As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!
? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how? How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul? Do you know what you are asking of me at times? Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?
Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.
How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?
How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.
There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.
Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips. We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.
They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.
Remember, you’re (we’re) tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?
We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.
No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)
It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul“
To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;)
a quick history to this song…. it is heartbreaking beautiful! A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found…. it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”
(Statistics say you won’t read this all. Find out why when you read it all… if you want to know):)
Okay, if you have followed the last four posts you know that God showed Himself to me as a child. I walked and talked with Him, and as I grew a bit older, went to church and learned more about Him my love grew even more. Then all Hell broke loose and I endured dark dark moments. Then God seemed distant, God seemed to create a safe place for me, God again then seemed distant and then His love would show its self again to me. I became angry, I became silent… etc… It was all unfair and I endured it. It’s confusing to wonder why God won’t just snap his fingers and change this. (Truth be told I still feel that way at times. I’m not sure who doesn’t)
… And now today; oh yes the present. The present is full of should have’s, could have’s and this and that’s. It’s full of the shame of things I’ve done wrong and the guilt that comes with that too. It’s full of its PTSD crap and triggers and depression and etc… The question now lies is there ever an excuse to choose wrong because I had a crappy childhood? No, there is never an excuse. Excuse no, but grace and mercy yes.
Do you know what statistics say about those who were abused and no one noticed or noticed and did nothing about it as a child? What happens when you wait until you are an adult to face your fears? Are you ready… because this is very unfair to read.
Children sexually and/or physical abused are:
As high as 81 % of men and women in psychiatric hospitals with a variety of major mental illness diagnoses, have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse.
4 times more at risk for Major Depression as those with no such history. They are significantly more likely to develop bulimia and chronic PTSD. Most experience shame, flashback, nightmares, severe anxiety , depression, alcohol and drug use, feeling of humiliation and unworthiness, ugliness and profound terror.
.
Adults abused during childhood are: –>
Image via Wikiped-more than twice as likely to have at least one lifetime psychiatric diagnosis
-almost three times as likely to have an affective disorder
-almost three times as likely to have an anxiety disorder
-almost 2 ½ times as likely to have phobias
-over 10 times as likely to have a panic disorder
-almost 4 times as likely to have antisocial P.D.
Suicide and self-injury
There is a highly significant relationship between childhood sexual abuse and various forms of self-harm later in life, i.e. suicide attempts and self starving, ect… For adults and adolescents with childhood abuse histories, the risk of suicide is increased 4-12 –fold!
Most self-injurers have childhood histories of physical or sexual abuse. Up to two-thirds of men and women in substance abuse treatment report childhood abuse or neglect.
Adults abused during childhood are more than three times as likely that those not abused during childhood to have serious substance abuse problems.
Research reveals severe and prolonged childhood sexual abuse to underlie damage to the brain structure, resulting in impaired memory, dissociation, and symptoms of PTSD. It is nearly impossible for those who dealt with such trauma to recover fully from damage to the brain as a child.
Delinquency, adolescent and criminal behavior
Numerous studies have documented the most violent criminals were physically or sexually abused as children.
Over 95% of perpetrators who sexually abuse female children and over 80% of those who abuse male children are men. Most of these men were abused themselves in childhood.
Of 14 juveniles condemned to death for murder in the US in 1987, 12 had been brutally physically and sexually abused, and 5 of those 12 had been abused by relatives as children.
Too many more to keep listing… way to many…
So that’s a lot of statistics! The odds are stacked up against me and anyone who has been a victem of childhood abuse. My Friend… My God is bigger than all those odds!! The odds say I should be socially shy; yet I can speak and sing in front of hundreds of people. I can speak to my youth kids and somehow impact their life in positive way. I relate with these kids and its crazy how I am able to be used by God to share with them about how to deal with stuggeles and how they are not alone with their pain and questions about the World and God and who broke up with who. According to these statistics above I should be depending on drugs or alcohol to live; nope. I should be violent; nope.( I am a door slammer though) I should be one of those kids that murdered her perpetrator, come back and seek revenge on her parents -nope. I should I should I should… nope nope and nope.
