I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin
I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!
My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak
Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail
This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME
I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness
How do I care enough about this moment to not worry about the next?
Because a next moment makes me think….this moment needs to make sure that next moment does not come. And sometimes everyone’s answers of how to fix that… it’s not as easy as what it sounds… and I don’t expect one to understand; for they can only understand what they know.
Desperation… Desperation will make you do the unthinkable. It is easy for one to judge another and say “I would never… ” but the truth is, you have no idea what you might be willing to do until you are there. When you’re eye to eye with desperation, when your body is broken and your mind divided, you will do exactly what you must to survive…
A death of the spirit is worse than a death of the body.
I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow
Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief
(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear
Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved
Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted
Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms
We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted Continue reading →
Trust and grief can coincide.
It is still awful.
Trust does not make the pain go away.
TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE.
HOPE sees BEYOND the pain.
Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.
(heard something like this
a few months ago
from a really good
church service)
____________________________________
…………….. I AM ……………
… trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain
** This pertains to many different times in my life.. but mostly 6 months ago to present...and how some can't see past my "scarlet letter now" This is my testimonie of this situation in my life. This is not in anger or bitterness... this is my story... my story starting with a verse from Luke, Chapter 10
One occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
Yet he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
Here is my loose translation of this passage found In Luke 1o:25-37
A girl was going down a life’s journey when she was attacked by various abusers for many years. They stripped of her cloths and innocence; beat her and went away leaving her half dead. After yet another heartbreaking event she became weary and sick…. She went for help and was abandoned by a place that said they would take care of her; left on the side of the road helpless and alone.
The Church happened to be going down the same road and when they saw this girl , they passed by on the other side. They left her knowing she curled up broken on the ground and most were much too busy to help her. Much to concerned about her wrongs rather then her her broken-es…
So too, many friends, when they came to the place and saw her, passed by on the other side. Giving a few kind words but not offering to her the support and help she needed… just words as she lied there half dead. But a Stranger, not one of her own, had traveled by, came where the girl was; and when they saw her, they took pity on her. They went to her and bandaged her wounds, feed her, prayed with her; loved her with the love of God. They gave her a place to stay and took care of her despite the sacrifice that could and would come because they chose to be obedient to the greatest commandment; LOVE.
As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!
? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how? How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul? Do you know what you are asking of me at times? Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?
Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.
How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?
How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.
There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.
Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips. We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.
They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.
Remember, you’re (we’re) tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?
We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.
No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)
It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul“
To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;)
a quick history to this song…. it is heartbreaking beautiful! A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found…. it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”
I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could have sunk into that floor.
To break logic and science and fall through solid matter as if it were sky.
I am sure I have prayed over a thousand times
That I could simply disappear into the ground that I laid upon.
Reality is…it was a cold hard floor that met my back
And as much as I would have liked to disappear beneath that foundation…
It never happened
The weight of their evil reminded my spine that this ugly truth
would only take something mystical to free me from this oppression
My skin…
It never forgets the temperature
Nor the grainy dirt that created friction between cement and body
My sense of smell…
It never forgets the affluent scent of fear,
Or the smell of cigarette smoke, sweat, and earth
My tongue…
It never forgets the taste of silenced words
or the mysterious metallic-like, nameless trace left residing in my mouth
My eyes…
They now seem unprotected once evil has been burned into my mind
The sight of his sadistic eyes and devilish smirk
It’s as if I were his heaven
And he was my eternal hell
My ears…
They hear the resounding lies as they echo in my mind
The sound of my heart beating,
The inner voice in my soul
And constant ringing of a phone
My spirit…
Lies broken once again
Hanging on to threads of truth
As it begs… begs heaven to break the rules just this once!
The cement, once again cradled this broken, naked, and humiliated body
Their obsessions seem to continue coming back to finish
I again tried breaking logic and reasoning with Mother Nature
Hoping that just maybe this time I would sink into the bed of mercy
I now lay night after night alone
I’m afraid to close my eyes
Every time I do the movie trailer of events
re-torture what is left of my mind
And again I lay here trying to rationalize with science and logic
Attempting to fall deeper and deeper into this bed
My skin can’t bear to connect with resistance
I seek a supernatural experience
A bottomless resting place for my back to lie
With hopes that just this once
I would be allotted to fall into protection
This time, tonight as I timidly lay my head to rest
I gently close my eyes, rest my hand lightly on my face
And envision it’s the safety of a protector.
