Category Archives: My favorite posts

They are…

Posted on February 1, 2012 | 40 Comments

They’re

.

They’re hidden in each block
An embarrassment of unspoken evils

They’re embedded in brittle rafters
One way conversations
Burned by her transferred thoughts

They’re hanging in dark corners
Clinging in dusty webs
Spun by small witnesses

They’re contained in rusted pipes
The echoed screams that are silenced
An accomplice
to the removing of her mind

They’re corroding in a floor drain
Collecting guilt and shame
Growing the fear over many long years

They’re trapped by a 1×2 porthole
Where the fire of hell has welded shut the seal of hopeThey’re engrained in the ground
The spilled innocence
of evidence

They’re trying to fight their way out
Bound in a chest by brutal ropes
Holding them from freedom… they say – there is no leaving

       .  They’re are secrets
. .…    ,  They are mine

I’m working on to taking back the embarrassment
Embedded in each lying block

Realize the need to dig up the years
Stained within a cold-blooded floor

To flush out the pain and start taking back my mind
It has no place remaining in a filthy drain of shame

I want more than anything to break the seal of bondage
Shatter the glass of despair

One day to your face
I hope to sweep away the cobwebs
Fearlessly burn words into your brittle rafters
Then watch you cave
As your building of secrets come crashing down

I want to remove your power over me
Remove the guilt that has grown for years
It was never mind to keep
Here you go…
place it in your drain to grow
In your new dwelling place
Your 6×8 cell of shame

I want justice
to seal away your harm…
and if it was hell you wanted
here you go
One day, it will come
and then it will be your turn Count them up – one by one
Each block of embarrassments
as they’re there to remind you…

They’re…
They were secrets
They’re to be secrets no more.

~L

Titling the untitled one by one… I’m entitled – They’re  What they are…

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Posted in My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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…It’s Déjà Vu, Isn’t it?

Posted on January 23, 2012 | 39 Comments

…It’s Deja Vu, Isn’t it?
By: ~L

You’re on the other side of this wall, aren’t you?
It doesn’t matter how thick… it’s extent
I still feel your green eyes penetrating through
Weaving around double-crossing re-rod
Wondering, can they ever be bent?
Her quite prayer’s to God…
Have they already been spent?

The cold air has left the feeling of déjà-vu
Is it you in the air…
or is it my guilt and its crew?
True or false
I feel it though
And whoa!
Don’t they think they’re the boss!

.

I’m worn-out with all the trying
Trying to let me let you speak
Here I leave you stuck in poetry and pros
Writing on pages, Dear Diary…
then keeping you closed
It’s not effective, I know

I want to scream you out
I want for you
to believe your words can be heard
That you have that right to title your secrets
I just keep striking out
My word!
My voice is incredibly slurred!

I’m afraid I’m not brave
I’m terrified
Shame – a title wave
Fear- classified
Maybe it’s not always a blessing we survived?
Just maybe it would’ve been  better to title a grave
Others judge what they see?
Yet, I’m the one living with she

There are places in this mind,
that I have never been able to find
That is where you lie, isn’t it?
In such pain confined
You’re trapped there, aren’t’ you?

.

You speak to me in dreams
Remind me in cold air pleas
You try to tell me in the energy
Under the full moon – it’s extreme

…It’s déjà vu, isn’t it ?

It’s hard to love myself
When I abandon such a small child
Keep her on a dusty dark shelf
On the other side of a wall, feeling reviled
There is no guarantee to know
if it’s safe to come out and breath?
I don’t know sweetie…
I honestly don’t know

.

And as I keep trying
You keep crying
Wondering
If heaven’s been packed away
While we just keep dancing
in a homicidal ballet

~L

..

 

.