It would be putting on the biggest mask if I were to say that none of those statistics have affected me. Some of them have, but thought that is true I don’t have to let that statistic run my life… I learn how to cope with it and surpass it. Even if all my “nope’s” were yes’s… I still too could defeat them… it is possible, hard but very possible! God is bigger than all of this. Evil was done to me… but I don’t have to choose to be stuck in the odds. I don’t have to choose to do evil things/bad things. I am not all bad nor am I all good; no one is… and that’s just it, we choose to do what we can with what we are given… we learn, we grow, we extend grace and we receive grace. God’s grace is greater then all of the ‘bad’ we do. I am fighting every day to live my life the best I can. My God has saved me from what could have been worse. (some day’s I wonder what could have been worse but the fact that I am alive proves it could be worse… the fact that I’m alive and capable of beingloving mother to my girls proves it could be worse. The fact that I am passionate to speak out against injustice proves that it could be worse) That does not mean those who have and are drowning in these statistics can’t get help…. It’s a hard fight! A fight that you are worth and a fight that others who understand want to fight with you. Reach out and make that first step in fighting… and grab on to another hand to help guide you. (A pastor, counselor, doctor)
It’s a hard fight for me to be the woman God has made me to be when I have some of those statistics, having; PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Phobias, DID , Suicide attempts, Sleep Disturbance, Headaches, an Abortion, teen mom, Domestic Abusive Relationships, Anger, and a few more others I suppose. It is very hard to fight your way to healing… That seems like a long list – I’m kida disgusted actually now that I just listed it all out… huh… You know, it could be so much worse, just read the statistic again.
I could not imagine how hard it would be to be homeless, or a drug user, or have abused my own children, or commit a violent crime, be imprisoned, and then try to heal from my childhood.
The God I serve can defeat these odds . I should have never been the child to grow up and become sociable, an all-star athlete, an A student; (even though I claimed the statistic of becoming a teen mom, I still got my diploma, first one on my mom’s side of the family) I raised my baby without help from parents. I, as an adult, have been able to work and do it well! For sometime I was a single mom, going to college full-time and waiting tables 30 hours a week. I have for the past 2 years, up until just a few months ago, worked with teens; mentoring and building unbelievable relationships with them. Its been said that I am a strong leader, I connect with the brokenhearted people in this world…
I am able to use my voice in front of hundreds of people even though I was told to never sing and it was never good enough as a child. I never gave up singing about God and His love… never gave up singing to Him and all the odds say I should be the girl in the crowd with my head down. Not this girl! I’m also a mom to my beautiful girls, cook some pretty amazing meals, and more…. The odds say I could not do that.
If adults that suffered from sexual abuse from childhood had the same odds as the lottery; prisons, counseling centers and mental hospitals would be a declining business; right? If the majority of people who are clients, patients or serving time in these places were abused as children; they would not be there if the abuse never happened, right? (that’s what statistics say). We would have smaller prisons and a healthier society. …. Yet evil still exists and wondering what it would be like if the statistics claimed us like 1 in a billion instead of 1 in 4 or 1 in 2….. It’s all just a dream – a sad one at that.
Satan does not want my friend God to win. The odds are more like Russian roulette with the devil. The thing is… my God wins in the end even if you get the bullet to the brain… In the end He will win… we just need to believe and know His name and grow with Him each day we breathe life. He loves us because He love us because He loves us. Nothing we do will make Him love us less. We need to love ourselves enough to believe and receive that love and I promise you your world will change, not change like black to white, but change from seeing only black to seeing hope. You will not be alone even when it seems you are. In the end LOVE DOES WIN… it just might not be here on Earth. Hang on dear friends our Lord has said, “Take heart in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world”
Trust and grief can coincide. It is still awful. Trust does not make the pain go away. TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE. HOPE sees BEYOND the pain. Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.
I am trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain. That is HOPE… that is what God is… that is what changes. It does not take the pain away or what is not in our control necessarily, but believing in that loving God and His Word gives us a hope to hold on to when we are in the midst of adversity… and also to show that same hope to others in the midst of their own adversity.
