- Image by Barbara L. Slavin via Flickr
my heart hurts
and and breaks for not knowing what it would have been like to turn 8 and blow out my candles and wonder if i would have to go “get ice cream” again.
It breaks thinking about how much I wish I could go back to the time I was 6 and everything was normal… where i didn’t have to worry about if “he” was going to come into my room and wake me up out of my dreams… the dreams i wish I could have again.
My soul it’s heavy… it wonders if this little girl will ever come out and help heal this adult…. or if this adult can some how convey to this little girl that it’s now safe to tell her sad sad story…
my mind is weary from the painful memories that keep flooding into present time.
I remember the time when my dad would come into my room and sit on the edge of my bed and play his guitar for me… and i would say again, and again… just one more time daddy… don’t leave…
I never wanted him to leave because i knew that if he would stay i would be okay. Why didn’t he know? Why did he have to drink? And why did he have to work so much… I want to go back and time and tell my dad to come with me to get ice cream… to come with me and keep me safe…
I am dieing inside… i can’t find the will to breath anymore… i feel a painful numb… is that possible to feel both; well i do, so i guess so… i don’t feel anger anymore… i just feel hopeless and out of reach… i just want this heartache to stop… to go away… how do i make this heartache go away… i feel so alone…
i feel like my whole life has been a lie. I don’t know who i really am. Who i could have become…. what would it have been like to own my own body, my own emotions, my own mind…. my own mind…
if the world could just for one moment stop reminding me of that little girl… maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad… i just want to run away… or fly away… and just be me and let the world still move with out me feeling the need to be present in it…
I feel like if the ones i love could tell me it’s okay to go get the help i need i could go heal and let it all come pouring out without having to feel the load of all these responsibilities. Just tell me to go… and i will go… but if you don’t tell me than i can’t… i need to rest… i don’t what to do anymore…
sigh….
I like this song. It’s deep.