Pages and Pages
From all stages
From the small ages
To present as it engages

Left untreated
Secreted
uncompleted

Title a moment.
-pain
Title several moments.
-Inhumane

Leave me untitled
and call me Jane

There’s nothing left to explain
Nothing remains
It’s all in-vain
Everything remains…

.It’s vulgarly insane!

.

.

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if you want to listen to ~L read poem…

if you want all of my heart….

You’re on the other side of this wall, aren’t you?
It doesn’t matter how thick… it’s extent
I still feel your green eyes penetrating through
Weaving around double-crossing re-rod
Wondering, can they ever be bent?
Her quite prayer’s to God…
Have they already been spent?

The cold air has left the feeling of déjà-vu
Is it you in the air…
or is it my guilt and its crew?
True or false
I feel it though
And whoa!
Don’t they think they’re the boss!

.

I’m worn-out with all the trying
Trying to let me let you speak
Here I leave you stuck in poetry and pros
Writing on pages, Dear Diary…
then keeping you closed
It’s not effective, I know

I want to scream you out
I want for you
to believe your words can be heard
That you have that right to title your secrets
I just keep striking out
My word!
My voice is incredibly slurred!

I’m afraid I’m not brave
I’m terrified
Shame – a title wave
Fear- classified
Maybe it’s not always a blessing we survived?
Just maybe it would’ve been  better to title a grave
Others judge what they see?
Yet, I’m the one living with she

There are places in this mind,
that I have never been able to find
That is where you lie, isn’t it?
In such pain confined
You’re trapped there, aren’t’ you?

.

You speak to me in dreams
Remind me in cold air pleas
You try to tell me in the energy
Under the full moon – it’s extreme

…It’s déjà vu, isn’t it ?

It’s hard to love myself
When I abandon such a small child
Keep her on a dusty dark shelf
On the other side of a wall, feeling reviled
There is no guarantee to know
if it’s safe to come out and breath?
I don’t know sweetie…
I honestly don’t know

.

And as I keep trying
You keep crying
Wondering
If heaven’s been packed away
While we just keep dancing
in a homicidal ballet

~L

..

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*Dance in the dark, picture credit to – lown_c with flicker. Click on picture to see more of this talented work.~

The most perfect song that finishes the words I can’t find… a complete to this post … “baby ballerina, is hiding somewhere in the corner”…

It is as if everything leaves your body. Your soul is all that is left and you would do about anything to stay in a place so holy. Your mind starts ripping you back to your flesh, thoughts instigate an interference; you are slipping from glory. The senses…  intense. Concentration interrupted during the moment’s in-between and your mind fights to stay; yet the magnet of your disruptive thoughts lures you away. There are those fleetingly  glorious, travels, back to that inconceivable realm and for a split second…  you are just that soul once again.

Distractions, they pull you away, and you let them… although it seems like you are trying with every ounce of your being… your mind continues to battle for a place in this remarkable space. Judgments of self-worth leave you feeling unworthy of just being a soul… you give up on your fight; although your experience may have been mind-blowing; you let your mind stay with the views of obscurities. You’ve seen and experienced too much loss of hope. Your mind has let your soul slip out of that glorious sphere one too many times. Evil has tainted sanctity and now your mind believes, it is shame that deserves the stake in your heart.

To deserve to be in such a moment where all energy leaves, where you become weightless, where you are fully wrapped in a moment as your mind allows all logic and science to be placed on hold – while you experience fully being one with a force unexplainable; it is going to take much practice, self-love and a lot of faith… until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…

~L

-

– Until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…

Child’s faith I once embraced
Along this path it’s been misplaced

Here I lie in a memory of red
awaiting bravery to move ahead

I’m afraid of a dark code
that lingers on this yellow brick road

It’s not that easy to click your heels
and just go home and heal

God if you’re listening…

Hold me by a thread if you must
as I learn to grieve and trust

Courage, wisdom and heart I need
This would be my greatest plea

I miss Your sacred touch
To the heights of the Heavens – that’s how much

~L

“God, I am in awe of the beauty of Your nature that surrounds us… It’s as if you opened up the heavens and sprinkled beauty so pure for us to marvel at such a wonder.  We, who are poets, writers,  photographers,  and artists; we strive to create words that express…  capture pictures to illustrate and paint stories to convey.  And yet You, with one breath, dust beauty among us ”

Here I stand looking into the heavens, and knowing, that this is the God who spoke light and divided darkness, placed the stars in the heavens and painted sunsets that take our breath away.  We could never come close to capturing the beauty of His artistry. To be able to illustrate as He has -  no mortal man could compare.  So here I stand amongst these trees, lifting my hands; captured by His grace and cleansed with His mercy, as it washes this unworthy soul white as snow.

Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes

My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory

~
My eyes have grown sad
As you’ve reminded me I am  less
Punish me for my sickness
In order to protect your Mossad
I have abandoned myself
In order to please you
It is high time I address this mess
And place this mask upon this shelf.

You may tell me you love me
Yet when I peel back this mask
Some will see your love is unjustified
You never ask…
too quick to dismiss
naive to this task
You have betrayed me with a kiss

You avoid my face
Punish me… forgetting grace
Seemingly I am undeserving of mercy
Gutted by your betrayal
My secrets are not the holy grail
It’s not your job to protect them
justice should not be derailed

I’m terrified to fail
Is the aftermath too gruesome to bear?
My childhood trauma too much to share
The recent shock to sickening to speak
Am I too frail
too much to inhale

You have seemed to pick up a mask yourself
You look at my face and can’t comprehend
Speak to me as if nothing happened
I am speechless myself
You remain silent, is it easier to pretend

What are you afraid the world would see
by loving me?
What do you think the world will perceive
by knowing all of me?
Will they realize the masks you preconceive
have devastated me?
Will they forgive my own mistakes?
draw a line in the sand for me?
What would they feel knowing the heartbreaking aches
from the torment that became of me?
What would they believe when they hear my sins trumped a disgust
that bruised me?
Perhaps they will wonder why judgment has been so unjust
and mercy never covered me?

I hear my creator whispering,
“Be free
I have a legacy
For thee
Peel back the mask
I know it’s a task
You have a face“
(Oh wait… I have a face)?
“Yes, My child I created you just the way it’s meant to be

Open your voice
sing as you may:
Beneath your feet stand up to the day
Let the world
dream otherwise
don’t let them get in
your way

Never bow your head in their shame that sways
Don’t abandon who I made
you to be
Remember I made you
this way

My grace covers you
My mercy saturates
your mind
My spirit guides you
Listen to my voice
Come into my hiding place
Let me see the beauty of your face

See the beauty of the day
I have created a world for you
Just like I have created you for the world

You have a face
I will keep you safe
Remove the mask
Live at last
You have not been misplaced

Say it with conviction”

“I have a face”

Poem Reading –
I refuse to be faceless any more to the world… I’ve removed the mask of shame and fear. This is the perfect song for this poem… if you have time… I hope you enjoy…

If your rainbow becomes lost
I shall paint one for you in the sky

I will pull out my ladder
Use a magical brush
Paint you your hope
And bring to you love so lush

When skies are gray
and you moments are sad
I will passionately pray
For a promise to be made

You told me yesterday
“I’m your hope mommy”
And today I tell you,

You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
Please don’t take my rainbow away

