… total devastation has not severed my soul.

We sang the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul as a closing song in church today. If you remember a while back about the journal entry I wrote, I had shared how special this song was for me growing up as a little girl – you might imagine it was an emotional moment for me today.

I sang this song many, many times in my soul; guarding it from the evil that was surrounding my body and mind during so many moments of the blah blah blah moments of abuse as a child.

I tried so hard not to cry, but tears welled up in my eyes… I’m pretty sure they came from the deepest part of my being. The added line as a new twist to the song really hit me hard, It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul. I almost felt like falling to my knees. I felt such a rush of memories of countless times as a child singing this song while enduring the evil acts of such dark men.
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If you could, hold on for just a bit.

I am not sure how long yet, but I think it’s best if I take a break from posting new writes for for a bit.  I will still read when I can from my subscribers blog.

I am under an extreme amount of pressure and situational struggles that need my  attention.  It’s hard to make this decision because it is you, my readers who are very encouraging and affirming.  I appreciate each one of you and I’m very grateful for the kindness you have shown me.

I don’t know how long it will be?  …perhaps a week, two… or maybe a poem once every other week. (…through one up there for a Free Write Friday and just let it be, with out the pressure of the ‘rules’ of poetry.  Of course those rules are mostly my own set of standers and perhaps ridicules ones – but none the least… I allow it to suck me in to play the role of pressuring me to ‘do it just so’)

I will still be writing (always), yet for now it will be with pen and paper (and a sore hand) ;) Feel free to read previous posts and share your thoughts if you feel so led :) I just edited five posts that explain my story as best as it could be shared… so much that I even learned about myself re-reading them today… and you know you’re going through a slump when that happens.

You can catch up there or wherever when you want to. When your comments come across my phone throughout the day, they always give me a warm feeling that someone is caring at the moment enough to take the time to share their thoughts about reading something I wrote from my heart.
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My Present Hour of Darkness

My Present Hour of Darkness
By: ~L

Pages and Pages
From all stages
From the small ages
To present as it engages

Left untreated
Secreted
uncompleted

Title a moment.
-pain
Title several moments.
-Inhumane

Leave me untitled
and call me Jane

There’s nothing left to explain
Nothing remains
It’s all in-vain
Everything remains…

.It’s vulgarly insane!

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if you want to listen to ~L read poem…

if you want all of my heart….

~My Right Brain~

When I can’t find the words to verbalize
I capture it behind a camera that implies
Paint you a color to realize
Give you a song to reprise
and though it’s not direct, I have generalized
The story within my eyes

If the saying is true
that a picture is worth a thousand words
Then this is just another way to construe
And the saying let my words be few
Is just another point of view

It would leave many of you with a chill
To know those thousand words in one still
It would pull back the clouded vision
From the ones who think they understand the drill!
Perhaps then some would discern
they truly haven’t been displaying a goodwill.

~L

That's A Bright Idea...

I wonder what would happen If I literally combined all the colors , pictures and songs in a container shook it all up; As this container of such is like my mind’s retainer of all the memories that have been unspoken. Many of them hold far too many words to sift through grammar and logic… how it will sound and what memory should be first. When your mind is stacked with untitled moment after untitled moment… you can’t just put your mind on pause and choose one. In this very visual right brain idea; I think this is the ticket to overcoming the overwhelming anxiety of speaking a loud what had seemed to have been the unspeakable. So in courage I would place all these untitled moments in front of me… I shall reach my hand in and randomly take out a memory and then with valor speak the words to the pain of the very moment that I hold in my hands.

I am choosing to free the memories as hard as it, to grieve what was never allowed, to receive love that was never given and feel safe where it was never provided. The freedom to breath and realize their hands aren’t really there, their voices are just haunting lies and then to know it’s now just a memory.

I don’t have to feel the power of their lies anymore… I will feel the emotions and sensations as I speak what was once denied… grieve the many losses …then stamp ‘titled’ on a long-awaited memory that I now choose to be part of who I am; another layer; another moment titled and another that no longer has power over me. So here it is… all my inconspicuous ways of saying the unsaid with pictures, music, and creative poems that hide a deeper meaning; One by one titling all the untitled moments in my life… the only way that feels right.

The key to unlocking this box for me is feeling safe and support as I struggle to feel very alone in this aftermath of untitled moments scattered all around. ..so one by one…(sigh) I get it… this will leave me standing on a solid ground; with what once was ashes will soon be turning into something beautiful.

I think it’s important we don’t forget what makes us-us.  We can heal using the way God uniquely desighned us to be.  For me it’s living in a music box, swimming in an ocean of color and rhythmic words, and standing under a rainbow of captured stills that tell my story; rain and shine.

Be you… always… even in the pain, never stop believing in who God made you to be.

For ‘UncertainMe and all Her AmbiguousValues”

(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear

Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved

Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted

Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms

We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted
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Healing Rain

This song has always been a favorite.  It spoke to me as it started raining  this past July…  I just had to go out and “be washed in Heaven’s rain” (emotional)   …”to stand in Summer’s rain. I will never forget this moment.  It was a healing moment for my soul.  I was blessed enough that it was all captured behind a camera!  This video is what I like to call ‘Video Poetry’.  Words could not describe what that moment was… so here is my moment for you in the form of ‘Video Poetry’.

Healing Rain

                         By: ~L

Most Pictures were taken by my Step-daughter and some myself.  Hope you enjoyed ;)

Love Come

(lyrics posted underneath)

This song means a few different things on a few different levels.  To me this is a prayer and a soul crying out for a human touch too….  Also a response from what I believe God wanted me to here.  This is not a religious song per-say, but too me it touched me in that way. I bold-ed what I would like to think God said to me in this song.  The rest of the words are very much my heart at this moment in time…

thanks for listening!!!

