I feel so much confusion, anger, pain
My heart is bleeding out with silent screams!
I fear that what is done can never be undone
Undone would make it a lie
But rather fix what is broken?
Oh silent screams
My soul is bleeding out…
Tragady
Oh sweet tradgady
Pourinng from my wound
Seeping from all the many cracks
that are loosely held together by this childs glue
What a disapointing setback
What a a tragedy
Seems this life to me
Oh, Lord can you come rescue your child
I’m bleeding out
Im fading fast
And I’m brokenhearted
Screaming silent screams
To a mighty force
A war is raging
And I’m bleeding out.
I went to a church service last night and this song that I posted below really hit me hard!!!! I cried so hard and about half way through the song I hit my knees… I could have cared less who was around…. It was just me and God and I lost it! The words to this song are so very powerful!!!!
“In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny!
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
is sinking sand”!
Today I gave voice to that little girl inside…
It felt a bit heavy and freeing all at the same time.
Tonight in the great state of Washington after a nice home cooked meal my room mates I continued to play some great music and one of the girls and I just connected with the whole love of music and art…. She told me her story and it just felt so comfortable to say something to someone who understood what it felt like to have her soul ripped from your heart and your innocence stolen slowly and watch the girl you could have become fade into a summers night….
Okay let’s see how it goes… I’m going to do some free writing….
You know the summer nights when you just so happen to look up
And the sun is meeting the earth…
You wait till the sun disappears into the ground and the sky changes from orange to purple to gray….
I remember a night like so
I also remember what it was like to see my sunshine filled, young heart meet
the cold earth as the fireflies danced
And the crickets sang a summer melody
All as her soul faded into the darkness of the night
A moment in time can change every moment that follows
And every time you hear the melody of summer you heart misses what it used to be
What it could have been
What it should have been
Stolen youth under a summer sunset
Her orange sky faded to gray fast
And never again to see the colors in between…
Well today this write is going to be an free write…. Not caring if I spell right, sound right, use a period or even just scream. I’m feeling very alone, down,anxious…. I learned a lot today, yet my mind is go go go go and I do nothing with it…..
I think i need a good cry… A good vent… A good ADD session :) SIGH!
I understand that what I am going through or what I went through is NOT me but it’s a part of me!!!! I want so bad to “JUST” be better…. But the pain inside hurts too much at the moment, and just like the good ‘ol U2 says… I’m stuck in the moment and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
I am so desperate to relax… To be still and know that God is God…. Sigh…. I’m working on it….
For my prayer warrior’s…. Today is a day I need your intersession…
Too me that statement is so over used…. Kinda like love. How many times have you heard to let go and let God? Yet it is that phrase that seems to be keeping me from freaking out and thinking thee impossible. My first day here in Washington at treatment and I am beyound nervous! Keeping positive and fighting the negative voice that their is no way I can do this!
“Stay strong”, “let God fight for you…. ~L, you relax, and let your Maker carry you through”!
… If you have never listen to attached songs…. Listen to at least this one…. It’s perfection and my heart
I made it:). I’m quite anxious at the moment…. But good news is my aunt surprised me and was at the hotel when I got here…. It was so good to see her!
I’m wondering how i will sleep tonight. I miss my family already. I’m reminded of the glue of faith that keeps me together. Thank you, Jesus for the great christain guy who sat next to me on the plane and gave me this amazing devotional book. We talked so much about church and prayer and how much we love Jesus…. God is so real… It was not by chance that I sat next to christian…. God is real!
This may be thee most ADHD post you will ever read in your life. So if you dare read on I commend you and thank you for taking the time to read my heart as I release it from within to my finger tips as they quickly type my heart.
The countdown is on. “should I stay or should I go now… if I won’t there might be trouble…. ” (old song that just popped in my head)
I am scheduled to fly to Washington State Saturday morning… and I get that “I NEED TO GO” but I swear the battle that is going on within is making it very difficult to step out in faith right now.
….okay it’s time that layla preaches what she knows and just maybe I can convince myself this time in all of what I know is truth.
I am God’s beloved! He is never ever ever going to leave me, send me back, or relax his love for me! I get that… but see I keep putting God in this box; like He’s not big enough to take care of this. How dare I think that God is not big enough to do this. SIGH!
