As I sit here un-showered for three days now, I wonder how am I going to explain the way I feel and be satisfied that this brain will be able to articulate the true feelings and emotions inside. I then question if the feelings and emotions that lay within even matter? I question because there is a real world that is going on and I’m just pathetically stuck watching out my one-way mirror while I hide in the shame and fear of too many regrets. I am burdened with this sickness called, depression. The real world does not pause just because you are stuck and in the slow-motion of it all. The world moves on; which makes you bitter as you lie in despair wanting to be on the outside, but trapped you remain… inside the sadness, where your tears refrain; day after day after day.
Depression feels like a tremendous amount of pain that has crawled deep with in your muscles as it weights your shoulders down and then wraps itself around your neck and into your head. Its close friend, anxiety lurks in to take a turn; it grabs your chest and with its burning hands it squeezes any remaining comfort right out of you. It begins to hurt just to breathe… thus you battle that pain and breathe shallow, thinking your now, panicked heart, won’t hurt so bad if you don’t breath so much. Your soul becomes heavy, weighted down by the hopelessness and only because hopelessness has proven itself true over time, doubt begins to grow and your faith becomes starved. You now sink further into the grasp of this persistent darkness; depression has taken up residence and feels it is here to stay.
I don’t even want to talk about how depression taints time. The days drag on forever. All I can think about is to sleep, even though my body aches just lying in this dreadful bed. My thoughts convince me that Sleep has become the only way to escape the painfulness of depression; yet it only makes it worse.
When depression has been a part of your life for over a decade you begin to think that this is who you are. The people around you begin to give up or pretend they care but really they are hopeless for you too. I often wonder if they understand that even when it doesn’t seem like It… I am fighting against this darkness; I may be crawling but at times that is all I can seem to do. The cycles of A.D.D at times, can seem to mask my depression. What a mistaken choice that is… as when the burst of energy is gone, the crash sends me deeper into a hole, a hole which makes the climb that much harder. It seems to be a never ending series to a denial filled writer that thinks this chapter should never have its final hour. It’s run its course; let us lie the overused pen down and let the rightful owner have its turn.
I think many would say I am emotionally unstable; no kidding, ya think? One who has been knocked down, healed down, not allowed to show emotions, told how to think what to say, how to do it…. told that’s not good enough… eventually will not know who she is and how to use her emotions like the rest. When you’re sad you cry; unless you were trained not to. When you’re mad you communicate your anger; not break the house a part or emotionally abuse people you love to get your point across. When you grow up in a home where emotions rage in abnormality, you learn that it’s best to protect yourself at all cost… even if it does not make sense to the rest – it makes sense to you. Hiding away in isolation becomes the only way to escape the reality of hell on this earth. But what you thought was the best way to escape back then has turned its deceiving back on you now as an adult. You have become lost in the darkness of a past that seems to have proof that it’s still very alive and ready to attack at any given moment.
Hiding away in a bed all day seems better then enduring the flames of the emotions of reality or not. What may not be real to you – is very real to me and fear becomes a leach on depressions side, sucking the warmth from you and leaving you cold, craving comfort and searching for love. As you seek for that warmth and protection and for love, you realize you’ve never been taught what genuine love feels like. True protection has been insufficient throughout your life. Trust has faded and the thought of not being safe now has fueled the depressions nagging friend, anxiety, as it screams into your body the burning thick flowing pain throughout your chest. It attaches it’s strength around your bones and you swear your ribs are about to shatter. You think surly this time will be the time your heart will not be able to withstand the fierce burning and suffocating game that has come back yet again for revenge. Revenge, because you dare think that you could be bold enough to face your demons and courageous enough to believe this will not be my final chapter.
Depression steals your hunger, a necessary act to receive the nutrients to go on. It steals your ambition, your passion, and your rhythm. It brings you to your weakest point and your body begins to wonder if death is near? Restlessness now sets in; even your fingers can’t stand to be a part of this vessel that is now rejecting the belonging to be attached. Your purpose is now a fading memory and you begin to believe all the lies as truth and all the truth for lies. It’s all been mistaken don’t you see?
