The Pain in Knowing – Part II (my own thoughts)

Part II of The Pain in Knowing; my response to the post written by: Dr. David Hamilton PsyD. Click here to read Part I .

I sat outside in the sun being ‘mindful’ as I doodled this picture on my iPad.   I was trying to stay mindful. I had to keep bringing myself ‘back’ to just being creative with art… not where my mind wanted me to me go. (It just so happens to be that yellow is really not what I want to see… it reminds me of the first day my grandfather abused me)  In this situation I see two truths; One, as hard as it is for me to face the color yellow (literally). The second truth is; God is present as I love sitting in the yellow sun enjoying the birth of spring in the light and being in this moment that is good. Truth; yellow reminds me of my dress on my seventh birthday and how a beautiful summer day turned into a cold winter blizzard.  I saw my yellow dress and as the pain became numb, I painted a world full of greens and blues and pretty purples.  Denying the yellow dress denied the painful truth of knowing.  I don’t think it was bad for me to do that then but there a came a time that facing the painful truth was ignored.  So As I literally painted yellow today outside (electronically) …It was a struggle for me to remember that I was in a good moment and that was the reality of the truth.  The memory was true too right?

I may have wanted to paint the dang wall purple, red, teal… whatever color you WANT to paint with… but to ignore the truth for so long that the wall is yellow is dangerous. To wake up one day, start your morning; grab your coffee and turn around to see a YELLOW wall in your house!?! Pure shock; you drop your cup… wonder “why the heck is my wall yellow”! Your kids wake up and you say to them, “look the wall is yellow. Why is the wall yellow”? They walk by like your nuts!

There are many things going on in my mind; like how maybe I was not ready to see yellow and God allowed me to see the colors of a different world for awhile until I was ready? Yet, I know there was a time when I dipped my paint brush in the bucket and knew that it was no longer red… I knew darn well it was yellow. I knew… but refused to know. It was too painful to know the truth and for years I walked around in denial even though I walked past the supposed ‘RED ‘wall every day… I refused the truth.

For a very long time when I saw yellow I quickly turned away… frightened by the reminder that in my home lied a yellow wall.  I avoided the color all together and when avoidance could not be; anxiety came over and lies filled my mind; “I was not safe, something’s wrong, I have to hide, I need to protect my red wall, It should be red… It should have been red” … and yes it should have… but it wasn’t.

It’s time to accept the colors of my life, the good ones and the bad ones.   I need to stop thinking that I can cover up this yellow wall. The time has come to choose to know the hurt AND too know that the good is nearby to be real too. The trick: not let to all the colors bleed/mix together…. That my friend is a very ugly mess and a color no one wants to use .Yellow does not have to mean that something can’t be red… it just means that when it’s time to paint and the color yellow… let it be yellow and know that God is holding your hand as you paint the hurt.

It might be a big wall to paint; as was the long dirt road that Jesus painted scarlet red as he allowed himself to know the truth and pain as He painted the sky above black, and His blood painted the earth below. His red blood covered more than just a wall… it painfully stretched over all mankind. He traded his life for our black souls, traded his life so that we could know the truth  through this fallen world so when we face the colors that bring us pain; we are not alone. He may have painted the earth below him red in His death but in His resurrection the light of yellow painted the pathway that of a LOVE that is beyond comprehension.  We don’t deserve it.  We can’t understand it.  But it is what it is. He came to earth, spilled His blood for you and me so that we can have an everlasting life painted in His glory and someday be in a land far greater than we could ever know.

I don’t know what the color for love would be but it must be beyond beautiful. This Easter season if you believe or not I encourage you to read the story of His death and resurrection.  When we believe that very pain of His heroic death and the power of HIS resurrection;  we now have the truth that He will hold our hand as we face the unwanted colors in our lives.  The color of blackness of sin that has painted our soul has now been painted white as snow and only because He beautifully exchanged the color that ‘should’ have been.

“He knew and allowed himself to know. He allowed himself to feel the pain of knowing.”

Have I been telling the God that His spilled blood for me… that painted the multitudes of sins, is not big enough to be my healer in the pain of knowing that it hurts to remember. There is no escaping the truth…. the wall is yellow. There is no escaping the truth…that I am not alone.  I have someone who loves me that wants to be oh, so ever present as I face this pain.  I need to see it. I need to allow myself to know, allow myself to feel the pain of knowing. It does not mean that I have to paint my whole house yellow. It’s just means that this one part… it’s yellow.

I am going through a really hard layer right now… I don’t want to see the color in front of my face. I now know I can’t ignore it either. I’m just hoping that God soon lets me dip my brush in doubt and loneliness and have it come out painting  a rainbow of His promises.

For when I paint with yellow”… The LORD has my right hand and will never let go. I am not alone as I allow myself to know and feel the pain in knowing.

I leave you with a poem:)
It’s yellow
So is the sun…
your house….
and light.

Even when it’s not shining
Even though I can’t see it
And yes, even when I can’t feel it.
It’s yellow

I can’t deny
the Master’s plan
It’s time to leave it
in his hands

Red and Yellow
Back and White
They are precious
in HIS sight
Jesus is present in this fight

He will lead you through the colors
of this world

It’s yellow

I’ve denied that it belonged
Pretended way to long
walked past it through the years
Yet knowing darn well

It’s yellow

Still choosing to lie in the fears
of the reality that brought so many tears
It’s time has come to look in the mirror.

