Monthly Archives: April 2011

I’m letting go of all that I know

Posted on April 29, 2011 | 3 Comments

I’ve come to your throne here so cold and alonehere's to letting go
I’m calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide
And I cry, Lord take me away

Take this heavy heart, this weary soul
and set them free
Remove my self till there’s nothing left
But you alone in me

I’m letting go of all that I know
I’m holding on to you alone
I lay it all down, down here at Your feet
I want You alone… You alone.

If I go to the heavens above
Lord, I know you will be there
And if I make my bed in the depths
Lord I know you are there

If I rise on wings of the dawn
or sail on to the far side of the sea
Even still, Lord I know you will
You will always be there with me

I’m letting go of all that I know
I’m holding on to you alone
I lay it all down, down here at Your feet
I want you alone… you alone.

Inspired My Psalms 139

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Posted in Music is the heartbeat of my healing soul, Poems by ~L

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breaking logic

Posted on April 25, 2011 | 7 Comments

I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could have sunk into that floor.
To break logic and science and fall through solid matter as if it were sky.
I am sure I have prayed over a thousand times
That I could simply disappear into the ground that I laid upon.

Reality is…it was a cold hard floor that met my back
And as much as I would have liked to disappear beneath that foundation…
It never happened
The weight of their evil reminded my spine that this ugly truth
would only take something mystical to free me from this oppression

My skin…
It never forgets the temperature
Nor the grainy dirt that created friction between cement and body

My sense of smell…
It never forgets the affluent scent of fear,
Or the smell of cigarette smoke, sweat, and earth

My tongue…
It never forgets the taste of silenced words
or the mysterious metallic-like, nameless trace left residing in my mouth

My eyes…
They now seem unprotected once evil has been burned into my mind
The sight of his sadistic eyes and devilish smirk
It’s as if I were his heaven
And he was my eternal hell

My ears…
They hear the resounding lies as they echo in my mind
The sound of my heart beating,
The inner voice in my soul
And constant ringing of a phone

My spirit…
Lies broken once again
Hanging on to threads of truth
As it begs… begs heaven to break the rules just this once!

The cement, once again cradled this broken, naked, and humiliated body
Their obsessions seem to continue coming back to finish
I again tried breaking logic and reasoning with Mother Nature
Hoping that just maybe this time I would sink into the bed of mercy

I now lay night after night alone
I’m afraid to close my eyes
Every time I do the movie trailer of events
re-torture what is left of my mind
And again I lay here trying to rationalize with science and logic
Attempting to fall deeper and deeper into this bed

My skin can’t bear to connect with resistance
I seek a supernatural experience
A bottomless resting place for my back to lie
With hopes that just this once
I would be allotted to fall into protection

This time, tonight as I timidly lay my head to rest
I gently close my eyes, rest my hand lightly on my face
And envision it’s the safety of a protector.

As I fall deep into my bed
It’s as if I truly have become weightless tonight
I listen for your voice
And it comes

Without this image of shelter
All I would feel are the unwanted hands
I then fan the flame of imagination
Envisioning falling into a limitless bed of safety

It is in this reflection of this security
Where the whispers of relentless lies vanish
No visions of haunting eyes
The taste of terror is now disposed
…All in this seemingly simple voyage
Into a simple hand of shelter
Resting on my face

 

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Two Truths

Posted on April 21, 2011 | 5 Comments

TRUTH I

One never thinks to experience
being passionately desired
Obsessively ‘loved’
Fully attended to
As when one is the object of the desires
and passions of a person who loves to hate you

… who loves to destroy you
.. who is devoted in having power over you
…who takes thrill in mocking you in your helplessness
… who derives pure pleasure from your pain
..who takes delight in your fear
…whose eyes light up when you cringe?
..who worships in watching you shrivel into nothing before their eyes
…who fills up with a sick joy when you beg heaven
and are turned away from mercy

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keep singing

Posted on April 15, 2011 | 7 Comments

The clouds are thick. The rain is pouring. My feet are sunk into cement. I stand in this darkness unable to move.

Sometimes all I can do is keep singing even if just a hum comes out…. it has been my longest coping skill from the moment I could talk. I honestly don’t have many words… sometimes it’s just a melody with no lyrics.