As I fall deep into my bed
It’s as if I truly have become weightless tonight
I listen for your voice
And it comes
Without this image of shelter
All I would feel are the unwanted hands
I then fan the flame of imagination
Envisioning falling into a limitless bed of safety
It is in this reflection of this security
Where the whispers of relentless lies vanish
No visions of haunting eyes
The taste of terror is now disposed
…All in this seemingly simple voyage
Into a simple hand of shelter
Resting on my face
Keep me safe in the darkness
As shadows rise
and memories begin to flood my eyes
Won’t you come?
Let the safety of your hand
resting on my shoulder bring comfort
It is needed much
I wish for a gentle touch
Alone this is too much to confront
Won’t you come?
I just can't be alone with my eyes are closed
When I close my eyes
The movie trailer becomes
And all I want to do is die
As the many awful memories
Are behind each and every sigh
I am not sure I can do this alone
This hurt is too hard on my own
Won’t you come? Continue reading →
Freely written at 10pm. No need for me to re read my heart… this is the real deal… no proof reading tonight… what you see is what you get)
As Much as I want to finish this and tell you the storm has passed and I see sunshine… All I have right now is a rainbow… a rainbow to tell me that someday this too shall pass and you can be alive the way my God has planed for me to be. I had a beautiful way to end this serious (if that what you want to call it?) I’m a bit weary at the moment and it would be a lie for me to finish what needs to be said… so soon I will but not today.
I am not going to bring the sunshine to you today when it’s not shinning. I know it’s still behind those clouds… so hope is still present, but honestly these last three posts have taken a huge tole on me. I have had to remember a lot and mourn much in a short time with no comfort or anyone to hold me as the tears fall and my body feels the pain of all the yesterdays. As I type this right now I think how very far I am from ‘home’.
Depression is depression… that is the season I am in right now. A season where the memories for the past year have flipped my life upside down and sent me into a shock. I HAVE NOT DIED… I AM NOT YET DEAD! I am just depressed and SUFFERING from a very VERY difficult past. I am ALIVE and I’m going to live my life the way.
I have fought and fought… took some breaks… fought and fought. I am closer to where I was yesterday… but these last miles one runs are the hardest… your tired, thirsty,and you just want it to be done. This has been a long marathon and these last miles are not to be mistaken as ‘almost done’ they need to be understood as ‘please please hold me up when I fall, please please encourage me to the finish line, please please please coach me in what is best to make it, please please if I fall come pick me up and finish the race with me…. Desperation is a funny thing… it really humbles you enough to say, “I need help”.
I AM NOT YET DEAD… I am going to live today… and tomorrow and the next and the next… I am worth the fight… because I have value … my God tells me so… so “don’t bury me… I’m not yet dead”!!!
Thank you for coming along with me on this long marathon! Thank you for your words of hope… it’s been like a shot of Gatorade for me. And for those that have prayed… it’s been like you snuck me in a 5 hour energy drink ;) I am very thankful for your prayers and support! You have no idea how that make me feel… So… for all of that I am thank you… it’s very humbling to have one read your broken heart… it’s not a fun nor a great read… but the words of hope from you and times when one can relate bring a sense of understanding why I keep writing and it truly is humbling.
I’m not yet dead! Great song ;) My fight song today… :) I still got some rock left in me ;)
If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.
There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?
I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now! . .
I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.
Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.
I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126
So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)
...no more pain
This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?
This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!
312 hits on my blog today. Wow??? In the blogging world that’s an amazing day. I should be excited?? …that, I am not. My heart is broken and that’s all I can think about is how is it that i have become all alone in pain with so much anger inside. Why is it that the world could read this crazy girls blog so much today but people that knew i have been hurting so long can just live their lives like I don’t have value to them anymore? I guess my expectations for my friendship was to great? please blogging world help me out… please tell me if I am not making sense. This is what I expected from them, the friends that have been my family for 10 years. Continue reading →
As I sit here un-showered for three days now, I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions that lay within even matter? I question because there is a real world that is going on and I’m just pathetically stuck watching out my one-way mirror while I hide in the shame and fear of too many regrets. I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.
