This may be thee most ADHD post you will ever read in your life. So if you dare read on I commend you and thank you for taking the time to read my heart as I release it from within to my finger tips as they quickly type my heart.
The countdown is on. “should I stay or should I go now… if I won’t there might be trouble…. ” (old song that just popped in my head)
I am scheduled to fly to Washington State Saturday morning… and I get that “I NEED TO GO” but I swear the battle that is going on within is making it very difficult to step out in faith right now.
….okay it’s time that layla preaches what she knows and just maybe I can convince myself this time in all of what I know is truth.
I am God’s beloved! He is never ever ever going to leave me, send me back, or relax his love for me! I get that… but see I keep putting God in this box; like He’s not big enough to take care of this. How dare I think that God is not big enough to do this. SIGH!
In the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan He talks about “Justified Stress“? I am going to quote a few paragraphs:
But there’s that perplexing command: ” Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4) “Do not be anxious about anything” (v.6)
That came as a pretty staggering realization. But what I realized next was even more staggering. When I am consumed by problems – stressed out about my life, my family, and my job – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a “right to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.
Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.
Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.
Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? I find myself relearning this lesson often. Even though I glimpse God’s holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all. Yet, God does call us his beloved and cares about our brokenness…. we must trust that he is big enough to take care of whatever situation we are facing! Get God out of the box!
Okay now back to Layla’s ADHD world… are you ready?
It’s like this… and I am going to be very honest, real, blunt… I may even shock myself at what I may say…. sigh… here we go…
What i experienced at age 7 … all the confusion, all the pain and heartache of what my grandfather did to me was evil! That’s what it was. EVIL! (oh my… needing to puke) and you know what so what if i puke it out… I WANT IT OUT OF ME MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER EVER EVER KNOW!!!!! My physical body is experiencing WW3 and it’s a mess… and this little girl is very misunderstood and trapped! It’s hard to think of my kids going back to school and have this memory of the day before 6th grade… oh how do I put that into the light… how… how … how????
Okay… re -focus… and yes those of you know me… I just did what I did a few Sundays ago in front of you all on stage in front of 500 + people :) I just waved my hand out in a circle and out loud said “refocus, layla” Oh… that was embarrassing… especially when all of a sudden 3 hours later i said.. did i say that out loud… and my husband and a few friends said oh… yes… and it was great LOL moment… :) Whoa… bunny trail… shall i wave my hand in front of my face again;)
Okay where was I going with all this… so basically what I go out of those few paragraphs in Crazy love was this…. “Layla, BE STILL… remember my post about that… yeah… well I am not being still…. i am fighting God, who is thee creator of all and thinking he is not big enough to get me on a plane and expose the truth… which means taking it out of the darkness and putting it into the light and that is going to be the second hardest thing to actually the moments of being in it… so puke I might… cry… it must be done… remember the book the Velveteen rabbit.. how the bunny with his tear made the earth beneath him real…. that’s just it… that’s what needs be done… to make it real…
no one ever said real was beautiful… BUT I AM PRETTY SURE GOD TAKES ASHES AND TURNS THEM INTO BEAUTY. So if I am to truly have faith… I need to stop fighting my almighty God and surrender my anxious heart and FEAR…. I need to stop thinking MY GOD IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH! How dare I think that he is not bigger than my memories…. it’s hard… it’s inconceivable …. but my God is invincible and his love is relentless and I AM HIS BELOVED!
It was in one of Dr. Hamilton’s blogs that talked about “Believe. Behave. Be moved and I am sure he meant something other than what I got out of it, but this is what I got….
I am grateful for all who have put into action the love of Christ in helping me move beyond this once tragedy…. You behaved in His love and you are moved by His love… thus you teach me how to believe in His truth about myself and how to behave in HIS love and how to go forth in be moved by His love.
This has been my new motivation as I press on in the darkness. I must filter through what I believe and if it’s true. (Yes, I was hurt as a child, but I don’t want to believe in the lies that he tried to instill… well I’m working on that!!!!). With help from a very important person who does not give up on my stubbornness! I am learning to believe in what our Heavenly Father says. If I believe in the lies that “he” tried to instill in me as a child; then I will behave on those lies as an adult… and if I behave on those lies I will be moved by them. I DO NOT want to be moved by anything that has to do with those lies…. I want to believe in the love of our Maker and behave in that love and be moved by HIS love. It’s in these moments of “getting it” that I try to cling on to.
Believe in the Fathers love, Behave in the Fathers love, and BE moved in the Fathers love.
God has proven to me already that I can beat all odds… what makes me think I should stop now… (no one ever said it would not hurt, because it does more than one could ever know)!!!
Who knows… maybe someday I will be able to share with the world how God moved me.
~It’s a crazy love I tell ya!
~L’s Crazy love play list… I tell you you have to listen to these great songs!!!!
I love this chick…
“Your love never fails!!!!! Your love never never changes… their may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning light…. and when the oceans rage. I don’t have to be afraid because I know YOU ALWAYS LOVE ME :) You make ALL things work together for my good… “ Love this song!!!!!
…and he loves even me! The words to this song are so beautiful!
Nothing is greater than his love that holds our life together! Let this fire consume my life! Let Your love take me deeper and draw me closer to where you are!!!! I am forever humbled by the message of the cross! I will never be the same, Oh God! Your love is like fire, let it burn for all to see!
FOREVER HIS LOVE ENDURES!