The odds of ‘us’ thriving from childhood abuse look pretty pathetic! Is their something we can do about this? Do we just throw in the towels; let’s these numbers and figures claim us… or do we use our voice and for those that can’t do we use are voice even more to stand in the gap for them? Yes! Some ask if I really have a genuine fear about my abusers finding out what I’m saying and why I have a blog if I live in that fear… I try to stay on the “DL” with it. But… I need to use my voice and I just pray and hope that the people who hurt me are not going to find out who untitled-moments really is. Courage my dear friends, it’s courage.
! If just maybe our schools would stop teaching our kids ‘stranger danger’ and teach them that also danger lies in homes, and churches, and ‘safe places’ maybe the odds would not be so against us. If churches would stop protecting their name to keep hush on this… maybe the odds would be better. If the people who are supposed to shelter adults as they counsel them to heal don’t abandon them because of lack of insurance or ‘other problems’. If so many mental health providers and hospitals stopped over drugging all of us and show love and kindness and stop treating clients like a flipping file or a number. Stop treating us like a statistic!!!! STOP STOP STOP! You are giving the good doctors and therapists a bad name… we need to trust someone! Teach us the skills to overcome, be patient with us, and if you don’t know how- humble yourself enough and direct us to one that does.
If damn parents would not turn their heads when their kids were being abuse because it’s too hard for them to know, and that goes too for neighbors, youth leaders, teachers, etc; if people would just stop being silent and treating the victims of abuse like it’s too much to handle and it’s better to shut your mouth… then just maybe the odds would not be stacked against ‘us’ and the statistics would change.
My statistic say all of you who turn your head are cowards! They are children! They are adults that still have this child trapped within needing support now!
If maybe my mom would not have ignored me. If only the church that my mom drove me to in the middle of the night when I built up the courage to say five words, ” mom, grandpa is hurting me”. If only, if only…. How could a church turn their back on a 12-year-old girl? How could a mother allow evil to happen and ignore? How could a dad be blind? How could people now tell me to live in secrecy… why would churches tell me to stay hush? All those should have’s – could have’s did not, has not and will not happen. It is now my time to take those odds, stack them all up, step on top of them and tell all those people: You have wronged a mighty soul and the God of all is not happy. STOP KEEPING SECRETS!!!! STOP! It is your turn to shut up, sit down and stop doing God’s job! He will protect the precious name of your organization, your church name, etc… BUT if you choose to hide ‘it’ thinking that hiding ‘it’ will make it easier for you maybe in 30 years, it will come back to haunt you like it did with this missionary organization that thought they could play God. (Read here.) These places must know that you have to educate themselves when working with children or are in the ministry. You need to know how to deal with these situations. We are fragile humans that need love and support. Take up a stand, start support groups, know where to send people to get help, and for goodness sakes take part in Child Abuse Awareness Month this April! Listen to the abused even when their voice is silent. Listen.
It’s time we told those odds that they can go to hell where they belong; they can burn in the flames where the ones that tried stealing mine and so many others’ life away. They don’t define us even though some of them are true for us. We are not a statistic. We are beautiful and can rise about the odds! And my Friend God does care, He is not a statistic. I know He is real because I would not be alive or functioning with out His hand holding me from drowning in this raging sea of statistics and odds and all the secrets.
I am rising above the odds. I have a long road to heal… but now that I have shaken some of those odds off; the road sees a brighter hope.
Watch this…. This is a clip from a T.V. show…. To set the stage before this clip: A troubled young adult named Gary, endured unspeakable abuse from his foster parents. Gary has turned very angry to society killing people who trigger his abuse. This post is almost incomplete without this video. Thanks for watching.
I am not all good or bad, but I do have a choice … I am not my mom; I will protect my kids at all cost. I am not like so many in my family who choose to live in silence, hide in drugs and alcohol and suffer because they choose to ignore God and tell me I have a ‘creative imagination’. I’m not the one living in a house with no electric, filth and smoke pot 3 -4 times a day. …or the one who abuses his children and wife. I am not the one who goes back to her abusive boyfriend over and over and over again. I am not the one who get’s himself in trouble with the law over and over again. That is the family I grew up with and it’s sad… it’s very sad and I pray so hard that they will see and one day overcome the awful statistics that they hold on to in fear. It’s the only way they know. I am rising above the odds because I have chosen to have my God be my guide and not secrets and evil! (oh, ouch!!! I am editing this a year later and I oh did I just eat a piece of my own advice… ugh) I am not saying better than my family… I am choosing to live better. Like I stated I have my demons but they no longer define who I am!!! That is why my God is real and why I know that I know that I know :) Don’t believe because I do… find Him and seek Him with all your heart… He will show you His realness. Try it… you might like it :)
I also refuse to split this post in a million pieces because it’s 3,115 words plus an 8 minute video with even more words :) Statistics say you wont read it all… but for those who did… I thank you for beating the odds :)
If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’ it kinda sums it up a bit.
