Tag Archives: God

It’s a train wreck in my mind. Devastation floods. However… total devastation has not severed my soul.

We sang the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul as a closing song in church today. If you remember a while back about the journal entry I wrote, I had shared how special this song was for me growing up as a little girl – you might imagine it was an emotional moment for me today.

I sang this song many, many times in my soul; guarding it from the evil that was surrounding my body and mind during so many moments of the blah blah blah moments of abuse as a child.

I tried so hard not to cry, but tears welled up in my eyes… I’m pretty sure they came from the deepest part of my being. The added line as a new twist to the song really hit me hard, It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul. I almost felt like falling to my knees. I felt such a rush of memories of countless times as a child singing this song while enduring the evil acts of such dark men.
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Silent Secret Screams

 Silent Secret Screams

I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin

I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!

My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak

Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail

This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the  forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME

I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness

In desperation,
~L

~Indescribable ~

Nothing Can Compare To The Beauty of His Artistry

“God, I am in awe of the beauty of Your nature that surrounds us… It’s as if you opened up the heavens and sprinkled beauty so pure for us to marvel at such a wonder.  We, who are poets, writers,  photographers,  and artists; we strive to create words that express…  capture pictures to illustrate and paint stories to convey.  And yet You, with one breath, dust beauty among us ”

Here I stand looking into the heavens, and knowing, that this is the God who spoke light and divided darkness, placed the stars in the heavens and painted sunsets that take our breath away.  We could never come close to capturing the beauty of His artistry. To be able to illustrate as He has -  no mortal man could compare.  So here I stand amongst these trees, lifting my hands; captured by His grace and cleansed with His mercy, as it washes this unworthy soul white as snow.


I Have a Face

I hide my face that grins and lies
Behind a mask to disguise
There she cries
In the shadow of their religion
I have been uninvited
Torn and bleeding
As they pass on by with their tries

Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes

My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory

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Injustice

Injustice

Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end.

Deep within the soul of a man
Dark and controlled – unthinkable

The need to measure and to weigh
the need for justice now prevails
As grain by grain of sand is placed
upon those waiting scales.

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For ‘UncertainMe and all Her AmbiguousValues”

(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear

Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved

Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted

Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms

We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted
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Trust, Grief, and Hope

Trust and grief can coincide.
It is still awful.
Trust does not make the pain go away.
TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE.
HOPE sees BEYOND the pain.
Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.

(heard something like this 
a few months ago 
from a really good 
church service)

____________________________________

…………….. I AM ……………

… trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain

Go and do likewise…

** This pertains to many different times in my life..
 but mostly 6 months ago  to present...
and how some can't see past my "scarlet letter now" 
This is my testimonie of this situation in my life. 
This is not in anger or bitterness... this is my story... 
my story starting with a verse from Luke, Chapter 10

One occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

Yet he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Here is my loose translation of this passage found In Luke 1o:25-37

A girl was going down a life’s journey when she was attacked by various abusers for many years. They stripped of her cloths and innocence; beat her and went away leaving her half dead. After yet another heartbreaking event she became weary and sick…. She went for help and was abandoned by a place that said they would take care of her; left on the side of the road helpless and alone.

The Church happened to be going down the same road and when they saw this girl , they passed by on the other side. They left her knowing she curled up broken on the ground  and most were much too busy to help her. Much to concerned about her wrongs rather then her her broken-es…

So too, many friends, when they came to the place and saw her, passed by on the other side. Giving a few kind words but not offering to her the support and help she needed… just words as she lied there half dead. But a Stranger, not one of her own, had traveled by, came where the girl was; and when they saw her, they took pity on her. They went to her and bandaged her wounds, feed her, prayed with her; loved her with the love of God. They gave her a place to stay and took care of her despite the sacrifice that could and would come because they chose to be obedient to the greatest commandment; LOVE.