Love Come By: Sarah McLachlan

Love come light up the shadows
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch
A long and lonely time
I’ve seen much more than I want to
So much anger so much pain
A line is drawn and lives are torn apart
The wounds too hard to hear

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace
I could hold up as true
I never knew anything about love before you

You call and I come running 
I can sense the flood before it breaks 
And I’d do anything to dry your tears 
To let you know you’re safe 

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace
I could hold up as true
I never know anything about love before you

Love come light up the shadows !!!!
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch
A long and lonely time

~I can’t listen to this song with out feeling so much emotion… tears are just the reactions I suppose. 

Restoration

I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.

I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.

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keep singing

The clouds are thick. The rain is pouring. My feet are sunk into cement. I stand in this darkness unable to move.

Sometimes all I can do is keep singing even if just a hum comes out…. it has been my longest coping skill from the moment I could talk. I honestly don’t have many words… sometimes it’s just a melody with no lyrics.

I sense the feeling that depressing is on the rise. I am in need of someone to hold me. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t want to figure it out. I don’t want to understand tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I will make it through. I will make it through.

Sometimes it’s ‘family’ that is more important than therapy. Sometime one just needs the simplicity of support without judgment or restriction… or even opinions… just love. I would run back home tomorrow if I knew they would take this broken girl back with out condemning her, restricting who she is… I need to live the only way i know how… I need to keep singing.

I am learning that home is in my soul. That perhaps the only one to hold me through the dark and nightmare filled nights is my God. I’m so ridiculously human that I still crave a warm touch to show me I’m still alive and worth the love.

(too many tears) Why did you take what was not yours to take? That stated question pertains in various levels to various people. Some took my sense of safety. Some took my body. Some took what only God should be allowed to remove. Some took my passions…. and again I say, “you can take the passion away from the girl but you can’t take the passion out of the girl” … not this one at least… not this one.  Temporally stealing away my right to be me is just as bad as temporally suffocating one… temporally is too long to not breath they way she breaths.  I need to keep singing.

I ‘gotta keep singing… that’s the only way that I find healing…

Giving it a break… and it’s okay

As spring is nearing and I begin to feel a sense of a new direction in my life. I think I am going to spend my moments enjoying the short-lived warm and beautiful whether we have in the north. So, for all the time I spend writing posts I am going to exchange them for moments of outside time; beaches, zoo, park, and walks.  The hours that I spend at night staring at a computer screen is going to be replaced with an early bedtime and reading some books.

I suppose a part of me feels loss and sadness… but the other feels freeing to just take a break and enjoy the short-lived moments of spring and summer to the fullest with my girls. I think it’s a new chapter in my life; a necessary one.
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Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part II)

If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.

There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?

I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now!
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I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.

Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.

I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126

So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)

...no more pain

This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?

This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!

Love. I think I CAN give it another shot…

I have doubted love
I have fought its existence
I wanted to run away from it
It hurt too much to fear the loss of love

Even though I never doubted that it once was love
I couldn’t understand why love was so heroically given
and then so easy covered under fear
Though I never doubted that it once was…. or even still is…
I now doubt that it wasn’t what it seemed to be

People have forced it into hiding
It hasn’t been fair to the ones that did valiantly give
Rules of LOVE are meant to protect, sustain and never fail

Life is not black and white
There is much gray
We don’t know what should be the way

When love has to protect the deepest loves
Sometimes love has to be put on hold
To love in the order that is meant to be
This I understand

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‘you’re beautiful’

A friend sent me this song and has been on repeat a lot the past few days. As I listen to these are some of my own words that come to mind

beautiful was tainted by ugliness
innocence taken from evilness
hope hidden because of fearfulness
confidence stripped to nothingness

today i take back beautiful
i take back her innocence
hope is hidden no longer
confidence is being re built

I am beautiful
not because you tell me
but because God made me so.
Beautiful.
~L
(these words are nothing with out this song. I hope you can take the time to listen to this amazing song)

Still here

It’s hard to explain how I’m feeling.
They’re days where feeling is a mystery
Where you seem to believe that
what you feel is simply is too distant
to truly be able to grasp what it is

You feel like you don’t belong
Like even your own emotions are too disengaged
With reality… Or perhaps
Reality is too oblivious to what is truly going on.

A mystery?
Denial?
A loss of connection?
Hopelessness?

I’m still here
Breathing
Fighting for another day
To be
In this mystery
The mystery of me
For another day
I’m here

I’m trusting… So please don’t let go of me….

80/365

… such good lyrics… make sure you listen to the song attached at the end:)

Don’t know where to begin
Its like my world’s caving in
And I try but I can’t control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You
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I must be dreaming?

Conversations between me and the little girl dying to be set free… And a few words to God and the world.

Gallery

Breath no more…

This gallery contains 7 photos.

who’s counting anyways…

312 hits on my blog today. Wow??? In the blogging world that’s an amazing day.  I should be excited?? …that, I am not.  My heart is broken and that’s all I can think about is how is it that i have become all alone in pain with so much anger inside.  Why is it that the world could read this crazy girls blog so much today but people that knew i have been hurting so long can just live their lives like I don’t have value to them anymore? I guess my expectations for my friendship was to great?  please blogging world help me out… please tell me if I am not making sense.  This is what I expected from them, the friends that have been my family for 10 years.
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the light meets the dark

Here I am
As I am
Breathing in one breath at a time
and holding my breath through the scary moments
As darkness tries to take over…
I will push through
one breath at a time
one heart-aching moment at a time
as the light meets the dark

Here is where is the healing begins
Each moment from here on out I will claim as is
I’m sure I will fall
I will cry
I may scream
I may crash
Break a few things
Shout the hate
collapse in agony!
as the light meets the dark
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