There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years plus with an evil man that was suppose to love me. Where is this God now, and when I was teenager… when, when, when? A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?
I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments in a whole new perspective. A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now! . .
I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child. I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more – as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most. I now know that He protected my mind from so much of that pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was. I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly. It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.
Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.
I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed. Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then. If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126
So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)
...no more pain
This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature? … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?
This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination? Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel? I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!
If there is one post that will be the hardest to write will be this one today. I was asked a few days ago what I should write about and each response was about my faith. It was the last comment that really made me pause, cry, and determine to explain. This is going to very hard for me to write in a way that explains it for you, as the reader, to understand; especially to explain why I know God is real even amongst all the struggles of my doubts and suffering because of the abuse I went through as a child and the struggles of life leading to now.
I was about four years only when I moved from a big city to a small country house that my parents were renting. I remember waking up screaming and screaming one night. I don’t know why… I was scared, I just was. That same night I felt someone or something touch me. I felt warmth all over me. I was okay, it was such a good feeling that I didn’t have to run down to see my mommy and daddy. I knew at the very moment I was not alone. Something was in this room even though I could not see it… I could feel it.
I like to explain it like the wind. You can’t see the wind but you see the effects of the wind, you can feel the wind… and you just do.. you know its’ there. The same way I could not see what was in that room with me but I could see and feel the effects of what was in the room. I was so little to be able to even comprehend this. Having a four year old right now puts me in awe that at four years old, not knowing who God, how I would have it in my head that something that I can’t see exists and this thing that exists is powerful because once I felt what I did that night, I never wanted to lose it.
Throughout my days after that experience I would talk to this unseen thing and ask to make me feel safe. It was not a make believe friend because I never had a face for him or a name. I just knew that there was something out there that was real and powerful; even thought I could not see it. From that day on I walked and talked with this ‘friend’. The more I believed the more I could feel whatever it was and that it was amazing. .
...and why wouldn't she share this amazing new friend with the world ?
I remember a time that I had all the neighbor kids and my little brother and sisters line up on the lawn. I excitingly told them, “we are not alone”. There is something that we can’t see and it is our friend. You can’t see this thing but you can feel it if you believe”.
I could not fathom my five year old remembering that much after 20 plus years has gone by. I don’t remember much from those years but I do remember when I met my ‘friend’ and some significant moments.
When I was around six my parents bought a house on forty acres Around that time is when we started going to a small country church. This is where I first remember hearing about God or Jesus. When they talked about how you could not see God and you needed to have faith to believe and ‘ask Jesus in your heart’; I knew! This is who I talk to and feel! This is my friend, He has a name! I was so excited; now I could tell everybody about my friend names Jesus and how wonderful it was to have a friend like this… and boy did I ever. My mom has told me of times when at the store I would tell everyone about my friend and how if you believe in him he will be the best friend you will ever have and he will keep you safe forever.
The more I learned about Jesus and His love the stronger my relationship became with my ‘friend’. I already knew before anyone told me that there was something powerful and kind who loves us. Learning how He was all powerful made me have a increasing respect for my ‘friend’. I may have been thought many things about Jesus and some could say well the rest you were taught and brain washed.
Intensely reading about her friend, Jesus.
But see the thing is that when I got my first little kid bible and started looking at all the pictures and being read to, my friend would come more real to me. It was like He was teaching me all about Him through a big story book. I read slowly and sounded out so carefully each word. I was just six trying to read this little kids bible and barley knew how to read. My daddy would read to me a lot, and when he did I would memorize the pages.