Today I painted yellow
…. and it’s okay

Even as this blackness flows
I suppose too, I should not deny this low
Someday I will be as white as snow
only because It’s been promised
that ‘someday’ I will glow.

Red and yellow
Black and white
they are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world

Especially when it’s yellow!

So Really I leave you a video.  This is a a ‘color’ we all don’t want to see.  Very ofter we don’t  want  we skim the surface of this… because to see the depth of this TRUTH is much to awful; we don’t want to know!  It’s awful!  We need to allow ourselves to know this pain. It’s more then hard to watch this video…I believe if you truly want to grasp the Father’s beautiful love then you really should watch this today. “He knew and allowed himself to know. He allowed himself to feel the pain of knowing.” Because HE loved us. (remember that phrase as you watch)

I don’t want to leave you nauseous for the next few hours…. SO here is a beautiful song that is ALSO a truth about the fathers love.  It is true that it’s painful to see His death; but it’s important to know that in His death brought many other truths that bring us much joy.

And oh just because I’m on a roll.. .why not:)  I will leave you too with another TRUTH… an upbeat great worship song… really if you want to listed to a great CD this Easter season… I highly would recommend the album ‘Beautiful Exchange’ By: Hillsong  PS If you are having a hard time believing that you are deserving of this TRUTH please click here and I think this will help you understand. :)

*kudos to all of you who took the time to listen to all the songs:)  I hope as one TRUTH was hard to watch; that by the end you where encouraged that because of that truth we can live in the TRUTH of joy.  Even when we see the color yellow!  :)


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6 responses to “The Pain in Knowing – Part II (my own thoughts)

  1. Well done! Yes I could say more but that’s what I want you to know above all else.

    • Thanks… maybe ‘someday’ you can tell me more… like perhaps… “I told you so”

      I just got done posting the famous ‘L novel’ on a comment to a post about why they say they are an atheist and God is just a joke for emotional people. Can you imagine what I said after having a moment like this that I wrote about in this post and watching that video at the end… ugh! I still tighten up my muscle and clench my teeth thinking about how awful the pain was for Christ. My big thing in this ‘novel’ of a comment to this poor guy was; who would go through such a thing like that knowing… knowing that he would be tortured like this… all because he thought He was the son of God and because He loves us? Who does that? It’s crazy!!! And if he was crazy and needed some pill or therapy to help him out… great… but I don’t know one ‘crazy’ person that would still go through such great lengths and unspeakable suffering because he loves us??? Really I’ve seen some nutty people thinking they had alines take them up and space… but if then KNEW what this Jesus guy knew was coming… I think they would shut up! Their is not way they would keep talking knowing that their life was going to be tortured like that… 400 words later; I said yep… it’s crazy… and if that’s crazy… i want it. Anyone that knew that amount of pain would be endured and do it because he loved me… well call me crazy than too.. cause I’m going to love HIM back. No one just does that!

      LOL… write me a sentence… I’ll tell you the world. Thats what us crazy emotional people do you know… they have to say what they have to say; even if it takes many words to say it :) I guess you don’t have to imagine what I said anymore:) The other 400 words where just fillers :) (snort)
      Thank for you sentence… I don’t need you to say more:) Your sentences mean a lot! You should read the other posts on that blog. He is pretty good at explaining some really hard questions people have. (just saying)

      Last ~ L thought to this novel of a a response to a comment of this post.. that should be a post in it’s self :) (can’t help my self… well I can… but :) ) If I knew… (you know) no way could I allow myself to know and still endure it all because God wanted to use this ‘yellow wall’ in my life because it was going to create this ‘thousand word girl, who loves the broken hearted, that won’t take injustice, who is filled with passion…’ nope! No way could I do it…

      “He knew and allowed himself to know. He allowed himself to feel the pain of knowing.” That is why I know my God is real… for real… thats why!

  2. ~L, there is so much beauty in your writing and the metaphors in particular that help us to understand your experience. I found the whole post very emotional as I saw the tremendous growth you are making. Here are a few comments that really touched my heart.

    “…let it be yellow and know that God is holding your hand as you paint the hurt.”

    “I don’t know what the color for love would be but it must be beyond beautiful.”

    “…we now have the truth that He will hold our hand as we face the unwanted colors in our lives.”

    “I’m just hoping that God soon lets me dip my brush in doubt and loneliness and have it come out painting a rainbow of His promises.”

    And thank you for the beautiful poem and the music that is a gift from your heart showing your love for an amazing God.

    • Your are so kind to let me know your thoughts! You are so welcome fir the songs and poems… It is God working through me…. Even the midst of my pain. Thank you for you continual support!!!

      I really think you will like that blog I attached :)

  3. You wrote: “The time has come to choose to know the hurt AND too know that the good is nearby to be real too.” Good for you… choose! That is my favorite word! I choose!

    You also wrote: “I just got done posting the famous ‘L novel’ on a comment to a post about why they say they are an atheist and God is just a joke for emotional people.” I am an Atheist, but I would never say God is a joke for emotional people. You feel God and if you ignored that you would be ignoring you! An Atheist has no right to say anything about what you feel or how you should feel, just as no person has the right to say how you should feel about anything. I do not feel God and no person can tell me that I should.

    Hugs, V

To all that let me know your thoughts... I appreciate each one. Thank you for reading all my Untitledmoments. ~L

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