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at times when the world seems to be a dream

at times when the world seems to be a dream
and all you want to do is wake up and scream

when your faith is tested
and you now hesitate to believe what God has invested

when the darkness seems to surround
I desperately need the light to abound

so much pain
too much has been drained

to understand the me
is to understand how to be free

to know who this girl is now
is to know who the girl was then

to receive the love of God
to know it’s not a facade

it’s not delirious
it’s mysterious

his love is like an avalanche of grace
it has not been misplaced

and as the walls close in around us
the pressure tests us, I must confess

I search to find a peace
an inner strength to increase

in this world we will suffer
and somehow it makes us tougher

when earth is no more
and it’s time to soar

I pray that I have been faithful
despite the world and it’s dark pull

we are his masterpiece
an artsy of an almighty God

and someday I will know why
the fathers love and why he had to die

it’s not a great philosophy
His love…

we must not guess
the answer is yes
I must profess

He loves us
because He loves us
because He loves us

peace with in the distress
because He loves us

because He loves us

late at night… going through the motions the only way I know how… singing… music… raw…

Because he loves us…

Restoration

I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.

I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.

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It is well with my soul

As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!

? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how?  How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul?  Do you know what you are asking of me at times?  Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?

Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.

How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?

How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.

There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.

Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips.  We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.

They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.

Remember, you’re (we’re)  tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?

We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.

No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)

It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul

To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;) 

a quick history to this song…. it  is heartbreaking beautiful!  A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found….  it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”

Light divided darkness

Despite the sorrow
Grief
Distress
And  troubling times

I desire to persevere
Through the fear
waste
void
And the darkness that  rears

With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…

The victory has already been spoken

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?

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Mother

Two forty eight in the morning
My mind is worn-out
My body in alarm
I close my eyes
And listen deep

I sometimes hear my mother singing
Then realized it was never to me
I breathe in
And release
I hang my head in the sorrow

Imagining her loving me
Her hands running through my hair
A gentle touch
A loving kiss
An affirmation of hope

Three twenty one in the morning
My heart grieves
My gut sinks
I wide eyed stair into the wall in front of me
Saddened by dull dreams

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Hide and Seek

Private collection

Image via Wikipedia

The giggles of small children counting.
The temptation to sneak a quick look through their small fingers.
The excitement that rushes through them to hurry to find the ones hiding
And the burst of energy once they finally get to a hundred and shout…
“Ready or not here I come”

The stored energy of the ones in hiding ready to burst at the seams…
Their breathing heavy from the pressure to find the “perfect spot”
The anticipation of the game…
And patience to remain still enough and not laugh
Being that quiet for that long is a hard job for an excited child :)

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I’m letting go of all that I know

I’ve come to your throne here so cold and alonehere's to letting go
I’m calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide
And I cry, Lord take me away

Take this heavy heart, this weary soul
and set them free
Remove my self till there’s nothing left
But you alone in me

I’m letting go of all that I know
I’m holding on to you alone
I lay it all down, down here at Your feet
I want You alone… You alone.

If I go to the heavens above
Lord, I know you will be there
And if I make my bed in the depths
Lord I know you are there

If I rise on wings of the dawn
or sail on to the far side of the sea
Even still, Lord I know you will
You will always be there with me

I’m letting go of all that I know
I’m holding on to you alone
I lay it all down, down here at Your feet
I want you alone… you alone.

Inspired My Psalms 139

keep singing

The clouds are thick. The rain is pouring. My feet are sunk into cement. I stand in this darkness unable to move.

Sometimes all I can do is keep singing even if just a hum comes out…. it has been my longest coping skill from the moment I could talk. I honestly don’t have many words… sometimes it’s just a melody with no lyrics.

I sense the feeling that depressing is on the rise. I am in need of someone to hold me. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t want to figure it out. I don’t want to understand tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I will make it through. I will make it through.

Sometimes it’s ‘family’ that is more important than therapy. Sometime one just needs the simplicity of support without judgment or restriction… or even opinions… just love. I would run back home tomorrow if I knew they would take this broken girl back with out condemning her, restricting who she is… I need to live the only way i know how… I need to keep singing.

I am learning that home is in my soul. That perhaps the only one to hold me through the dark and nightmare filled nights is my God. I’m so ridiculously human that I still crave a warm touch to show me I’m still alive and worth the love.