*Dance in the dark, picture credit to – lown_c with flicker. Click on picture to see more of this talented work.~

The most perfect song that finishes the words I can’t find… a complete to this post … “baby ballerina, is hiding somewhere in the corner”…

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Posted in Healing one day at a time, My favorite posts

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She Lives In A Fairy Tale

Posted on January 1, 2012 | 41 Comments

~
She lived in the fairy tales
A world she had to learn  to leave behind

Narnia now trails
And she’s much too old
to set a sail
To play make- believe
is  now only naive

“Never – Never Land”
is never to be restored
Her enchantment lingers
no more
She’s gone back to reality  forevermore

~

The time has come
to bury this castle
Time to sail away
Say goodbye to her hero
and  bid farewell to the magic
Reality…. it’s tragic

Time to face the ugly truth?
To speak out loud the proof?
Healing is in voice?
Violence must be muttered
This child speaks and flutters
As she’s ripped from the only security ever known

Continue reading →

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I Am Many

Posted on December 23, 2011 | 48 Comments

I am many
By: ~L


I am many
Stuck within one human body
Feeling the weight of each fear
Separate memories weaved
As they all Embody
Each tear
As nothing seems to be clear

It’s a confusing place
A reality I hesitate to face
A shame that no one will understand
What is trapped with in this vase

I skim life with hesitation
Worry I may fail
Dread I won’t live up to an expectation
Either to others
Or the me, and my many

Insecurities
Embarrassments
Shame – guilt
Sealed in her basement
That has despondently been built

Continue reading →

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Posted in Free Write Fridays, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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~My Right Brain~

Posted on August 24, 2011 | 25 Comments

When I can’t find the words to verbalize
I capture it behind a camera that implies
Paint you a color to realize
Give you a song to reprise
and though it’s not direct, I have generalized
The story within my eyes

If the saying is true
that a picture is worth a thousand words
Then this is just another way to construe
And the saying let my words be few
Is just another point of view

It would leave many of you with a chill
To know those thousand words in one still
It would pull back the clouded vision
From the ones who think they understand the drill!
Perhaps then some would discern
they truly haven’t been displaying a goodwill.

~L

That's A Bright Idea...

I wonder what would happen If I literally combined all the colors , pictures and songs in a container shook it all up; As this container of such is like my mind’s retainer of all the memories that have been unspoken. Many of them hold far too many words to sift through grammar and logic… how it will sound and what memory should be first. When your mind is stacked with untitled moment after untitled moment… you can’t just put your mind on pause and choose one. In this very visual right brain idea; I think this is the ticket to overcoming the overwhelming anxiety of speaking a loud what had seemed to have been the unspeakable. So in courage I would place all these untitled moments in front of me… I shall reach my hand in and randomly take out a memory and then with valor speak the words to the pain of the very moment that I hold in my hands.

I am choosing to free the memories as hard as it, to grieve what was never allowed, to receive love that was never given and feel safe where it was never provided. The freedom to breath and realize their hands aren’t really there, their voices are just haunting lies and then to know it’s now just a memory.

I don’t have to feel the power of their lies anymore… I will feel the emotions and sensations as I speak what was once denied… grieve the many losses …then stamp ‘titled’ on a long-awaited memory that I now choose to be part of who I am; another layer; another moment titled and another that no longer has power over me. So here it is… all my inconspicuous ways of saying the unsaid with pictures, music, and creative poems that hide a deeper meaning; One by one titling all the untitled moments in my life… the only way that feels right.

The key to unlocking this box for me is feeling safe and support as I struggle to feel very alone in this aftermath of untitled moments scattered all around. ..so one by one…(sigh) I get it… this will leave me standing on a solid ground; with what once was ashes will soon be turning into something beautiful.

I think it’s important we don’t forget what makes us-us.  We can heal using the way God uniquely desighned us to be.  For me it’s living in a music box, swimming in an ocean of color and rhythmic words, and standing under a rainbow of captured stills that tell my story; rain and shine.

Be you… always… even in the pain, never stop believing in who God made you to be.

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Posted in My art work, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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Restoration

Posted on July 6, 2011 | 15 Comments

I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.

I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.

