Wanting to belong

How do you think it feels?

Curled up in a ball
Wondering about it all
How long do I call
And here nothing at all

Tears… oh so many tears
Does anyone care how much I fear
all these years
all the one way mirrors

Do I dismiss the ache inside my soul
And blame it on this curse of women
Thank you eve for the toll of emotions

I don’t even care if this rhymes any more.
I just want to paint a picture of this pain
But really all who reads this blog
is pretty aware of this sickening pain

She cries alone

If you saw me now…
My bloodshot green eyes
now brightened
When the tears fall
their color glows
in the pain and sorrow of the
overwhelming reminders
that alone seems to be my place
in this fallen world

Mascaraed tear trails down my pale face
My hair tied back in a messy bun
And I lie here curled up in a ball
trying to stop thinking how this won’t last forever

Laundry heaps
Dishes sit in sink
And kids messes are spread from one end to the other
Would rather their messes be accompanied by their laughter
Silence lingers.
It’s the weekend and alone I lay
As they are away

My heart is aching
Such a repeated line
I don’t care if my writing it to sounds attractive
Again, a picture I seek to paint of the pain I feel

Its said to leave the past in the past
Well this is not me morning the past
This is me morning the present
The aloneness that the past prophesied
It’s come true

I long for a family
I want my dad
a mother
a sitter… a brother…
I want their loving support
It’s only a dream….
only left to wish
That I could be a part

As an adult it should not matter
Twenty-seven and craving a family
like an abandoned child

It not realistic for me to belong with anyone else
but the dysfunctional, triggering, and raging family
I can’t deny the longing though.

They never protected
They never loved
They only gave and took it away

It's only a dream...

I want to be a part
Belong
Cared for
I want a ‘home’
Holidays where love and laughter
are the landscape of a family
full of peace and safety…
Where you are never forgotten
and never faded into the background
A home where tears are allowed
not dismissed as weak

I’m sick of asking for help
And being turned down
Rejection…. It’s utterly embarrassing

A
story
beneath
Tears falling
Words are blurred
This pain grown deep
Can’t explain the heart-ache
or the ridicules need to belong
Here I lay all curled  up in this ball
No one to hold me. Only my own arms
Holding this broken and lonely body now
Some nights I rock and cry myself to sleep
As this heart craves for any sort of comfort
missing   the warmth of  someones touch
Gravity caries these mascaraed tears
This lingering pain seems unnoticed
These tears are turning into rust
stranded by their dust