Tag Archives: dreams

Dream Within a Dream (edited version)

Dream Within a Dream

Who is responsible for this girl?
Lost within a dream
Plummeting to the next obscurity
Caught within her mind that is now dreaming within a dream
Subconsciously searching for security

The only means to escape this life-mare, obnoxious
Is for the subconscious to look for another dreamer
One to find the key to her soul that has been locked within a box
A braver dreamer
One who dares to dream deeper
And there they will search for the secrete keeper
Break in and take back her name
Reveal the secrets to free her shame

.
Projections of her subconscious
creates a space to search for the rules
Rules that have cast spells for their main tool
To leave her hushed with faith unconscious
The feelings she carry are more intense
than this visual before her frame
From ones her attacked in ways so cruel
…And now, to save her name
She must play this game

.
.
.
Who is responsible for this girl?

Searching for her true identity
All these imposters, her name they borrow
Yes, to get her through the sorrow
The screams
The expectations
And dreams
Of the yesterdays and tomorrows

The new dreamer searches for this key
Hidden between the forged names
Buried amongst books
Books that created a library of a life filled with  alters from all ages
Her life wages
within the dream as it enrages

Who is responsible for this girl?

Dose she dare bring the subjects of evil into rem
Let their thoughts stem
as they sprout their secrets
to pave the way in finding her gems?
Steal them back from the ones who condemn!

However
though it may be able
Seeds that plant into the mind
changes everything.
Dreams within dreams are too unstable
A comeback she may not be prepared to bring
The possibilities of their sting

She is no longer just words in the book
But now thoughts that are shared
Here lays the new hook
No, it’s not fair
The dream is collapsing
They found her scared
Now impaired
Relapsing
Tempting to do what’s been declared

Who is responsible for this girl?

.

Is she dead
Or just lost within her head
Dreaming of dreaming
And in the dream dreaming again
Trapped

Where is the ‘kick’ to jolt her back?
Dreamer number two,
fall within another dream
They are invading her thoughts
Quick switch
Don’t get caught
Hurry, find her name

.                                                        …

~

Constructing a dream from your memory
Is the easiest way to lose your grasp on
What is real and what is the dream

Welcome to limbo
Where her name is buried
and reality and dreams are married
Searching for the key to uncover her name
The name that is stuck with in this dream
Accumulating toxic shame

Who is responsible for this girl?

I am I am responsible to pull her from the depths of these current dreams
Those dreams collided with the reality of childhoods pain and fears now extreme
It is I, who holds the forbidden responsibility
To find her (no not her… my)
To find my name.

~L

.

.

Free Write Friday’s and dVerse Pub (undercurrents)

Delaying Sundown

Delaying Sundown

It is as if everything leaves your body. Your soul is all that is left and you would do about anything to stay in a place so holy. Your mind starts ripping you back to your flesh, thoughts instigate an interference; you are slipping from glory. The senses…  intense. Concentration interrupted during the moment’s in-between and your mind fights to stay; yet the magnet of your disruptive thoughts lures you away. There are those fleetingly  glorious, travels, back to that inconceivable realm and for a split second…  you are just that soul once again.

Distractions, they pull you away, and you let them… although it seems like you are trying with every ounce of your being… your mind continues to battle for a place in this remarkable space. Judgments of self-worth leave you feeling unworthy of just being a soul… you give up on your fight; although your experience may have been mind-blowing; you let your mind stay with the views of obscurities. You’ve seen and experienced too much loss of hope. Your mind has let your soul slip out of that glorious sphere one too many times. Evil has tainted sanctity and now your mind believes, it is shame that deserves the stake in your heart.

To deserve to be in such a moment where all energy leaves, where you become weightless, where you are fully wrapped in a moment as your mind allows all logic and science to be placed on hold – while you experience fully being one with a force unexplainable; it is going to take much practice, self-love and a lot of faith… until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…

~L

-

– Until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…

I Will Paint You A Rainbow

I Will Paint You A Rainbow
By: ~L

If your rainbow becomes lost
I shall paint one for you in the sky

I will pull out my ladder
Use a magical brush
Paint you your hope
And bring to you love so lush

When skies are gray
and your moments are sad
I will passionately pray
For a promise to be made

You told me yesterday
“I’m your hope mommy”
And today I tell you,

You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
Please don’t take my rainbow away

