Tag Archives: help

Silent Secret Screams

 Silent Secret Screams

I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin

I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!

My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak

Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail

This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the  forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME

I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness

In desperation,
~L

…It’s Déjà Vu, Isn’t it?

…It’s Deja Vu, Isn’t it?
By: ~L

You’re on the other side of this wall, aren’t you?
It doesn’t matter how thick… it’s extent
I still feel your green eyes penetrating through
Weaving around double-crossing re-rod
Wondering, can they ever be bent?
Her quite prayer’s to God…
Have they already been spent?

The cold air has left the feeling of déjà-vu
Is it you in the air…
or is it my guilt and its crew?
True or false
I feel it though
And whoa!
Don’t they think they’re the boss!

.

I’m worn-out with all the trying
Trying to let me let you speak
Here I leave you stuck in poetry and pros
Writing on pages, Dear Diary…
then keeping you closed
It’s not effective, I know

I want to scream you out
I want for you
to believe your words can be heard
That you have that right to title your secrets
I just keep striking out
My word!
My voice is incredibly slurred!

I’m afraid I’m not brave
I’m terrified
Shame – a title wave
Fear- classified
Maybe it’s not always a blessing we survived?
Just maybe it would’ve been  better to title a grave
Others judge what they see?
Yet, I’m the one living with she

There are places in this mind,
that I have never been able to find
That is where you lie, isn’t it?
In such pain confined
You’re trapped there, aren’t’ you?

.

You speak to me in dreams
Remind me in cold air pleas
You try to tell me in the energy
Under the full moon – it’s extreme

…It’s déjà vu, isn’t it ?

It’s hard to love myself
When I abandon such a small child
Keep her on a dusty dark shelf
On the other side of a wall, feeling reviled
There is no guarantee to know
if it’s safe to come out and breath?
I don’t know sweetie…
I honestly don’t know

.

And as I keep trying
You keep crying
Wondering
If heaven’s been packed away
While we just keep dancing
in a homicidal ballet

~L

..

 

.

*Dance in the dark, picture credit to – lown_c with flicker. Click on picture to see more of this talented work.~

The most perfect song that finishes the words I can’t find… a complete to this post … “baby ballerina, is hiding somewhere in the corner”…

I’m letting go of all that I know

I’ve come to your throne here so cold and alonehere's to letting go
I’m calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide
And I cry, Lord take me away

Take this heavy heart, this weary soul
and set them free
Remove my self till there’s nothing left
But you alone in me

I’m letting go of all that I know
I’m holding on to you alone
I lay it all down, down here at Your feet
I want You alone… You alone.

If I go to the heavens above
Lord, I know you will be there
And if I make my bed in the depths
Lord I know you are there

If I rise on wings of the dawn
or sail on to the far side of the sea
Even still, Lord I know you will
You will always be there with me

I’m letting go of all that I know
I’m holding on to you alone
I lay it all down, down here at Your feet
I want you alone… you alone.

Inspired My Psalms 139

The Pain of Knowing – Part I

The Pain of Knowing
December 7, 2009 from the blog, “The Other 167 Hours …Life outside the session” By: Dr.David Hamilton PsyD

I often work with people who are trying to find the courage to know what they know. Imagine standing in front of a wall that you are about to paint. You look at it and decide that red would be a perfect color for the wall, and you’re right. It would be.

Red Paint with Splash of YellowYou have a paintbrush in your hand. Next to you is a step ladder with an open bucket of paint on top. You reach up and dip your paintbrush into the bucket.

But, something’s wrong!

Your paintbrush comes out yellow. That bucket is full of yellow paint! Yellow is definitely not the right color for this wall.

You decide to try again. After carefully washing off your brush, you again take your place in front of the wall. You reach up and dip your brush into the paint can. It’s yellow. That’s not right. Everyone you know agrees that this wall should be painted red. You decide you need a break. You set down your brush and walk away upset. You decide to give it 24 hours.

