We sang the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul as a closing song in church today. If you remember a while back about the journal entry I wrote, I had shared how special this song was for me growing up as a little girl – you might imagine it was an emotional moment for me today.
I sang this song many, many times in my soul; guarding it from the evil that was surrounding my body and mind during so many moments of the blah blah blah moments of abuse as a child.
I tried so hard not to cry, but tears welled up in my eyes… I’m pretty sure they came from the deepest part of my being. The added line as a new twist to the song really hit me hard, It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul. I almost felt like falling to my knees. I felt such a rush of memories of countless times as a child singing this song while enduring the evil acts of such dark men. Continue reading →
I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin
I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!
My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak
Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail
This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME
I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness
“God, I am in awe of the beauty of Your nature that surrounds us… It’s as if you opened up the heavens and sprinkled beauty so pure for us to marvel at such a wonder. We, who are poets, writers, photographers, and artists; we strive to create words that express… capture pictures to illustrate and paint stories to convey. And yet You, with one breath, dust beauty among us ”
Here I stand looking into the heavens, and knowing, that this is the God who spoke light and divided darkness, placed the stars in the heavens and painted sunsets that take our breath away. We could never come close to capturing the beauty of His artistry. To be able to illustrate as He has - no mortal man could compare. So here I stand amongst these trees, lifting my hands; captured by His grace and cleansed with His mercy, as it washes this unworthy soul white as snow.
I hide my face that grins and lies
Behind a mask to disguise
There she cries
In the shadow of their religion
I have been uninvited
Torn and bleeding
As they pass on by with their tries
Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes
My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory
(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear
Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved
Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted
Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms
We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted Continue reading →
(this time I saved all the pictures for the video at the end)
Hold On
You had asked me to fight and not give up You told me it would be hard
but that you would never let go of my hand
I believed you
So, I started swimming
I would get tired
Yet you kept telling me “I am here”
“My love for you never fails” You kept on believing in me
…even when I had seemed to have lost faith
Many times I felt the monsters of this sea tugging on me
it was hard!
it would get dark, cold and rough
but from time to time you would send a good Samaritan to help me along the way
I was half way there
at the hardest part
equal distance from where the past claimed me
and where the freedom was awaiting.
It was hard
And I was scared
Trust and grief can coincide.
It is still awful.
Trust does not make the pain go away.
TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE.
HOPE sees BEYOND the pain.
Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.
(heard something like this
a few months ago
from a really good
church service)
____________________________________
…………….. I AM ……………
… trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain
** This pertains to many different times in my life.. but mostly 6 months ago to present...and how some can't see past my "scarlet letter now" This is my testimonie of this situation in my life. This is not in anger or bitterness... this is my story... my story starting with a verse from Luke, Chapter 10
One occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
Yet he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
Here is my loose translation of this passage found In Luke 1o:25-37
A girl was going down a life’s journey when she was attacked by various abusers for many years. They stripped of her cloths and innocence; beat her and went away leaving her half dead. After yet another heartbreaking event she became weary and sick…. She went for help and was abandoned by a place that said they would take care of her; left on the side of the road helpless and alone.
The Church happened to be going down the same road and when they saw this girl , they passed by on the other side. They left her knowing she curled up broken on the ground and most were much too busy to help her. Much to concerned about her wrongs rather then her her broken-es…
So too, many friends, when they came to the place and saw her, passed by on the other side. Giving a few kind words but not offering to her the support and help she needed… just words as she lied there half dead. But a Stranger, not one of her own, had traveled by, came where the girl was; and when they saw her, they took pity on her. They went to her and bandaged her wounds, feed her, prayed with her; loved her with the love of God. They gave her a place to stay and took care of her despite the sacrifice that could and would come because they chose to be obedient to the greatest commandment; LOVE.
I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.
I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.
As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!
? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how? How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul? Do you know what you are asking of me at times? Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?
Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.
How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?
How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.
There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.
Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips. We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.
They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.
Remember, you’re (we’re) tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?
We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.
No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)
It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul“
To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;)
a quick history to this song…. it is heartbreaking beautiful! A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found…. it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”
Despite the sorrow
Grief
Distress
And troubling times
I desire to persevere
Through the fear
waste
void
And the darkness that rears
With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace
Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…
The victory has already been spoken
In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?
To my heavenly Father
my heart yearns to come home to you today
to be held in the weightlessness of your embrace
Father I long for the day to be surrounded by your love
To see you face to face
My heart fills with an impatientness to reside with you
where tears no longer flow
and heartache is no more
with my Father who’s love is pure as snow
who’s love is faithful forever more
It amazes me to know how it came be
that I knew Your love was real to me
How time and time again you have held my right hand…
From the times I skinned my knee
to times when my left hand was bound with misery
There is nothing more I desire
Than to be home with you
———————————————————————–
To my Father who has raised me here in this world
My heart knows the love you have for me
Daddy, I long for the day when your heart will foresee
how much a daughter needs a daddy in this world
My God choose you to keep me safe from the raging sea
I grow impatient as I await for you to give to me the love I need
This is my deepest plea
Daddy won’t your come
Your words of encouragement throughout the years
have made me be the fighter I am today
it’s been said by many Continue reading →
The giggles of small children counting.
The temptation to sneak a quick look through their small fingers.
The excitement that rushes through them to hurry to find the ones hiding
And the burst of energy once they finally get to a hundred and shout… “Ready or not here I come”
The stored energy of the ones in hiding ready to burst at the seams…
Their breathing heavy from the pressure to find the “perfect spot”
The anticipation of the game…
And patience to remain still enough and not laugh
Being that quiet for that long is a hard job for an excited child :)
The clouds are thick. The rain is pouring. My feet are sunk into cement. I stand in this darkness unable to move.