The day is finally about done. The clock reads 11:39 and as the seconds tick by to add another passing minute, I sit here with tears welled up in the windows to my soul and wish that tomorrow would never come to be. The muscles in my body are bound in burning pain and my chest for sure is at the limit of what it can withstand before I surely would then be left to disengage. I think again tonight that I can’t partake another hour of this tortured life. How many times will I say that until a miracle comes forth… that or death will finally win? It’s a game to many on the outside; not understanding that someday will be too much and the walls that are holding the floods of emotions and memories are now spilling over. The pressure has caused these essential walls to crack and I am now slowly wading in its unpleasant dirty river as I watch block by block begin to crack and wonder when the dam will break and swallow me to my grave. It’s not a game to me. This is my reality; depression and its acquaintances have taken over me. Someday you just wait and see… one extreme will take place and depression will be no more, you shall witness. One extreme; I pray that it will be a miracle and not the drowning of my flesh
So as depression claims yet another day… I still somehow find a way to believe, it does not define who I am. I believe that somewhere hidden deep within; lies the real me. At times she emerges forth for the world to have a glimpse of who she really is. It only follows with the quick disappointment and the famous sighs of those that witnesses yet again, the let down of another failed attempt to climb my way to the top. I (she) watch you as you disappointingly hang your head in frustration because the real me that you saw and hoped would stay… has once again been forced back in the shadows of… you know it… the lovely depression that has taken over me.
~L
a super good song… really! a perfect fit…
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Most days I wake up wounded
Feeling dead looking out at an ongoing world
Either through a screen or crawling out the door
A soul with a spark hanging on by a thread
I pray my soul can once again be a bright light
On occasions of a lottery day it is
A brief time of a day filled with what feels like
Heaven
Like seeing the sky for the first time
Green trees and the smell of fresh air
A bright sunshine so warming and alive
Today I look forward to that moment
As I dredge out of bed
Mulling around to the living room tv
It’s all I can do to eat a bite and
Keep my mind occupied with games
On my iPhone
As I spiritually fight the evil in this world
To come to the light so I can
Be at peace and allow that spark
To grow bright
It feels as if IT takes over the core/essence of your being, but it does not define you. I once believed it could be cured. I learned it is an illness that can re-occur, and we have to learn and build our ability to overcome EVERY time. I find myself saying as the rollercoaster peaks in sunlight, “I hope it stays here…stays much longer this time.” Soon enough it reaches the curve and dives into the abyss. All we can do is hold on…as tight as we can. “Holding on” involves reaching out. We reach out before our definition diminishes, and we’re gone. Bless you for sharing your thoughts. The real you is writing. The real you is who seeks to live. The real you reaches out.
Thanks for your words of encouragement and help!
L,
I just read through your blog and am committing to praying for you daily. Satan wants nothing more than to rob and steal us of our Joy in the Lord. Depression is a tool of satan. I know this all too well. I have been there, and still fight it daily. All throughout middle/high school I struggled with eating disorders. I struggled with depression. I struggled with anger issues and feeling lost and unloved. There were many circumstances and genetics (biological dad’s side) that played a part, but ultimately it was satan trying to ‘win me’ over to his side.
Those who are the most passionate and outspoken for the Lord (as I know you are), are the biggest ‘threats’ to satan. Therefore, I truly believe he attacks those people with gusto. He wants us to feel guilt, shame, and hopelessness. satan wants us to believe that there is no purpose for our lives. Or that if there was a purpose, that we have ruined it now. That is a LIE and we CANNOT stand in that. If the things we did/didn’t do were able to define our worth and purpose, than Christianity is a lie. Our worth and purpose can ONLY be found in our Creator…the God of the Universe that Loves us SO much, that He sent His Son to SUFFER and DIE for our ugliness and guilt! THAT is where we find our worth. Not in anything we do or have not done… but ONLY in Christ! 2 Corinthians 5:17~ We are NEW Creations! ~ Claim that, girl! Do not let satan win this battle!!! I KNOW it is hard to gain back trust and love and support of others when we have done things to lose that trust, love and support… BUT, even if nobody on earth ever ‘feels’ they can trust, love, and support you again–the Father WILL… Please Let Him Love you and heal you!
I am and will continue to pray for you daily!!
Thanks girlie! you remind me of my self…. a girl with lots to say and does not stop until it’s said. Thanks a bunch!
One of my favorite songs, when I was depressed especially is Keep Breathing By Ingrid Michaelson. She sings
“I want to change the world…instead i sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now”
When stuck in depression…that’s all we can do is keep breathing. I really relate to what you wrote here. Your insight into your depression is incredible. I hope it lifts soon for you…
I can’t wait to look that song up! Thank you! Music is very healing to me! thanks for your kindness… really, thank you!
