Monthly Archives: October 2010

Recovery begins when….

Posted on October 23, 2010 | 1 Comment

My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
but that’s all I hear is the monsters resounding echoes…
telling me I’m stupid
telling me I’m his

Recovery begins
When you set fire to the lies
When you face the fear
And deny the power of his shaming voice.

Recovery begins
With each breath that is spoken
With each tear that wells up
With each memory penned in ink
All against the evilness of his quest….

My spirit fights in the storm
In search for the forgotten memories
Gathering what’s left
from the damning damage that he created…
all as I was mercilessly forced to endure in the confusion
and harbor a greater pain and relentless torture
of this man that had a dark fixation on my once innocent now bleeding heart.

I’m still listening for my Fathers voice…

Recovery begins
In opening up
In telling my sad story
My story of a girl who was stripped of her virtue
Stripped of her voice
And left forgotten in a world where no one noticed the damage being done
where the villain seemed to always win and the innocence of her small life was tossed into the summer wind.

Recovery begins
When I’m assured that I’m not alone
When I’m assured that I’m not stupid
That what he did was not my fault
And I’m not out of my mind

Whisper to me…
Take me away in the wind
Let me feel the presence of my redeemer…
Recovery begins with HIM!

Little girl I am freeing us today
I am putting voice to our sad story
Defeating the monster
Declaring our memories as is
And no one can take us down

My spirit flows in the wind
in hunt for the protectiveness of my savior
I’m listening for my Fathers voice
And this is what it’s saying…

He’s telling us we are not alone
That recover began at the cross
Recovery began then
And recovery begins now
It begins with the voice of Love

Recovery begins
When I release the grasp of the darkness
When I step out of the shadows
And let the light bring the reality
Of the sadness

Recovery begins
When I let the voice of the redeemer
be the only echoing voice with in.
Recovery begins when I let go of all I have been clinging to and
allow His healing hands to recover me from the ashes
and turn me into something beautiful.

~L

*I’ve never found a more perfect song to fit a post before.  I hope you take the time to listen to this beautiful song by Firefight…. it is perfect!  You would think that I wrote this post after I heard this song… yet I found it after as I was searching for a fitting song…. it was meant to be…

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Worlds Collide

Posted on October 19, 2010 | 1 Comment

Summer nights
Full of fright
Her heart in her belly
Her mind… not ready to fight.
In flight she mentality soars
to the deepest part of a world
Where a hero lies
A hero that save her from the dark disenchanted world
where the monster lies in charge
and her bleeding body becomes his means of power.

In this flight
She lies in the mental safety
Where no fright enters her soul
Where her heart is free to fly with the butterflies
And her intellect free from the tortuous underworld
…safe within the silver lining – the safety net for her own shame
and horrendous acts of evil hands and evil games.

It is here in her imagination
that the monster can’t keep her from singing her melodies
where her laughter is embraced…
a cherished friend is welcomed…
the innocence of children play…
and fear is forever banished.

Yet it’s a shame that in her shame the worlds collide
And she is forced to choose.
Forced to stay grounded
Forced to stay beneath the silver lining
where a suspicious pattern of evil hands steal her value
and leave her less than whole
more than brokenhearted
And full of fear.

Her heart was left in flight.
Her hero now trapped beyond the protective layer
which only left her to the reality of gravity.
Fallen from grace and longing to go back
For once what was helpful
has now become dangerous in the healing of her soul.

Reality goes on trial.
She is forced to testify the unwanted memories
Yet knowing that her voice will make them less
does not make this heart of hers feel overly convinced.

Her soul will bellow out
in madness
and in sadness.
She will mourn the loss
of childhood…
Mourn her forbidden friend… her forgotten world.
She will mourn the death of her life that could have been!
And fear for the life that will never be…

Summer nights
slowly fade
Days full of fright
No longer can take flight
Her heart in her belly
Her mind…
somewhat prepared
Yet uncertain
Now hesitant for this necessary fight.

Admitting the reality
of what was
what is
and what will always be
Yesterday
Today
And tomorrow too…

“Another day…. another waiting game…  So I sing a lullaby to the lonely heart tonight.  I am fighting to believe.  I want to open up my eyes… I’m going stronger each day… letting go of my fear and doubt….  Fighting for love that I can’t see…. Just know that theirs a purpose…. for those who wait!!! The pressure makes us stronger… the struggle makes us hunger… the hard lessons make the difference and the difference makes it worth it… !!  ~ Fireflight

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Posted in My art work, Poems by ~L

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~A letter to my butterfly~

Posted on October 15, 2010 | 2 Comments

 

My butterly...