Their came a time when I was so sad that my friend needed to die for all of us in the world. I was mad and didn’t understand why people would kill my friend. Oh, but the joy when I found out that my God was so powerful that He raised Jesus from the grave and someday I get to see my friend because I believe so much that He is real! I was one excited little girl that Easter!
My Sunday school teacher use to ask me if I asked Jesus into my heart and I would tell her “NO, I don’t have to ask Him into my heart. (so proudly stated) …I felt Him when I was four and I believed He was real then. I don’t have to ask him in my heart, He is already my friend”! (So there… take that from a 6 year old! :) )
So here I was an innocent little girl with joy and love and full of life ready to save the world. Telling everyone about God’s love and trying so hard to be a good little girl. Six years old with joy unspeakable singing to my Jesus everywhere I went and thanking Him for never leaving me even when my daddy came home drunk and my parents would fight all night long. My friend was still with me and teaching me that the world is dark and that is why he had to send His son to die so that we can say we’re sorry and live a life that is pleasing to God… so that in the end we can live in a world where no more mommy’s and daddy’s fight and where you never loose your animals. Such innocence and unaware of what was to come…
Part II of The Pain in Knowing; my response to the post written by: Dr. David Hamilton PsyD. Click here to read Part I.
I sat outside in the sun being ‘mindful’ as I doodled this picture on my iPad. I was trying to stay mindful. I had to keep bringing myself ‘back’ to just being creative with art… not where my mind wanted me to me go. (It just so happens to be that yellow is really not what I want to see… it reminds me of the first day my grandfather abused me) In this situation I see two truths; One, as hard as it is for me to face the color yellow (literally). The second truth is; God is present as I love sitting in the yellow sun enjoying the birth of spring in the light and being in this moment that is good. Truth; yellow reminds me of my dress on my seventh birthday and how a beautiful summer day turned into a cold winter blizzard. I saw my yellow dress and as the pain became numb, I painted a world full of greens and blues and pretty purples. Denying the yellow dress denied the painful truth of knowing. I don’t think it was bad for me to do that then but there a came a time that facing the painful truth was ignored. So As I literally painted yellow today outside (electronically) …It was a struggle for me to remember that I was in a good moment and that was the reality of the truth. The memory was true too right?
I may have wanted to paint the dang wall purple, red, teal… whatever color you WANT to paint with… but to ignore the truth for so long that the wall is yellow is dangerous. To wake up one day, start your morning; grab your coffee and turn around to see a YELLOW wall in your house!?! Pure shock; you drop your cup… wonder “why the heck is my wall yellow”! Your kids wake up and you say to them, “look the wall is yellow. Why is the wall yellow”? They walk by like your nuts! Continue reading →
Today I forced my self out of my box and helped out at an inner city out reach near my house. This little girl that I sat down next to looked out of place and sad. I asked her name and she said, (lets call her Jaylynn). I told her it was a beautiful name and her mommy picked out a perfect name for such a cute little girl. She looked up at me and said, “I don’t have a mommy… I really don’t have anyone. I just get in peoples way and no one really wants me and this is my first time here”.
Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.
-Psalms 37:7
Image via Wikipedia It’s possible that being alone is not just our greatest fear but our only fear. It could be the active ingredient in our fear of death. It could be the element we empathically resonate with when we fear something happening to our children. Even our fear of rejection seems not so much about the rejection as it is about the imagined result of the rejection – being alone. Our fear of harm, pain, suffering, damage… these may all … Read More
This may be thee most ADHD post you will ever read in your life. So if you dare read on I commend you and thank you for taking the time to read my heart as I release it from within to my finger tips as they quickly type my heart.
The countdown is on. “should I stay or should I go now… if I won’t there might be trouble…. ” (old song that just popped in my head)
I am scheduled to fly to Washington State Saturday morning… and I get that “I NEED TO GO” but I swear the battle that is going on within is making it very difficult to step out in faith right now.
….okay it’s time that layla preaches what she knows and just maybe I can convince myself this time in all of what I know is truth.
I am God’s beloved! He is never ever ever going to leave me, send me back, or relax his love for me! I get that… but see I keep putting God in this box; like He’s not big enough to take care of this. How dare I think that God is not big enough to do this. SIGH!
