I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
no longer can I withstand to inhabit this skin
I desperately grieve
for this agonizing energy to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!
My body is in great agony!
How long must this go on?
I am falling – I am weak
I am sick of being incomplete
This fear won’t let my mind speak
Too much pain to even gasp
these silent screams too much for one to grasp
there is nothing left but to collapse
as tears now trail
their threats never prevail
This is Hell on earth
I am extremely certain
behind this curtain stages Satan’s lingering flames
His relentless games
and fear has set a blaze to every single nerve!All as I am drug across another day
where the shards of glass continue to rip open my flesh
as I bath in the salty sea as it floods
with the forever-spilling of my blood…
waiting for sharks to attack –
because as long as I’m a bleeding beating drum
THEY WILL COME
I am burning in pain with excruciating silent screams
desperately trying to
break free from the silence
of unending sadness
and increasing madness
In desperation, ~L (A confused and broken daughter of God)
at times i wish my childhood faith would take me back but it’s been locked with in the box and for many years I have hinted with poetry and pros not even knowing the difference but none the less writing in code.
Who is responsible for this girl?
Lost within a dream
Plummeting to the next obscurity
Caught within her mind that is now dreaming within a dream
Subconsciously searching for security
The only means to escape this life-mare, obnoxious
Is for the subconscious to look for another dreamer
One to find the key to her soul that has been locked within a box A braver dreamer
One who dares to dream deeper
And there they will search for the secrete keeper
Break in and take back her name
Reveal the secrets to free her shame
. Projections of her subconscious
creates a space to search for the rules
Rules that have cast spells for their main tool
To leave her hushed with faith unconscious
The feelings she carry are more intense
than this visual before her frame
From ones her attacked in ways so cruel
…And now, to save her name
She must play this game
.
.
.Who is responsible for this girl?
Searching for her true identity
All these imposters, her name they borrow
Yes, to get her through the sorrow
The screams
The expectations
And dreams
Of the yesterdays and tomorrows
The new dreamer searches for this key
Hidden between the forged names
Buried amongst books
Books that created a library of a life filled with alters from all ages
Her life wages
within the dream as it enrages
Who is responsible for this girl?
Dose she dare bring the subjects of evil into rem
Let their thoughts stem
as they sprout their secrets
to pave the way in finding her gems?
Steal them back from the ones who condemn!
However
though it may be able
Seeds that plant into the mind
changes everything.
Dreams within dreams are too unstable
A comeback she may not be prepared to bring
The possibilities of their sting
She is no longer just words in the book
But now thoughts that are shared
Here lays the new hook
No, it’s not fair
The dream is collapsing
They found her scared
Now impaired
Relapsing
Tempting to do what’s been declared
Who is responsible for this girl?
.
Is she dead
Or just lost within her head
Dreaming of dreaming
And in the dream dreaming again
Trapped
Where is the ‘kick’ to jolt her back?
Dreamer number two,
fall within another dream
They are invading her thoughts
Quick switch
Don’t get caught
Hurry, find her name
. …
~
Constructing a dream from your memory
Is the easiest way to lose your grasp on
What is real and what is the dream
Welcome to limbo
Where her name is buried
and reality and dreams are married
Searching for the key to uncover her name
The name that is stuck with in this dream
Accumulating toxic shame
Who is responsible for this girl?
I amI am responsible to pull her from the depths of these current dreams
Those dreams collided with the reality of childhoods pain and fears now extreme
It is I, who holds the forbidden responsibility
To find her (no not her… my)
To find my name.
~L
.
.
