Love washes away when it rains
I just can’t cry anymore. I had an hour break on the way home… and slept 3 hours… to only wake up and Cry some more and more and more! What happened to the girl who just wrote a few days ago that she was going to fight and not give up????? I just am loosing so much and something that I thought I would never never ever loose. I hate promises! I hate love! LOVE DOES NOT WIN! LOVE TAKES AND TAKES AND HURTS! LOVE NEVER FAILS? All I once thought true… all I once held dear… It’s not true…. LOVE???? I thought that was it… the greatest commandment… BUT WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD???? You know whats crazy???? That I thought that I was a girl who loved too much…. but I don’t know what love is anymore… UGH! I think I can only give love if I don’t have to be attached… a quick act of kindness in passing because I care… but once I am attached either A) It is taken away or B) It’s not what I thought it was and feel beyond stupid for thinking I could belong like that. Why :’(
I am sick of the tears! I am sick of yelling how I feel!!!! It seems that I will never belong and when I think that just maybe I could belong now… LOSS… LOSS… LOSS! It hurts me to even know that because of me the people I love right now are hurting. It seems to be true that I fail at everything… that I can’t do it right… that I am never good enough! It seems to be true that I in the end will stand alone and loveless. Those words were impounded in my head as a child and seems true today. I will never be a part of a family that loves me because I am loveless.
I am fighting for a love I can’t have.. I am fighting for a dream that wont be. I am sick of fighting… will you fight for me? Am I worth the fight? I am too weak to fight anymore… will someone fight for love for me?
Many tears… many! and a pounding headache!!!!
Is this even true anymore?
If you can’t view because you watching on an i pad… click here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOyNOzCGZ1cfeature=player_embedded
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This was my very favorite song… but I don’t if I can believe this anymore? I just don’t know…. My favorite line was “There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. And the oceans rage… I don’t have to be afraid… because I know that You love me… Your love never fails” “I’m not alone here in these open seas” “I thought I would never reach the other side”I am in a season of doubt… a season where I don’t know if love really wins.
~L
I am hoping that you are seeing someone for your depression. You need to be in a treatment program. If your depression is this deep you need to be in a therapy program and receiving medication.
Thanks gordon…. I am in treatment but a lot has changed…
Hi L- Like many I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. Are you able to say, through the tears, through the angst and heartache, what it is that you are truly looking for and what it is that you want? Sometimes we suffer, get confused, emotional and despairing and lose sight of our basic needs. Tell us what you need and perhaps we can help. Don’t give up sweetheart. Take care. C XXXX
I want to be a part of a family That love me enough to fight for me and never give up. I want to be a daughter. I want my dad. But in wanting this…. In having this means heartach and pain for them…. So its only a dream that I must mourn and let go. I’m 27 …. I should’nt need a mother and dad any more…. But i guss i thought it was said tbat a dauhter is never too old to need their parents.
I just think this little girl inside of me does…. And I guess I have to let her go to… But it hurts very bad and I don’t know if I can trust anyone any more…. I’m loosing the person I trusted :’(
Leaving is never easy… Especially when you have no where else to go…
L- you are never too old to want that love. My mum and dad both died when I was quite young and my son has never known his grandparents. I am almost 50 and still miss that comfort and sense of belonging so I think I understand a little of what you desire. Sometimes it is hard for others to see their loved ones suffer with depression to the extent that they shut off. That may appear that they don’t love you-but they do. They love you very much but can’t bear the pain that they are unable to relieve for you. You can get through this XXXX
:’(. Thanks for your words… I know they love me… I guess I thought it was going to be different. I’m not mad at them… I mad at the people that took them away :’( !!!!!