~L

I sang this song many, many times in my soul; guarding it from the evil that was surrounding my body and mind during so many moments of the blah blah blah moments of abuse as a child.

I tried so hard not to cry, but tears welled up in my eyes… I’m pretty sure they came from the deepest part of my being. The added line as a new twist to the song really hit me hard, It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul. I almost felt like falling to my knees. I felt such a rush of memories of countless times as a child singing this song while enduring the evil acts of such dark men.

Standing there singing was like a trailer to a movie, but sliced up and put back together in a fraction of a second frames and then played in my mind. The moment was so profound and powerful… but it was not the pain of the memories that choked me up… it was remembering how a safe shelter would surround my soul during those moments; sparing me from a total devastation. I saw not only pain but love. Powerless I was, but powerless He was not. Protection of body no, but protection of soul yes.

There are times when evil men can try to destroy one to the core… but there was always one thing they could never get to in me… and that was my soul.

The damage of my mind has to be the most painful of anything that they did to me. The body heals itself rather quickly compared to the length of time it takes to heal an injured brain. Brain trauma is one of the longest and most fragile recoveries. Trauma to the physical body is painful enough no doubt; it in itself can bring a mental beating to the mind at times.

In severe physical and brain trauma, wounds eventually heal on the outside, however in the mind it almost always lingers for far too long – the mental trauma added on top of the physical trauma is a wound not just cut deep, but severed completely, and then lost within the mind only to appear when a familiar moment peeks its memory. It’s then completely detached from other memories. It’s like a brain injury from a severe blow to the head can cause one from forgetting how to write, talk, move, etc. The neurons in the brain have been so disconnected from each other that the communication within the brain is blocked off. Sometimes by thin barriers and others by cement walls with double-crossing re-rod in it. It’s a process that requires a tremendous amount of will to heal. And some say that it takes the will of the soul to leak through the body to find the strength to connect the injured pieces back together.

Brain injuries are not healed the first time it blips on the radar of the conscious mind, but instead many times it re-traumatizes as its fibers are just barely attaching themselves to the conscious mind and now left to feel the pain all over again; pain that was never really felt in full, never grieved, never once aided to or cleaned. No physical therapy, or for that matter mental therapy. You’re fighting your way to just know what’s on the other side of that amnesiac freaking cement wall – some partially remembered and the others still needing to function, remain in a coma on life support waiting for the day to awaken to a whole new world but with their injuries of the past not realizing they have been stuck in time; I guess you could say.

The body often goes into shock; depression comes in waves along with moments of courage to overcome. When working with a train wreck in the mind, it takes awhile to find the right railroad spike -so to say, that fits the right plate. And it’s not the doctors who can truly even find it… They of course are there for a huge reason with their aid, wisdom and experience; they help you find it yourself. They help build your strength first, make sure vitals are stable, and then see if it’s safe to do the therapy etc…

The me:

The subconscious is always running in the background; shattered pieces remaining in a coma, some leak out from time to time causing a disruption to the present life with past ways of thinking, coping, emotions, and so on. It’s almost like the Layla you all know at times went on a 10-20 minute mini mind coma while a shattered piece partially took over, not knowing about the life I have now; or perhaps knowing enough to walk in the “current year Layla’s” shoes but brought the damaged trauma of the past; un-grieved, unaided to, completely frightened and stuck in the past thought process with her. I look back on the past and it’s like I can see myself watching through a store window at my life sometimes. It’s like re-winding time a bit and watching myself go in and out of mini comas and then there is the occasional vacation from reality for way to long.

As a whole, there is some intense mental therapy to be done to aid the healing of my injuries. There too is a lot of spiritual strength needed to guide me through. There is much soul-searching that has to be done continually. Praying and seeking the ultimate surgeon (God) for His guidance and wisdom.

I read this once and it’s stuck pretty deep within me:

“We may bring hardship on ourselves through our mistakes or our own sin. hardship may be brought to us by others or through the impersonal presence of evil in the world. There is one thing all hardship has in common. It lays us out and opens us up for something to be taken from us… -a dream, an object, our health, our mobility, our privacy, or security… -a freedom, a pleasure… -a person -a relationship, our social standing… -a wrong priority, a poor emotional investment, an attachment, a selfish ambition, a cherished view of ourselves, a lifestyle that competes with God’s intention for our lives…

But, something will be removed and we will have to live without it; sometimes TEMPORARILY and sometimes FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. There IS a recovery period, a risk of infection, the possibility of complications. The longer and more invasive the surgery; the harder the recovery.

Fight for recover. Fight infection. Fight to avoid complications. But don’t fight the Surgeon.

The soul can be injured, sure; however, severed, no. It can never be severed as long as you guard it with truth. Truth is His beautiful word. Through song, prayer or time of reflection. Speaking, singing, or reflecting His word is the sword to guard our soul. That my friends is why they never severed my soul… damaged at times… but never severed it. I didn’t always guard it either. Thus some pretty intense setbacks, injuries, moments of disbelieving I had a surgeon who really cared that I was suffering. Most of the songs I sang were words either inspired by scripture or scripture turned into song.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

An inspired write after listening to, “It is well with my soul” a dozen times

When a stillness, like a calm river, comes my way,
When sorrows like a raging sea toss and sway;
Whatever my situation, My God has taught me to say,
It is safe, it is safe, within my soul.

Yes, Satan and his evil will beat my flesh and mind,
Suffering will continue throughout time
But let this set apart promise from God be the power over the evil that binds.
And although it may not seem, it is so, that Christ was weeping when I was confined
With a powerless escape of such sinful men, afflicted by the grip of evil and men intertwined.
My God grieves when I am in infliction. But too, He rejoices for my soul.

Trials many times have seem to suppress
And although they inflict great sorrow and pain causing my mind painful distress
I must hold on to His promise that my soul is sheltered by a strong and mighty Fortress.
This is assured because of the cross and His beautiful exchange for the protection of my soul.

It is only because of that beautiful exchange and my acceptance of such a love;
that my soul could ever possibly sing such words to my God

It is well, it is well; THROUGH THE STORM I AM HELD; it is well, it is well with my soul.

~L

It’s a train wreck in my mind.
Devastation floods.
However… total devastation has not severed my soul.
It is safe within my soul…

A video that sums it all up —> watch?v=BhEgS37Wxew

but none from us…
we were never aloud to cry.

Not even worth a goodbye

And off she goes… fighting for her tomorrow;
It doesn’t take her long to hide the sorrow.
While we remain in today
stuck within this shell we borrow.

I miss writing.  It’s been hard to form poetry lately.  I am grateful for your patience as I am unfolding a new chapter in my life.  This is my poem to you. 

As I struggle to reach deep within myself, I am finding that creating my outlet creatively is coming through with making these Video-Poems. 

This is my heart and soul… honestly and vulnerably pouring out…    I share it with you today….

The hardest Video-Poem to date…

Perhaps just sometimes the story… finds the story teller
not the other way around

She existed because she dreams
She dreams no more

It’s in the pages
It’s in the words

Search with me
And perhaps you or I will find who is telling the story

She’s been bleeding along time
suffering in poetry and prose

The dreamer will dream no more
The pen has been laid to rest

It’s already been said

Video Poetry
By: ~L

~L