Depression feels like a tremendous amount of pain that has crawled deep with in your muscles as it weights your shoulders down and then wraps itself around your neck and into your head. Its close friend, anxiety lurks in to take a turn; it grabs your chest and with its burning hands it squeezes any remaining comfort right out of you. It begins to hurt just to breathe… thus you battle that pain and breathe shallow, thinking your now, panicked heart, won’t hurt so bad if you don’t breath so much. Your soul becomes heavy, weighted down by the hopelessness and only because hopelessness has proven itself true over time, doubt begins to grow and your faith becomes starved. You now sink further into the grasp of this persistent darkness; depression has taken up residence and feels it is here to stay. Continue reading →
Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world isn’t getting any better
The more we try to get
closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne
I’ve spent so many nights wondering when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I’m running the race but it seems too hard to win
I’m sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning
I’m calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart’s been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home
The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can’t take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left Continue reading →
My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
but that’s all I hear is the monsters resounding echoes…
telling me I’m stupid
telling me I’m his
Recovery begins
When you set fire to the lies
When you face the fear
And deny the power of his shaming voice.
Recovery begins
With each breath that is spoken
With each tear that wells up
With each memory penned in ink
All against the evilness of his quest….
My spirit fights in the storm
In search for the forgotten memories
Gathering what’s left
from the damning damage that he created…
all as I was mercilessly forced to endure in the confusion
and harbor a greater pain and relentless torture
of this man that had a dark fixation on my once innocent now bleeding heart.
I’m still listening for my Fathers voice…
Recovery begins
In opening up
In telling my sad story
My story of a girl who was stripped of her virtue
Stripped of her voice
And left forgotten in a world where no one noticed the damage being done
where the villain seemed to always win and the innocence of her small life was tossed into the summer wind.
Recovery begins
When I’m assured that I’m not alone
When I’m assured that I’m not stupid
That what he did was not my fault
And I’m not out of my mind
Whisper to me…
Take me away in the wind
Let me feel the presence of my redeemer…
Recovery begins with HIM!
Little girl I am freeing us today
I am putting voice to our sad story
Defeating the monster
Declaring our memories as is
And no one can take us down
My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
And this is what it’s saying…
He’s telling us we are not alone
That recover began at the cross
Recovery began then
And recovery begins now
It begins with the voice of Love
Recovery begins
When I release the grasp of the darkness
When I step out of the shadows
And let the light bring the reality
Of the sadness
Recovery begins
When I let the voice of the redeemer
be the only echoing voice with in.
Recovery begins when I let go of all I have been clinging to and
allow His healing hands to recover me from the ashes
and turn me into something beautiful.
~L
*I’ve never found a more perfect song to fit a post before. I hope you take the time to listen to this beautiful song by Firefight…. it is perfect! You would think that I wrote this post after I heard this song… yet I found it after as I was searching for a fitting song…. it was meant to be…
Okay… whoever reads this blog must know by now that it’s been a battle between the world that I presently live in and the dark world I grew up as a child. This past week has been very emotional for me. As I am currently trying to make the right decision of what I should do. My therapist wants me to go to a program for people who have gone through what I have and have good doctors to help me move forward. Sigh!!!!! This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I feel as if the weight of this past world is crashing in on me. New memories flood my mind often and sometimes I can manage through them and sometimes I get so sick that if their was anything in my stomach it just comes back up. Gross I know.
So here I am stuck in a moment like the great U2 song says. I feel lost in what I should do, I feel lost in the memories that haunt my soul. I can’t wait for church tomorrow… I need to a joy charge.. I hope I find it. My ADHD mind is beyond lacking focus. I am sure I am not making any sense.
What to do… what to do….
oh… can’t this decisions just be easier… I think it’s owed to me for it to be more simpler than this! Does anyone realize how tired and weak I am. Can someone take over and make these decisions for me?
my heart hurts
and and breaks for not knowing what it would have been like to turn 8 and blow out my candles and wonder if i would have to go “get ice cream” again.
It breaks thinking about how much I wish I could go back to the time I was 6 and everything was normal… where i didn’t have to worry about if “he” was going to come into my room and wake me up out of my dreams… the dreams i wish I could have again.