Sometimes all I can do is keep singing even if just a hum comes out…. it has been my longest coping skill from the moment I could talk. I honestly don’t have many words… sometimes it’s just a melody with no lyrics.
I sense the feeling that depressing is on the rise. I am in need of someone to hold me. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t want to figure it out. I don’t want to understand tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I will make it through. I will make it through.
Sometimes it’s ‘family’ that is more important than therapy. Sometime one just needs the simplicity of support without judgment or restriction… or even opinions… just love. I would run back home tomorrow if I knew they would take this broken girl back with out condemning her, restricting who she is… I need to live the only way i know how… I need to keep singing.
I am learning that home is in my soul. That perhaps the only one to hold me through the dark and nightmare filled nights is my God. I’m so ridiculously human that I still crave a warm touch to show me I’m still alive and worth the love.
(too many tears) Why did you take what was not yours to take? That stated question pertains in various levels to various people. Some took my sense of safety. Some took my body. Some took what only God should be allowed to remove. Some took my passions…. and again I say, “you can take the passion away from the girl but you can’t take the passion out of the girl” … not this one at least… not this one. Temporally stealing away my right to be me is just as bad as temporally suffocating one… temporally is too long to not breath they way she breaths. I need to keep singing.
I ‘gotta keep singing… that’s the only way that I find healing…
Matthew 27:15 American King James Version
But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
Luke 17:2 It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.
Mark 9:42 GOD’S WORD® Translation
Mark “These little ones believe in me. It would be best for the person who causes one of them to lose faith to be thrown into the sea with a large stone hung around his neck.
I think their is a reason that It’s in the bible so many times. I don’t think I even have to say anymore on this. But I dare someone to argue this with me.
Freely written at 10pm. No need for me to re read my heart… this is the real deal… no proof reading tonight… what you see is what you get)
As Much as I want to finish this and tell you the storm has passed and I see sunshine… All I have right now is a rainbow… a rainbow to tell me that someday this too shall pass and you can be alive the way my God has planed for me to be. I had a beautiful way to end this serious (if that what you want to call it?) I’m a bit weary at the moment and it would be a lie for me to finish what needs to be said… so soon I will but not today.
I am not going to bring the sunshine to you today when it’s not shinning. I know it’s still behind those clouds… so hope is still present, but honestly these last three posts have taken a huge tole on me. I have had to remember a lot and mourn much in a short time with no comfort or anyone to hold me as the tears fall and my body feels the pain of all the yesterdays. As I type this right now I think how very far I am from ‘home’.
Depression is depression… that is the season I am in right now. A season where the memories for the past year have flipped my life upside down and sent me into a shock. I HAVE NOT DIED… I AM NOT YET DEAD! I am just depressed and SUFFERING from a very VERY difficult past. I am ALIVE and I’m going to live my life the way.
I have fought and fought… took some breaks… fought and fought. I am closer to where I was yesterday… but these last miles one runs are the hardest… your tired, thirsty,and you just want it to be done. This has been a long marathon and these last miles are not to be mistaken as ‘almost done’ they need to be understood as ‘please please hold me up when I fall, please please encourage me to the finish line, please please please coach me in what is best to make it, please please if I fall come pick me up and finish the race with me…. Desperation is a funny thing… it really humbles you enough to say, “I need help”.
I AM NOT YET DEAD… I am going to live today… and tomorrow and the next and the next… I am worth the fight… because I have value … my God tells me so… so “don’t bury me… I’m not yet dead”!!!
Thank you for coming along with me on this long marathon! Thank you for your words of hope… it’s been like a shot of Gatorade for me. And for those that have prayed… it’s been like you snuck me in a 5 hour energy drink ;) I am very thankful for your prayers and support! You have no idea how that make me feel… So… for all of that I am thank you… it’s very humbling to have one read your broken heart… it’s not a fun nor a great read… but the words of hope from you and times when one can relate bring a sense of understanding why I keep writing and it truly is humbling.
I’m not yet dead! Great song ;) My fight song today… :) I still got some rock left in me ;)
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
There’s a solemn stillness to the dawn. Hovering above the slumber of life, with grand expectation for the waking dreamer to take his hand. To wander in search of purpose. To claim the dreams that falter and fade with the sunrise. Before they are lost inside the blemished haze of living.
I logged into Twitter one day and I was welcomed with notifications alerting me that some of my tweets/quotes had been re-tweeted and faved. Which, of course, always makes me smile. But to my surprise, I found that the person who was enjoying my tweets was Beth Albright. Instantly, I click on her profile to […]
Welcome to Free Write Friday. If you are new here, feel free to read the intro. Otherwise, let’s get started. Here is your FWF prompt… I stumbled across the amazing photography of Tom Clark, whose website is filled with emotional images. I said I was going to choose one for the prompt this week, but […]
I want you to stop what you’re doing. Sit down and really listen to me. Turn off the music. Shut the door. Go in another room. Get away from people. Whatever you have to do. Okay? I have your attention? I know you feel like there are parts of you that are broken, crushed, can’t […]
You have people who believe in you. True, some have misunderstood you, even hurt you. But you have people who believe in you. What do they see? What is the picture they have of you? I know you have your own picture of yourself but my guess is that the injuries have distorted that a […]
Everything that goes wrong, every irritation, gets a hotline right to your emotions. They all feel like great candidates to be the “last straw.” And now this? On top of everything else?! Those words that you use as you place it on top of your heap, as you think about the injustice, the irony, the […]
