Tag Archives: blah

Silent Secret Screams

Posted on February 20, 2012 | 55 Comments

 Silent Secret Screams

I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin

I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!

My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak

Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail

This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the  forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME

I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness

In desperation,
 ~L

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Posted in Poems by ~L

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Untitled (I can’t title a moment if I don’t really know what ‘it’ is… it just is) Untitled

Posted on January 31, 2012 | 24 Comments

.

My mind is in a fog
and I seriously am crying
from the inside out,
shedding not a single tear…Drowning in a single mirror
from the outside in
as I dangerously am contemplating
My heart’s remaining years

~L

.

.
“Hold on”, You say… … “I’m trying… I really am”, she whispers

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Posted in Music is the heartbeat of my healing soul, Poems by ~L

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My Present Hour of Darkness

Posted on January 25, 2012 | 27 Comments

My Present Hour of Darkness
By: ~L

Pages and Pages
From all stages
From the small ages
To present as it engages

Left untreated
Secreted
uncompleted

Title a moment.
-pain
Title several moments.
-Inhumane

Leave me untitled
and call me Jane

There’s nothing left to explain
Nothing remains
It’s all in-vain
Everything remains…

.It’s vulgarly insane!

.

.

.

if you want to listen to ~L read poem…

if you want all of my heart….

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Posted in Poems by ~L, Random Blog Posts

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I Am Many

Posted on December 23, 2011 | 48 Comments

I am many
By: ~L


I am many
Stuck within one human body
Feeling the weight of each fear
Separate memories weaved
As they all Embody
Each tear
As nothing seems to be clear

It’s a confusing place
A reality I hesitate to face
A shame that no one will understand
What is trapped with in this vase

I skim life with hesitation
Worry I may fail
Dread I won’t live up to an expectation
Either to others
Or the me, and my many

Insecurities
Embarrassments
Shame – guilt
Sealed in her basement
That has despondently been built

Continue reading →

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Posted in Free Write Fridays, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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The Words Just Won’t Come…

Posted on November 7, 2011 | 4 Comments

I’ve seem to have lost the words

I’m not sure where they went…

Perhaps I’m discouraged that my depression is back and has spiraled into a pain that is unexplainable. I feel shame and guilt for feeling this way after two years of searching for wholeness and healing. What a disappointing fall. I’ve struggled with aloneness… and now that I barely write or blog… I feel like I’ve lost this community too.

I re-read many of my posts and say that’s exactly how I feel but whats the point of reposting them now? I don’t have many others that say it loud enough like:

PTSD – This is what it feels to me.

~or

Frozen

It’s just a mess right now… a discouraging and embarrassing mess. I’m trying to write… but the words just are not coming together like they used to…

missing you all

~L

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Posted in Healing one day at a time

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Friend Request Pending

Posted on August 22, 2011 | 8 Comments

I have sent many friend requests to sleep -
Yet sleep keeps ignoring me; thinking it
does not remember me.

Facebook logo

I know it’s been a long time…
But HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME?

Remember…
I was the one who liked you soooo much
I couldn’t get enough you…
and now you just forgot!

Sleep does not want to be my friend :\

Sleep???? :( I tried you for the past 6 hours:( I wish you wanted me as much as I wanted you:/

Friend Request still pending


(Ha! how is that for fluent sarcasm!) ;)

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Posted in Random Blog Posts

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Giving it a break… and it’s okay

Posted on April 9, 2011 | 5 Comments

As spring is nearing and I begin to feel a sense of a new direction in my life. I think I am going to spend my moments enjoying the short-lived warm and beautiful whether we have in the north. So, for all the time I spend writing posts I am going to exchange them for moments of outside time; beaches, zoo, park, and walks.  The hours that I spend at night staring at a computer screen is going to be replaced with an early bedtime and reading some books.

I suppose a part of me feels loss and sadness… but the other feels freeing to just take a break and enjoy the short-lived moments of spring and summer to the fullest with my girls. I think it’s a new chapter in my life; a necessary one.
Continue reading →

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Posted in Poems by ~L

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Slow fade. Slow recovery.

Posted on April 6, 2011 | 5 Comments

It was a slow fade.
It’s not to be mistaken for a quick recovery
A  painful fade that has lasted too many years
(I suppose the fade still lingers till all is revealed)

Each passing day was another day broken-down by fear
A slow destruction of a child
and the unexpected destruction of an adult…who never saw the wrecking ball as it restyled

All that has ever been compiled
has now been replaced with his violence and revile
All the present moments get swept away
Because all her once entitled moments
became and become untitled

Continue reading →

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Posted in Music is the heartbeat of my healing soul, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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God’s voice for the silent.

Posted on April 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

Matthew 27:15 American King James Version
But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Luke 17:2 It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.

Mark 9:42 GOD’S WORD® Translation
Mark “These little ones believe in me. It would be best for the person who causes one of them to lose faith to be thrown into the sea with a large stone hung around his neck.

I think their is a reason that It’s in the bible so many times. I don’t think I even have to say anymore on this. But I dare someone to argue this with me.