In the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan He talks about “Justified Stress“? I am going to quote a few paragraphs:
But there’s that perplexing command: ” Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4) “Do not be anxious about anything” (v.6)
That came as a pretty staggering realization. But what I realized next was even more staggering. When I am consumed by problems – stressed out about my life, my family, and my job – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a “right to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.
Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.
Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.
Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? I find myself relearning this lesson often. Even though I glimpse God’s holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all. Yet, God does call us his beloved and cares about our brokenness…. we must trust that he is big enough to take care of whatever situation we are facing! Get God out of the box!
Okay now back to Layla’s ADHD world… are you ready?
It’s like this… and I am going to be very honest, real, blunt… I may even shock myself at what I may say…. sigh… here we go…
What i experienced at age 7 … all the confusion, all the pain and heartache of what my grandfather did to me was evil! That’s what it was. EVIL! (oh my… needing to puke) and you know what so what if i puke it out… I WANT IT OUT OF ME MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER EVER EVER KNOW!!!!! My physical body is experiencing WW3 and it’s a mess… and this little girl is very misunderstood and trapped! It’s hard to think of my kids going back to school and have this memory of the day before 6th grade… oh how do I put that into the light… how… how … how????
Okay… re -focus… and yes those of you know me… I just did what I did a few Sundays ago in front of you all on stage in front of 500 + people :) I just waved my hand out in a circle and out loud said “refocus, layla” Oh… that was embarrassing… especially when all of a sudden 3 hours later i said.. did i say that out loud… and my husband and a few friends said oh… yes… and it was great LOL moment… :) Whoa… bunny trail… shall i wave my hand in front of my face again;)
Okay where was I going with all this… so basically what I go out of those few paragraphs in Crazy love was this…. “Layla, BE STILL… remember my post about that… yeah… well I am not being still…. i am fighting God, who is thee creator of all and thinking he is not big enough to get me on a plane and expose the truth… which means taking it out of the darkness and putting it into the light and that is going to be the second hardest thing to actually the moments of being in it… so puke I might… cry… it must be done… remember the book the Velveteen rabbit.. how the bunny with his tear made the earth beneath him real…. that’s just it… that’s what needs be done… to make it real…
no one ever said real was beautiful… BUT I AM PRETTY SURE GOD TAKES ASHES AND TURNS THEM INTO BEAUTY. So if I am to truly have faith… I need to stop fighting my almighty God and surrender my anxious heart and FEAR…. I need to stop thinking MY GOD IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH! How dare I think that he is not bigger than my memories…. it’s hard… it’s inconceivable …. but my God is invincible and his love is relentless and I AM HIS BELOVED!
It was in one of Dr. Hamilton’s blogs that talked about “Believe. Behave. Be moved and I am sure he meant something other than what I got out of it, but this is what I got….
I am grateful for all who have put into action the love of Christ in helping me move beyond this once tragedy…. You behaved in His love and you are moved by His love… thus you teach me how to believe in His truth about myself and how to behave in HIS love and how to go forth in be moved by His love.
This has been my new motivation as I press on in the darkness. I must filter through what I believe and if it’s true. (Yes, I was hurt as a child, but I don’t want to believe in the lies that he tried to instill… well I’m working on that!!!!). With help from a very important person who does not give up on my stubbornness! I am learning to believe in what our Heavenly Father says. If I believe in the lies that “he” tried to instill in me as a child; then I will behave on those lies as an adult… and if I behave on those lies I will be moved by them. I DO NOT want to be moved by anything that has to do with those lies…. I want to believe in the love of our Maker and behave in that love and be moved by HIS love. It’s in these moments of “getting it” that I try to cling on to.
Believe in the Fathers love, Behave in the Fathers love, and BE moved in the Fathers love.
God has proven to me already that I can beat all odds… what makes me think I should stop now… (no one ever said it would not hurt, because it does more than one could ever know)!!!
Who knows… maybe someday I will be able to share with the world how God moved me.
~It’s a crazy love I tell ya!
~L’s Crazy love play list… I tell you you have to listen to these great songs!!!!
I love this chick…
“Your love never fails!!!!! Your love never never changes… their may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning light…. and when the oceans rage. I don’t have to be afraid because I know YOU ALWAYS LOVE ME :) You make ALL things work together for my good… “ Love this song!!!!!
…and he loves even me! The words to this song are so beautiful!
