Tag Archives: Healing

Take It All Away – (another video poem)

So I’m not sure why I spend hours and hours putting these videos together but can’t seem to find the words to write anymore.  This is just another way to let my subconscious scream the pain I suppose…..  So here it is…. another video I made with a thousand secrets woven throughout.

~L

I poured every ounce of my soul into this…

Everyone needs a hero in their life…. here is mine -

Video Poetry
By: ~L


For ‘UncertainMe and all Her AmbiguousValues”

(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear

Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved

Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted

Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms

We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted
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Healing Rain

This song has always been a favorite.  It spoke to me as it started raining  this past July…  I just had to go out and “be washed in Heaven’s rain” (emotional)   …”to stand in Summer’s rain. I will never forget this moment.  It was a healing moment for my soul.  I was blessed enough that it was all captured behind a camera!  This video is what I like to call ‘Video Poetry’.  Words could not describe what that moment was… so here is my moment for you in the form of ‘Video Poetry’.

Healing Rain

                         By: ~L

Most Pictures were taken by my Step-daughter and some myself.  Hope you enjoyed ;)

Love Come

(lyrics posted underneath)

This song means a few different things on a few different levels.  To me this is a prayer and a soul crying out for a human touch too….  Also a response from what I believe God wanted me to here.  This is not a religious song per-say, but too me it touched me in that way. I bold-ed what I would like to think God said to me in this song.  The rest of the words are very much my heart at this moment in time…

thanks for listening!!!

Love Come By: Sarah McLachlan

Love come light up the shadows
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch
A long and lonely time
I’ve seen much more than I want to
So much anger so much pain
A line is drawn and lives are torn apart
The wounds too hard to hear

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace
I could hold up as true
I never knew anything about love before you

You call and I come running 
I can sense the flood before it breaks 
And I’d do anything to dry your tears 
To let you know you’re safe 

Love has taken me in
Lifted my load
And in this empty space a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace
I could hold up as true
I never know anything about love before you

Love come light up the shadows !!!!
Let the beauty of you enter in
For I have hungered for a tender touch
A long and lonely time

~I can’t listen to this song with out feeling so much emotion… tears are just the reactions I suppose. 

at times when the world seems to be a dream

at times when the world seems to be a dream
and all you want to do is wake up and scream

when your faith is tested
and you now hesitate to believe what God has invested

when the darkness seems to surround
I desperately need the light to abound

so much pain
too much has been drained

to understand the me
is to understand how to be free

to know who this girl is now
is to know who the girl was then

to receive the love of God
to know it’s not a facade

it’s not delirious
it’s mysterious

his love is like an avalanche of grace
it has not been misplaced

and as the walls close in around us
the pressure tests us, I must confess

I search to find a peace
an inner strength to increase

in this world we will suffer
and somehow it makes us tougher

when earth is no more
and it’s time to soar

I pray that I have been faithful
despite the world and it’s dark pull

we are his masterpiece
an artsy of an almighty God

and someday I will know why
the fathers love and why he had to die

it’s not a great philosophy
His love…

we must not guess
the answer is yes
I must profess

He loves us
because He loves us
because He loves us

peace with in the distress
because He loves us

because He loves us

late at night… going through the motions the only way I know how… singing… music… raw…

Because he loves us…

Restoration

I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.

I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.

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It is well with my soul

As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!

? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how?  How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul?  Do you know what you are asking of me at times?  Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?

Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.

How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?

How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.

There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.

Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips.  We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.

They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.

Remember, you’re (we’re)  tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?

We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.

No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)

It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul

To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;) 

a quick history to this song…. it  is heartbreaking beautiful!  A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800’s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found….  it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”

Light divided darkness

Despite the sorrow
Grief
Distress
And  troubling times

I desire to persevere
Through the fear
waste
void
And the darkness that  rears

With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…

The victory has already been spoken

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?

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Sometimes

Sometimes all you can do is pray that HIS army will rise up and slay this darkness…. Because I need to sleep… I need to function… I need HIS hiding place. I am so tired… so very very tired…

For anyone who believes in prayer… Let the church rise…

Not in the mood to talk…

Hands

when the music fades

He didn't like it when I played... my daddy did but he was never home... I did it in the secret anyway...

Child With Prayer Hands Together

Oh, God please hear me this night....

....must be a pill for that

a picture may be worth a thousand words but in this case it's a thousand mysteries... don't try and understand ... it just won't happen.

It was never yours to take!

Day 72/365 ~ Nothing was Beautiful and Everything Hurt
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The reality is… in my reality you can’t come

wishing you could come...

Won’t you come?

Keep me safe in the darkness
As shadows rise
and memories begin to flood my eyes
Won’t you come?

Let the safety of your hand
resting on my shoulder bring comfort
It is needed much
I wish for a gentle touch
Alone this is too much to confront
Won’t you come?

I just can't be alone with my eyes are closed

When I close my eyes
The movie trailer becomes
And all I want to do is die
As the many awful memories
Are behind each and every sigh
I am not sure I can do this alone
This hurt is too hard on my own
Won’t you come?
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Slow fade. Slow recovery.