(too many tears) Why did you take what was not yours to take? That stated question pertains in various levels to various people. Some took my sense of safety. Some took my body. Some took what only God should be allowed to remove. Some took my passions…. and again I say, “you can take the passion away from the girl but you can’t take the passion out of the girl” … not this one at least… not this one.  Temporally stealing away my right to be me is just as bad as temporally suffocating one… temporally is too long to not breath they way she breaths.  I need to keep singing.

I ‘gotta keep singing… that’s the only way that I find healing…

God’s voice for the silent.

Matthew 27:15 American King James Version
But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Luke 17:2 It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.

Mark 9:42 GOD’S WORD® Translation
Mark “These little ones believe in me. It would be best for the person who causes one of them to lose faith to be thrown into the sea with a large stone hung around his neck.

I think their is a reason that It’s in the bible so many times. I don’t think I even have to say anymore on this. But I dare someone to argue this with me.

It’s been a tole on me I must admit… Part IV of ‘Why I know my God is real …’

Freely written at 10pm.  No need for me to re read my heart… this is the real deal… no proof reading tonight… what you see is what you get)

As Much as I want to finish this and tell you the storm has passed and I see sunshine… All I have right now is a rainbow… a rainbow to tell me that someday this too shall pass and you can be alive the way my God has planed for me to be. I had a beautiful way to end this serious (if that what you want to call it?) I’m a bit weary at the moment and it would be a lie for me to finish what needs to be said… so soon I will but not today.

I am not going to bring the sunshine to you today when it’s not shinning. I know it’s still behind those clouds… so hope is still present, but honestly these last three posts have taken a huge tole on me. I have had to remember a lot and mourn much in a short time with no comfort or anyone to hold me as the tears fall and my body feels the pain of all the yesterdays. As I type this right now I think how very far I am from ‘home’.

Depression is depression… that is the season I am in right now. A season where the memories for the past year have flipped my life upside down and sent me into a shock.  I HAVE NOT DIED… I AM NOT YET DEAD!  I am just depressed and SUFFERING from a very VERY difficult past.  I am ALIVE and I’m going to live my life the way.

I have fought and fought… took some breaks… fought and fought. I am closer to where I was yesterday… but these last miles one runs are the hardest… your tired, thirsty,and you just want it to be done. This has been a long marathon and these last miles are not to be mistaken as ‘almost done’ they need to be understood as ‘please please hold me up when I fall, please please encourage me to the finish line, please please please coach me in what is best to make it, please please if I fall come pick me up and finish the race with me…. Desperation is a funny thing… it really humbles you enough to say, “I need help”.

I AM NOT YET DEAD… I am going to live today… and tomorrow and the next and the next… I am worth the fight… because I have value … my God tells me so… so “don’t bury me… I’m not yet dead”!!!

Thank you for coming along with me on this long marathon!  Thank you for your words of hope… it’s been like a shot of Gatorade for me.  And for those that have prayed… it’s been like you snuck me in a 5 hour energy drink ;)  I am very thankful for your prayers and support!  You have no idea how that make me feel… So… for all of that I am thank you… it’s very humbling to have one read your broken heart… it’s not a fun nor a great read…  but the words of hope from you and times when one can relate bring a sense of understanding why I keep writing and it truly is humbling.

I’m not yet dead!  Great song ;)    My fight song today… :)  I still got some rock left in me ;)

(The next post is the last chapter (thus far)  about ‘my story’.   I put so much time, effort, tears and courage into this next post to share my dream to overcome and not be defeated… and the video at the end… yeah, that took me awhile too) ;)

Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part II)

If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.

There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?

I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now!
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I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.

Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.

I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126

So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)

...no more pain

This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?

This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!

Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part I)

If there is one post that will be the hardest to write will be this one today. I was asked a few days ago what I should write about and each response was about my faith. It was the last comment that really made me pause, cry, and determine to explain. This is going to very hard for me to write  in a way that explains it for you, as the reader, to understand; especially to explain why I know God is real even amongst all the struggles of my doubts and suffering because of the abuse I went through as a child and the struggles of life leading to now.

