~A letter to my butterfly~

 

My butterly...

 

Watching you sleep last night I wondered what was going through your little mind
you are so full of adventure
and passion fills up your soul.
Your adventures in the field catching butterflies, it’s just what your mommy did when I was your age…

I often sit outside your bedroom door and listen to you sing
It reminds me of all the times I hid in my secret place and sang my little heart out to Jesus
I pray that God will keep you safe… always and forever.
I am sorry that mommy doesn’t do it like the rest… You just remind me of me when I was a little girl…
and I look at you and go back to a time that was too dark to even share with you.

The way you talk… how you love math and can’t spell… you drive your teachers crazy… but your music and art teachers love you….
you love to kick that soccer ball just like your mommy did…
I am sorry mommy is the way she is… I am on my knees asking God to heal me whole… to be a better mommy for you.
If only you did not remind me of that little girl and those dark yucky moments I see when I see you…..

… The way you eat… your laugh… you even get your sarcasm from me… we should work on not doing that though :)
It’s just you and me butterfly… we are the only ones in our family who eat avocados and mushrooms…love peas and carrots… yummy grapefruit… oh and our sea food…. we need to teach this family how to eat:)
I love you so much and with tears pouring down my face right now I wish I could give you this letter… but I can’t…
I don’t want you to know this is how I feel!

If I could only have had the chance to scream at that man and tell him how much I hate him for making me feel this way….
if only justice could be served to him…. if maybe i could just dance on his grave and tell him I hate him and he cannot have you too… he cannot take you from my heart!!!

I wish you could be happier… and I wish that when I looked at your beautiful face all I saw in you was my little butterfly…not me broken and ashamed…

This is not your fault, this is mommy’s issue and it’s my fault that I am the way I am with you:(
I try so hard to be a better mommy…
but I get so lost in your big green eyes and my mind becomes numb and my heart is engulfed with the unwanted memories that you remind me of… I am sorry I am such a bad mom…
I feel that I can’t repair what has been lost.
I feel like a failure! I am so sorry butterfly!

I am working very hard to get past all of this… my only desire is to be the very best mother I can be!
You deserve it all and I am trying really hard….
No one wants to dredge up such a horrific past… but I’m doing it all for you…
I am pushing myself every chance I get and someday I pray that we can be where we should be…
until that day comes, can you please forgive me for not being the mommy that I should be
the mommy I want to be
and the mommy I hope to become someday soon!
I love you butterfly!

~Mommy

My favorite song since I was about 11… I feel in love with this song the first time I heard this and have loved it ever since!

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2 responses to “~A letter to my butterfly~

  1. Wow. This really, really hits home. I often feel ashamed and paranoid for trying to protect my daughter SO much because I don’t want her to suffer now like I did, or later in life like I do. I have so much guilt that my past impairs my present as a mother. I’ve just had to come to terms with the fact that when it comes to your babies, you cannot be too protective, yet you can’t protect them from evil that is out of your control. All you can do is love them and never stop, and make sure that they know that they have a father in heaven who loves them as much as you do, and will always watch out for them.

To all that let me know your thoughts... I appreciate each one. Thank you for reading all my Untitledmoments. ~L

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