Part II of The Pain in Knowing; my response to the post written by: Dr. David Hamilton PsyD. Click here to read Part I .
I sat outside in the sun being ‘mindful’ as I doodled this picture on my iPad. I was trying to stay mindful. I had to keep bringing myself ‘back’ to just being creative with art… not where my mind wanted me to me go. (It just so happens to be that yellow is really not what I want to see… it reminds me of the first day my grandfather abused me) In this situation I see two truths; One, as hard as it is for me to face the color yellow (literally). The second truth is; God is present as I love sitting in the yellow sun enjoying the birth of spring in the light and being in this moment that is good. Truth; yellow reminds me of my dress on my seventh birthday and how a beautiful summer day turned into a cold winter blizzard. I saw my yellow dress and as the pain became numb, I painted a world full of greens and blues and pretty purples. Denying the yellow dress denied the painful truth of knowing. I don’t think it was bad for me to do that then but there a came a time that facing the painful truth was ignored. So As I literally painted yellow today outside (electronically) …It was a struggle for me to remember that I was in a good moment and that was the reality of the truth. The memory was true too right?
I may have wanted to paint the dang wall purple, red, teal… whatever color you WANT to paint with… but to ignore the truth for so long that the wall is yellow is dangerous. To wake up one day, start your morning; grab your coffee and turn around to see a YELLOW wall in your house!?! Pure shock; you drop your cup… wonder “why the heck is my wall yellow”! Your kids wake up and you say to them, “look the wall is yellow. Why is the wall yellow”? They walk by like your nuts!
There are many things going on in my mind; like how maybe I was not ready to see yellow and God allowed me to see the colors of a different world for awhile until I was ready? Yet, I know there was a time when I dipped my paint brush in the bucket and knew that it was no longer red… I knew darn well it was yellow. I knew… but refused to know. It was too painful to know the truth and for years I walked around in denial even though I walked past the supposed ‘RED ‘wall every day… I refused the truth.
For a very long time when I saw yellow I quickly turned away… frightened by the reminder that in my home lied a yellow wall. I avoided the color all together and when avoidance could not be; anxiety came over and lies filled my mind; “I was not safe, something’s wrong, I have to hide, I need to protect my red wall, It should be red… It should have been red” … and yes it should have… but it wasn’t.
It’s time to accept the colors of my life, the good ones and the bad ones. I need to stop thinking that I can cover up this yellow wall. The time has come to choose to know the hurt AND too know that the good is nearby to be real too. The trick: not let to all the colors bleed/mix together…. That my friend is a very ugly mess and a color no one wants to use .Yellow does not have to mean that something can’t be red… it just means that when it’s time to paint and the color yellow… let it be yellow and know that God is holding your hand as you paint the hurt.
It might be a big wall to paint; as was the long dirt road that Jesus painted scarlet red as he allowed himself to know the truth and pain as He painted the sky above black, and His blood painted the earth below. His red blood covered more than just a wall… it painfully stretched over all mankind. He traded his life for our black souls, traded his life so that we could know the truth through this fallen world so when we face the colors that bring us pain; we are not alone. He may have painted the earth below him red in His death but in His resurrection the light of yellow painted the pathway that of a LOVE that is beyond comprehension. We don’t deserve it. We can’t understand it. But it is what it is. He came to earth, spilled His blood for you and me so that we can have an everlasting life painted in His glory and someday be in a land far greater than we could ever know.
I don’t know what the color for love would be but it must be beyond beautiful. This Easter season if you believe or not I encourage you to read the story of His death and resurrection. When we believe that very pain of His heroic death and the power of HIS resurrection; we now have the truth that He will hold our hand as we face the unwanted colors in our lives. The color of blackness of sin that has painted our soul has now been painted white as snow and only because He beautifully exchanged the color that ‘should’ have been.
“He knew and allowed himself to know. He allowed himself to feel the pain of knowing.”
Have I been telling the God that His spilled blood for me… that painted the multitudes of sins, is not big enough to be my healer in the pain of knowing that it hurts to remember. There is no escaping the truth…. the wall is yellow. There is no escaping the truth…that I am not alone. I have someone who loves me that wants to be oh, so ever present as I face this pain. I need to see it. I need to allow myself to know, allow myself to feel the pain of knowing. It does not mean that I have to paint my whole house yellow. It’s just means that this one part… it’s yellow.
I am going through a really hard layer right now… I don’t want to see the color in front of my face. I now know I can’t ignore it either. I’m just hoping that God soon lets me dip my brush in doubt and loneliness and have it come out painting a rainbow of His promises.
For when I paint with yellow”… The LORD has my right hand and will never let go. I am not alone as I allow myself to know and feel the pain in knowing.
I leave you with a poem:)
So is the sun…
Even when it’s not shining
Even though I can’t see it
And yes, even when I can’t feel it.
Red and Yellow
Back and White
They are precious
in HIS sight
Jesus is present in this fight
He will lead you through the colors
of this world
I’ve denied that it belonged
Pretended way to long
walked past it through the years
Yet knowing darn well
Still choosing to lie in the fears
of the reality that brought so many tears
It’s time has come to look in the mirror.
Today I painted yellow
…. and it’s okay
Red and yellow
Black and white
they are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world
Especially when it’s yellow!
So Really I leave you a video. This is a a ‘color’ we all don’t want to see. Very ofter we don’t want we skim the surface of this… because to see the depth of this TRUTH is much to awful; we don’t want to know! It’s awful! We need to allow ourselves to know this pain. It’s more then hard to watch this video…I believe if you truly want to grasp the Father’s beautiful love then you really should watch this today. “He knew and allowed himself to know. He allowed himself to feel the pain of knowing.” Because HE loved us. (remember that phrase as you watch)
I don’t want to leave you nauseous for the next few hours…. SO here is a beautiful song that is ALSO a truth about the fathers love. It is true that it’s painful to see His death; but it’s important to know that in His death brought many other truths that bring us much joy.
And oh just because I’m on a roll.. .why not:) I will leave you too with another TRUTH… an upbeat great worship song… really if you want to listed to a great CD this Easter season… I highly would recommend the album ‘Beautiful Exchange’ By: Hillsong PS If you are having a hard time believing that you are deserving of this TRUTH please click here and I think this will help you understand. :)
*kudos to all of you who took the time to listen to all the songs:) I hope as one TRUTH was hard to watch; that by the end you where encouraged that because of that truth we can live in the TRUTH of joy. Even when we see the color yellow! :)