Although I am learning to break free from this depression… there are still many days where this post is very much alive in me… also there are many days where I take notice the warning signs and become effective in being skillful and noticing that the depression is there but not forgetting that there are moments around me to take notice and find a moment that IS good. I posted this as a page because I at times wonder if others too can relate to this. I am still on my healing journey…. this post below is how depression feels to me.
~Depression and a Search For The Cure To The Pain~
As I sit here un-showered for three days now, I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions that lay within even matter? I question because there is a real world that is going on and I’m just pathetically stuck watching out my one-way mirror while I hide in the shame and fear of too many regrets. I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.
Depression, it feels like a tremendous amount of pain that has crawled deep with in your muscles as it weights your shoulders down and then wraps itself around your neck and into your head. Its close friend, anxiety lurks in to take a turn; it grabs your chest and with its burning hands it squeezes any remaining comfort right out of you. It begins to hurt just to breathe… thus you battle that pain and breathe shallow, thinking your now, panicked heart, won’t hurt so bad if you don’t breath so much. Your soul becomes heavy, weighted down by the hopelessness and only because hopelessness has proven itself true over time, doubt begins to grow and your faith becomes starved. You now sink further into the grasp of this persistent darkness; depression has taken up residence and feels it is here to stay.