It was a slow fade.
It’s not to be mistaken for a quick recovery
A  painful fade that has lasted too many years
(I suppose the fade still lingers till all is revealed)

Each passing day was another day broken-down by fear
A slow destruction of a child
and the unexpected destruction of an adult…who never saw the wrecking ball as it restyled

All that has ever been compiled
has now been replaced with his violence and revile
All the present moments get swept away
Because all her once entitled moments
became and become untitled

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Let’s Paint April Blue

April is Child Abuse Awareness month and I’m challenging all my faithful readers to paint your blog blue this month and raise your voice.

Use blue font. Post a picture of something blue. Tell your story and I will post it in blue for you. Send it to untiltedmoments@ymail.com

Here is my first post in blue.

One month out of twelve
Let this one be the loudest
each day will be our song
some may rock
and some will softly leave us touched

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Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part II)

If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.

There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?

I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now!
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I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.

Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.

I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126

So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)

...no more pain

This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?

This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!

Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part I)

If there is one post that will be the hardest to write will be this one today. I was asked a few days ago what I should write about and each response was about my faith. It was the last comment that really made me pause, cry, and determine to explain. This is going to very hard for me to write  in a way that explains it for you, as the reader, to understand; especially to explain why I know God is real even amongst all the struggles of my doubts and suffering because of the abuse I went through as a child and the struggles of life leading to now.

I was about four years only when I moved from a big city to a small country house that my parents were renting. I remember waking up screaming and screaming one night. I don’t know why… I was scared, I just was. That same night I felt someone or something touch me. I felt warmth all over me.  I was okay, it was such a good feeling that I didn’t have to run down to see my mommy and daddy. I knew at the very moment I was not alone. Something was in this room even though I could not see it… I could feel it.

I like to explain it like the wind. You can’t see the wind but you see the effects of the wind, you can feel the wind… and you just do.. you know its’ there. The same way I could not see what was in that room with me but I could see and feel the effects of what was in the room. I was so little to be able to even comprehend this.  Having a four year old right now puts me in awe that at four years old, not knowing who God, how I would have it in my head that something that I can’t see exists and this thing that exists is powerful because once I felt what I did that night, I never wanted to lose it.

Throughout my days after that experience I would talk to this unseen thing and ask to make me feel safe. It was not a make believe friend because I never had a face for him or a name. I just knew that there was something out there that was real and powerful; even thought I could not see it. From that day on I walked and talked with this ‘friend’.  The more I believed the more I could feel whatever it was  and that it was amazing.
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...and why wouldn't she share this amazing new friend with the world ?

I remember a time that I had all the neighbor kids and my little brother and sisters line up on the lawn. I excitingly told them, “we are not alone”. There is something that we can’t see and it is our friend. You can’t see this thing but you can feel it if you believe”.

I could not fathom my five year old remembering that much after 20 plus years has gone by. I don’t remember much from those years but I do remember when I met my ‘friend’ and some significant moments.

When I was around six my parents bought a house on forty acres Around that time is when we started going to a small country church. This is where I first remember hearing about God or Jesus. When they talked about how you could not see God and you needed to have faith to believe and ‘ask Jesus in your heart’; I knew!  This is who I talk to and feel! This is my friend, He has a name!  I was so excited; now I could tell everybody about my friend names Jesus and how wonderful it was to have a friend like this… and boy did I ever.  My mom has told me of times when at the store I would tell everyone about my friend and how if you believe in him he will be the best friend you will ever have and he will keep you safe forever.

The more I learned about Jesus and His love the stronger my relationship became with my ‘friend’. I already knew before anyone told me that there was something powerful and kind who loves us. Learning how He was all powerful made me have a increasing respect for my ‘friend’.  I may have been thought many things about Jesus and some could say well the rest you were taught and brain washed.

Intensely reading about her friend, Jesus.

But see the thing is that when I got my first little kid bible and started looking at all the pictures and being read to, my friend would come more real to me. It was like He was teaching me all about Him through a big story book. I read slowly and sounded out so carefully each word.  I was just six trying to read this little kids bible and barley knew how to read. My daddy would read to me a lot, and when he did I would memorize the pages.

Their came a time when I was so sad that my friend needed to die for all of us in the world.  I was mad and didn’t understand why people would kill my friend.  Oh, but the joy when I found out that my God was so powerful that He raised Jesus from the grave and someday I get to see my friend because I believe so much that He is real! I was one excited little girl that Easter!
My Sunday school teacher use to ask me if I asked Jesus into my heart and I would tell her “NO, I don’t have to ask Him into my heart. (so proudly stated) …I felt Him when I was four and I believed He was real then. I don’t have to ask him in my heart, He is already my friend”! (So there… take that from a 6 year old! :) )

So here I was an innocent little girl with joy and love and full of life ready to save the world. Telling everyone about God’s love and trying so hard to be a good little girl. Six years old with joy unspeakable singing to my Jesus everywhere I went and thanking Him for never leaving me even when my daddy came home drunk and my parents would fight all night long.  My friend was still with me and teaching me that the world is dark and that is why he had to send His son to die so that we can say we’re sorry and live a life that is pleasing to God… so that in the end we can live in a world where no more mommy’s and daddy’s fight and where you never loose your animals. Such innocence and unaware of what was to come…

And then I turned seven.

