Perhaps just sometimes the story… finds the story teller
not the other way around
She existed because she dreams
She dreams no more
It’s in the pages
It’s in the words
Search with me
And perhaps you or I will find who is telling the story
She’s been bleeding along time
suffering in poetry and prose
The dreamer will dream no more
The pen has been laid to rest
It’s already been said
Posted in Healing one day at a time
I have no strength left to pen from within this soul that’s been cast into such a mess as this.
~L
Posted in Healing one day at a time
I write from the depths of my being
I bleed words of moments meant to be left alone.
I cry emotions that have never been fully grieved
…And I wonder what is the point
…temptation for total control is dangerously increasing.
…letting go? … It’s not working and my thoughts of surrounding opinions and judgment from others – I am allowing it to eat away at whatever little amount of self-love I have.
…I need help today – but my fear, pride and self-disgust that it’s still so big, is getting in the way of reaching out my hand and asking.
Continue reading
Posted in Healing one day at a time
Enter your password to view comments.
Posted in Healing one day at a time
Tagged a little of this and that, childhood, fear, lost
I am not sure how long yet, but I think it’s best if I take a break from posting new writes for for a bit. I will still read when I can from my subscribers blog.
I am under an extreme amount of pressure and situational struggles that need my attention. It’s hard to make this decision because it is you, my readers who are very encouraging and affirming. I appreciate each one of you and I’m very grateful for the kindness you have shown me.
I don’t know how long it will be? …perhaps a week, two… or maybe a poem once every other week. (…through one up there for a Free Write Friday and just let it be, with out the pressure of the ‘rules’ of poetry. Of course those rules are mostly my own set of standers and perhaps ridicules ones – but none the least… I allow it to suck me in to play the role of pressuring me to ‘do it just so’)
I will still be writing (always), yet for now it will be with pen and paper (and a sore hand) ;) Feel free to read previous posts and share your thoughts if you feel so led :) I just edited five posts that explain my story as best as it could be shared… so much that I even learned about myself re-reading them today… and you know you’re going through a slump when that happens.
You can catch up there or wherever when you want to. When your comments come across my phone throughout the day, they always give me a warm feeling that someone is caring at the moment enough to take the time to share their thoughts about reading something I wrote from my heart.
Continue reading
Posted in Healing one day at a time, Random Blog Posts
Tagged a little of this and that, faith, fight, hope, hurt, music, remembering, thoughts, Trust, Video Poetry, voice
You’re on the other side of this wall, aren’t you?
It doesn’t matter how thick… it’s extent
I still feel your green eyes penetrating through
Weaving around double-crossing re-rod
Wondering, can they ever be bent?
Her quite prayer’s to God…
Have they already been spent?
The cold air has left the feeling of déjà-vu
Is it you in the air…
or is it my guilt and its crew?
True or false
I feel it though
And whoa!
Don’t they think they’re the boss!
.
I’m worn-out with all the trying
Trying to let me let you speak
Here I leave you stuck in poetry and pros
Writing on pages, Dear Diary…
then keeping you closed
It’s not effective, I know
I want to scream you out
I want for you
to believe your words can be heard
That you have that right to title your secrets
I just keep striking out
My word!
My voice is incredibly slurred!
I’m afraid I’m not brave
I’m terrified
Shame – a title wave
Fear- classified
Maybe it’s not always a blessing we survived?
Just maybe it would’ve been better to title a grave
Others judge what they see?
Yet, I’m the one living with she
There are places in this mind,
that I have never been able to find
That is where you lie, isn’t it?
In such pain confined
You’re trapped there, aren’t’ you?
.
You speak to me in dreams
Remind me in cold air pleas
You try to tell me in the energy
Under the full moon – it’s extreme
It’s hard to love myself
When I abandon such a small child
Keep her on a dusty dark shelf
On the other side of a wall, feeling reviled
There is no guarantee to know
if it’s safe to come out and breath?
I don’t know sweetie…
I honestly don’t know
.
And as I keep trying
You keep crying
Wondering
If heaven’s been packed away
While we just keep dancing
in a homicidal ballet
..
.
