Monthly Archives: June 2011

It is well with my soul

As your world crumbles around you… Stand still? When devastation blindsided you… Stand still? When your worst fears become real and break the levies to your hope… Stand still? Stand still. Stand still. Stand still !?!

? Stand ‘still’ …as the currents sweep you further and further away from your dreams, your life, your home… from peace and sanity. How? Someone please… tell me how?  How do I still delight in taking notice in the colors of the world when the black and gray press deep within my soul?  Do you know what you are asking of me at times?  Do you know what is in that black and gray? How unspeakable it seems to be? How?

Where do we find such knowledge? Monks for years have mastered it. The Holy word is our manual in achieving it. Yet, even though we know where to find it… we continue fighting the current, race past the un-noticed beauty and then realize we’ve become too exhausted and too worn out to even give love to our loves. We are tired, burned out, drained and weary.

How did those before us stand up to the race of time… to find a way to live a life of harmony and peace (does that even exists)… to live a life conquered over pain and built stronger over the devastation? Must we be a saint to stand the test of time?

How? How do we “let go and let God“… to know that the crumbling moments are not all the moments? … That devastation does not have to take over, the fear turned into reality that just flooded your soul, are not all minutes in your day! Yes, oh, yes… their are awful moments… sometimes gross unspeakable moments… but even at that… they are not all your moments.

There is more…Oh, how there is so much more. More than to be drowned by the shattering mess of life, Stuck under the ruble, left hopeless by the devastation. And if this were not enough … let us not forget it’s all been tripled as the flood gates have been relentless. There seems to be no rest to regain just an ounce of strength.

Our spirits have been challenged in the darkness and pain… challenged to rise above, to become still, surrender our own will, relax, chill out perhaps. We for so long tend to deny ourselves the moments to enjoy the taste of life… ice cream… berries… and yes, even the tears that stream to our lips.  We half take notice in the stories of our children… what about the spring mornings or the summer sunsets. The rain on a window pane or the star filled sky. How do we get it back… to know what we already know? Oh, dear self and friends, “stop doing it yourself”! Let the whispers of heaven guide us… listen to the voice of God… we must be still to hear for His wisdom. Too, we must not forget how God desires to carry our weak bodies across to a hiding place, where it is His love that shelters us from total devastation.

They’re moments in time that bring us to our knees, and then, there are moments in time that bring us to our knees. It is very different when we know where to go once we now know why we’re there. Remembering what God can do in the face of what we are unable to do, is being still… even when we are on our knees… especially when we are on our knees.

Remember, you’re (we’re)  tired, hungry, weary, and worn out; yet we keep wanting to do it ourselves when we have nothing left to give? Why?

We need to know, what we know and if we just now know… we both must know, don’t draw back in faith in God. Stand still —not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know. Know it, not just intellectually, but sensibly, spiritually, and emotionally. He is your God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth, the all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth has and will challenge and test our faith; we shall endure the seemingly impossible moments because they are worth the fight for the ones that are too priceless…. as we often unnoticingly let them pass by… pass by because we forgot to be still and take notice of the colors in the midst of gray.

No need to be neither a saint nor a monk to learn how to meditate in the stillness of God… He has told us more than once in his Word… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Even if it’s just for a moment… it is a moment worthwhile)

It is well with my soul!
The world may break the flesh
cloud my mind
depress the spirit
deceive my will to go on
but what they may never take
is the will of the Father that gives me the courage to be still… and know,
“It is well with my soul

To read this post and hen listen to this song…. oh what a moment… a moment worthwhile;) 

a quick history to this song…. it  is heartbreaking beautiful!  A man lost his son to death, then his business to a fire in the 1800′s… all his life savings gone… he sent his wife and daughters on a ship back home which then sunk and left only the wife to survive…. on his way back this is the words he wrote… in the midst of moments of devastation… of sorrow and a weary spirit… he was still and new the moment was not the only moments to be found….  it was well in his soul… there is where his Savior, God lied with it… “it is well with my soul”

Sing to me a lullaby

Hold me light of the world
Love me… say you love me
and set me free

Sing me a lullaby as soft as you can
It will be all right. It will be all right
Sing me a melody as soft as you can
Rest tonight. Rest tonight