My soul it’s heavy… it wonders if this little girl will ever come out and help heal this adult…. or if this adult can some how convey to this little girl that it’s now safe to tell her sad sad story…
my mind is weary from the painful memories that keep flooding into present time.
I remember the time when my dad would come into my room and sit on the edge of my bed and play his guitar for me… and i would say again, and again… just one more time daddy… don’t leave…
I never wanted him to leave because i knew that if he would stay i would be okay. Why didn’t he know? Why did he have to drink? And why did he have to work so much… I want to go back and time and tell my dad to come with me to get ice cream… to come with me and keep me safe…
I am dieing inside… i can’t find the will to breath anymore… i feel a painful numb… is that possible to feel both; well i do, so i guess so… i don’t feel anger anymore… i just feel hopeless and out of reach… i just want this heartache to stop… to go away… how do i make this heartache go away… i feel so alone…
i feel like my whole life has been a lie. I don’t know who i really am. Who i could have become…. what would it have been like to own my own body, my own emotions, my own mind…. my own mind… I wish I could have floated away in his balloons. But all I felt was dead – no more colors just dead.
if the world could just for one moment stop reminding me of that little girl… maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad… i just want to run away… or fly away… and just be me and let the world still move with out me feeling the need to be present in it…
I feel like if the ones i love could tell me it’s okay to go get the help i need i could go heal and let it all come pouring out without having to feel the load of all these responsibilities. Just tell me to go… and i will go… but if you don’t tell me than i can’t… i need to rest… i don’t what to do anymore…
What to do you do when you feel that hope has run it’s course. Did I miss my chance. Is it really gone, am I too late? Right now I feel that hope has died and there is nothing left inside. How do you find the will to keep on this long forgotten road when hope does not shed it’s needed light. I’m breathing, praying… nothing seems to help at the moment. Will this moment fade or will it progress into something I can not handle with out that hope?
I feel like tapping out… doing something reckless…
Buying my favorite Moscato and toasting to the darkness
… the darkness that won’t leave my mind at peace.
… the darkness that is too acquainted with my dying soul.
Oh, Lord I have cried out from the very depths of my soul
Can you not hear me? Why Oh, Lord is this so hard.
Can’t I go back to that place I use to be
the place where I could laugh with him
the place where darkness could not find me
Why would you protect my mind than and not now?
Oh, Lord Please come rescue me from the hopelessness of this battle.
I am surrounded by these memories of evil
his evil voice rings in my heart
She wants to speak out loud, stand up to that monster.
he, the monster, has gripped her voice and placed a lingering curse on speaking out.
Free her, release her from with in.
I don’t want to own those awful moments anymore.
Take what should have never been given
or give back what should have never been taken.
One more sip
One more numbing swallow
Mother, I now see how easy it was for you to hide your secrets the way you did.
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
There’s a solemn stillness to the dawn. Hovering above the slumber of life, with grand expectation for the waking dreamer to take his hand. To wander in search of purpose. To claim the dreams that falter and fade with the sunrise. Before they are lost inside the blemished haze of living.
I logged into Twitter one day and I was welcomed with notifications alerting me that some of my tweets/quotes had been re-tweeted and faved. Which, of course, always makes me smile. But to my surprise, I found that the person who was enjoying my tweets was Beth Albright. Instantly, I click on her profile to […]
Welcome to Free Write Friday. If you are new here, feel free to read the intro. Otherwise, let’s get started. Here is your FWF prompt… I stumbled across the amazing photography of Tom Clark, whose website is filled with emotional images. I said I was going to choose one for the prompt this week, but […]
I want you to stop what you’re doing. Sit down and really listen to me. Turn off the music. Shut the door. Go in another room. Get away from people. Whatever you have to do. Okay? I have your attention? I know you feel like there are parts of you that are broken, crushed, can’t […]
You have people who believe in you. True, some have misunderstood you, even hurt you. But you have people who believe in you. What do they see? What is the picture they have of you? I know you have your own picture of yourself but my guess is that the injuries have distorted that a […]
Everything that goes wrong, every irritation, gets a hotline right to your emotions. They all feel like great candidates to be the “last straw.” And now this? On top of everything else?! Those words that you use as you place it on top of your heap, as you think about the injustice, the irony, the […]
I want to scream aloud
All as I am drug across another day