*Dance in the dark, picture credit to – lown_c with flicker. Click on picture to see more of this talented work.~
The most perfect song that finishes the words I can’t find… a complete to this post … “baby ballerina, is hiding somewhere in the corner”…
Posted in Healing one day at a time, My favorite posts
Tagged a little of this and that, abuse, childhood, help, lost, past, poetry, remembering, Sound Cloud, traumatic memories, voice
Crying for Heaven’s rainbow beams
Hell’s flames haunt my dreams
Child’s faith I once embraced
Along this path it’s been misplaced
Here I lie in a memory of red
awaiting bravery to move ahead
I’m afraid of a dark code
that lingers on this yellow brick road
It’s not that easy to click your heels
and just go home and heal
God if you’re listening…
Hold me by a thread if you must
as I learn to grieve and trust
Courage, wisdom and heart I need
This would be my greatest plea
I miss Your sacred touch
To the heights of the Heavens – that’s how much
Posted in Healing one day at a time
Tagged a little of this and that, childhood, courage, poetry, prayer
I hide my face that grins and lies
Behind a mask to disguise
There she cries
In the shadow of their religion
I have been uninvited
Torn and bleeding
As they pass on by with their tries
Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes
My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory
Posted in Healing one day at a time, Poems by ~L
Tagged courage, faith, God, Mask, past, poetry, Religion and Spirituality
I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow
Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief
Feed the faith
Starve the doubt
Posted in Healing one day at a time, Poems by ~L
Tagged darkness, depression, faith, hope, hopelessness, Jingle Poetry, Poems by ~L, poetry, Trust
So I’m sure if I give it enough time the words will come.
11:00 – 11:08 – 11:20 – 11:25. …sigh
Look, I have a lot of words to say – but I think I have more tears than words. …and sometimes that’s all that needs to be said are tears, and then hope that someone will hear what can’t seem to be verbalized. — because it’s important to me.
Posted in Healing one day at a time
I’ve seem to have lost the words
I’m not sure where they went…
Perhaps I’m discouraged that my depression is back and has spiraled into a pain that is unexplainable. I feel shame and guilt for feeling this way after two years of searching for wholeness and healing. What a disappointing fall. I’ve struggled with aloneness… and now that I barely write or blog… I feel like I’ve lost this community too.
I re-read many of my posts and say that’s exactly how I feel but whats the point of reposting them now? I don’t have many others that say it loud enough like:
PTSD – This is what it feels to me.
~or
It’s just a mess right now… a discouraging and embarrassing mess. I’m trying to write… but the words just are not coming together like they used to…
missing you all
~L
** This pertains to many different times in my life.. but mostly 6 months ago to present... and how some can't see past my "scarlet letter now" This is my testimonie of this situation in my life. This is not in anger or bitterness... this is my story... my story starting with a verse from Luke, Chapter 10
One occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
Yet he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
Here is my loose translation of this passage found In Luke 1o:25-37
A girl was going down a life’s journey when she was attacked by various abusers for many years. They stripped of her cloths and innocence; beat her and went away leaving her half dead. After yet another heartbreaking event she became weary and sick…. She went for help and was abandoned by a place that said they would take care of her; left on the side of the road helpless and alone.
The Church happened to be going down the same road and when they saw this girl , they passed by on the other side. They left her knowing she curled up broken on the ground and most were much too busy to help her. Much to concerned about her wrongs rather then her her broken-es…
So too, many friends, when they came to the place and saw her, passed by on the other side. Giving a few kind words but not offering to her the support and help she needed… just words as she lied there half dead. But a Stranger, not one of her own, had traveled by, came where the girl was; and when they saw her, they took pity on her. They went to her and bandaged her wounds, feed her, prayed with her; loved her with the love of God. They gave her a place to stay and took care of her despite the sacrifice that could and would come because they chose to be obedient to the greatest commandment; LOVE.
Posted in Healing one day at a time
Tagged Christianity, depression, Evil, God, good Samaritan, hopelessness, PTSD, Religion and Spirituality, suicide
I wasn’t searching for a lost masterpiece but when I came across a damaged canvas I realized that this unnoticed hidden piece of art could be what someone once convinced me that something valuable would be found amongst the search. In the midst of the wreckage and hard work of trying to simply live; I knew that a time would come when I opened the door to this forgotten place that I would be flirting with the pain that was going to be revealed of a reality that I thought was better locked and forgotten; better off in a ceremonies of goodbyes and end it with gasoline and a strike of a match.
I never thought too, that I would find something worth repair. As I looked at the potential this painting had… I stood a great distance from where my frozen body stood and where this ‘reason’ lied against a wall crying out with a bit of faith and hope. I heard a familiar voice saying “this is one of those problems that just has to be solved; had to… because the finished project was worth the grueling and timely restoration”.
