i have 13 open pages with 13 different posts started. At times I think that words can’t express what the soul is crying out. I have this fear that my world as I know it has stopped spinning and all the chapters have fallen from the sky right at my feet and I know… I know it all. …and I’m scared.
Here I stand in this empty field (literally) all i keep praying for is to feel a touch… a loving touch… a safe touch. I scream inside the same pleas. -If only a mother to hold me as I fall to my knees. a voice whispering wisdom as I exhale this heavy realness of pain.
Emotions here i sit in. and long for a peace that passes all understanding. and as I pray and grieve… and the peace does not come i feel unworthy and dirty and wonder why no one comes. wonder what it is in this moment that i am doing so wrong.
I feel as if my seemingly best-est of friends walk by this wounded girl and walk quickly by… the ones who see me hurting it’s just not in their time to understand… ugh… and some may try… but i don’t want to fake life… i need someone to hold me in this strife…. because it’s all coming together and it hurts… oh… how it hurts… i know we all have busy lives… but someone…
ahhhh… i am screaming inside! I clench my teeth in hate and disgust for the pattern of this madness… i feel so alone!
i reject this foolish emotion… and long to be free from this bondage.
have you ever wanted to be held so bad, by someone who will allow you to fall apart, that it hurts so bad that it is murdering your soul and all you can think of is screaming for help.
I just want to write… but all I can do is feel… and what my body is feeling is too much pain from the memories.
always frozen; never moving forward. These fleeting ‘happy’ moments are all just an illusion! …a deceiving game that tortures me into a hope… a hope that ‘someday’ I won’t be so stuck in this awful frozen sadness.
I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.
I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.
As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!
? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how? How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul? Do you know what you are asking of me at times? Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?
Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.
How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?
How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.
There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.
Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips. We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.
They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.
Remember, you’re (we’re) tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?
We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.
No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)
It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul“
To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;)
a quick history to this song…. it is heartbreaking beautiful! A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found…. it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”
Hold me light of the world
Love me… say you love me
and set me free
Sing me a lullaby as soft as you can
It will be all right. It will be all right
Sing me a melody as soft as you can
Rest tonight. Rest tonight
Hold me ‘Light of the world’
Love me… say you love me
and set me free
Sing me a lullaby as soft as you can
Tell me I’ll be all right. It will be all right
sing with angles in glorious harmony
Rescue me from it all. From the nights
Sing to me a lullaby Continue reading →
Despite the sorrow
Grief
Distress
And troubling times
I desire to persevere
Through the fear
waste
void
And the darkness that rears
With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace
Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…
The victory has already been spoken
In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?
To my heavenly Father
my heart yearns to come home to you today
to be held in the weightlessness of your embrace
Father I long for the day to be surrounded by your love
To see you face to face
My heart fills with an impatientness to reside with you
where tears no longer flow
and heartache is no more
with my Father who’s love is pure as snow
who’s love is faithful forever more
It amazes me to know how it came be
that I knew Your love was real to me
How time and time again you have held my right hand…
From the times I skinned my knee
to times when my left hand was bound with misery
There is nothing more I desire
Than to be home with you
———————————————————————–
To my Father who has raised me here in this world
My heart knows the love you have for me
Daddy, I long for the day when your heart will foresee
how much a daughter needs a daddy in this world
My God choose you to keep me safe from the raging sea
I grow impatient as I await for you to give to me the love I need
This is my deepest plea
Daddy won’t your come
Your words of encouragement throughout the years
have made me be the fighter I am today
it’s been said by many Continue reading →
I’m done asking for help. I’m done being a blog. (right) I’m done being sentences in a text. I’m done with rejection, with doctors that dismiss me and don’t even try…. Ive done With everything I was supposed to do.
I’m done standing in the aftermath alone and misunderstood!
Who am I? I don’t want to fight anymore… I’m too tired… I’m now done with my temper-tantrum :\
Sometimes all you can do is pray that HIS army will rise up and slay this darkness…. Because I need to sleep… I need to function… I need HIS hiding place. I am so tired… so very very tired…
For anyone who believes in prayer… Let the church rise…
sunny skies or clouds and storms... you are always there! ...even when you're miles and miles away...
It’s nothing new… so for all of you who don’t want the same old sob story you can stop reading. Tonight I feel to many things to sift through the mess of words and emotions.
I feel grateful for the many kind and thoughtful comments that i have received the past few days. I have felt important… like my words are not just thrown together and left a mess…. i really am thankful for that! I really hope that through my wine session that you still know that I am grateful for you, my readers and for the ones who do what they can… the best they know how:)
i have also realized that what I am going through is not a storm… not a lost soul in a raging sea… yes i once was there… but today i am standing on a pile of devastation, looking around at an aftermath of a storm that lasted too many years. Where do I start? I look around and it’s everywhere… what do I pick up first. What room do I rebuild… and how in the world can I do this alone. Someone anyone prove to me how one person could rebuild Katrina or Japan or Thailand… Ohio… the list goes on… how could one person re build with such a deviation. It took the unity of love and selflessness to come alongside brokenness and not look at race, sex, religion, status… past… sins… shortcoming… no one cares who you are or what you do when the world has just crumbled all around you. Where are you!!!?????!!! I don’t want to hear someone cheering for me in the distance… I want someone to love me.