Pingback: who’s counting anyways… | Untitled Moments
copy and paste in browser, the song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson ;)
You write so eloquently and describe depression like it really is. My nine horrid years were spent in and out of hospitals and institutions. Doctors examine you; talk to you but how do you really explain how black feels. For a good year I was absolutely obsessed with suicide; planning, dreaming of my demise, talking about it with other patients, nurses. I did attempt it 4 times, but obviously I wasn’t good at that and felt like a failure even at that.
I was tired of people saying “people suiciding are selfish, only thinking about themselves, what about the people they left behind”. I disagree in a big way. I think they are brave. Brave you say? How much courage did it take to make a decision to end’s one’s life, and I think the people who are saying they are selfish are selfish themselves. Is it not selfish to have a loved one/friend live day in/day out in the anguish of depression? How would they like to live with this.
I describe depression blackness is when you can actually feel the depressive fog between your finger tips. Losing friends and family, why do we have to be punished with this illness? What did we do to deserve this?
I created a video (it’s on YouTube) that portrays the feelings of depression
http://www.youtube.com/my_videos?feature=mhum
Wow. That’s by far the best comment! Who wants to die???? I want to live… But this this awful pain is not living… It’s a slow torturous death!!! I just want to end the misery!!! Cut off the pain… Rip my heart out of my chest…. Make the pain go away!!!! I’m not selfish!!!! Your so right! I’m thinking of all the people right now that I am dragging with me in this awful never ending pain! So please someone tell me what shall I do to fix this pain so death will not come before my time is done….
Thanks for your amazing comment… And I’m praying for a healing miracle…. Praying that death is not the way out.
You sound just like I was with what seems so many years ago, stuck and lost. My life wasn’t moving forward, it was just there and I was standing in black mud, and no one was really helping through this pain everyday. I really felt so alone. I lost friends, as I’m sure they grew tired of my depression woes. And all of those ECT’s (all 77 of them) that did absolutely no good. All of these doctors, couldn’t any of them find the right meds or combo of meds, was it really that hard. What’s someone to do, how much patience should one have.
For me, my regular pdoc (useless as he was) went on holidays and another doc filled in for him. That was the start of getting better and on the road to wellness. This doc cared, got me on the right meds finally, and took the time to listen to what I had to say. I asked if he could be my doc. He had a heavy patient load but agreed. He also said “if you attempt suicide at all I will not be your doctor”. So I started to get well, took 2 years, it wasn’t easy, but believe it or not I returned to work. Actually I just passed the 5 year mark at my company.
Don’t think I’m some sort of amazement here, I just wanted to share that it can be done. My first advice is to fire a doctor that is not getting you better. They become lazy after awhile. Get on the right meds, and best advice is to keep busy. My doc used to say at first, even if you get dressed and walk to the end of the driveway, you’ve accomplished something for the day.
Take care, thinking of you, Deb
what is ECT? I don’t have a Psychiatrist. I should. My family doctor just put me on some new stuff… i don’t trust psychiatrist they all put me on awful meds and none of the work. I have a very good therapist but it’s all a little complicated at the moment and have not been in therapy for a few weeks. That is so funny because my therapist told me the same thing… walk out to the park and back.. which is like the end of my driveway… that’s it… he is there… i just need to get the med there too… and a miracle from God would help as well… I think that therapy can help a lot but I also need to be on the right meds! and that I have not been for a long time. I need to find a good doctor for that. I hope someday i can get unstuck like you. All in time…. so they say. someday…. ?
Yes, definately need the right meds., it can make a world of difference in the long run. I know it might seem like it’s just putting a band-aid over the problem but when it hurts to even breathe, you need something – anything, to take the edge off in order to truly heal. I’m so glad you decided to return to the medicine route once again and I’m not ashamed to say it. When I go off mine, the world just collapses on me.
I cannot claim that I know how you feel but I know how it feels to be depressed. I know how it feels to want the happiness you’ve just felt few hours ago but depression always butt in.
I am not also emotionally stable. Well, damn, I am not a stable person. I often find myself asking “Are other people also like this? If so, why are they so good at masking it?”.
Hanging out with energetic people helps though.
Anyway, hi to you! ;)
We’ll be happy soon.
Thanks… I need to hang out with people… I moved and it’s not easy meeting new people when your depressed…. BUT I am going to a basketball game tonight… So that’s a good thing! Thanks for stoping by my blog and for subscribing :) after I get back from the game I will check yours out:)
I had to read through this post a couple of times and each time I found something that was true about me. It was really hard to read, I really appreciate all the work you put into your blog. Reading through the comments I can tell it is not just therapeutic for you, but for others as well.
Thanks for stopping by. :)
I can relate to this totally. Being 18 and told you have depression…sucks.