In the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan He talks about “Justified Stress“? I am going to quote a few paragraphs:
But there’s that perplexing command: ” Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4) “Do not be anxious about anything” (v.6)
That came as a pretty staggering realization. But what I realized next was even more staggering. When I am consumed by problems – stressed out about my life, my family, and my job – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a “right to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.
Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.
Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.
Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? I find myself relearning this lesson often. Even though I glimpse God’s holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all. Yet, God does call us his beloved and cares about our brokenness…. we must trust that he is big enough to take care of whatever situation we are facing! Get God out of the box!
Okay now back to Layla’s ADHD world… are you ready?
It’s like this… and I am going to be very honest, real, blunt… I may even shock myself at what I may say…. sigh… here we go…
What i experienced at age 7 … all the confusion, all the pain and heartache of what my grandfather did to me was evil! That’s what it was. EVIL! (oh my… needing to puke) and you know what so what if i puke it out… I WANT IT OUT OF ME MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER EVER EVER KNOW!!!!! My physical body is experiencing WW3 and it’s a mess… and this little girl is very misunderstood and trapped! It’s hard to think of my kids going back to school and have this memory of the day before 6th grade… oh how do I put that into the light… how… how … how????
Okay… re -focus… and yes those of you know me… I just did what I did a few Sundays ago in front of you all on stage in front of 500 + people :) I just waved my hand out in a circle and out loud said “refocus, layla” Oh… that was embarrassing… especially when all of a sudden 3 hours later i said.. did i say that out loud… and my husband and a few friends said oh… yes… and it was great LOL moment… :) Whoa… bunny trail… shall i wave my hand in front of my face again;)
Okay where was I going with all this… so basically what I go out of those few paragraphs in Crazy love was this…. “Layla, BE STILL… remember my post about that… yeah… well I am not being still…. i am fighting God, who is thee creator of all and thinking he is not big enough to get me on a plane and expose the truth… which means taking it out of the darkness and putting it into the light and that is going to be the second hardest thing to actually the moments of being in it… so puke I might… cry… it must be done… remember the book the Velveteen rabbit.. how the bunny with his tear made the earth beneath him real…. that’s just it… that’s what needs be done… to make it real…
no one ever said real was beautiful… BUT I AM PRETTY SURE GOD TAKES ASHES AND TURNS THEM INTO BEAUTY. So if I am to truly have faith… I need to stop fighting my almighty God and surrender my anxious heart and FEAR…. I need to stop thinking MY GOD IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH! How dare I think that he is not bigger than my memories…. it’s hard… it’s inconceivable …. but my God is invincible and his love is relentless and I AM HIS BELOVED!
It was in one of Dr. Hamilton’s blogs that talked about “Believe. Behave. Be moved and I am sure he meant something other than what I got out of it, but this is what I got….
I am grateful for all who have put into action the love of Christ in helping me move beyond this once tragedy…. You behaved in His love and you are moved by His love… thus you teach me how to believe in His truth about myself and how to behave in HIS love and how to go forth in be moved by His love.
This has been my new motivation as I press on in the darkness. I must filter through what I believe and if it’s true. (Yes, I was hurt as a child, but I don’t want to believe in the lies that he tried to instill… well I’m working on that!!!!). With help from a very important person who does not give up on my stubbornness! I am learning to believe in what our Heavenly Father says. If I believe in the lies that “he” tried to instill in me as a child; then I will behave on those lies as an adult… and if I behave on those lies I will be moved by them. I DO NOT want to be moved by anything that has to do with those lies…. I want to believe in the love of our Maker and behave in that love and be moved by HIS love. It’s in these moments of “getting it” that I try to cling on to.
Believe in the Fathers love, Behave in the Fathers love, and BE moved in the Fathers love.
God has proven to me already that I can beat all odds… what makes me think I should stop now… (no one ever said it would not hurt, because it does more than one could ever know)!!!
Who knows… maybe someday I will be able to share with the world how God moved me.
~It’s a crazy love I tell ya!
~L’s Crazy love play list… I tell you you have to listen to these great songs!!!!
I love this chick…
“Your love never fails!!!!! Your love never never changes… their may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning light…. and when the oceans rage. I don’t have to be afraid because I know YOU ALWAYS LOVE ME :) You make ALL things work together for my good… “ Love this song!!!!!