Posted in Healing one day at a time, My favorite posts
Tagged art work, God, Healing, hope, lost art, music, PTSD, Religion & Spirituality
As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!
? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how? How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul? Do you know what you are asking of me at times? Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?
Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.
How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?
How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.
There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.
Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips. We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.
They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.
Remember, you’re (we’re) tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?
We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.
No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)
It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul“
To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;)
a quick history to this song…. it is heartbreaking beautiful! A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found…. it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”
I want to scream aloud
all the pain that lies within
dig at my rejecting flesh
I can no longer stand to be with in!
I am screaming inside
at this darkness
for it to leave
pleading for it to flee!
be gone
go away
I want ‘me’ back
PLEASE!!!!
Continue reading
He didn't like it when I played... my daddy did but he was never home... I did it in the secret anyway...
Oh, God please hear me this night....
....must be a pill for that
a picture may be worth a thousand words but in this case it's a thousand mysteries... don't try and understand ... it just won't happen.
Posted in Healing one day at a time, My art work
Tagged expressing healing with pictures, Healing, photograph, photos, PTSD
Okay, if you have followed the last four posts you know that God showed Himself to me as a child. I walked and talked with Him, and as I grew a bit older, went to church and learned more about Him my love grew even more. Then all Hell broke loose and I endured dark dark moments. Then God seemed distant, God seemed to create a safe place for me, God again then seemed distant and then His love would show its self again to me. I became angry, I became silent… etc… It was all unfair and I endured it. It’s confusing to wonder why God won’t just snap his fingers and change this. (Truth be told I still feel that way at times. I’m not sure who doesn’t)
… And now today; oh yes the present. The present is full of should have’s, could have’s and this and that’s. It’s full of the shame of things I’ve done wrong and the guilt that comes with that too. It’s full of its PTSD crap and triggers and depression and etc… The question now lies is there ever an excuse to choose wrong because I had a crappy childhood? No, there is never an excuse. Excuse no, but grace and mercy yes.
Do you know what statistics say about those who were abused and no one noticed or noticed and did nothing about it as a child? What happens when you wait until you are an adult to face your fears? Are you ready… because this is very unfair to read.
Children sexually and/or physical abused are:
.
Adults abused during childhood are: –>
Image via Wikiped-more than twice as likely to have at least one lifetime psychiatric diagnosis
-almost three times as likely to have an affective disorder
-almost three times as likely to have an anxiety disorder
-almost 2 ½ times as likely to have phobias
-over 10 times as likely to have a panic disorder
-almost 4 times as likely to have antisocial P.D.
Suicide and self-injury
Delinquency, adolescent and criminal behavior
Too many more to keep listing… way to many…
So that’s a lot of statistics! The odds are stacked up against me and anyone who has been a victem of childhood abuse. My Friend… My God is bigger than all those odds!! The odds say I should be socially shy; yet I can speak and sing in front of hundreds of people. I can speak to my youth kids and somehow impact their life in positive way. I relate with these kids and its crazy how I am able to be used by God to share with them about how to deal with stuggeles and how they are not alone with their pain and questions about the World and God and who broke up with who. According to these statistics above I should be depending on drugs or alcohol to live; nope. I should be violent; nope.( I am a door slammer though) I should be one of those kids that murdered her perpetrator, come back and seek revenge on her parents -nope. I should I should I should… nope nope and nope.
It would be putting on the biggest mask if I were to say that none of those statistics have affected me. Some of them have, but thought that is true I don’t have to let that statistic run my life… I learn how to cope with it and surpass it. Even if all my “nope’s” were yes’s… I still too could defeat them… it is possible, hard but very possible! God is bigger than all of this. Evil was done to me… but I don’t have to choose to be stuck in the odds. I don’t have to choose to do evil things/bad things. I am not all bad nor am I all good; no one is… and that’s just it, we choose to do what we can with what we are given… we learn, we grow, we extend grace and we receive grace. God’s grace is greater then all of the ‘bad’ we do. I am fighting every day to live my life the best I can. My God has saved me from what could have been worse. (some day’s I wonder what could have been worse but the fact that I am alive proves it could be worse… the fact that I’m alive and capable of beingloving mother to my girls proves it could be worse. The fact that I am passionate to speak out against injustice proves that it could be worse) That does not mean those who have and are drowning in these statistics can’t get help…. It’s a hard fight! A fight that you are worth and a fight that others who understand want to fight with you. Reach out and make that first step in fighting… and grab on to another hand to help guide you. (A pastor, counselor, doctor)
It’s a hard fight for me to be the woman God has made me to be when I have some of those statistics, having; PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Phobias, DID , Suicide attempts, Sleep Disturbance, Headaches, an Abortion, teen mom, Domestic Abusive Relationships, Anger, and a few more others I suppose. It is very hard to fight your way to healing… That seems like a long list – I’m kida disgusted actually now that I just listed it all out… huh… You know, it could be so much worse, just read the statistic again.