There will be days when you too
Will feel your rainbow has disappeared
I will be there through and through
To be your artist in the sky
To give ‘my reason’ a hopeful view

~~~~~~~~
For my beautiful little girl who I call ‘my reason’

Poem Read by: ~L with a song to her little girl at the end.

~
She lived in the fairy tales
A world she had to learn  to leave behind

Narnia now trails
And she’s much too old
to set a sail
To play make- believe
is  now only naive

“Never – Never Land”
is never to be restored
Her enchantment lingers
no more
She’s gone back to reality  forevermore

~

The time has come
to bury this castle
Time to sail away
Say goodbye to her hero
and  bid farewell to the magic
Reality…. it’s tragic

Time to face the ugly truth?
To speak out loud the proof?
Healing is in voice?
Violence must be muttered
This child speaks and flutters
As she’s ripped from the only security ever known

So many goodbyes to the magical world that sheltered
Too far to reach … too far it seems
Never, never, and never again, shall it be
That this beautiful land will again
experience the innocence of laughter
where children never grew to know the pain of the World below
The World that carries a curse of oppression that takes childhood away.

Sometimes I wish I could
go back and fly to
“Never-Never Land”
Where the innocence
of children play.
Where the sun always shines
Time never ticks
and she never became sick.  Where hearts sing amongst the wind and a brave hero with courage fought her evil pirates away

To dream again of an enchanted world Where love and hope swirl …and a
Fairy brings her magic with pixie dust
to keep beneath and bind their lust!

Oh , if I could make such a wish
for just one more  flight
One more fly to “Never Land”
Where never hands
of old and evil aren’t stealing innocence.
No swords to harm and scar…
Only the safety in each shooting star…
in the protection of this world afar

I’ve lost that child-like faith
Sunrises seem to have washed away
Shooting stars have became more or less
like balls of fire crashing down
into her mess.
There’s nothing left…
her world now becoming less
It’s time for me to confess
“This world … was just a silly dream”

I’m tired of waiting for you to come back
I’m tired of looking foolish
You are on every page of my imagination.
Please don’t go! I’m frightened.
A glimmer of hope makes me still believe…
yet sure enough there is all that logic throwing reality in my face

He has invaded her safe place!
Why was he allowed to find me there?
I thought I could hide in Heaven’s lace
each memory now is traced
and safety is  erased

My head now hangs in shame
And block by block  I count them down
Who is left to blame?
My wall has fallen in his game

No more fairy tales
It was all a trick
She’s now curled up in a ball
Fighting the release of it all

No one to fight for her
Protection now torn
trust no more
Trapped here in their lust
I was almost there
Her voice spoke very few
Tears carried scars so true.
Perhaps they were her own magic
Her own courage
Underneath a protection
She spoke the tragic

I was almost there

Someone’s stolen her pixie dust and took away his sword
You killed his ghost
and  left me at most
on the dirty floor as you boast
“No more magic
forever tragic
no counting blocks
for the love you had is mocked”

Wishing… pleading again… begging reality…. I can’t accept…. I don’t know how
Bring back to me my courageous friend
Bring back the rivers filled with love that never ends
Where lights beamed from sky
and hope shined through the rising tide

    It’s time to bury the castle
To put to rest the imaginative little girl.

Time to say goodbyes
No more magic
It’s time for logic
It seems too tragic
To bid Farewell
And think all is well

~L

Every time I hear this song I think of how I had to leave… It’s been my favorite song for years!

Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end.

Deep within the soul of a man
Dark and controlled – unthinkable

The need to measure and to weigh
the need for justice now prevails
As grain by grain of sand is placed
upon those waiting scales.

Pound for pound – ounce for ounce
eye for eye and tooth for tooth.
Measured, meted, sifted out
searching for what is true

Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end

Justice soon demands its due
and then becomes a dire need!
Upon my knees I fall once more
Holy Spirit, Intercede!

Break apart the darknesss
That dwells within my mind.
Break the hardness in my heart
and bring to me Your rest

Send your army Lord I pray
Fight the dark ones that seek to prey
I am weak and need Your peace
I search a place so holy tonight

Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end

Forgiving you was something I thought I would never do
Loving you was something that was crushed by disgust
Blaming you for it all became a tattoo
Appalled by the way you lived in disgust
And how you buried your head in the sand when you knew

For the first time this past year
I realized mom, that you have always loved your daughter
That you did the best you could in the unfathomable waters
Hiding the pain you felt in your high as you feared
It was the only way to survive the flooded dysfunction so severe

Your alcoholic husband and his spontaneous fits of rage
Were followed by the Two A.M Bar closing s inebriated
With his arrival back home the bomb had been detonated
His ego and control became his useful and intoxicating stage
And now this hot tempered man became exceedingly animated

As your four babies would be sleeping at such an innocent age.
Your heart breaks and wonders if just maybe tonight there’ll be peace
His performance has progressively engaged
And darkness has increased
another moment full of shame had been written down on a page

Surrounded by tremendous responsibilities
Trying even when trying seems like nothing at all
Baby wakes up in the middle of the night down the hall
Toddlers up at the crack of dawn
And a teenager sneaking in from being out all night long

All your life it’s been such a difficult challenge
An incredibly sinister upbringing
A generation’s lingering curse and its mess
Then you have your own damaging behavior
You felt you had to in order to get through all the wickedness

It truly was the valley of the shadow of death

There came the time when evil prevailed
And your little girl took your place
The faces came back and ghosts trailed
You left reality … Inhaled
Numb and subdued as the drugs erased

And to make it all worse you watched in fear
As your daughter dredged right through the same demonic waters
Flooded with flashbacks from all those horrendous years
It paralyzed your mirror
Because that reflection was a field of demons
And all your hazy eyes saw were a bed of roses

A piece of survival-denial you dished out
It got your through all diverse types of abuse
And though it’s not an excuse
I now see you more clearly
You too needed to be spared
I understand it was all you could do to prepare

This Christmas I allowed myself to love you
I choose to understand you the best I could
I felt the connection between us and knew
My childhood was not okay
But the love that you have had… It’s enough for me to say

Mom… I forgive you

                  ~L