I write from the depths of my being
I bleed words of moments meant to be left alone.
I cry emotions that have never been fully grieved
…And I wonder what is the point
…temptation for total control is dangerously increasing.
…letting go? … It’s not working and my thoughts of surrounding opinions and judgment from others – I am allowing it to eat away at whatever little amount of self-love I have.
…I need help today – but my fear, pride and self-disgust that it’s still so big, is getting in the way of reaching out my hand and asking.
Some days I wish I could stop writing in poetry and pros and bluntly say why it is that hurts so bad; why it has been such a long road and why it’s not just as easy to “get over it”. … why I doubt, fear, love the way I do, lack trust… and
I am screaming inside again… listening to the resounding voices, “give up”.
-I have a choice to ignore that nagging voice… but sometimes I like the feeling that it could all be done with one choice. There are hundreds of words following that thought, but…
God, please lift me in a place of peace – pour courage into my spirit to be strong enough to continue. Forgive me for all my doubt… my faith is weak.
I don’t want a tomorrow
I just want the dust to take my tired body and free this soul from this world that teases it with amazing wonders and love – beauty and laughter – oh the joy is an amazing feeling to experience… those moments ARE beautiful … yet this soul has become buried by the reality of pain and I don’t want a tomorrow…
There’s a poem I wrote a few months back tittled, I Am Many, that captures this moments that I’m enduring right now.
I feel that there is war of clashing and somewhere I know which one I want to be but she is so scared and passive, confused and full of shame. She wants to hide all the awful away… there is a raging war within and I just want it to stop… stop.