I could not imagine how hard it would be to be homeless, or a drug user, or have abused my own children, or commit a violent crime, be imprisoned, and then try to heal from my childhood.
The God I serve can defeat these odds . I should have never been the child to grow up and become sociable, an all-star athlete, an A student; (even though I claimed the statistic of becoming a teen mom, I still got my diploma, first one on my mom’s side of the family) I raised my baby without help from parents. I, as an adult, have been able to work and do it well! For sometime I was a single mom, going to college full-time and waiting tables 30 hours a week. I have for the past 2 years, up until just a few months ago, worked with teens; mentoring and building unbelievable relationships with them. Its been said that I am a strong leader, I connect with the brokenhearted people in this world…
I am able to use my voice in front of hundreds of people even though I was told to never sing and it was never good enough as a child. I never gave up singing about God and His love… never gave up singing to Him and all the odds say I should be the girl in the crowd with my head down. Not this girl! I’m also a mom to my beautiful girls, cook some pretty amazing meals, and more…. The odds say I could not do that.
If adults that suffered from sexual abuse from childhood had the same odds as the lottery; prisons, counseling centers and mental hospitals would be a declining business; right? If the majority of people who are clients, patients or serving time in these places were abused as children; they would not be there if the abuse never happened, right? (that’s what statistics say). We would have smaller prisons and a healthier society. …. Yet evil still exists and wondering what it would be like if the statistics claimed us like 1 in a billion instead of 1 in 4 or 1 in 2….. It’s all just a dream – a sad one at that.
Satan does not want my friend God to win. The odds are more like Russian roulette with the devil. The thing is… my God wins in the end even if you get the bullet to the brain… In the end He will win… we just need to believe and know His name and grow with Him each day we breathe life. He loves us because He love us because He loves us. Nothing we do will make Him love us less. We need to love ourselves enough to believe and receive that love and I promise you your world will change, not change like black to white, but change from seeing only black to seeing hope. You will not be alone even when it seems you are. In the end LOVE DOES WIN… it just might not be here on Earth. Hang on dear friends our Lord has said, “Take heart in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world”
Trust and grief can coincide. It is still awful.
Trust does not make the pain go away.
TRUST infuses the pain with HOPE.
HOPE sees BEYOND the pain.
Seeing only the pain infuses suffering with despair.
I am trusting AND grieving
… and yes! …it hurts!
… and yes I’m desperately clinging to hope
… and no it does not make the hurt go away
… but as I trust; I feel a rising hope
… and I somehow can see beyond the pain. That is HOPE… that is what God is… that is what changes. It does not take the pain away or what is not in our control necessarily, but believing in that loving God and His Word gives us a hope to hold on to when we are in the midst of adversity… and also to show that same hope to others in the midst of their own adversity.
The odds of ‘us’ thriving from childhood abuse look pretty pathetic! Is their something we can do about this? Do we just throw in the towels; let’s these numbers and figures claim us… or do we use our voice and for those that can’t do we use are voice even more to stand in the gap for them? Yes! Some ask if I really have a genuine fear about my abusers finding out what I’m saying and why I have a blog if I live in that fear… I try to stay on the “DL” with it. But… I need to use my voice and I just pray and hope that the people who hurt me are not going to find out who untitled-moments really is. Courage my dear friends, it’s courage.
! If just maybe our schools would stop teaching our kids ‘stranger danger’ and teach them that also danger lies in homes, and churches, and ‘safe places’ maybe the odds would not be so against us. If churches would stop protecting their name to keep hush on this… maybe the odds would be better. If the people who are supposed to shelter adults as they counsel them to heal don’t abandon them because of lack of insurance or ‘other problems’. If so many mental health providers and hospitals stopped over drugging all of us and show love and kindness and stop treating clients like a flipping file or a number. Stop treating us like a statistic!!!! STOP STOP STOP! You are giving the good doctors and therapists a bad name… we need to trust someone! Teach us the skills to overcome, be patient with us, and if you don’t know how- humble yourself enough and direct us to one that does.