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To my faithful readers :)

Posted on March 17, 2011 | 8 Comments

To my lovely readers :)

Your ADHD ~L with many many words has too many words to make one post. I read yesterday on another bloggers post that creative people sometimes need some constraint to get some stuff done… that is what I need what now.

Can you guys help me out with that:) I have about ten ideas flying through my brain to share with you all but can’t nail it down to what needs be done first. So if you could be so kind to tell me what you want to hear… what do you think I should write about:) give some ideas…

Comment and let me know:) thanks guys!!

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1:00am: time is moving very slowly as fear is taken over me…

Posted on March 17, 2011 | 2 Comments

Fear is only in my mind
Fear is only in my mind
Fear is only in my mind

(problem is all memories are too…. Memories that are true…. Memories that remind me that fears rightful place is deep inside of me)

Numb
Fear is only in my mind

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Posted in Poems by ~L

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My ‘Mindfulness’ moment (that sparked my last two posts)

Posted on March 14, 2011 | 6 Comments

'The Face' - the I'm not going to do it face... the whatever you say face :)

Oh brother! Do you know how many therapists have tried to make me practice this ridicules thing called ‘mindfulness’ (I say that word out loud very sarcastically… with a face) “Sigh”, so here I am still fighting my way out of depression and putting voice to all the untitled moments.  As many or you know… it’s not been easy!

Well I joined this six month… oh yes, I said it… and you read it right; six month group that meets once a week to learn, (now using a very serious deep voice) Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) “dun dun dun dun…” :)  Don’t ask me what means because I still don’t know :)  I just know that I am supposed to learn how not to let my emotions interfere with my present life or something like that :)  One of the main skills we are taught is how to practice the art of being mindful (still talking out loud as I type very sarcastically) Maybe I should record myself talking and amuse you all with my wonderful sarcasm or I will just highlight in, hummm…. purple when I’m using a sarcastic tone. (now you’ll know) :)

Here it comes… time to swallow crow! I have come to learn for the first time in years that my stubbornness does not always win; and a few times I am faced with the reality that I am wrong :) The third experience of me doing this (because I had to… it was homework) It kinda worked. I think it worked because I actually tried. Funny how that works. (I’m cracking myself up here. I tend to talk to myself out loud lately… it’s been lonely)

Okay so I thought I would share my homework with you all. It is this Mindful moment that sparked a blog post I read over a year ago which you can read here and then I wrote a pretty good post about what reading this post and this mindful experience brought a huge moment of getting it.  You can click here to read my amazing moment:)

Home work:

Mindfulness Practice Reporting Form

Continue reading →

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Posted in Healing one day at a time, Random Blog Posts

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She still lies trapped. I still am haunted. ‘we still remember’

Posted on March 8, 2011 | 9 Comments

(trapped little girl)
I live through you
I breathe only if you remember
The more you share
the more I die
I don’t want to leave you
Don’t make me go
Let me stay with you
the protector of my flesh
Keep breathing into me

(little girl now grown)
Oh your haunting needs to stop
you are forever in me
and forever I’m in you
Because of you
Every one leaves me stranded
forgotten. abandoned. left behind
I can’t let you stay another night
You need to go

 

You need to find the light
your place is no longer here tonight
you can’t stay with me
I’m filled with sorrow
as I’m bitter in my tiredness
and how It seems that I am
always being stranded
It’s time for goodbye
Each memory of you is keeping hope alive
it’s a dream that just can’t be
I need to let you go
Continue reading →

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Posted in My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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Dear heartless gentleman,

Posted on March 6, 2011 | Leave a comment

Dear heartless gentleman,

If guilt was penniless my anger would have bitten into your flesh. My fingers would leave this haze of blistered purple and vicious blue around your neck. She had no choice. Your satisfaction took advantage of her ignorant innocence and the brokenness of a severely depresses girl. The moment your heartless actions faltered… you crept into her dreams with your mystical bliss.  You hid that little girl and she shut her green sad eyes that were finally telling what they witnessed … but your heartlessness locked her back in shame! You disgust me. This isn’t poetic. This isn’t brokenly beautiful…it’s a crime. A crime I never knew and was oblivious to. A crime that seeped into her blood and turned it to ice. Did you know she almost killed herself? Did you know that? Did you know that because of you she felt this was all she knew how to be. Did you know that she thought she wasn’t worth the fight anymore.

And then there is more??? Ugh! It makes me sick to know that I begged and stood so close to such evil!  “Once I was young and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the Godly abandoned or their children begging for bread” Psalms 37:25 ~You left a child of God begging for help and then abandoned.  Ouch… Not a very pleasant act to face our Maker. “For the Lord loves justice, and He will never abandon the Godly. He will keep them safe forever. But the Children of the wicked will die” Psalms 37:28 ~I heard that last line many times as a child… “the children of the wicked will die” I believed it all my life and still struggle not to puke as I read it now…. What evil it is to take GOD’s Holy Word and use it to shame a child.  And you… you have made her again, hold head down and cry many many abandoned sleepless nights and caused me to re-live all those lies over and over.

Continue reading →

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…and

Posted on March 2, 2011 | 4 Comments

And she fell…

But will rise again.
She is strong

Many tears…

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Posted in Poems by ~L

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