Dear heartless gentleman,
If guilt was penniless my anger would have bitten into your flesh. My fingers would leave this haze of blistered purple and vicious blue around your neck. She had no choice. Your satisfaction took advantage of her ignorant innocence and the brokenness of a severely depresses girl. The moment your heartless actions faltered… you crept into her dreams with your mystical bliss. You hid that little girl and she shut her green sad eyes that were finally telling what they witnessed … but your heartlessness locked her back in shame! You disgust me. This isn’t poetic. This isn’t brokenly beautiful…it’s a crime. A crime I never knew and was oblivious to. A crime that seeped into her blood and turned it to ice. Did you know she almost killed herself? Did you know that? Did you know that because of you she felt this was all she knew how to be. Did you know that she thought she wasn’t worth the fight anymore.
And then there is more??? Ugh! It makes me sick to know that I begged and stood so close to such evil! “Once I was young and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the Godly abandoned or their children begging for bread” Psalms 37:25 ~You left a child of God begging for help and then abandoned. Ouch… Not a very pleasant act to face our Maker. “For the Lord loves justice, and He will never abandon the Godly. He will keep them safe forever. But the Children of the wicked will die” Psalms 37:28 ~I heard that last line many times as a child… “the children of the wicked will die” I believed it all my life and still struggle not to puke as I read it now…. What evil it is to take GOD’s Holy Word and use it to shame a child. And you… you have made her again, hold head down and cry many many abandoned sleepless nights and caused me to re-live all those lies over and over.
I hate that I cry for ‘her’ because I feel the fulfilling grin lurks on your pathetic face. She is beautiful, so just stop. Stop your silent games. Stop your silent smugness. Stop your ridicules power trips. It is not my vengeance but the Lords! I wish you could feel it, when someone takes your rights and your freedom. But you can’t…because she never spoke a word and can’t… and with this self-disgust she sewed her lips shut and let her frozen blood break her neglected heart. “God approaches and HE is not silent”! Psalm 51:3 ~’She‘ may hide in fear with her voice but God Spirit dwells within me and HE will not be silent!
It broke…it broke inside of’ ‘her’, the little girl. Shattered glass cut her soul. I swear if I ever see you again I might take pieces of that broken heart and cut you deep enough until you beg for mercy. I’d stop when you cried out… even though when I cried out your walked away; you cut her as she begged and pleaded…. you just dismissed her need. You not only abandoned this adult who was rising from the ashes… you abandoned a child that lied inside… and you didn’t care! You didn’t care so why should I? You don’t deserve to even breathe. It wasn’t me you just hurt… and it is that which makes me the most mad. Your relentless games hurt the ones I love the most. My children lost their mom for weeks… I was half way there; my journey was nearing victory! You hurt the ones I love the most… made it hell for so many! But as unforgivable as I think your act was!! I’ll forgive you. I was beautiful and a tired girl who was stripped of her childhood and you just let me walk out that door knowing that my blood was on YOUR hands! “But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats” I Peter 4:14b
But sir, you know what makes me even more sick than the fact that you managed to almost kill ‘her’ internally and almost kill a mother now? That your verbal attack and evil deeds that you have done to others; makes me want to see you beg like I once did… beg to make the demons stop haunting you at night as you lie alone. Did it make you feel good? Did you feel big and strong? It’s the fact that all the people who know you… only know the lie of the mask you wear! “The time is coming when everything that is covered up will be revealed and all that is secret will be made known to all. Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the LIGHT, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear”! ~ In the words of Jesus His very self~ Luke 12:2-3
You make me stumble upon all these new levels of pain and appall. And as smug as your smirk may be…and as happy as your life may seem… you know that when you see me… when you see those who have hurt… think think this: you murdered a child inside and left a tortured soul in its place. You left her not wanting to fight anymore. You left her abandoned inside of the one you dismissed. Heartless. You are heartless! “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed” Psalm 34:18
You left a family in distress. You have given us sleepless nights. Tears have been spilled and hearts in despair; all because your evil ways and needed power. You, sir… can better bet that the next time I see you I will remind you how much I despise ever bit of your sick – twisted – awful mind! I will not be silent. ” I will not repay evil with evil or insult with insult” I Peter 3:9 ~ I am now speaking truth. “flipping the tables”, you could say… in anger (Did not Jesus show and verbalize anger when such evil was taken place) Forgiveness is granted. You no longer get to own space in my mind. Revenge is not mine to give. That… I now leave in the hands of my God who despises the wicked… and really despises the wicked that bring the weary and broken down to a near death.
I feel better knowing that you’re mind has placed you in the jail… where you rightly deserve to be! It is only you who can release yourself. Fall on your knees and repent. Make what has been wronged right. Don’t hide in the darkness… It will come out in the light…. and maybe not tomorrow… but someday… It will.
With all the restraint it takes to not hit you, because my Father has asked me to… ” turn from evil and do good”. and that I “must seek peace and pursuer it” I Peter 3:11 But remember! “The face of the Lord is against those who do evil” I Peter 3:12b)
I have spoken my peace. I lay it to rest. I now lay in the hands of an angry God.
The protector of the little girl and the ones I love
~This song over the past 6 months has meant different things to me… but today this is the little girl singing out now stuck!!! She’s more alone then this adult… and I blame it all on you! (I can hear ‘I have a choice’ from all you who pretend to know what it feels like… but i don’t… she is scared to death to continue her journey. She is now stuck begging me to come home. She want tears for her absence… she feels unimportant… sigh! Kinda like I do right now. I just can’t let her secrets out right now!
…and To the broken and weary do have a promise that still rings true. There are two truth to look at right now. One, is the heartache and pain we suffer in as we are the sacrifice for the name of Love. Two, being that beauty comes from ashes and the righteous will no longer hold their head in shame but will rise on wings like eagles. ~and yes, you too, dear sir, are not exempt from this. God’s grace covers all!
There are many things that are true. It is true that I’ve been engulfed in the flames of evilness as a child. I have been over and over and over again overwhelmed with dark hands and a dark world. It is also true that I have sinned… done unspeakable moments. It is also true that we have been caught in HIS infinite embrace! We have been caught in HIS avalanche of grace. ALL! Many truths. They need to be VOICED. But the ultimate truth is HIS LOVE, HIS GRACE and HIS MERCY… the price HE paid is priceless. LOVE…LOVE…LOVE!