The next day you have calmed down. You are feeling a little more positive now. You go to the wall, pick up your brush, which has caked-on dried paint from the day before and you spend the next 30 minutes carefully cleaning the brush. Then, you carefully and happily dip it in the bucket, only to be shocked again that it came out yellow.

You throw down the brush, frustrated. You spend 15 minutes looking at the wall carefully making sure that red would be the best color, not yellow. Yup, it should be red. You pick up your brush, wash it off and dip it in the paint bucket…

I’ll leave the rest of the story for you to finish.

There are some things in life that are definitely not the way they should be. You know how they should be, but every time you try to make changes, it doesn’t work. You get mad, frustrated, hard to be around, depressed…
Continue reading

Stuck between worlds…

pulling hair out

Image by wstera2 via Flickr

Okay… whoever reads this blog must know by now that it’s been a battle between the world that I presently live in and the dark world I grew up as a child.   This past week has been very emotional for me.  As I am currently trying to make the right decision of what I should do.  My therapist wants me to go to a program for people who have gone through what I have and have good doctors to help me move forward.  Sigh!!!!!  This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I feel as if the weight of this past world is crashing in on me.  New memories flood my mind often and sometimes I can manage through them and sometimes I get so sick that if their was anything in my stomach it just comes back up.  Gross I know.

So here I am stuck in a moment like the great U2 song says.  I feel lost in what I should do, I feel lost in the memories that haunt my soul.  I can’t wait for church tomorrow… I need to a joy charge.. I hope I find it.  My ADHD mind is beyond lacking focus.  I am sure I am not making any sense.

What to do…  what to do….                                                                                                   

 oh…  can’t this decisions just be easier… I think it’s owed to me for it to be more simpler than this!  Does anyone realize how tired and weak I am.  Can someone take over and make  these decisions  for me?

I need to remember how God has been faithful…

I need to remember how God has lifted me out of the depths of darkness. I also need to remember that God has my soul in his hands and even thought my mind may be exposed for the darkness to creep in and try to destroy my present… he has saved me from the reality of what was… so I know my God can save me from the memories of once was and no longer lives. I am safe in His promises.

It’s hard to explain what I feel when the memories come flooding into my mind. I need to know that if God can save me from the grasp of an evil man then He can save me from the memories that no longer can harm me. I need some energy to fight. I have none…. I use it all during the night fighting the darkness away.

It has been a roller coaster of a ride for the past 4 weeks… not knowing what to do. Knowing that Bipolar is a for sure thing now seems sad, yet I’m relieved to know… now maybe I can get on the right meds and figure it all out… No one ever knows really what to do with me… what help is best and how to approach it… I wish someone would fight for me… how am I suppose to win this when I am so week? I need an advocate…. and why is it that I want to rely on an earthly help? Why can’t I just be content that God can be my advocate? Oh, boy???? I have too much going on in my brain and think I just need to slow down… a nap sounds good and I have only been up a few hours:(

2 AM

I think I am going to just stay up for the rest of the night. I just woke up from a horrible dream! I hate this all… I hate not knowing what to do next! I feel like it’s flooding back and i just keep shoving reality back under the rug. It’s all so much… I just need someone to understand. I am scared to go back to sleep. What’s next? Will someone please tell me what I should do? I don’t know what to do? I am beyond sick of this little dance I have been doing for the past few months. I need some advice on what i need to do and how…. I need to know how! Should I forget and pretend it all away…. should I spill my guts as hard as it is? Something… I should be doing something. Because all this nothing I am doing is getting me no where! (sigh) I surrender! I am in complete surrender mode. I need someone to take the driver seat… I am broken, hurt, scared, lost,confused, and not in control of this situation… please someone… tell me what I need to do? And don’t tell me to pray… because I already am… like you would not believe. I am trying… and fighting… but I can’t control my nights and these dreams! so… what do I do? Anyone? Someone?

What’s the point in all this screaming… no one’s listening anyway.