Continue reading →

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Light divided darkness

Posted on June 21, 2011 | 11 Comments

Despite the sorrow
Grief
Distress
And  troubling times

I desire to persevere
Through the fear
waste
void
And the darkness that  rears

With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…

The victory has already been spoken

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?

Continue reading →

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The reality is… in my reality you can’t come

Posted on April 7, 2011 | 3 Comments

wishing you could come...

Won’t you come?

Keep me safe in the darkness
As shadows rise
and memories begin to flood my eyes
Won’t you come?

Let the safety of your hand
resting on my shoulder bring comfort
It is needed much
I wish for a gentle touch
Alone this is too much to confront
Won’t you come?

I just can't be alone with my eyes are closed

When I close my eyes
The movie trailer becomes
And all I want to do is die
As the many awful memories
Are behind each and every sigh
I am not sure I can do this alone
This hurt is too hard on my own
Won’t you come?
Continue reading →

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Slow fade. Slow recovery.

Posted on April 6, 2011 | 5 Comments

It was a slow fade.
It’s not to be mistaken for a quick recovery
A  painful fade that has lasted too many years
(I suppose the fade still lingers till all is revealed)

Each passing day was another day broken-down by fear
A slow destruction of a child
and the unexpected destruction of an adult…who never saw the wrecking ball as it restyled

All that has ever been compiled
has now been replaced with his violence and revile
All the present moments get swept away
Because all her once entitled moments
became and become untitled

Continue reading →

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Posted in Music is the heartbeat of my healing soul, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part III)

Posted on March 21, 2011 | 1 Comment

I can’t explain why I still trusted God throughout all of that… I just did. I couldn’t deny the reality of this God because I was mad at Him. I couldn’t deny His realness because I didn’t understand.  I am too tired to get all scientific and  theological with you. I am not wired that way. I do have a few friends on the other hand that are. So if you really need science and theology to prove it to you; I can send them your questions. I’ve asked them many!

I learned that love is a choice. Not everyone had to choose to love my God. I learned that love never fails. WHAT?!? LOVE NEVER FAILS? WELL THEN WHY IN THE WORLD IS MY GOD FAILING ME NOW IF HE LOVES ME SO MUCH????? I was a child!!! Love is a choice? Yes, love is a choice… not everyone chooses love. We were giving that choice of free will (more words but not now).  Not everyone is going to want to love and do good. People choose not to love me. They choose to do evil things to me. They chose over and over and over again to steal my ability to even think. Time and time again they chose not to love me but time and time again my ‘friend’ never left my side. These monsters chose to hurt me because I live in a world were evil wants so bad to steal our souls away from God. They want to cloud our judgment on what is real by throwing lies in our face everywhere we go. I didn’t need science to prove when I feel and see the evidence of my ‘friend-God’

left in silence

Then there came a time when I remember hearing nothing! Nothing at all not even a feeling of the ‘wind’. I couldn’t take it. I still had to believe somehow even though my God was silent. …as well as this child.. She had to stay silent. I never felt so alone in all my life. I was silent, my God was silent. I didn’t talk for months and months. This once loud laughing, fast talking, and little singer stayed silent. Silent in the pain … and so did my God, silence surrounded me… darkness engulfed me and I became so severely depressed. I remember standing on the edge of the lawn that met the dirt road in front of our home; I was trying to find the courage to walk out in front of a car. I truly thought I was the only one who could protect myself from this darkness. I wanted life so badly but it was striped from me. I wanted to breathe again, to catch butterflies, to sing in the sun and laugh and laugh… but everything was silent.

I now believe that evil is evil and it is going to try to destroy anything in its way that holds a valid threat to bring light to expose their darkness; and sometimes it takes away the ability to hear or speak. It leaves you locked in silence.
these two songs say it better than I can explain.

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The Pain in Knowing – Part II (my own thoughts)

Posted on March 12, 2011 | 6 Comments

Part II of The Pain in Knowing; my response to the post written by: Dr. David Hamilton PsyD. Click here to read Part I .