The sky is gray
The leaves are blowing
The flower lies wilted on the ground
The birds are gone
Theirs no more singing
Till the floods have gone
And the storm withdrawn
The trail is lined with weeping willows
That whisper fury that has just passed by
Days are numbered with a great supply
Of rising waters that billow high
And the word moves on
And the nights grow cold
And winds blow strong
Against my soul
Take my hand and lead me on
As the thunderous storms prolong
Raging sky continues to perform
And the fury waters have found their home
I’ve become informed
By Mother Nature
To settle through as I transform
The lightning now faded
The prolonged thunderstorm paraded
I was left a bit jaded
As memories cascade upon debris
The fear has risen
Yet the healing is envisioned
The soil mourns
The hurt unfolds
The storm adorns
The aftermath and it’s long parole
Am I stuck here in these waters
Must I face it all alone
As the world moves on with their daughters
I tread these floods orphaned and disowned
The the world moves on
And the nights grow cold
And winds blow strong
Against my soul
Take my hand and lead me on
The wreckage of an aftermath
The aftermath brings the shock and the hard work to rebuild... the fatige has set in from weathering the storm... it's going to be a long recovery... but possible with love and strength. To rebuild alone... with years of damage is far to devastating. The unity of love must come...wont you come... IN THE AFTERMATH
The giggles of small children counting.
The temptation to sneak a quick look through their small fingers.
The excitement that rushes through them to hurry to find the ones hiding
And the burst of energy once they finally get to a hundred and shout… “Ready or not here I come”
The stored energy of the ones in hiding ready to burst at the seams…
Their breathing heavy from the pressure to find the “perfect spot”
The anticipation of the game…
And patience to remain still enough and not laugh
Being that quiet for that long is a hard job for an excited child :)
I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could have sunk into that floor.
To break logic and science and fall through solid matter as if it were sky.
I am sure I have prayed over a thousand times
That I could simply disappear into the ground that I laid upon.
Reality is…it was a cold hard floor that met my back
And as much as I would have liked to disappear beneath that foundation…
It never happened
The weight of their evil reminded my spine that this ugly truth
would only take something mystical to free me from this oppression
My skin…
It never forgets the temperature
Nor the grainy dirt that created friction between cement and body
My sense of smell…
It never forgets the affluent scent of fear,
Or the smell of cigarette smoke, sweat, and earth
My tongue…
It never forgets the taste of silenced words
or the mysterious metallic-like, nameless trace left residing in my mouth
My eyes…
They now seem unprotected once evil has been burned into my mind
The sight of his sadistic eyes and devilish smirk
It’s as if I were his heaven
And he was my eternal hell
My ears…
They hear the resounding lies as they echo in my mind
The sound of my heart beating,
The inner voice in my soul
And constant ringing of a phone
My spirit…
Lies broken once again
Hanging on to threads of truth
As it begs… begs heaven to break the rules just this once!
The cement, once again cradled this broken, naked, and humiliated body
Their obsessions seem to continue coming back to finish
I again tried breaking logic and reasoning with Mother Nature
Hoping that just maybe this time I would sink into the bed of mercy
I now lay night after night alone
I’m afraid to close my eyes
Every time I do the movie trailer of events
re-torture what is left of my mind
And again I lay here trying to rationalize with science and logic
Attempting to fall deeper and deeper into this bed
My skin can’t bear to connect with resistance
I seek a supernatural experience
A bottomless resting place for my back to lie
With hopes that just this once
I would be allotted to fall into protection
This time, tonight as I timidly lay my head to rest
I gently close my eyes, rest my hand lightly on my face
And envision it’s the safety of a protector.
As I fall deep into my bed
It’s as if I truly have become weightless tonight
I listen for your voice
And it comes
Without this image of shelter
All I would feel are the unwanted hands
I then fan the flame of imagination
Envisioning falling into a limitless bed of safety
It is in this reflection of this security
Where the whispers of relentless lies vanish
No visions of haunting eyes
The taste of terror is now disposed
…All in this seemingly simple voyage
Into a simple hand of shelter
Resting on my face
One never thinks to experience
being passionately desired
Obsessively ‘loved’
Fully attended to
As when one is the object of the desires
and passions of a person who loves to hate you
… who loves to destroy you
.. who is devoted in having power over you
…who takes thrill in mocking you in your helplessness
… who derives pure pleasure from your pain
..who takes delight in your fear
…whose eyes light up when you cringe?
..who worships in watching you shrivel into nothing before their eyes
…who fills up with a sick joy when you beg heaven
and are turned away from mercy
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
Funny, the way they think it’s supposed to be - lead by chic flicks and Kardashian romance that makes me giggle because to me, this thing called love is more than the tossing… Read More →
it swells then crashes down on top of anyone and anything lying in it’s path and burns and turns to ash inside a hollow chest where blood boils and rushes and beats and… Read More →
I will be taking a break from my blogging probably until sometime in the fall. I want to be able to put my effort into writing of another sort. Thank you all for reading and commenting. So until that next post I wish you all the best. - dh
There is pretty good research about the benefits of journaling for emotional well-being after stress, crisis, or trauma. The catch is (well, there are a few) it should be done at least twice a week for at least three weeks AND the writing needs to focus on expressing the most intense and painful emotions AND [...]
Our instinct for self-preservation is strong and seemingly automatic. And yet… And yet… There are times when even a creature wired for self-preservation can contemplate suicide. I want to die. I wish I were dead. I’d be better off dead. Then what? I should tell you that if you are currently feeling like dying, you [...]
i have 13 open pages with 13 different posts started. At times I think that words can’t express what the soul is crying out. I have this fear that my world as I know it has stopped spinning and all the chapters have fallen from the sky right at my feet and I know… I know it all. …and I’m scared.