Hold me ‘Light of the world’
Love me… say you love me
and set me free

Sing me a lullaby as soft as you can
Tell me I’ll be all right. It will be all right
sing with angles in glorious harmony
Rescue me from it all. From the nights
Sing to me a lullaby
Continue reading

Light divided darkness

Despite the sorrow
Grief
Distress
And  troubling times

I desire to persevere
Through the fear
waste
void
And the darkness that  rears

With the Spirit of God
And His light that continues in grace
As He leads me towards glory
It’s this faith I must embrace

Loneliness may set in
Spoken words seemingly null
Yet, today I was reminded that in the stillness of solitude
Despite complexity
and setbacks in achieving victory…

The victory has already been spoken

In this seclusion of silent chaos
I must allow my spirit to grieve
It is in that realness where I shall achieve
I ought not let such darkness deceive
The true touch of God
I must believe
Will free the sorrow and heal my path
Why have I been so naïve?

Continue reading

Fathers Day

To my heavenly Father
my heart yearns to come home to you today
to be held in the weightlessness of your embrace
Father I long for the day to be surrounded by your love
To see you face to face

My heart fills with an impatientness to reside with you
where tears no longer flow
and heartache is no more
with my Father who’s love is pure as snow
who’s love is faithful forever more

It amazes me to know how it came be
that I knew Your love was real to me
How time and time again you have held my right hand…
From the times I skinned my knee
to times when my left hand was bound with misery

There is nothing more I desire
Than to be home with you

———————————————————————–

To my Father who has raised me here in this world
My heart knows the love you have for me
Daddy, I long for the day when your heart will foresee
how much a daughter needs a daddy in this world
My God choose you to keep me safe from the raging sea
I grow impatient as I await for you to give to me the love I need
This is my deepest plea
Daddy won’t your come

Your words of encouragement throughout the years
have made me be the fighter I am today
it’s been said by many
Continue reading

Sigh

I’m done asking for help. I’m done being a blog. (right) I’m done being sentences in a text. I’m done with rejection, with doctors that dismiss me and don’t even try…. Ive done With everything I was supposed to do.

I’m done standing in the aftermath alone and misunderstood!

Who am I? I don’t want to fight anymore… I’m too tired… I’m now done with my temper-tantrum :\

 

Sometimes

Sometimes all you can do is pray that HIS army will rise up and slay this darkness…. Because I need to sleep… I need to function… I need HIS hiding place. I am so tired… so very very tired…

For anyone who believes in prayer… Let the church rise…

Mother

Two forty eight in the morning
My mind is worn-out
My body in alarm
I close my eyes
And listen deep

I sometimes hear my mother singing
Then realized it was never to me
I breathe in
And release
I hang my head in the sorrow

Imagining her loving me
Her hands running through my hair
A gentle touch
A loving kiss
An affirmation of hope

Three twenty one in the morning
My heart grieves
My gut sinks
I wide eyed stair into the wall in front of me
Saddened by dull dreams

Continue reading

I’m scared… and alone… and realizing how much I miss you..

sunny skies or clouds and storms... you are always there! ...even when you're miles and miles away...

It’s nothing new… so for all of you who don’t want the same old sob story you can stop reading.  Tonight I feel to many things to sift through the mess of words and emotions.

I feel grateful for the many kind and thoughtful comments that i have received the past few days.  I have felt important… like my words are not just thrown together and left a mess….  i really am thankful for that!  I really hope that through my wine session that you still know that I am grateful for you, my readers and for the ones who do what they can… the best they know how:)

i have also realized that what I am going through is not a storm… not a lost soul in a raging sea… yes i once was there… but today i am standing on a pile of devastation, looking around at an aftermath of a storm that lasted too many years.  Where do I start?  I look around and it’s everywhere… what do I pick up first.  What room do I rebuild… and how in the world can I do this alone.  Someone anyone prove to me how one person could rebuild Katrina or Japan or Thailand… Ohio… the list goes on… how could one person re build with such a deviation.  It took the unity of love and selflessness to come alongside brokenness and not look at race, sex, religion, status… past… sins… shortcoming…  no one cares who you are or what you do when the world has just crumbled all around you.  Where are you!!!?????!!!  I don’t want to hear someone cheering for me in the distance… I want someone to love me.

Continue reading