I sense the feeling that depressing is on the rise. I am in need of someone to hold me. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t want to figure it out. I don’t want to understand tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I will make it through. I will make it through.

Sometimes it’s ‘family’ that is more important than therapy. Sometime one just needs the simplicity of support without judgment or restriction… or even opinions… just love. I would run back home tomorrow if I knew they would take this broken girl back with out condemning her, restricting who she is… I need to live the only way i know how… I need to keep singing.

I am learning that home is in my soul. That perhaps the only one to hold me through the dark and nightmare filled nights is my God. I’m so ridiculously human that I still crave a warm touch to show me I’m still alive and worth the love.

(too many tears) Why did you take what was not yours to take? That stated question pertains in various levels to various people. Some took my sense of safety. Some took my body. Some took what only God should be allowed to remove. Some took my passions…. and again I say, “you can take the passion away from the girl but you can’t take the passion out of the girl” … not this one at least… not this one.  Temporally stealing away my right to be me is just as bad as temporally suffocating one… temporally is too long to not breath they way she breaths.  I need to keep singing.

I ‘gotta keep singing… that’s the only way that I find healing…

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Honesty of what is going on…

Posted on April 14, 2011 | 6 Comments

Honesty… I had someone reading my blog that i really needed not to know.  I am leaping with faith that it doesn’t matter anymore.  Honesty I feel my self slipping into a deep depression again and I need this blog as it has been a releasing of my spirit as I can be free with my words.  I appreciate each reader and comments.  I maybe selfishly need that support.

This is who I am… a passionate girl who writes.  I feel that sharing it with the world is better than keeping it in a journal to only collect dust on a shelf.  If I can encourage one because of my story then I am going to take that chance.  No more secrets.  I thought about starting a new blog but I think I would miss all of you whom I have built this relationship over the past year.  I want to be faithful and honest with you.  So yes, as summer approaches I will blog less and spend more time with my sunshine’s and butterfly.  They give me joy and a reason to push on.  This blog is where I push on for myself.  It is hear that I learned that I have a purpose and too I have learned here how to love myself.  It is a back and forth battle at times, yet I am that much closer to that full understanding of who I really am.

I am a mother, first, before a writer… before a friend… before my other passions… I am a mother. Balance is an important thing I must learn. Sometimes it’s hard to truly love the ones who mean the most to you. You try to protect them from your own pain, your scars, your sickness, your past and the evil that seems to keep haunting you. I vow today to each day be the best mom I can be; it’s not all the hoopla that the world makes us believe moms have to be. The house can be a mess, laundry needing to be put away, a frozen pizza or staying up late on a school night. That is not what makes a good mother. Going to the park and leaving laundry, spare your needed energy that making a big meal takes and throw a pizza in and curl up on the couch to watch a move with you babies. Watch them sleep as you thank God for their health and their safety… leave your writing for the rainy days that their at school. Make their mornings special. Never stop telling them you love them.

They notice our love more than our depression or difficult moments. When it comes to your kids, Love wins. Love them, love them, love them. Sometimes love has to be a choice… but love them.  My little one has such a precious love for me. She reminds me that I am needed and even if I never follow the dream of singing… it is enough that she thinks that I am her favorite singer. My middle one is my snuggler… she need my love the most and it is the most work to love her at times. My oldest is amazing and the easiest to love… Just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. I came in her life when she was 10. She has given me much joy and sunshine as my cloudy days seem to be more and more… her love always brought sunshine to me.
…my lullaby to my beautiful kids Sung by ~L

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Giving it a break… and it’s okay

Posted on April 9, 2011 | 5 Comments

As spring is nearing and I begin to feel a sense of a new direction in my life. I think I am going to spend my moments enjoying the short-lived warm and beautiful whether we have in the north. So, for all the time I spend writing posts I am going to exchange them for moments of outside time; beaches, zoo, park, and walks.  The hours that I spend at night staring at a computer screen is going to be replaced with an early bedtime and reading some books.

I suppose a part of me feels loss and sadness… but the other feels freeing to just take a break and enjoy the short-lived moments of spring and summer to the fullest with my girls. I think it’s a new chapter in my life; a necessary one.
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The reality is… in my reality you can’t come

Posted on April 7, 2011 | 3 Comments

wishing you could come...

