Tag Archives: Evil

Silent Secret Screams

 Silent Secret Screams

I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin

I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!

My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak

Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail

This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the  forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME

I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness

In desperation,
~L

Injustice

Injustice

Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end.

Deep within the soul of a man
Dark and controlled – unthinkable

The need to measure and to weigh
the need for justice now prevails
As grain by grain of sand is placed
upon those waiting scales.

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Go and do likewise…

** This pertains to many different times in my life..
 but mostly 6 months ago  to present...
and how some can't see past my "scarlet letter now" 
This is my testimonie of this situation in my life. 
This is not in anger or bitterness... this is my story... 
my story starting with a verse from Luke, Chapter 10

One occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

Yet he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Here is my loose translation of this passage found In Luke 1o:25-37

A girl was going down a life’s journey when she was attacked by various abusers for many years. They stripped of her cloths and innocence; beat her and went away leaving her half dead. After yet another heartbreaking event she became weary and sick…. She went for help and was abandoned by a place that said they would take care of her; left on the side of the road helpless and alone.

The Church happened to be going down the same road and when they saw this girl , they passed by on the other side. They left her knowing she curled up broken on the ground  and most were much too busy to help her. Much to concerned about her wrongs rather then her her broken-es…

So too, many friends, when they came to the place and saw her, passed by on the other side. Giving a few kind words but not offering to her the support and help she needed… just words as she lied there half dead. But a Stranger, not one of her own, had traveled by, came where the girl was; and when they saw her, they took pity on her. They went to her and bandaged her wounds, feed her, prayed with her; loved her with the love of God. They gave her a place to stay and took care of her despite the sacrifice that could and would come because they chose to be obedient to the greatest commandment; LOVE.

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Sometimes

Sometimes all you can do is pray that HIS army will rise up and slay this darkness…. Because I need to sleep… I need to function… I need HIS hiding place. I am so tired… so very very tired…

For anyone who believes in prayer… Let the church rise…

Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part III)

I can’t explain why I still trusted God throughout all of that… I just did. I couldn’t deny the reality of this God because I was mad at Him. I couldn’t deny His realness because I didn’t understand. I am too tired to get all scientific and theological with you. I am not wired that way. I do have a few friends on the other hand that are. So if you really need science and theology to prove it to you; I can send them your questions. I’ve asked them many!

I learned that love is a choice. Not everyone had to choose to love my God. I learned that love never fails. WHAT?!? LOVE NEVER FAILS? WELL THEN WHY IN THE WORLD IS MY GOD FAILING ME NOW IF HE LOVES ME SO MUCH????? I was a child!!! Love is a choice? Yes, love is a choice… not everyone chooses love. We were giving that choice of free will (more words but not now). Not everyone is going to want to love and do good. People choose not to love me. They choose to do evil things to me. They chose over and over and over again to steal my ability to even think. Time and time again they chose not to love me but time and time again my ‘friend’ never left my side. These monsters chose to hurt me because I live in a world were evil wants so bad to steal our souls away from God. They want to cloud our judgment on what is real by throwing lies in our face everywhere we go. I didn’t need science to prove when I feel and see the evidence of my ‘friend-God’

left in silence

Then there came a time when I remember hearing nothing! Nothing at all not even a feeling of the ‘wind’. I couldn’t take it. I still had to believe somehow even though my God was silent. …as well as this child.. She had to stay silent. I never felt so alone in all my life. I was silent, my God was silent. I didn’t talk for months and months. This once loud laughing, fast talking, and little singer stayed silent. Silent in the pain … and so did my God, silence surrounded me… darkness engulfed me and I became so severely depressed. I remember standing on the edge of the lawn that met the dirt road in front of our home; I was trying to find the courage to walk out in front of a car. I truly thought I was the only one who could protect myself from this darkness. I wanted life so badly but it was striped from me. I wanted to breathe again, to catch butterflies, to sing in the sun and laugh and laugh… but everything was silent.

I now believe that evil is evil and it is going to try to destroy anything in its way that holds a valid threat to bring light to expose their darkness; and sometimes it takes away the ability to hear or speak. It leaves you locked in silence.
these two songs say it better than I can explain.

Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part II)

If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.

There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?