Next post –>


My ‘Mindfulness’ moment (that sparked my last two posts)

'The Face' - the I'm not going to do it face... the whatever you say face :)

Oh brother! Do you know how many therapists have tried to make me practice this ridicules thing called ‘mindfulness’ (I say that word out loud very sarcastically… with a face) “Sigh”, so here I am still fighting my way out of depression and putting voice to all the untitled moments.  As many or you know… it’s not been easy!

Well I joined this six month… oh yes, I said it… and you read it right; six month group that meets once a week to learn, (now using a very serious deep voice) Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) “dun dun dun dun…” :)  Don’t ask me what means because I still don’t know :)  I just know that I am supposed to learn how not to let my emotions interfere with my present life or something like that :)  One of the main skills we are taught is how to practice the art of being mindful (still talking out loud as I type very sarcastically) Maybe I should record myself talking and amuse you all with my wonderful sarcasm or I will just highlight in, hummm…. purple when I’m using a sarcastic tone. (now you’ll know) :)

Here it comes… time to swallow crow! I have come to learn for the first time in years that my stubbornness does not always win; and a few times I am faced with the reality that I am wrong :) The third experience of me doing this (because I had to… it was homework) It kinda worked. I think it worked because I actually tried. Funny how that works. (I’m cracking myself up here. I tend to talk to myself out loud lately… it’s been lonely)

Okay so I thought I would share my homework with you all. It is this Mindful moment that sparked a blog post I read over a year ago which you can read here and then I wrote a pretty good post about what reading this post and this mindful experience brought a huge moment of getting it.  You can click here to read my amazing moment:)

Home work:

Mindfulness Practice Reporting Form

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Gallery

I will rise! (in a thousand words) ;)

No poems tonight; just a passionate girl writing about what was stolen, what is wrong, what has been taken and also what is right, what has been given and what will be replaced! I never seek for people to think … Continue reading

PMS meets Depression… oh boy! ;)

If you are reading this from Dverse… I linked the wrong post this is not it:) but you are more then welcome to read it:)  here is the right link http://untitledmoments.com/2012/01/31/untitled-i-cant-title-a-moment-if-i-really-dont-know-what-it-is-it-just-is-untitled/

Libresse tampons stylish pack design

Ugh....

PMS is Depressions worst enemy. I suppose for guys too it would be hard to be depressed and have to deal with a hormonal cranky nagging women once a month :)

But girls… you know that beyond the bloating and frequent stops to the bathroom that are just a wast of time… and once a month you can’t ware white. (well i did that once in rebellion of the curse of periods… and regretful inform you it didn’t go well for me… all that and I was singing at a small coffee shop when the gravity decided to play a funny trick on me as I had my favorite cute white pants on :-/ ) anyway… off that bunny trail (ADD moment) All the bloating and inconvenience of being a girl, can be tiresome, but with all that boldly stated… there is nothing worse than being the girl who suffers from major PMS and being engulfed in depression. Talk about the worst 5 days… emotional, dramatic and out of control.

I didn’t even watch the Super Bowl on Sunday because I was convinced my world as I knew it was coming to an end. Drama, drama, drama :) .  …and I love football almost as much as I love my kids;)

I am not going to minimize the pain that I am feeling Depression is very real to me and the emotions I feel are real. Yesterday morning when I awoke after crying my self to sleep and saying many things I did not mean and MAJORLY regret, I was greeted with the curse of our visiting monthly nightmare :) I was not… I repeat NOT smiling then! I out loud told God I was mad at Him. I emotionally stated that this was not funny… this is not a joking mater… My emotions where real! ugh!!! :) oh yes… I then cried for the next 5 hours. So lets just say that the already emotional feelings i had were intensified by 10 from the greatness of PMS.

As I write to you today it’s 11am and I am showered and smiling and ready to face this ugly war and yell at all the lies that the evilness tells me to believe. I am going to do something today and enjoy it! I am going to smile… and laugh… and may cry; yet when the (what I believe are awful…) tears come… I wont think the world is ending.

I have much to face in the next many many months. Many decisions need to be made. I am going to make sure I don’t let my emotions get int he way of my judgement as I make them. I have to realize that depression is a disease and it’s a process to learn how to understand it all.

I am not saying that my posts are going to be full of sunshine. BUT! THEY will be filled with a little more hope… yes and pain… but realizing that beauty comes from pain. (but honest I will be… )

I am off to fight the day… not tomorrow but today.

~L

I’m trusting… So please don’t let go of me….

80/365

… such good lyrics… make sure you listen to the song attached at the end:)

Don’t know where to begin
Its like my world’s caving in
And I try but I can’t control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You
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