Won’t you come?

Keep me safe in the darkness
As shadows rise
and memories begin to flood my eyes
Won’t you come?

Let the safety of your hand
resting on my shoulder bring comfort
It is needed much
I wish for a gentle touch
Alone this is too much to confront
Won’t you come?

I just can't be alone with my eyes are closed

When I close my eyes
The movie trailer becomes
And all I want to do is die
As the many awful memories
Are behind each and every sigh
I am not sure I can do this alone
This hurt is too hard on my own
Won’t you come?
Continue reading →

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Slow fade. Slow recovery.

Posted on April 6, 2011 | 5 Comments

It was a slow fade.
It’s not to be mistaken for a quick recovery
A  painful fade that has lasted too many years
(I suppose the fade still lingers till all is revealed)

Each passing day was another day broken-down by fear
A slow destruction of a child
and the unexpected destruction of an adult…who never saw the wrecking ball as it restyled

All that has ever been compiled
has now been replaced with his violence and revile
All the present moments get swept away
Because all her once entitled moments
became and become untitled

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The possibility of infection

Posted on April 3, 2011 | Leave a comment

The more you scrub
The more you imbed the darkness in
It just won’t wash away
The pain became numb

Child
Adult
It’s still the same
It just won’t wash away
The pain became numb

You cant wash it away
As hard as you scrub
It just never goes away
Child
Adult
It’s still the same

I can’t wash it all away

It hurts so bad
It hurt so bad
It hurts so bad
It hurt so bad
…as I bury my head in my lap
To fight the tears…
“it hurt so bad”

You cant wash it away
As hard as you scrub
It just never goes away
Child
Adult
It’s still the same

Will it ever go away
Will even I give up on the truth
I can’t run anymore
I tried to forget
They told me this was the only way
to get the evil out of my mind

What is the the only way to get evil out of reality?

It’s only in my mind?
I must be dreaming?
How can I pretend that what I hide so carefully
Is starring back at me in the mirror

It’s not what it seems
It’s not what you think
I must be dreaming
You cant wash it away
As hard as you scrub
It just never goes away
Child
Adult
It’s still the same

Where are you?
Where are you?

How am I suppose to… Sigh…

Facts
(AKA) what some say are lies

No one will believe it
You couldnt prove it then
You can’t prove it now
No one came
No one will come then
And no one will come now
Alone
No one will love you
You were never conceived in love
Everyone will leave you
Stranded
Forgotten
Abandoned
Left behind

Never really belonging
What has ever really changed

New scars on top of old scars
Strategically placed as a reminder

Flesh and soul
It’s burned deep within
To remind me of
All of the rules

Threats are not empty
They were never lies
Today they were not lies

No empty threats
Today I get to be be fake
And pretend today didn’t happen
Lies will be said to hide
As I am the only protector so it seems

Let your will be done?
I don’t understand….
I just don’t understand

Child
Adult
It’s still the same

You can’t wash it all away
It will always be there staring back at you.

** please know that my sorrow is not to mistaken for defeat. For what is torn down will someday be built stronger. I have to believe this as true…. I just have to…

There’s a recovery period, a risk of infection, the possibility of complications

Fight for recovery.
Fight infection.
Fight to avoid complications.
But don’t fight The Surgeon.
-stolen from another blog… I have a feeling it’s ok though….

‎”My love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between, in times of confusion and chaos and pain, I’m there in the sorrow under the weight of your shame. I there through the heartache, I’m there in the storm. My love it will keep you, through my power alone. I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where you have been, I’ll never forsake you, my love never ends. It Never Ends.” – God.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

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Posted in Poems by ~L

God’s voice for the silent.

Posted on April 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

Matthew 27:15 American King James Version
But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Luke 17:2 It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.

Mark 9:42 GOD’S WORD® Translation
Mark “These little ones believe in me. It would be best for the person who causes one of them to lose faith to be thrown into the sea with a large stone hung around his neck.

I think their is a reason that It’s in the bible so many times. I don’t think I even have to say anymore on this. But I dare someone to argue this with me.

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I believe this most of the time…

Posted on April 1, 2011 | Leave a comment

George Chakiris said: “No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are possible”

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