I sat outside in the sun being ‘mindful’ as I doodled this picture on my iPad.   I was trying to stay mindful. I had to keep bringing myself ‘back’ to just being creative with art… not where my mind wanted me to me go. (It just so happens to be that yellow is really not what I want to see… it reminds me of the first day my grandfather abused me)  In this situation I see two truths; One, as hard as it is for me to face the color yellow (literally). The second truth is; God is present as I love sitting in the yellow sun enjoying the birth of spring in the light and being in this moment that is good. Truth; yellow reminds me of my dress on my seventh birthday and how a beautiful summer day turned into a cold winter blizzard.  I saw my yellow dress and as the pain became numb, I painted a world full of greens and blues and pretty purples.  Denying the yellow dress denied the painful truth of knowing.  I don’t think it was bad for me to do that then but there a came a time that facing the painful truth was ignored.  So As I literally painted yellow today outside (electronically) …It was a struggle for me to remember that I was in a good moment and that was the reality of the truth.  The memory was true too right?

I may have wanted to paint the dang wall purple, red, teal… whatever color you WANT to paint with… but to ignore the truth for so long that the wall is yellow is dangerous. To wake up one day, start your morning; grab your coffee and turn around to see a YELLOW wall in your house!?! Pure shock; you drop your cup… wonder “why the heck is my wall yellow”! Your kids wake up and you say to them, “look the wall is yellow. Why is the wall yellow”? They walk by like your nuts!
Continue reading →

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Posted in Healing one day at a time, Knowing God and Making Him known, My art work, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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The Pain of Knowing – Part I

Posted on March 11, 2011 | 3 Comments

The Pain of Knowing
December 7, 2009 from the blog, “The Other 167 Hours …Life outside the session” By: Dr.David Hamilton PsyD

I often work with people who are trying to find the courage to know what they know. Imagine standing in front of a wall that you are about to paint. You look at it and decide that red would be a perfect color for the wall, and you’re right. It would be.

Red Paint with Splash of YellowYou have a paintbrush in your hand. Next to you is a step ladder with an open bucket of paint on top. You reach up and dip your paintbrush into the bucket.

But, something’s wrong!

Your paintbrush comes out yellow. That bucket is full of yellow paint! Yellow is definitely not the right color for this wall.

You decide to try again. After carefully washing off your brush, you again take your place in front of the wall. You reach up and dip your brush into the paint can. It’s yellow. That’s not right. Everyone you know agrees that this wall should be painted red. You decide you need a break. You set down your brush and walk away upset. You decide to give it 24 hours.

The next day you have calmed down. You are feeling a little more positive now. You go to the wall, pick up your brush, which has caked-on dried paint from the day before and you spend the next 30 minutes carefully cleaning the brush. Then, you carefully and happily dip it in the bucket, only to be shocked again that it came out yellow.

You throw down the brush, frustrated. You spend 15 minutes looking at the wall carefully making sure that red would be the best color, not yellow. Yup, it should be red. You pick up your brush, wash it off and dip it in the paint bucket…

I’ll leave the rest of the story for you to finish.

There are some things in life that are definitely not the way they should be. You know how they should be, but every time you try to make changes, it doesn’t work. You get mad, frustrated, hard to be around, depressed…
Continue reading →

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She still lies trapped. I still am haunted. ‘we still remember’

Posted on March 8, 2011 | 9 Comments

(trapped little girl)
I live through you
I breathe only if you remember
The more you share
the more I die
I don’t want to leave you
Don’t make me go
Let me stay with you
the protector of my flesh
Keep breathing into me

(little girl now grown)
Oh your haunting needs to stop
you are forever in me
and forever I’m in you
Because of you
Every one leaves me stranded
forgotten. abandoned. left behind
I can’t let you stay another night
You need to go

 

You need to find the light
your place is no longer here tonight
you can’t stay with me
I’m filled with sorrow
as I’m bitter in my tiredness
and how It seems that I am
always being stranded
It’s time for goodbye
Each memory of you is keeping hope alive
it’s a dream that just can’t be
I need to let you go
Continue reading →

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Posted in My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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The Yellow Dress

Posted on February 21, 2011 | 44 Comments

Daddy bought her a beautiful birthday dress.
She twilled about in the summer’s breeze
singing and dancing amongst the trees.
Fields of flowers and butterflies caressed
as the summer day progressed.