…and he loves even me! The words to this song are so beautiful!
Nothing is greater than his love that holds our life together! Let this fire consume my life! Let Your love take me deeper and draw me closer to where you are!!!! I am forever humbled by the message of the cross! I will never be the same, Oh God! Your love is like fire, let it burn for all to see!
What does it mean to be still? How is it possible to be still when life’s crashing waves keep flooding in?
What does it mean when God’s people are commanded to “be still”? The command is not given to limit the mobility of God’s people. This command represents a spiritual outlook that should be carried out by those who believe in His promises.
The word translated “be still” comes from the Hebrew term raphah. It refers to that which is slack, or to let drop, or in some instances, to be disheartened or weak. Those who are disheartened are said to take courage.
~I found this very interesting in my situation.
Sadly, I think that I am far from “still”; I am trying to “do all the work” and yet I say I am giving it to God… I am not giving him the credit that is due. I often think that by “taking courage,” I can survive and thrive by my own hard work. I can do it all on my own, without any divine dependence.
Here is the irony in this term “be still.” While we must take the initiative to fight and be courageous, the uncertainties of living in a world of sin will continually challenge us. Personal initiative is no replacement for our dependence upon God.
To “be still” forces us to think on two things: That we need to drop our hands, go limp, relax, and “chill out.” And to encourage us to reflect on what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do.
So as your world crumbles around you, the call from Scripture is: don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know about God.
It is “God’s past” that provides calm for “our future.” Know that He is God! Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth and the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth will change” (Psalm 46:1-2).
While I write this I am looking up into a beautiful night sky and the way the moon is shinning into the blackness of the night… I can be still and know that the He is GOD. I can be still in the moments that are now… the moments that are all around me. I let too many of these moments slip by because I’m not being still and knowing his magnificent now moments.
“Breath”… It feels good to breath and know that God has surrounded me with much and that I can take comfort in his beautiful creation. It’s a battle, this journey. My heart is very vulnerable… and it’s okay to be sad. As emotional of a person I am…. my tears for “this” are trapped inside this very young girl who faced a world where she was never allowed to be still. She had to run and hide from who she was… and she forgot how to breath.
27 and still trapped… I’m learning now how to breath… one breath at a time; to let go of the moments of a past and find the courage to speak aloud the memories that are a part of who I am. I need to allow that layer to be present. It’s in this healing that my body remembers the pain, yet it’s also in the healing that my heart will be free to breath more often.
Be still and know that the Lord my God has surrounded me with precious moments of his peace.
I want to know those moments more clearly.
I crave a normal heartbeat.
It’s a long forgotten road… the world moved on… and she stayed forgotten.
till the clock started ticking again,
and the butterfly’s remembered for her…
her daughter brought back what it was like to be small
and the earth came back alive.
breath in… breath out
“Be still and Know that I am God”
It hurts to breath sometimes when there’s such a deep fog. I may be a fighter but I think it’s time I stop fighting and be still and let God fight this one out… I will continue on this long forgotten road…one breath at a time.
The world is full of broken people. The world is full of sadness. My question to myself is why do I care so much about the broken world. Why am I so passionate to make a difference in the lives of broken people, when I myself am so very broken? So… I understand this concept of putting the oxygen mask on myself first before I can help the person next to me. And I’m doing that. … so I suppose the reason for writing this post is to 1.) To remind myself why I am the way I am… (passionate) and 2) To let all you who are readers know my heart.
So are you ready for my heart to overflow in A.D.D. style? … cause that’s what it’s going to be…
I think I tend reach out to brokenness; I want to help those who hurt… it’s so hard to see broken souls, sad eyes, smile-less faces. I understand that my passions aren’t going to make me rich. I know at times it tires me out. Yet, how can I not do what God has designed me to do. I love God and I love His people… Is that not what it’s all about? Knowing God and making Him known?
So I tell myself, “L, get a grip! You’re so broken right now and maybe you’re being a little over dramatic… stop wearing your heart on your sleeve… the world is broken and it’s going to stay broken. ” Is it wrong for me to be so passionate… am I not balanced well? Is this not healthy? Well I am not sure on all of that… Yes, I need to make sure I am loving myself and taking care of me first, I am healing from a past that created broken me. So, great… I’m working on that.