There will be days when you too
Will feel your rainbow has disappeared
I will be there through and through
To be your artist in the sky
To give ‘my reason’ a hopeful view

~~~~~~~~
For my beautiful little girl who I call ‘my reason’

Poem Read by: ~L with a song to her little girl at the end.

the more I try the more it hurts…

Dark series #12 - the forest rouse

Image by Xavier Fargas via Flickr

Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world isn’t getting any better
The more we try to get
closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I’ve spent so many nights wondering when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I’m running the race but it seems too hard to win
I’m sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I’m calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart’s been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can’t take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left

Continue reading

entitled moments

Arresting Sun

Image by Fr Antunes via Flickr

There have been many moments in my 27 years of life that have been left untitled. For many years I did not care to name them… many of them were unnoticed and very forgotten for many years. I’ve been told that the many stolen moments in my life were very much entitled moments that were stolen away. Each and every moment in my life is what it is. Each present layer exists and I am hear to claim them as is… even the the ones that I desperately wish could be forgotten. They all belong to me.

I have learned much this past month. I have learned how important it is to feed the faith and starve the doubt. To be present and not let all the past and future moments steal the very present moment that I’m very much entitled to claim as my own.

I have also learned who my real friends are this past month. To them, I am very grateful for your prayers, cards and emails. They have meant so much to me! I am grateful to my husband who has shown me his commitment to us and how hard he has worked to make me feel special while I’ve been gone.

I would also like to thank a very important person who made the impossible happen… you believed in me when I could not… you pushed me when needed and if it was not for you I would not be sitting here in the very airport that 4 weeks ago I anxiously thought; “what’s the point”? Death was confident then and today I promise you I’m truly ready to fight for my entitled moments and make all the untitled moments titled. Thank You!

Recovery is a journey, a daily surrender and a forever commitment. I know I have many months of hard work…. but I shall not worry about the many months for now I will be in this very moment (pretty sure this moment is telling me to go eat something :) )… I’m not going to let moments pass me by. In this very moment I feel joy and an inner courage.

So to the little girl within…. let’s title those moments shall we…. we are entitled…. they were never meant to be theirs.

Stuck between worlds…

pulling hair out

Image by wstera2 via Flickr

Okay… whoever reads this blog must know by now that it’s been a battle between the world that I presently live in and the dark world I grew up as a child.   This past week has been very emotional for me.  As I am currently trying to make the right decision of what I should do.  My therapist wants me to go to a program for people who have gone through what I have and have good doctors to help me move forward.  Sigh!!!!!  This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I feel as if the weight of this past world is crashing in on me.  New memories flood my mind often and sometimes I can manage through them and sometimes I get so sick that if their was anything in my stomach it just comes back up.  Gross I know.

So here I am stuck in a moment like the great U2 song says.  I feel lost in what I should do, I feel lost in the memories that haunt my soul.  I can’t wait for church tomorrow… I need to a joy charge.. I hope I find it.  My ADHD mind is beyond lacking focus.  I am sure I am not making any sense.

What to do…  what to do….                                                                                                   

 oh…  can’t this decisions just be easier… I think it’s owed to me for it to be more simpler than this!  Does anyone realize how tired and weak I am.  Can someone take over and make  these decisions  for me?

Before the Morning

Before the morning comes
I have…
Prayed harder than ever
Fought a dark world
became entangled in the memories of a past long ago
cried
stared at the crack in the door wondering if “he” is really gone
tossed and turned
Prayed some more
wondered what it would be like if I could just utter half of what I dreamt aloud to anyone

Is it possible that someone would really care enough to know or help me understand?
I know it is a “job” of a therapist to help you… but do you ever feel they get sick of it or care only because they “have to” I mean I am sure they want to but… I don’t know…

I have this song for you all to listen too… hope you like it!

~L

I need to remember how God has been faithful…

I need to remember how God has lifted me out of the depths of darkness. I also need to remember that God has my soul in his hands and even thought my mind may be exposed for the darkness to creep in and try to destroy my present… he has saved me from the reality of what was… so I know my God can save me from the memories of once was and no longer lives. I am safe in His promises.

It’s hard to explain what I feel when the memories come flooding into my mind. I need to know that if God can save me from the grasp of an evil man then He can save me from the memories that no longer can harm me. I need some energy to fight. I have none…. I use it all during the night fighting the darkness away.