This day was not what was thought to poses
It’s time to confess…
to address…

The darkness of that dress.

……………………..

…………….

A time came when her
pale yellow dress
became forever imprinted
forever in a mess.
Where memories of an eager birthday girl
suddenly digressed.
The day faded
and night became an unforeseen affair.

Ill-treated.
Eyes sealed tight
there is no might
no remaining fight
tonight… there is no light

She closes her weary eyes tight
struggling her way back
there she sees her field
her butterflies yield
hope is reviled.

………………………………

An innovative friend is born
as her heart is being torn
darkness had been enthroned
in a world that has been loaned
beauty is envisioned
yet evil has been gathered
Their nothing left to fathom

The sky above now painted gray
take me away
take back my wish I pray
I plead to be forgotten
I want to go back to play

.

The earth below dyed vile red
it flowed…
…she lie broken.
she feels dead.
For life has been forgotten

How could she address the innocent wish
Go back in time
Hush this mess
Never put on that dress

This was her prophecy
Her wish became a philosophy
taken in secrecy
bound in conspiracy

As she has been removed
From the yellow dress

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Posted in My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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Sink or swim

Posted on January 19, 2011 | 12 Comments

Stuck under.You had asked me to fight and not give up
you told me it would be hard but you would never give up on me
I believed you
so i started swimming
i would get tired and thought i was going to drown
but you kept telling me to swim
you never gave up
you knew what to do

Many times I felt the monsters of this sea tugging on me
it was hard!
it would get dark
cold and rough
but you kept coaching me all along
telling me you believed in me
you knew i would see it through and reach the other side
your faith, you where so sure of
telling me someday you will tell me… I told you so

I would want to give up
i would tell you
I’ve been swimming forever
fighting the current is much to hard
and still
through all my doubt
all my complaining
you still promised that you would never give up on me
again you told me to keep swimming
one more stroke
just one more
and someday you will see
you will reach the other side or the sea
Continue reading →

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‘I am not going to shut up’

Posted on January 19, 2011 | 14 Comments

Ignite a hope again
Be the fighter that you know you are!
Stand up and tell them
“NO”! “You sit down”!
“It is my turn to heal….
my turn to say
what needs to be said”.

This is my voice
my story
and no… you may not tell me how to heal!

This… this right now is my hour to press on
my hurt
my pain
and you may not tell me to restore.
you may not tell me to forgive.
you may not tell me to hush
make peace
turn the other cheek.

You may not steal my voice from me!
Continue reading →

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Breath no more…

Posted on January 18, 2011
If only one would have looked

This gallery contains 7 photos.

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In the stillness of the night!

Posted on December 28, 2010 | 1 Comment
I wrote this many months ago and yet this is still a very real on-going battle for me…   No one said healing from such a crime would be a hop, skip and a jump to ‘la la’ land…  their is a truth that gives me hope… i just need to keep the faith… and starve away the persistent doubt. They can’t have all of me.  This post was protected for a very long time… I’m unlocking it in hopes that it’s okay to disbelieve that curse full of damning lies and be very real with you today. (6.27.11)

IN THE STILLNESS OF THE NIGHT

In the stillness of the night as humans sleep …another world awake.
It begins to lurk into homes where windows have been left open
and doors remain unlocked

In the stillness of the night as a little girl lies a sleep.
Alone, there she is dreaming…  as her angels are unaware
Their swords have dropped be their side and her God has seems to disappear This is not the time for her protectors to be left napping
A little girl has been left in despair
as ‘they’ are now unwrapping

Heavens realm has been sealed tight
from protecting her tonight
As demons awake they
lurk around those supposed protectors of the night

How easy for them to carry her in this dark flight.