I was about four years only when I moved from a big city to a small country house that my parents were renting. I remember waking up screaming and screaming one night. I don’t know why… I was scared, I just was. That same night I felt someone or something touch me. I felt warmth all over me.  I was okay, it was such a good feeling that I didn’t have to run down to see my mommy and daddy. I knew at the very moment I was not alone. Something was in this room even though I could not see it… I could feel it.

I like to explain it like the wind. You can’t see the wind but you see the effects of the wind, you can feel the wind… and you just do.. you know its’ there. The same way I could not see what was in that room with me but I could see and feel the effects of what was in the room. I was so little to be able to even comprehend this.  Having a four year old right now puts me in awe that at four years old, not knowing who God, how I would have it in my head that something that I can’t see exists and this thing that exists is powerful because once I felt what I did that night, I never wanted to lose it.

Throughout my days after that experience I would talk to this unseen thing and ask to make me feel safe. It was not a make believe friend because I never had a face for him or a name. I just knew that there was something out there that was real and powerful; even thought I could not see it. From that day on I walked and talked with this ‘friend’.  The more I believed the more I could feel whatever it was  and that it was amazing.
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...and why wouldn't she share this amazing new friend with the world ?

I remember a time that I had all the neighbor kids and my little brother and sisters line up on the lawn. I excitingly told them, “we are not alone”. There is something that we can’t see and it is our friend. You can’t see this thing but you can feel it if you believe”.

I could not fathom my five year old remembering that much after 20 plus years has gone by. I don’t remember much from those years but I do remember when I met my ‘friend’ and some significant moments.

When I was around six my parents bought a house on forty acres Around that time is when we started going to a small country church. This is where I first remember hearing about God or Jesus. When they talked about how you could not see God and you needed to have faith to believe and ‘ask Jesus in your heart’; I knew!  This is who I talk to and feel! This is my friend, He has a name!  I was so excited; now I could tell everybody about my friend names Jesus and how wonderful it was to have a friend like this… and boy did I ever.  My mom has told me of times when at the store I would tell everyone about my friend and how if you believe in him he will be the best friend you will ever have and he will keep you safe forever.

The more I learned about Jesus and His love the stronger my relationship became with my ‘friend’. I already knew before anyone told me that there was something powerful and kind who loves us. Learning how He was all powerful made me have a increasing respect for my ‘friend’.  I may have been thought many things about Jesus and some could say well the rest you were taught and brain washed.

Intensely reading about her friend, Jesus.

But see the thing is that when I got my first little kid bible and started looking at all the pictures and being read to, my friend would come more real to me. It was like He was teaching me all about Him through a big story book. I read slowly and sounded out so carefully each word.  I was just six trying to read this little kids bible and barley knew how to read. My daddy would read to me a lot, and when he did I would memorize the pages.

Their came a time when I was so sad that my friend needed to die for all of us in the world.  I was mad and didn’t understand why people would kill my friend.  Oh, but the joy when I found out that my God was so powerful that He raised Jesus from the grave and someday I get to see my friend because I believe so much that He is real! I was one excited little girl that Easter!
My Sunday school teacher use to ask me if I asked Jesus into my heart and I would tell her “NO, I don’t have to ask Him into my heart. (so proudly stated) …I felt Him when I was four and I believed He was real then. I don’t have to ask him in my heart, He is already my friend”! (So there… take that from a 6 year old! :) )

So here I was an innocent little girl with joy and love and full of life ready to save the world. Telling everyone about God’s love and trying so hard to be a good little girl. Six years old with joy unspeakable singing to my Jesus everywhere I went and thanking Him for never leaving me even when my daddy came home drunk and my parents would fight all night long.  My friend was still with me and teaching me that the world is dark and that is why he had to send His son to die so that we can say we’re sorry and live a life that is pleasing to God… so that in the end we can live in a world where no more mommy’s and daddy’s fight and where you never loose your animals. Such innocence and unaware of what was to come…

And then I turned seven.

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