Free Write Friday’s and dVerse Pub (undercurrents)
They’re hidden in each block
An embarrassment of unspoken evils
They’re embedded in brittle rafters
One way conversations
Burned by her transferred thoughts
They’re hanging in dark corners
Clinging in dusty webs
Spun by small witnesses
They’re contained in rusted pipes
The echoed screams that are silenced
An accomplice
to the removing of her mind
They’re corroding in a floor drain
Collecting guilt and shame
Growing the fear over many long years
They’re trapped by a 1×2 porthole
Where the fire of hell has welded shut the seal of hopeThey’re engrained in the ground
The spilled innocence
of evidence
They’re trying to fight their way out
Bound in a chest by brutal ropes
Holding them from freedom… they say – there is no leaving
. They’re are secrets . .… , They are mine
I’m working on to taking back the embarrassment
Embedded in each lying block
Realize the need to dig up the years
Stained within a cold-blooded floor
To flush out the pain and start taking back my mind
It has no place remaining in a filthy drain of shame
I want more than anything to break the seal of bondage
Shatter the glass of despair
One day to your face
I hope to sweep away the cobwebs
Fearlessly burn words into your brittle rafters
Then watch you cave
As your building of secrets come crashing down
I want to remove your power over me
Remove the guilt that has grown for years
It was never mind to keep
Here you go…
place it in your drain to grow
In your new dwelling place
Your 6×8 cell of shame
I want justice
to seal away your harm…
and if it was hell you wanted
here you go
One day, it will come
and then it will be your turn Count them up – one by one
Each block of embarrassments
as they’re there to remind you…
They’re…
They were secrets
They’re to be secrets no more.
~L
Titling the untitled one by one… I’m entitled – They’re What they are…
My mind is in a fog and I seriously am crying from the inside out, shedding not a single tear…Drowning in a single mirror from the outside in as I dangerously am contemplating My heart’s remaining years
~L
.
.
“Hold on”, You say… … “I’m trying… I really am”, she whispers
I hide my face that grins and lies
Behind a mask to disguise
There she cries
In the shadow of their religion
I have been uninvited
Torn and bleeding
As they pass on by with their tries
Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes
My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory
If your rainbow becomes lost
I shall paint one for you in the sky
I will pull out my ladder
Use a magical brush
Paint you your hope
And bring to you love so lush
When skies are gray
and your moments are sad
I will passionately pray
For a promise to be made
You told me yesterday
“I’m your hope mommy”
And today I tell you,
You make me happy when skies are gray You’ll never know dear how much I love you Please don’t take my rainbow away
There will be days when you too
Will feel your rainbow has disappeared
I will be there through and through
To be your artist in the sky
To give ‘my reason’ a hopeful view
~~~~~~~~
For my beautiful little girl who I call ‘my reason’
Poem Read by: ~L with a song to her little girl at the end.
~
She lived in the fairy tales
A world she had to learn to leave behind
Narnia now trails
And she’s much too old
to set a sail
To play make- believe
is now only naive
“Never – Never Land”
is never to be restored
Her enchantment lingers
no more
She’s gone back to reality forevermore
~
The time has come
to bury this castle
Time to sail away
Say goodbye to her hero
and bid farewell to the magic
Reality…. it’s tragic
Time to face the ugly truth?
To speak out loud the proof?
Healing is in voice?
Violence must be muttered
This child speaks and flutters
As she’s ripped from the only security ever known
Forgiving you was something I thought I would never do
Loving you was something that was crushed by disgust
Blaming you for it all became a tattoo
Appalled by the way you lived in disgust
And how you buried your head in the sand when you knew
For the first time this past year
I realized mom, that you have always loved your daughter
That you did the best you could in the unfathomable waters
Hiding the pain you felt in your high as you feared
It was the only way to survive the flooded dysfunction so severe
Your alcoholic husband and his spontaneous fits of rage
Were followed by the Two A.M Bar closing s inebriated
With his arrival back home the bomb had been detonated
His ego and control became his useful and intoxicating stage
And now this hot tempered man became exceedingly animated Continue reading →
~I came across a beautiful blog, Magic in the Backyard. I’ve been struggling to put words to some thoughts and emotions that I want to just speak. After reading her challenge for “Free Write Fridays”… I was inspired and determined to let my words flow… and not worry what one would think or how it looks, spelled, or flowed… just to write from the depths of me. Here is the link to what I read. (Free Write Fridays)
I am many By: ~L
I am many
Stuck within one human body
Feeling the weight of each fear
Separate memories weaved
As they all Embody
Each tear
As nothing seems to be clear
It’s a confusing place
A reality I hesitate to face
A shame that no one will understand
What is trapped with in this vase
I skim life with hesitation
Worry I may fail
Dread I won’t live up to an expectation
Either to others
Or the me, and my many
Insecurities
Embarrassments
Shame – guilt
Sealed in her basement
That has despondently been built
I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow
Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief
She’s searching a valid response
if she may
A conclusion of love
at the close of her day
A support to understand
While she takes the time to plan
Please don’t misunderstand
For she has not gone astray
She is now just finding her way
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She is burdened by much uncertainty
So much frustration of doubt and insecurities
She prays for one to understand
It seems the unavailability
For her security
Is not in demand
She longs for stability
To hold her tight in her humility
For she can’t seem to find the energy
to battle all theses demons and her impurities
She’s running at such a disgracing pace
With shame she hides her face
And asks how
How is it that she has come to this disenchanted place
And how could God allow
Allow these demons to embrace
these memories that retrace
She’s doing the best in the midst of this fear
the hours of darkness have been so surreal
She seeks a place of protection
Where she can feel a safe connection
A place to bring direction
Not perfection
Just a place for reflection
From all the evil evil years of disconnection
I have demons screaming in my mind
Ghosts of past haunting present time
My soul seems to be in a bind
and prayers have been denied
Oh, how I tried to trust…
To be faithful and not blind
This body has been too abused
And the night has been consequently unkind
Courage has been declined
My whole life has been entwined within
an atrocious crime
The clock has chimed
This one last time
When I can’t find the words to verbalize I capture it behind a camera that implies Paint you a color to realize Give you a song to reprise and though it’s not direct, I have generalized The story within my eyes
If the saying is true that a picture is worth a thousand words Then this is just another way to construe And the saying let my words be few Is just another point of view
It would leave many of you with a chill To know those thousand words in one still It would pull back the clouded vision From the ones who think they understand the drill! Perhaps then some would discern they truly haven’t been displaying a goodwill.
~L
That's A Bright Idea...
I wonder what would happen If I literally combined all the colors , pictures and songs in a container shook it all up; As this container of such is like my mind’s retainer of all the memories that have been unspoken. Many of them hold far too many words to sift through grammar and logic… how it will sound and what memory should be first. When your mind is stacked with untitled moment after untitled moment… you can’t just put your mind on pause and choose one. In this very visual right brain idea; I think this is the ticket to overcoming the overwhelming anxiety of speaking a loud what had seemed to have been the unspeakable. So in courage I would place all these untitled moments in front of me… I shall reach my hand in and randomly take out a memory and then with valor speak the words to the pain of the very moment that I hold in my hands.
I am choosing to free the memories as hard as it, to grieve what was never allowed, to receive love that was never given and feel safe where it was never provided. The freedom to breath and realize their hands aren’t really there, their voices are just haunting lies and then to know it’s now just a memory.
I don’t have to feel the power of their lies anymore… I will feel the emotions and sensations as I speak what was once denied… grieve the many losses …then stamp ‘titled’ on a long-awaited memory that I now choose to be part of who I am; another layer; another moment titled and another that no longer has power over me. So here it is… all my inconspicuous ways of saying the unsaid with pictures, music, and creative poems that hide a deeper meaning; One by one titling all the untitled moments in my life… the only way that feels right.
The key to unlocking this box for me is feeling safe and support as I struggle to feel very alone in this aftermath of untitled moments scattered all around. ..so one by one…(sigh) I get it… this will leave me standing on a solid ground; with what once was ashes will soon be turning into something beautiful.
I think it’s important we don’t forget what makes us-us. We can heal using the way God uniquely desighned us to be. For me it’s living in a music box, swimming in an ocean of color and rhythmic words, and standing under a rainbow of captured stills that tell my story; rain and shine.
Be you… always… even in the pain, never stop believing in who God made you to be.
Streams and streams of tears
Mind thrown back in fear
Body feels the pain of many many years
her heart is seared
panic verbalized as broken sobs adhere
Mind now thrown solely to the right
All logic has been frozen tonight
Sealed tight
All nerves and lungs have been cascaded with fright
For an unknown has awoken her to flight
She is now ready to fight
Protection is first to arrive
Taking all control has arised
Anger now thrives
Her insides have broken into deceiving hives
And all she can sense is how to survive
All she needs to know is the known
For she fears what is not known
It flashes bright into her mind a danger zone
Truth has been postponed
It’s become overthrown
Evil deceit has now placed its self on the thrown
This broken hearted girl now lies alone
Her resentment has fed too vast
Her sense has been invaded with past
In agony she’s harassed
Her body has now fully surpassed
As reality and sensual memories contrast
Heart now beating way to fast!