If damn parents would not turn their heads when their kids were being abuse because it’s too hard for them to know, and that goes too for neighbors, youth leaders, teachers, etc; if people would just stop being silent and treating the victims of abuse like it’s too much to handle and it’s better to shut your mouth… then just maybe the odds would not be stacked against ‘us’ and the statistics would change.
My statistic say all of you who turn your head are cowards! They are children! They are adults that still have this child trapped within needing support now!
If maybe my mom would not have ignored me. If only the church that my mom drove me to in the middle of the night when I built up the courage to say five words, ” mom, grandpa is hurting me”. If only, if only…. How could a church turn their back on a 12-year-old girl? How could a mother allow evil to happen and ignore? How could a dad be blind? How could people now tell me to live in secrecy… why would churches tell me to stay hush? All those should have’s – could have’s did not, has not and will not happen. It is now my time to take those odds, stack them all up, step on top of them and tell all those people: You have wronged a mighty soul and the God of all is not happy. STOP KEEPING SECRETS!!!! STOP! 
It is your turn to shut up, sit down and stop doing God’s job! He will protect the precious name of your organization, your church name, etc… BUT if you choose to hide ‘it’ thinking that hiding ‘it’ will make it easier for you maybe in 30 years, it will come back to haunt you like it did with this missionary organization that thought they could play God. (Read here.) These places must know that you have to educate themselves when working with children or are in the ministry. You need to know how to deal with these situations. We are fragile humans that need love and support. Take up a stand, start support groups, know where to send people to get help, and for goodness sakes take part in Child Abuse Awareness Month this April! Listen to the abused even when their voice is silent. Listen.
It’s time we told those odds that they can go to hell where they belong; they can burn in the flames where the ones that tried stealing mine and so many others’ life away. They don’t define us even though some of them are true for us. We are not a statistic. We are beautiful and can rise about the odds! And my Friend God does care, He is not a statistic. I know He is real because I would not be alive or functioning with out His hand holding me from drowning in this raging sea of statistics and odds and all the secrets.
I am rising above the odds. I have a long road to heal… but now that I have shaken some of those odds off; the road sees a brighter hope.
Watch this…. This is a clip from a T.V. show…. To set the stage before this clip: A troubled young adult named Gary, endured unspeakable abuse from his foster parents. Gary has turned very angry to society killing people who trigger his abuse. This post is almost incomplete without this video. Thanks for watching. “You’re good… you’re not Gary”.
I am not all good or bad, but I do have a choice … I am not my mom; I will protect my kids at all cost. I am not like so many in my family who choose to live in silence, hide in drugs and alcohol and suffer because they choose to ignore God and tell me I have a ‘creative imagination’. I’m not the one living in a house with no electric, filth and smoke pot 3 -4 times a day. …or the one who abuses his children and wife. I am not the one who goes back to her abusive boyfriend over and over and over again. I am not the one who get’s himself in trouble with the law over and over again. That is the family I grew up with and it’s sad… it’s very sad and I pray so hard that they will see and one day overcome the awful statistics that they hold on to in fear. It’s the only way they know. I am rising above the odds because I have chosen to have my God be my guide and not secrets and evil! (oh, ouch!!! I am editing this a year later and I oh did I just eat a piece of my own advice… ugh) I am not saying better than my family… I am choosing to live better. Like I stated I have my demons but they no longer define who I am!!! That is why my God is real and why I know that I know that I know :) Don’t believe because I do… find Him and seek Him with all your heart… He will show you His realness. Try it… you might like it :)
I also refuse to split this post in a million pieces because it’s 3,115 words plus an 8 minute video with even more words :) Statistics say you wont read it all… but for those who did… I thank you for beating the odds :)
much love, ~L
Posted in Healing one day at a time, Knowing God and Making Him known, Random Blog Posts
Tagged Border Line Personality Disorder, child abuse, children of the dark, courage, depression, DID, fear, Jesus, Posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD, Religion and Spirituality, Sexual abuse, statistics of childhood abuse, survivor, Survivors, voice
Freely written at 10pm. No need for me to re read my heart… this is the real deal… no proof reading tonight… what you see is what you get)
As Much as I want to finish this and tell you the storm has passed and I see sunshine… All I have right now is a rainbow… a rainbow to tell me that someday this too shall pass and you can be alive the way my God has planed for me to be. I had a beautiful way to end this serious (if that what you want to call it?) I’m a bit weary at the moment and it would be a lie for me to finish what needs to be said… so soon I will but not today.
