Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part II)

If you have read my blog you all know what happened on my 7th birthday. Maybe the post comes to mind about the ‘Yellow Dress’  it kinda sums it up a bit.

There have been many posts that have giving you some idea of what happened on and after the day I turned seven. Where was God then, right? I was an innocent child celebrating her birthday on the first day of summer. The longest day of the year was the longest night of my life… a night that lasted for the next five years with him… and know?  Again, where is this God now, and when I was  teenager… when, when, when?  A night where my little mind became acquainted with evil hands from a man who was supposed to love me. Where in the heck was my friend that has kept me safe and I felt his power? Why was He not here? Why was He not listening to me now?

I look back today; I really actually mean today… to those untitled moments  in a whole new perspective.  A sadness and joy came over me at the same time. I was beginning to understand more clearly. I now see that day differently and my God with tears streaming down his face as he watched someone He loved be hurt by the choices of other men that choose to let evil be their god and hurt such little beautiful children… this is so emotional for me right now!
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I honestly don’t remember all of what happened as a child.  I honestly don’t remember what all I was thinking about my friend, Jesus. I remember telling him my fears, confusion, and sharing the moments of joy’s too. I still believed and loved Him even more -  as it was in this time I needed my friend during those awful moments the most.  I now know that He protected my mind  from so much of that  pain. I would have never been able to be the out going little girl I was.  I somehow managed to separate the double life I was forced to live. Sometimes they bleed together and I remember those times the most clearly.  It’s now that learning to know ALL of what each of those worlds held is the only way to heal and get through… to bring justice and peace to the child then and the adult now.

Through it all I still believed and loved my God even more. It was in those times I needed my ‘friend’ the most. Escaping to the woods or in a field I sang and sang my little heart to Him. In the winter I would build forts deep in the woods having conversation with this ‘friend‘. It was when I became about 9 -10 when my doubt filled my mind as time and time again I would ask my God, why? Is this not enough? Please just come rescue me from this evil. I became very angry. I fought everyone with unkind words. Hate began to fill my soul and I spoke less and less with my friend, Father God.

I still ask how and why? I don’t know that answer – I just don’t! It makes me angry all over again. How can this child lay in such a room full of darkness and cry out to her God to come rescue her and hear nothing. I fought tears. My little eyes would search and search the room for an angel to help me. If you have ever taken a drug to fall asleep or something for pain that makes you feel distant; I explain it like that. I felt like I was not all there. You kind of know what’s going on but you just don’t understand really. Perhaps like an out body experience. I felt like that a lot. And sometimes I wonder… maybe I was drugged half the time?
I didn’t stop believing in my friend; in God. I told him my hurts. I told him my anger. Even in my time of distance with Him, I would fall on my bed crying begging Him to please just keep me safe, please, please don’t let this happen tonight. Too many times my words meant nothing, so it seemed.  Time and time again I was drug from my room to ‘this place’ and the unspeakable happened and where was my ‘friend’ then.  If my God really made the stars and earth and moon and everything all around it, then why could he not make the evil disappear? He is all-powerful right? What’s the point of talking to my God if He is ignoring me?!? Ten thousand Angels rejoice in Heaven when a soul is saved and a relationship is started with Jesus, (words I read and was told) then why could He not send those ten thousand angels to fight for the little girl these Angels were so excited to be a part of their kingdom???? What is the point of talking to my God and asking Him to use his power if He won’t? (more words, but not now)

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, .........126

So here I lied, a little girl, cold and scared in the darkness of evil and all I could do was pray and here nothing… I was left to count the blocks on the wall… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… all the way to 126. I would start again and soon I was lost in that wall and into another world where I was free from the pain, confusion, and heartache. It was there I met a boy who became my best friend. He became someone to keep me safe while the monsters tortured my body but here they could not have my soul. I was safe in another place with a ‘friend’ who showed me beauty and colors that we have never even seen on this earth. No pain, no sadness… just me in my ‘friend’ away from the world below where evil hands choose to take what does not belong to them. It was my fairy tale. (Maybe your thinking of a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my Fairy Tale World)

...no more pain

This world was just as real as the grass beneath my feet in summer… the snow that fell from a winter sky and the change of color when fall came. It was the excitement of spring being reborn times a hundred. Us humans, marvel in the seasons here on Earth and many of us know how scientific it is, but there is nothing scientific in the beauty and creativity of it all. You think that because a bunch of rocks collided or whatever you believe created the creativeness that this earth we know now surrounds us in? What about the Earth’s landscape of nature and its infinite creatures and plants and bugs that sea and land home is far too beautiful and speechless for it to be numbers and figures? God created science… it’s too creative and complex for it all too just form; and that’s just our Earth; what about the galaxies that go on and on and on and on? (How’s that for a run-on sentence ) So do you see, the dialectical thinking here; How do I believe in a loving God as I think He’s ignored me, but how do I not believe in a God who I feel just being surrounded by the beauty of Nature?  … but it was not enough, I had to create yet another world to escape HIS) ? It is so confusing for an adult let alone for a small child? It does not make sense, does it?

This world I escaped to when I counted those blocks, it was as real as the one we all know now. And tonight as I started writing this I almost wondered if that world I ‘made up’ was a preview of what heaven is going to be like. And… I even go as far to wonder if my friend was the ‘friend’ I knew all along. Maybe it was just my imagination?  Hmmm… Maybe it was an angel?  I never let this idea of this world go or even my imaginary friend from my ‘made up’ world until I was about 18 or 19. I don’t know what that world was or who my friend in that world was, but I can’t help but wonder if just maybe… maybe my other friend, Jesus, loved me enough to rescue my little mind from the torture and bring me safe into His arms by giving me a safe friend (imaginary) a safe world to escape the pain below. If that is so… and I am really beginning to think it is so… then yes, my God is that amazingly powerful!

• Next –> Why He’s real to me. How I believe in a loving God that ‘seemed’ to never really love me at all? (Part III)