Post reality
Traumatic vicinity
Stress infirmity
Disorder caused by raped virginity
And then washed with salinity
For all infinity
(inspired from a broken heart for a brokenhearted friend with the song, You’re Beautiful by: MercyMe)
To: UncertainMe and all her AmbiguousValues
From:~L and all her UntitledMoments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know at times life is so uncertain
the world seems to be much
too vague
our childhood we lived was
beyond confusing
which makes everything and everyone
seem so very unclear
Our pain seems indefinite
the memories …
they go on and on and on…
hope seems hazy
and all we want is to be loved
Our values have been lied to
at times we wonder if God
even exists
and what is beauty?
Because that also has been tainted
Moments in time have been left untitled
shame sealed across our lips with secrete stories
stories that are much too awful to know where to even begin
moments now remembered… as grief now overwhelms
We ask ourselves…
How can I be loved?
How do I know what love is?
and how do I love myself?
when love was so distorted Continue reading →
I desire to persevere
through the fear
the past
the hurt
And the darkness that rears
With the Spirit of God
and His light that
continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace
Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity and
setbacks in achieving victory
I choose to believe in hope
In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
Why have I been so naive?
The true touch of God
I must believe
In my perseverance
I understand the urgency to press on with
the firmness of truth
and the determination
to overcome
In the void of harmonies…
The loneliness of absent camaraderie’s…
The sorrows of yesterdays…
I shall remember this is not a new song
I choose to believe in hope
There will be a day
when His glory will slay
that dreadful sorrow
void – negated
Loneliness – betrayed
And darkness forever desecrated
We have tasted glory
Felt the warmth of heaven’s luminosity
Let us not neglect
the old, old story
when light was spoken
and darkness divided
Even in the pressing void
Flooded sorrow’s
and distressing loneliness we feel…
Death has not overcome
Darkness has not won
The light has not been defeated
Not all has been deleted
Truth has become
Because of the Son
In this world we will have trouble
But take heart
Our Creator has said
“I have overcome the World”
I choose to believe in hope
So I shall have a steadfastness to keep on despite difficulty
Keep hope in the delays
of achieving success
I will have a continuance
in a state of grace
Leading finally to a state of glory
As it’s humbly embraced
When the fullness of light
meets the dark in it’s final hour
Darkness will cower
tremble at the sound of victory
and surrender it’s tower
Oh what a splendid day that will empower
With determination and courage I shall persevere awaiting that hour
(this time I saved all the pictures for the video at the end)
Hold On
You had asked me to fight and not give up You told me it would be hard
but that you would never let go of my hand
I believed you
So, I started swimming
I would get tired
Yet you kept telling me “I am here”
“My love for you never fails” You kept on believing in me
…even when I had seemed to have lost faith
Many times I felt the monsters of this sea tugging on me
it was hard!
it would get dark, cold and rough
but from time to time you would send a good Samaritan to help me along the way
I was half way there
at the hardest part
equal distance from where the past claimed me
and where the freedom was awaiting.
It was hard
And I was scared
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
Sometimes you find yourself blindly following a plan that you set out or someone set out for you, just because you feel like you should keep going. I don’t want to regret continuing on blindly with this plan to post my top 10 regrets. So, I’ve decided to skip #9. (Although, as the perspicacious among you have [...]
Is it really National Tortilla Chip Day today? Although I’m sure most of you know that today, February 24th, is actually National Tortilla Chip Day and I certainly don’t want to detract from the usual celebration and traditions you are all engaged in presently, I would like to declare it also National Share A Post on Facebook Day. After [...] […]
Top 10 Regrets I believed the sun would rise tomorrow. I tried to control my tongue. I hugged my wife when I came home from work. I tried to love God. I cared about other people’s problems. I sang along in church. I closed my eyes in prayer. I held it together. I kept going. [...]
I want to scream aloud
All as I am drug across another day