They slipped under her covers
Taunting her dreams that hover
Darkness blankets her cries
and haunting melodic sounds whisper her lullabies

Fear has imprisoned
Now possessed humans have arisen.
No longer a home to keep her warm
yet now there she lay,
Belonging to the cold unknown to be conformed
Where evil has tainted with her soul
Her Angels and Saints have lost control
as she fearfully lies less than whole

This is awful! This cannot be!
I shall testify what I see!

In the stillness of the night darkness has come for me
with just enough flickering light to see
these monsters taking over thee

Her little belly in knots
Her tiny hands too still
my sinking soul meditates despite the chill
Child eyes scan the room
for just one angle to rescue her from this doom.

God, please! Fight for her till dawn
Cradle her in the silver lining of Your embrace
hold her still in Your grace
Don’t let them know her soul lies safe
and no curse will break Your grip on her.
If they know
They won’t let go
until they finished killing
as blood forever spilling.

As night fades back to dawn
and my mind has been removed
Rushing water drowns her soul,
traps her thoughts as she now ‘goes’
this body can’t withstand the torture as it flows.

The water never hot enough
to clean the stains within
and never cold enough
to freeze remaining memories
Her mind has been strained
Tears too long have been refrained
Tears that now can hide
in this drowning so inhumane.
The memory is sent down the drain
as innocence has been slain

No longer can she maintain.
Her mind has been stained,
as these ritual drownings
ends the night in this crowning.

It’s not only imprinted in the deepest
corridors of her mind
but branded in her soul combined
as to the curse was burned deep to remind
of what can happen when her angels have been re-assigned

As scars remind
all that could rewind
to bring me back to evil mankind.
I swear to you I’m not blind!
With my own blood it has been signed.
I have been tortuously assigned
to never undermine!

Child now grown, trapped with in this uncertain adult…
now only memories assault.
Yet, still…in the “stillness” of the night…
I can’t help but wonder
who is still yet lurking into my bed with me at night.

~L

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Two small hands and ten small fingers

Posted on December 16, 2010 | 5 Comments

Two small hands and ten small fingers
turn the pages of a book
protect her from his evil look

Two small hands and ten small fingers
build a castle in the sand
push away his unwanted hand

Two small hands and ten small fingers
climb the tallest tree she sees
grasp the sheets beneath and freeze

Two small hands and ten small fingers
catching butterflies in her field
count the blocks to escape his wrath

Two small hands and ten small fingers
pressed together in a prayer
twist and pull at strands of hair
Continue reading →

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I am not yours, I am not mine

Posted on November 23, 2010 | 3 Comments

I am not yours
I am not mine
I was born in secrecy
Born among thieves
Born into a family where
addictions cradled me
and evil tucked me in.
Where the waves of the dark sea
sung to me lullabies each and ever night!

I was born into a family that was well acquainted with pain
Thrown in a cradle of addictions
My father an alcoholic
My mother an addict

And yet although both my mother and fathers’ addiction affected me
It was the my grandfather’ addiction
That would prove to be the root
of all the strongholds that have enslaved my life.

I am not yours I am not mine
And yet I was born to you
Born into your secrecy
And all of your thievery.
All of your madness has made me separate from loving you.

I may have my mother’s laugh
And my father’s passions
I may attempt at times to be a part of your genealogy
but will live my own legacy.
I may consider that a normal gathering is a desire of mine.
But when I think about all you have done to destroy me
I remember…

I am not yours
I am not mine
I was only allowed to be thrown into the storm that you created.
forced into a gathering of evilness
as you spoke against my creator
and stole my innocence
night after hell damned night!

Who am I

If I am not yours
And I am not mine
The question than lies
Than Whom do I belong?

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Posted in Healing one day at a time, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L

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