Freely written at 10pm. No need for me to re read my heart… this is the real deal… no proof reading tonight… what you see is what you get)
As Much as I want to finish this and tell you the storm has passed and I see sunshine… All I have right now is a rainbow… a rainbow to tell me that someday this too shall pass and you can be alive the way my God has planed for me to be. I had a beautiful way to end this serious (if that what you want to call it?) I’m a bit weary at the moment and it would be a lie for me to finish what needs to be said… so soon I will but not today.
I am not going to bring the sunshine to you today when it’s not shinning. I know it’s still behind those clouds… so hope is still present, but honestly these last three posts have taken a huge tole on me. I have had to remember a lot and mourn much in a short time with no comfort or anyone to hold me as the tears fall and my body feels the pain of all the yesterdays. As I type this right now I think how very far I am from ‘home’.
Depression is depression… that is the season I am in right now. A season where the memories for the past year have flipped my life upside down and sent me into a shock. I HAVE NOT DIED… I AM NOT YET DEAD! I am just depressed and SUFFERING from a very VERY difficult past. I am ALIVE and I’m going to live my life the way.
I have fought and fought… took some breaks… fought and fought. I am closer to where I was yesterday… but these last miles one runs are the hardest… your tired, thirsty,and you just want it to be done. This has been a long marathon and these last miles are not to be mistaken as ‘almost done’ they need to be understood as ‘please please hold me up when I fall, please please encourage me to the finish line, please please please coach me in what is best to make it, please please if I fall come pick me up and finish the race with me…. Desperation is a funny thing… it really humbles you enough to say, “I need help”.
I AM NOT YET DEAD… I am going to live today… and tomorrow and the next and the next… I am worth the fight… because I have value … my God tells me so… so “don’t bury me… I’m not yet dead”!!!
Thank you for coming along with me on this long marathon! Thank you for your words of hope… it’s been like a shot of Gatorade for me. And for those that have prayed… it’s been like you snuck me in a 5 hour energy drink ;) I am very thankful for your prayers and support! You have no idea how that make me feel… So… for all of that I am thank you… it’s very humbling to have one read your broken heart… it’s not a fun nor a great read… but the words of hope from you and times when one can relate bring a sense of understanding why I keep writing and it truly is humbling.
I’m not yet dead! Great song ;) My fight song today… :) I still got some rock left in me ;)
Wow! ~L you are so strong. I barely know you, but I feel like you are the prize fighter and I am in your corner with a cool washcloth to wipe your brow.
Oh too many tears to respond to your kindness at moment….. How I thank you though!!!
Hugs sweet girl! I am thinking about you!
V
Thanks!!!
~L, again, I say that I admire your courage in writing from your heart, for using your words to help heal the hurt from your past and present, and for bringing to life what it means to have a friend in God.
You do have readers who have not abandoned you. We want you to keep running the race. It’s is more than a marathon you’ve been running – it’s at least a triple marathon. Yes, you’ve found it hard; yes, you’ve made mistakes but you’ve learned from them and they have helped as you’ve continued the race. If you trip and fall, we’re still here cheering you on. We want you to win the race of your lifetime.
Keep taking one step at a time, fast when you can, slow when you need to, and rest when you’re tired. You must have been exhausted when you wrote this yesterday. I hope today was a better day and that you were able to get some rest.
From one of your cheerleaders, you go girl!!! :-)
Thank you!!!!
Oh my stars! You have spun me into ADHD mode :) I would spend an hour replying to you but I will make it my next post! First… I don’t know what to day first of second or next…. I want to say them all at the same time:)
Knowing that the wall is ‘yellow’ like I talked about a few posts back sucks!!!! But the freedom in knowing will let us live, live… instead of feeling half alive. No one said this was going to be easy or pleasant. I have a friend who is my age and literally has no life experience with what it’s like to really go through awfulness. He is an amazing speaker and has great things about him but he can’t relate like we can to others who suffer. And then I go… why does anyone have to relate to anyone… why does anyone have to suffer…. BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN HEAVEN AND HELL AND THE DARKNESS OF HELL AND ALL IT’S POWER DOES NOT WANT US TO LIVE IN TEH LIGHT… THE FEED OFF OUR SUFFERING BUT WHAT THEY DENY IS THAT THE POWER OF GOD IS GOING TO GIVE US THAT HAPPY ENDING SOMEDAY AND IT WILL BE WORTH THIS HELL ON EARTH. I can’t help but wonder if I would appreciate life and hope the same if I did not experience what I have. I don’t know … I don’t know… really I just look at it like we live in a crappy world and I know and believe with all my heart that we will have a beautiful ending someday! Tragedy is only temporary… This world is only temporary… their will be a happy ending someday… someday…
It will be beautiful… a beautiful ending… we just have to believe, have a relationship and love… know God and make Him known in every season… in every season… In the end of it all I want to be in the arms of my friend and King, Jesus :)
Loves! Sorry if it sounds preachy… don’t mean for it to be… just passionate:)