I am not going to bring the sunshine to you today when it’s not shinning. I know it’s still behind those clouds… so hope is still present, but honestly these last three posts have taken a huge tole on me. I have had to remember a lot and mourn much in a short time with no comfort or anyone to hold me as the tears fall and my body feels the pain of all the yesterdays. As I type this right now I think how very far I am from ‘home’.
Depression is depression… that is the season I am in right now. A season where the memories for the past year have flipped my life upside down and sent me into a shock. I HAVE NOT DIED… I AM NOT YET DEAD! I am just depressed and SUFFERING from a very VERY difficult past. I am ALIVE and I’m going to live my life the way.
I have fought and fought… took some breaks… fought and fought. I am closer to where I was yesterday… but these last miles one runs are the hardest… your tired, thirsty,and you just want it to be done. This has been a long marathon and these last miles are not to be mistaken as ‘almost done’ they need to be understood as ‘please please hold me up when I fall, please please encourage me to the finish line, please please please coach me in what is best to make it, please please if I fall come pick me up and finish the race with me…. Desperation is a funny thing… it really humbles you enough to say, “I need help”.
I AM NOT YET DEAD… I am going to live today… and tomorrow and the next and the next… I am worth the fight… because I have value … my God tells me so… so “don’t bury me… I’m not yet dead”!!!
Thank you for coming along with me on this long marathon! Thank you for your words of hope… it’s been like a shot of Gatorade for me. And for those that have prayed… it’s been like you snuck me in a 5 hour energy drink ;) I am very thankful for your prayers and support! You have no idea how that make me feel… So… for all of that I am thank you… it’s very humbling to have one read your broken heart… it’s not a fun nor a great read… but the words of hope from you and times when one can relate bring a sense of understanding why I keep writing and it truly is humbling.
I’m not yet dead! Great song ;) My fight song today… :) I still got some rock left in me ;)
Posted in Healing one day at a time
Tagged Alive, childhood, courage, depression, God, hopelessness, Jesus, pain, PTSD
I can’t explain why I still trusted God throughout all of that… I just did. I couldn’t deny the reality of this God because I was mad at Him. I couldn’t deny His realness because I didn’t understand. I am too tired to get all scientific and theological with you. I am not wired that way. I do have a few friends on the other hand that are. So if you really need science and theology to prove it to you; I can send them your questions. I’ve asked them many!
I learned that love is a choice. Not everyone had to choose to love my God. I learned that love never fails. WHAT?!? LOVE NEVER FAILS? WELL THEN WHY IN THE WORLD IS MY GOD FAILING ME NOW IF HE LOVES ME SO MUCH????? I was a child!!! Love is a choice? Yes, love is a choice… not everyone chooses love. We were giving that choice of free will (more words but not now). Not everyone is going to want to love and do good. People choose not to love me. They choose to do evil things to me. They chose over and over and over again to steal my ability to even think. Time and time again they chose not to love me but time and time again my ‘friend’ never left my side. These monsters chose to hurt me because I live in a world were evil wants so bad to steal our souls away from God. They want to cloud our judgment on what is real by throwing lies in our face everywhere we go. I didn’t need science to prove when I feel and see the evidence of my ‘friend-God’
left in silence
Then there came a time when I remember hearing nothing! Nothing at all not even a feeling of the ‘wind’. I couldn’t take it. I still had to believe somehow even though my God was silent. …as well as this child.. She had to stay silent. I never felt so alone in all my life. I was silent, my God was silent. I didn’t talk for months and months. This once loud laughing, fast talking, and little singer stayed silent. Silent in the pain … and so did my God, silence surrounded me… darkness engulfed me and I became so severely depressed. I remember standing on the edge of the lawn that met the dirt road in front of our home; I was trying to find the courage to walk out in front of a car. I truly thought I was the only one who could protect myself from this darkness. I wanted life so badly but it was striped from me. I wanted to breathe again, to catch butterflies, to sing in the sun and laugh and laugh… but everything was silent.
I now believe that evil is evil and it is going to try to destroy anything in its way that holds a valid threat to bring light to expose their darkness; and sometimes it takes away the ability to hear or speak. It leaves you locked in silence.
these two songs say it better than I can explain.
Posted in Healing one day at a time, My favorite posts
Tagged Beauty from pain, courage, depression, Evil, Jesus, PTSD, Religion and Spirituality
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
One of L’s favorite blogs… check it out :) The Other 167 Hours
