my soul bleeding before you:
It’s been a season of major change in my life. I have climbed some necessary steps in my life. I know that this is the right thing to do. Yet, it doesn’t seem like it. I hate feeling alone. All by my self board out of my mind. Depression feeds off of loneliness. I think I might pick up talking to myself; or perhaps I should learn how to talk with God more. It’s one of those nights when I feel like what’s the point. I know the point. I just don’t like waiting. sigh!
Sometimes I wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why did this happen. Why did it have to come to this. Why was it so hard for the people that ‘loved’ me to understand? Why does my heart have to heart so bad? Why can’t I just be content being alone? Why does it hurt so much to cry? Why do these tears bring so much fear? I can’t control these sobs right now. I want someone to just hold me and tell me that it’s okay. But I’m all alone and my heart hurts…. and I’m sick of saying that! Lord, PLEASE PLEASE come rescue my broken heart. I hurt so bad right now! I don’t want to live in the fear from the world. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t wan’t to even breath anymore! I don’t! I don’t even want to live anymore! I don’t! I feel like I am fighting different thoughts… different minds all within me. I am stuck! At this moment I feel like I don’t want to breath another dark nasty breath…. but I know this will fade… but what I also know is that… it will come back; again and again and again. I am freaking out inside! I want to do the right thing… I strive for myself to be the best mom to my girls to give them the best. I want to be me who God has created me to be and do…. yet this brokenness is hindering me to walk… to even crawl. I have this cloud of darkness hovering over me. Will this depression ever end? I need miracle…. Lord please… show me that even just a week from know will be better.
sigh!!!! I feel that when darkness is at it’s best and I am at my worst that it will prevail and this life will end before it’s miracle was to have taken place.
Beat by silent beat
a half of heart labors
where a whole heart would fail
ache by stifled ache
this nova heart
grown cold so young
tear by falling tear
painfully taken
painfully reminded
of what it was like to keep them locked away
this life is painfully taken
this road is narrow and long
my heart is cold and alone
and my body is reminded to much
of all the moments that used to be
and are to come
if I don’t keep the secrets sealed.
what if he’s right
what will happen when
….no more secrets lie with in
I’m playing Russian roulette with the devil
darkness is in each barrel
with light in one
I need to pull the trigger and end this game
I really can’t do this much longer
alone is not for me
alone is all I know
I miss the yesterdays
I miss the laughter
I miss having a purpose
I miss the melody of it all
I hate that you ruined this for me
I hate myself for not just sucking up and pushing through!
one more night… one more lonely sleep till laughter can be in my home again.
will I make it to awake again?
I hear you girl… I have been there. But please don’t ever give up. There is always hope, even when you can’t see any light. I was right at the edge, and I felt hopeless too. Hope is a constant, confident expectation of good in every situation… Jesus lives in you girl, He is your hope..
I pray you feel His arms close around you right now. I am here today because I spoke God’s word, His promises over my life. I didn’t believe what I was saying was true it at the time. I thought there was no use, but somehow I mustered up speaking out loud the scriptures. I had them posted on my mirror, and made myself read it and say it. Little did I know, I was beginning to see a flicker of light again.
II Corinthians 5:17 says you are a new person in Christ.
Romans 8:37 – You are more than a conqueror through Him Who loves you.
2 Corinthians 5:21 – You are the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ.
Colossians 1:13 – You are delivered from the power of darkness and translated into God’s kingdom.
Isaiah 53:5; 1 Peter 2:24 – You are healed by the stripes of Jesus.
Romans 1:7; Ephesians 2:4; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 1:4 – You are greatly loved by God.
2 Timothy 1:7 – God has not given you a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind.
Galatians 2:20 – It is not you who live, but Christ lives in you.
Deuteronomy 28:13 – You are the head and not the tail; You are above only and not beneath.
Colossians 2:10 – You are complete in Him Who is the Head of all principality and power.
Ephesians 2:5 – You are alive with Christ.
This is one of my favorite songs I listen to, when I am feeling blah:
Thanks girl!!! this is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much!!!! really really really! thank you!
You are welcome! You are in my prayers!
Layla, I admire your strength and your commitment to press on in this battle. You might not feel like your very strong right now, but you truly are. I wish I could take away all the pain that you are feeling right now and help you to fast forward to a better day. I so remember feeling like you feel right now and thinking that the hurt was never going to come to an end. However, it did. And while I cannot promise you that the pain will completely disappear in this lifetime, I can promise you that you will one day be able to finally to live again without always feeling as if you are on the verge of tears with every single waking moment. I stand behind you 100% in whatever choice you make in regards to your life decisions and I’m so sorry that there are so many people out there who either just don’t understand what you’re feeling or who judge the choices that you are making. Nobody can ever judge someone else unless they have been in their shoes. The best advice that I ever received when I was going through my own crisis was to look to God for approval and not people. It was probably the best advice I ever received. If you constantly seek direction from God you will never fail. God will guide your foot steps every step of the way and in time you will know which way to move. The hardest part of all is having the patience to wait until you know which direction that might be. Until then you need to stand firm and trust God, knowing that He will not fail to show you what He desires for your life if you wait on His timing. Your story is still being written by the One and only Author and even though we don’t know what all of the chapters are about, we do know how it all ends and how beautiful that day will be when you, me and all of the other fellow believers are in Heaven with God someday. What a glorious day that will be!
this is another deep entry…….its like you have captured everything im gooing through…