I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now!
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I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.

Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.

I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126

So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)

...no more pain

This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?

This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!

She still lies trapped. I still am haunted. ‘we still remember’

(trapped little girl)
I live through you
I breathe only if you remember
The more you share
the more I die
I don’t want to leave you
Don’t make me go
Let me stay with you
the protector of my flesh
Keep breathing into me

(little girl now grown)
Oh your haunting needs to stop
you are forever in me
and forever I’m in you
Because of you
Every one leaves me stranded
forgotten. abandoned. left behind
I can’t let you stay another night
You need to go

 

You need to find the light
your place is no longer here tonight
you can’t stay with me
I’m filled with sorrow
as I’m bitter in my tiredness
and how It seems that I am
always being stranded
It’s time for goodbye
Each memory of you is keeping hope alive
it’s a dream that just can’t be
I need to let you go
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Protected: What I am thankful for…

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I am not yours, I am not mine

I am not yours
I am not mine
I was born in secrecy
Born among thieves
Born into a family where
addictions cradled me
and evil tucked me in.
Where the waves of the dark sea
sung to me lullabies each and ever night!

I was born into a family that was well acquainted with pain
Thrown in a cradle of addictions
My father an alcoholic
My mother an addict

And yet although both my mother and fathers’ addiction affected me
It was the my grandfather’ addiction
That would prove to be the root
of all the strongholds that have enslaved my life.

I am not yours I am not mine
And yet I was born to you
Born into your secrecy
And all of your thievery.
All of your madness has made me separate from loving you.

I may have my mother’s laugh
And my father’s passions
I may attempt at times to be a part of your genealogy
but will live my own legacy.
I may consider that a normal gathering is a desire of mine.
But when I think about all you have done to destroy me
I remember…

I am not yours
I am not mine
I was only allowed to be thrown into the storm that you created.
forced into a gathering of evilness
as you spoke against my creator
and stole my innocence
night after hell damned night!

Who am I

If I am not yours
And I am not mine
The question than lies
Than Whom do I belong?

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Worlds Collide

Summer nights
Full of fright
Her heart in her belly
Her mind… not ready to fight.
In flight she mentality soars
to the deepest part of a world
Where a hero lies
A hero that save her from the dark disenchanted world
where the monster lies in charge
and her bleeding body becomes his means of power.

In this flight
She lies in the mental safety
Where no fright enters her soul
Where her heart is free to fly with the butterflies
And her intellect free from the tortuous underworld
…safe within the silver lining – the safety net for her own shame
and horrendous acts of evil hands and evil games.

It is here in her imagination
that the monster can’t keep her from singing her melodies
where her laughter is embraced…
a cherished friend is welcomed…
the innocence of children play…
and fear is forever banished.

Yet it’s a shame that in her shame the worlds collide
And she is forced to choose.
Forced to stay grounded
Forced to stay beneath the silver lining
where a suspicious pattern of evil hands steal her value
and leave her less than whole
more than brokenhearted
And full of fear.

Her heart was left in flight.
Her hero now trapped beyond the protective layer
which only left her to the reality of gravity.
Fallen from grace and longing to go back
For once what was helpful
has now become dangerous in the healing of her soul.

Reality goes on trial.
She is forced to testify the unwanted memories
Yet knowing that her voice will make them less
does not make this heart of hers feel overly convinced.

Her soul will bellow out
in madness
and in sadness.
She will mourn the loss
of childhood…
Mourn her forbidden friend… her forgotten world.
She will mourn the death of her life that could have been!
And fear for the life that will never be…

Summer nights
slowly fade
Days full of fright
No longer can take flight
Her heart in her belly
Her mind…
somewhat prepared
Yet uncertain
Now hesitant for this necessary fight.

Admitting the reality
of what was
what is
and what will always be
Yesterday
Today
And tomorrow too…

“Another day…. another waiting game…  So I sing a lullaby to the lonely heart tonight.  I am fighting to believe.  I want to open up my eyes… I’m going stronger each day… letting go of my fear and doubt….  Fighting for love that I can’t see…. Just know that theirs a purpose…. for those who wait!!! The pressure makes us stronger… the struggle makes us hunger… the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it… !!  ~ Fireflight