I have sat here with my eyes closed, breathing in and releasing this anxiousness. I have prayed. I’ve been still. …and yet the tears fall and I morn and hurt… very very bad. I hear the negative voice within telling me stop writing… stop explaining the hurt; no one is really listening. Then I hear the voice reminding me that so many of my readers do listen and are so kind with their genuine kindness and words that make me feel that I have a purpose and that somewhere a strength lies within… a courage to carry on.
I have sat here watching this cursor blink blink blink. Wanting to just say it. Just say it. …But I feel like I have been saying it… for a year I have said it. All the pain… all the memories… the hate… the faith.. .the hope… the love… the confusion.. the strength… the moments that death was near and life was given. I’ve shared my heart through song and pictures.., through poetry and art. You… you here, that all read this blog… I have opened my heart and let the ugly out. I have shared with you my passions, my strengths and my weaknesses. And yet… through all that I have more to say. More that is still stuck; so stuck… it makes me feel like I’m going to get sick… i could just puke it all up… cry a river of all the pain that still lingers and scream out how much i just want to belong and how much I have lost in the past four months and how this loss that I’m loosing right now… sigh… this one seems to hurt the most. I can feel it… it’s coming and I’m trying to prepare myself… I’m in half denial. I’m in half realization that it is just no longer going to be.
What more could I possibly have to say. Should I just lay here and video the pain because I don’t think I can explain it any more. Is what I’m really seeking for is that the people I WANT to read this and hold me and tell me, “I am here… it’s going to be okay, ~L. I won’t leave… remember… I told you I would not leave you too. It’s a hard journey and everything seems on hold… but I have not gone… we are just faded for the moment. But I am here and it’s going to be okay”
There was a time when tears were foreign. A time when I was drowning in un-shed tears. And then… that day came when I released a pain that I’ve never released… and again and again. You were there to hurt with me… I made you proud and I was getting there. ugh! this hurts so bad… and then bam!
My journey came to a crash…. I hit a block wall going 70 miles an hour and all that was moving forward stopped instantly and I was left in a wreck with my heart shattered all around. The engine stopped moving… the music stopped and she was left in the headlights with her soul exposed as she was towed away totaled and left in a dark unwanted place because it was easier to not look at the awful damage that was once beautiful. There it sat… hoping for you to come back and walk alongside me and encourage me as I crawled out of the wreckage and slowly began to become what I was meant to be. It wouldn’t be in the same way… but perhaps a better way. It’s hard to do this alone. It’s hard to have loved and wonder if you can be loved in the wreckage too.
I thought about writing a personal letter. I thought about putting this into some poem… but it would be a lie tonight if I was not honest with myself, with you and my readers that have been my light to keep going on as I lie here broken from a very very unexpected crash.
I feel like a ghost… like I’ve already died and I’m stuck haunting the ones I love wondering if they notice how much i need them or maybe they know but they need to release me to the other-side to move forward and heal. I’m trying to find my place. I feel like I have no direction, no connection. I’m traveling endlessly. I am going in circles. Is this pain just a simple compromise?.. a compromise to live? This does not feel like living or does it. Is living suppose to be this painful?
Am I misguided? I know,I know, I have a MAKER and He knows my name before even time began he held me in his hands (one of my favorite songs to sing) But did he not put us here on this earth not only to know Him… and yes make Him known… but to feel love and give love and have joy and give joy… that my dear friends… that is my pleading cry. Loosing all my pride; Here my heart lie naked before you and plead with heaven… please please please please please….. … (breath… wipe the tears) please love me back and don’t leave me here broken.
I won’t leave you broken… I want so bad to help in the midst your difficulties. I want so bad to bring my love and compassion to you in this dark hour. I simply don’t understand. I feel that it’s easier for you to leave it unexplained… leave me wordless… without any response. It’s not easier for me. Is it the sacrifice of love to lay down my life for the ones I love… It seems that is so.