It has been a roller coaster of a ride for the past 4 weeks… not knowing what to do. Knowing that Bipolar is a for sure thing now seems sad, yet I’m relieved to know… now maybe I can get on the right meds and figure it all out… No one ever knows really what to do with me… what help is best and how to approach it… I wish someone would fight for me… how am I suppose to win this when I am so week? I need an advocate…. and why is it that I want to rely on an earthly help? Why can’t I just be content that God can be my advocate? Oh, boy???? I have too much going on in my brain and think I just need to slow down… a nap sounds good and I have only been up a few hours:(

Why did you take what was not yours?

You live in my throat
my chest, my belly.
Where you are, there is a lack of…
There is a pressure, a tightness… a blockage.

Where you are there is fear…
Shame, sadness, confusion.
Not knowing… not remembering
Why did you take what was not yours?

You wake in dreams,
and keep part of me asleep in life
Why did you take what was not yours?

You block my love, my courage,
my knowing, my serenity
you’re a stealer
you’re a barrier, a baisher
a ruiner a stainer…
All of a little girl who once understood.

You stole my innocence
Buried my memories
Stained my sense of purity….my wholeness
and went on to savage other little girls
Why did you take what is not yours?

You’re a thief in the night
collecting innocence with your perverted games
and leaving whats left to remain naked, ashamed and all alone!

Why did you take what is not yours!

The Real me!

I tell ya… I don’t know what to think about all that is going on. I started this blog so I could just be free and write exactly how I feel…. I emailed it to a few close friends and I thought I could be real… but I hate you all knowing how I really feel. I hate disappointing you.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am full of love… I care about a lot… if you hurt, I hurt… I have a compassion for hurting people… a love for those who need it. I wish I could love myself… but I just disappoint myself day after day. I don’t do it right… or enough… or just not at all. The nights come and I sit on the couch and think about why it is that I feel this way… how can I get out of this depression. I wonder what the night will hold for me. I pray, I read the bible… I listen to music… and then I go to sleep… I don’t own the dreams that steal my nights away… I wake with fear and I just sit up in bed and stare at the door and wonder what it was like to be her all those years ago. My face is well acquainted with the warm tears that stream down my face in the middle of the night. Some nights I get up and sit on the couch and stare into space.

I feel stupid feeling this way… embarrassed… I feel shame… and most of all I feel sad… sad and confused. I fought this once… and I thought once was all that was needed. It was explained to me like this by someone… if this was cancer and this was me getting it for the second time people would understand. They would feel bad that the cancer is back… they would comfort me and be here for me to help me… and I would not be embarrassed because I can’t help that the cancer is back… so it should be like this with my depression… the problem is so many don’t understand… they think that I can just get up and go enjoy life… just do it…. be strong. Would you tell that to someone with cancer… just get up… go to the gym… enjoy life… don’t sleep all day. I hate it! so…

So I hide…
I hide in the shadows of secrets untold…
hide in the fear that you won’t understand
…hide in the horror that it was real

I hate hating you
I fear that in hating you I have grown further away from God
I have begun to become a stranger in my own body
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know where to go
or what to say
or even how to begin.
Reaching out for help is hard to do…
being turned away is heart crushing…
wanting someone to understand is vital
and not knowing what to do is breathtakingly painful!

The tears that aquanaut my face in the darkest hours of the night
never cease to get easier
I beg heaven to send comfort…
I feel all alone and empty
just like she did when he left her abused and broken
all alone, confused and forgotten.

(sigh)

I have good moments
I have great moments
I have hopeful moments
moments of peace
even moments of joy

Yet it’s in these moments of heartache that seem to destroy my soul
the memories that linger in the never ending dreams, that grieves my soul
and watching her play takes me back to where it all began
and that is the hardest for me.
______________________________________

so here I am…writing to some of you who may know me and some who don’t. I am hurting. I feel lost. And through it all… I still have hope, and I am learning that it is okay to be sad right now. I just hope it is okay for you that I am just a little stuck for the moment…. and someday I will will be able to write a very happy blog post… but in till then maybe you can pray that tonight will be a good night for me.
Please take time to listen to this beautiful song! The words are perfect!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, ~L

Grounding myself in a new day

Yawn! Oh how I am sick of these interrupted nights. I wish the past would leave me alone… let me be. I am so excited that the sun is shinning. MI winters are awful! It may only be only 45 today but I am waring flip flops today! So I am going to try and write how I feel today after another stolen night and another hopeful day that is full of sunshine.

Tired
Nights stolen by haunted memories from a past long ago
Mornings come and carry determination
but my body is so tired to fight.
Its helps that the sun is shinning today.
I have hope inside my soul
it’s at battle with fear and hurt…
I wonder who will win today?
I am faced once again with a day full of uncertainty
But uncertainty is okay…
Determination to let the world’s backdrop
ground me into the beauty that God has surrounded me with
My nights may control me
but I eager to control this day
and today I am going to embrace the sun and have some fun:)

weird sleep

So I found that taking an Ambien to sleep is not going to mean I sleep well:(
The night was filled of racing thoughts and strange dreams. Dan woke me out of a nightmare again…
I woke up tense.. my shoulders, neck… my jaw…even my hands
I need rest….
one night…

just one night…