I can’t tell people how it feels because it’s not very nice. I love what you said here
“I don’t even want to talk about how depression taints time. The days drag on forever. All I can think about is to sleep, even though my body aches just lying in bed, sleep has become the only way to escape the painfulness of depression. It just makes it even worse.”
It’s so true. Although it’s a horrible feeling, and I wouldn’t wish it upon ANYONE, it’s nice to know you’re not alone
First, I want to thank you for reading:) ..and for you comment!
Second, …you are so young…. i am now 27 and have been fighting depression since about your age. I wish I knew what I knew then what i know it would be eaiser to get out of the awful grip that depression has on me. It helps knowing your not alone… I get it… you don’t want to wish this on anyone… but you feel some sort of normalcy to know your not by your self.
I am reading a really good book right now… it’s called ‘moving beyond depression’ by: Gregory L. Jantz, PH.D
i can’t put it down… it is so real and to the point and great! I pray that we fight this and win!!! you are not alone!
Your honesty really makes me feel better. Let this blog help you-take comfort in your own strength-even if you do not realize it, even in your darkest times you’re actually HELPING people. I’m inspired by the way you let your heart speak so unfiltered.
I’ve been struggling with depression and severe anxiety issues and got medicated but didn’t go to counseling. The medicine is no longer working and I realized I’m simply treating the symptoms and not the problem. Although I have to wait a few months to get into therapy, like you said, there’s always hope that someday we won’t be plagued by this disease.
May the
longtime sun
shine upon you,
all love surround you,
and the sweet light within you
guide your way on.
– Traditional blessing
I’m so glad that you found this blog then and it has helped to know you are not alone… Thank you for letting me know your thoughts! I sucks to have to wait for therapy… but from one who has tried everything under the sun perhaps some advice will help. Find out if their is a DBT program around you… it is literally saving my life… that and prayer! Start a blog and connect to others that will support you… find a group around your area… and love your self as much as you can… the mind can tell our souls awful lies about how unworthy we are… you are worth it! you commenting and serching for information on depression shows that you are trying… that you are wanting this to get better… keep learning… keep understanding… and keep believing that you are good enough to have the best.. and nothing less. prayers for you this night. If you ever have a question just email me at untitledmoments@ymail.com
here is a blog that might help you http://www.167hours.net
start from the beginning and read up:) they are so amazing and have helped me through a lot!!!
i can relate to this im living this everyday and sometimes ppl don’t really understand why, i keep pushing the away because i cant explain what i feel to everyone…
I too suffer from depression, and bi polar type 2 as well. I tried to get through your piece several times with no luck. So I finished it by reading the last 2 paragraphs in hoping that you had found a solution. I’ve read several responses of your piece, but they too started to bring me into a downward spiral. Why I’m responding is How I found relief from about 80% of my depression. Meds, meds, meds. It’s taken 4 years of playing with the different ones but we finally found a combination that works for me; others find it very quickly. No 2 people are alike biochemically and what works for some won’t help others. I hope you find the right solution to your depression and pray that that you find it quicker than later. I do believe in faith, but when you are depressed faith is sometimes hard to find within yourself.
Michael
Michael,
You know I do have something that I believe in! DBT… Google it! It is a amazing concept of therapy and if you can find a group even better! I wish you luck! I have been re-diagnosed with PTSD and DID… it’s frustrating… but good to know…
Please look into DBT I think it will help!!!
Good Luck to you!
Thanks.. will do..
Firstly, thank you for your lovely comment on my post. As you now know, I have been in a very similar place and I know how dark & bleak it can be. But I found a lot of solace in writing it out, and through poetry…and through my faith. I also found a lot of solace in the online world too. In fact it amazed me at how kind people were and how much understanding there is. It’s a great way to connect with people when you can’t get up to get out of the house.
I wish you all the best on your journey to recovery and I look forward to reading more of your honest and beautiful poetry. Thank s again :)
I just found your blog and will subscribe. My heart goes out to you sweetheart and I can relate as I too battle anxiety and depression. Sometimes u have to try a few meds until u find one that works for u.Meds alone wont do it. With trauma you need both treatments.(meds and therapy). Depression is not a death sentence even though you have lived this way for so long it has become so familiar. I am speaking from experience.I am glad u have a blog..I have one too and it helps so much to connect with others who understand and support you!
I send you warm hugs and lots of love!
Monica
Thank you for your subscription and for reading my heart. Meds are complicated… I actually just thought about starting something diff to get through this big low… therapy is good… but so slow and very hard!
Thanks for your hugs and love;)