So… waiting tables will never make me rich; BUT I get to connect with the lost, be a light, make someone smile, listen to people, care, and respond to brokenness… it’s all around me. And working at church… well that’s never going to buy my dream house or be able to shop like I want to:) BUT How amazing is it to pray at work, to sing at work, to love teens and build relationships with kids who are lost “broken” … I love to love… now trust… that I am very careful about… and for good reasons… but loving is something that I can do.
What about my enemies… can I love them… are they not broken? (sigh) I must admit, Where I’m at in life, this is hard. Forgiveness is an issue in a few areas… but in this weird way… I still want that brokenness to heal for them too… I just don’t want anything to do with it… and again, I think it’s for good reasons.
Whooh… are ya still with me? (I think my Aderoll has kicked in… or it’s wearing off and now you get the best of me:)
… round 2
I refuse to let the abuse define me… take over… cloud my thinking!!! I will not let him win… IF he could only see who I am… that I never lost my love… that my passions are used to glorify Jesus and he can’t stop that burning desire I have to live a life full of hope,faith, and LOVE… just to live. I am crazy in love with my Jesus and NO ONE can take that away from me!
Yes, I may walk throughout the valley of shadow of death… but i will fear no evil for my God is with me. And yes, life can get hard and flat out depressing. BUT, “hold heart my child I have come to rescue the broken” The Beatles state it well, “And when the brokenhearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer, let it be.” Jesus stated it better” “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” And what is the world… What does the news tell us… what do we see daily; the world is broken… and he tells us to take heart! He has overcome the brokenness“
If you’re still with me after all that rambling… than what I am trying to say is that I think I know who I am… and that’s a blessing to me tonight because I’ve been searching for a long time now… and it’s good to be me… THE REAL ME.
Let it be? or Be? I am going to BE…
I know that there is healing in HIS name.
That the brokenness is heal-able!
So… when we’re falling apart
barley breathing….
with a broken heart…
there is still meaning in the pain…
there is still healing in HIS name…
there is still meaning… so hold on…. He has come to overcome the world… hang on another day… it will be okay.
The brokenness won’t last forever.
We have not lost our way.
…and I have not forgotten my way home!
This is my prayer, a song that has been repeated about 50 times this week. The words to this song are so beautiful and powerful… I highlighted my favorite lines. I know that God is working in me. I may not always see the light, it’s hard when you are trapped in a dark moment…. remembering has been harder than I could ever imagine… in fact if I knew it was going to be this hard I would have never started. I feel stuck in the middle of this storm and I’m not sure how God is going to save me from this. I want to to stop but I feel like their is equal distance from the finish line to the start line. (It’s a very scary place to be!) HE sure did rescuer me from the raging sea a few days ago. I thought for sure I was being swallowed whole from the most treacherous waves. When all my hope expired… My God intervened and was HOPE for me.
The Greatness of our God,
-Hillsong
Give me eyes to see
More of who You are
May what I behold, still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known
And break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I’m far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.
Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear.
That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.
No sky contains,
No doubt restrains,
All You are,
The greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know,
And I’m far from close
To all You are,
The greatness of our God.
And there is nothing
That can ever separate us.
There is nothing that can ever
separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.
And no words can say, or song convey,
all You are the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know,
And I’m far from close
to all You are,
the greatness of our God.
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
Seventeen years ago tomorrow, I gave birth to a little boy and I had no idea how special he would be in my life. I didn’t know that my life would change forever and my world would revolve around the happiness and safety of someone else. Most importantly, I only thought I knew what love … Continue reading »
Welcome to Free Write Friday. If you are new here, feel free to read the intro. Otherwise, let’s get started. Here is your FWF prompt… Things to remember: Post your entry on your blog.Comment this post with your link.Please, be kind & comment others.Use #FWF hashtag on Twitter.Have a great weekend! ~Kellie Continue reading »
Look at me like you used to; in the beginning when I was brand new. Smiling, unaware with that stare like a child amazed, dazed by twinkling lights. Unwrap me like a gift and hold me close like I am everything you ever wished for. Look at me like you used to; in the beginning … Continue reading »
As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!
Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips. We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.