Something very difficult is going on. I can’t explain the details but it is very painful. It’s a great loss. I feel it slipping away.I was in the hospital about a month ago and if I could paint the picture that lies with in my mind tonight… here it is: …a very special person came to see me. I couldn’t talk. I could barely move. I thought I was dying… I remember you grabbing my hand and with all the life that was left in me I squeezed your hand and thought if i squeezed just right all my thoughts in my mind and soul could be read through my hand to yours… and the moment came when you had to leave and I didn’t want to let go and I tried to hold on as long as I could and then it slowly slipped away I remember feeling your fingertips leave mine and felt a hope that you would stay… stay in my life. I lied in pain but yet felt a part of…. something true.
I feel it now. I feel it slipping away. I feel the slight touch… but it’s painful to be left at the fingertips of goodbye. Voices have been silenced. Truth has to be under lock and key? and here I am back in a dream… In your silence… I feel rejected, not important enough. I feel like it was all a lie and I am not worth the fight. I try to believe this is not true… But in you silence…
So it seems… that when it get complicated and dangerous I get left in the distance. When injustice has been placed upon my shoulders; it’s been known (and factual) that it’s easier for those who were suppose to love me dismiss me and turn their head because the mess on their hands is too much.
YET! It’s also been know that sometimes a hero comes along and takes that abandoned, scared, and broken girl and does what no one else has ever done. …It created a war between what was really right and what was perhaps wrong. Yet in the end… I’m in fear that like the rest… it’s your silence and hiding where I belong… It’s in your silence that breaks me down because you were the one that told me to be silent no more. Right is right and wrong is wrong. So what is right and what is wrong. And do we go back to the start and change what was done… should I have been just left in the shadows once again? Was it better to leave me then or now? I don’t know the answer to that question??? I just know that I have never felt so loved and protected in all my life and thought I had a place to belong. So… I don’t know if that moment of compassion I felt was worth the loss and heartache I feel is soon to come. It’s in your silence that leaves me to think the worse. This observation seems to lead to me once again being left in the shadows of injustice because the price is always to great to take care of me. I’ve always just wanted to be priceless to someone.
I’ve been a mother.
I’ve been a wife
I’ve been a sister
… a mentor
… a member
… an employee
but one thing I’ve never felt…
is to be a daughter.
(and please don’t tell me I’m a daughter of the King… sigh… because I am well aware of that Truth. I won’t deny the power in that.) But to have a mother hold you when you cry… play with your hair when your sad, take care of you when your sick. Do the last finishing touches on your wedding day… be there when you give birth to your children. Some one to call for their loving advice. To have a dad who watches out for you. One who worries as your out not under his protection. A father to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. Never make her feel shame. The one who watches his little girl grow up to be a mother but will always need her dad in her life. To have a dad tell her he is proud…. and never walks away.
I have to let go. Yet it’s so hard to let the fingertips leave… you still dream of return, but are faced with the reality of heartache and sickness in the depth of your soul. The loss that brings you to your knees as you cry out to God, “why”?
Promises are meant to be broken. Threats will always be followed out. And your voice seems to matter to nothing and no one. This world will bring darkness, pain that is unspeakable, and loss after loss after loss. In this world we will lose our dreams over and over again. And it’s all so very painful. … It’s painful to be alone away from the dream that could never be. It’s just a shame that it seemed so real… for just a moment in time… a moment that is slipping away as she painfully removes the last touch is removed backs are turn and yours is not… and you watch them walk out that door… that oh so familiar door of goodbye.
… and then she falls. But will rise again. Because she is strong. because she is strong…. because she is strong. (It does not make it right… to know that she will rise again… to know that she will be okay in time… it does not make this hurt now wrong)
Striping her voice… why is it that silence seems to always cradle her through this life?
(oh the endless tears… do they even matter anymore?)
I don’t care if you’ve heard this a million times… hummed the melody in your house… sat at the piano and played the cords over and over again… please, for me listen to it again now. please.
~No body said it was it was easy. No one said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.
~We were just guessing… putting a puzzle together… a puzzle that we never know what we were getting into to.
~No body said it’s was easy. It’s such a shame for us to part. still wondering and praying if we can go back to the start. Hoping to be a daughter. not a ghost. wanting to belong…to be priceless. Their must be a sticker on my head that says, “worth it, until…