 

Watching you sleep last night I wondered what was going through your little mind
you are so full of adventure
and passion fills up your soul.
Your adventures in the field catching butterflies, it’s just what your mommy did when I was your age…

I often sit outside your bedroom door and listen to you sing
It reminds me of all the times I hid in my secret place and sang my little heart out to Jesus
I pray that God will keep you safe… always and forever.
I am sorry that mommy doesn’t do it like the rest… You just remind me of me when I was a little girl…
and I look at you and go back to a time that was too dark to even share with you.

The way you talk… how you love math and can’t spell… you drive your teachers crazy… but your music and art teachers love you….
you love to kick that soccer ball just like your mommy did…
I am sorry mommy is the way she is… I am on my knees asking God to heal me whole… to be a better mommy for you.
If only you did not remind me of that little girl and those dark yucky moments I see when I see you…..

… The way you eat… your laugh… you even get your sarcasm from me… we should work on not doing that though :)
It’s just you and me butterfly… we are the only ones in our family who eat avocados and mushrooms…love peas and carrots… yummy grapefruit… oh and our sea food…. we need to teach this family how to eat:)
I love you so much and with tears pouring down my face right now I wish I could give you this letter… but I can’t…
I don’t want you to know this is how I feel!

If I could only have had the chance to scream at that man and tell him how much I hate him for making me feel this way….
if only justice could be served to him…. if maybe i could just dance on his grave and tell him I hate him and he cannot have you too… he cannot take you from my heart!!!

I wish you could be happier… and I wish that when I looked at your beautiful face all I saw in you was my little butterfly…not me broken and ashamed…

This is not your fault, this is mommy’s issue and it’s my fault that I am the way I am with you:(
I try so hard to be a better mommy…
but I get so lost in your big green eyes and my mind becomes numb and my heart is engulfed with the unwanted memories that you remind me of… I am sorry I am such a bad mom…
I feel that I can’t repair what has been lost.
I feel like a failure! I am so sorry butterfly!

I am working very hard to get past all of this… my only desire is to be the very best mother I can be!
You deserve it all and I am trying really hard….
No one wants to dredge up such a horrific past… but I’m doing it all for you…
I am pushing myself every chance I get and someday I pray that we can be where we should be…
until that day comes, can you please forgive me for not being the mommy that I should be
the mommy I want to be
and the mommy I hope to become someday soon!
I love you butterfly!

~Mommy

My favorite song since I was about 11… I feel in love with this song the first time I heard this and have loved it ever since!

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Posted in Healing one day at a time

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entitled moments

Posted on October 10, 2010 | Leave a comment
Arresting Sun

Image by Fr Antunes via Flickr

There have been many moments in my 27 years of life that have been left untitled. For many years I did not care to name them… many of them were unnoticed and very forgotten for many years. I’ve been told that the many stolen moments in my life were very much entitled moments that were stolen away. Each and every moment in my life is what it is. Each present layer exists and I am hear to claim them as is… even the the ones that I desperately wish could be forgotten. They all belong to me.

I have learned much this past month. I have learned how important it is to feed the faith and starve the doubt. To be present and not let all the past and future moments steal the very present moment that I’m very much entitled to claim as my own.

I have also learned who my real friends are this past month. To them, I am very grateful for your prayers, cards and emails. They have meant so much to me! I am grateful to my husband who has shown me his commitment to us and how hard he has worked to make me feel special while I’ve been gone.

I would also like to thank a very important person who made the impossible happen… you believed in me when I could not… you pushed me when needed and if it was not for you I would not be sitting here in the very airport that 4 weeks ago I anxiously thought; “what’s the point”? Death was confident then and today I promise you I’m truly ready to fight for my entitled moments and make all the untitled moments titled. Thank You!

Recovery is a journey, a daily surrender and a forever commitment. I know I have many months of hard work…. but I shall not worry about the many months for now I will be in this very moment (pretty sure this moment is telling me to go eat something :) )… I’m not going to let moments pass me by. In this very moment I feel joy and an inner courage.

So to the little girl within…. let’s title those moments shall we…. we are entitled…. they were never meant to be theirs.

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Alone? (via The Other 167 Hours)

Posted on October 4, 2010 | Leave a comment

Amazing blog… Such a good thing to ponder on.

Alone? Image via Wikipedia It’s possible that being alone is not just our greatest fear but our only fear. It could be the active ingredient in our fear of death. It could be the element we empathically resonate with when we fear something happening to our children. Even our fear of rejection seems not so much about the rejection as it is about the imagined result of the rejection – being alone. Our fear of harm, pain, suffering, damage… these may all … Read More

via The Other 167 Hours

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Posted in Knowing God and Making Him known, Random Blog Posts