Nothing is greater than his love that holds our life together! Let this fire consume my life! Let Your love take me deeper and draw me closer to where you are!!!! I am forever humbled by the message of the cross! I will never be the same, Oh God! Your love is like fire, let it burn for all to see!
I hate waiting.
It’s painful to breath as time passes by when you have to wait in the midst of terror…
terror that grips your soul and freezes you
within the moments that brought
heartache and brokenness to this little girl who is trapped within.
My mind is burning with the overwhelming flashes of his hands
and these triggers that take me back to his sick games.
The sound of the ticking clock not only reminds me
of how present time is running out
but also of the many times I heard the repetitive tick,tick,tick.
…as the timer was set for hell to rise up and the child forced to partake
in the rituals of his torment
all while the lingering background noise of the ticking clock reminded her
that it won’t last forever
but forever she will be reminded.
A small war is burning between eternal sleep
and a courageous child who wants to be set free.
I should cry, but my body is reminded of the torment that comes
when the tears fall.
A warm tear is the perfect temperature to heal my wounded heart.
I think he knew that, therefore tears were never acceptable.
Healing was never allowed.
Just the slow drowning of the spirit of a young girl
full of life…
full of joy…
full of adventure.
Going back is hard.
The anxiety that comes in the mundane things…
The smell of cinnamon…
The sudden change in temperature…
The perfect shade of yellow…
A young girl with long curly brown hair.
My body refuses to sleep
Yet it refuses to go forward and let her heal.
It’s in the midst of the night when the haunting peeks
I often wonder if there is a world between heaven and hell
And if so… I wonder if that’s where he lie…
Completely and happily in control of this shattering life.
Okay… whoever reads this blog must know by now that it’s been a battle between the world that I presently live in and the dark world I grew up as a child. This past week has been very emotional for me. As I am currently trying to make the right decision of what I should do. My therapist wants me to go to a program for people who have gone through what I have and have good doctors to help me move forward. Sigh!!!!! This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and I feel as if the weight of this past world is crashing in on me. New memories flood my mind often and sometimes I can manage through them and sometimes I get so sick that if their was anything in my stomach it just comes back up. Gross I know.
So here I am stuck in a moment like the great U2 song says. I feel lost in what I should do, I feel lost in the memories that haunt my soul. I can’t wait for church tomorrow… I need to a joy charge.. I hope I find it. My ADHD mind is beyond lacking focus. I am sure I am not making any sense.
What to do… what to do….
oh… can’t this decisions just be easier… I think it’s owed to me for it to be more simpler than this! Does anyone realize how tired and weak I am. Can someone take over and make these decisions for me?
my heart hurts
and and breaks for not knowing what it would have been like to turn 8 and blow out my candles and wonder if i would have to go “get ice cream” again.
It breaks thinking about how much I wish I could go back to the time I was 6 and everything was normal… where i didn’t have to worry about if “he” was going to come into my room and wake me up out of my dreams… the dreams i wish I could have again.
My soul it’s heavy… it wonders if this little girl will ever come out and help heal this adult…. or if this adult can some how convey to this little girl that it’s now safe to tell her sad sad story…
my mind is weary from the painful memories that keep flooding into present time.
I remember the time when my dad would come into my room and sit on the edge of my bed and play his guitar for me… and i would say again, and again… just one more time daddy… don’t leave…
I never wanted him to leave because i knew that if he would stay i would be okay. Why didn’t he know? Why did he have to drink? And why did he have to work so much… I want to go back and time and tell my dad to come with me to get ice cream… to come with me and keep me safe…
I am dieing inside… i can’t find the will to breath anymore… i feel a painful numb… is that possible to feel both; well i do, so i guess so… i don’t feel anger anymore… i just feel hopeless and out of reach… i just want this heartache to stop… to go away… how do i make this heartache go away… i feel so alone…
i feel like my whole life has been a lie. I don’t know who i really am. Who i could have become…. what would it have been like to own my own body, my own emotions, my own mind…. my own mind… I wish I could have floated away in his balloons. But all I felt was dead – no more colors just dead.
if the world could just for one moment stop reminding me of that little girl… maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad… i just want to run away… or fly away… and just be me and let the world still move with out me feeling the need to be present in it…
I feel like if the ones i love could tell me it’s okay to go get the help i need i could go heal and let it all come pouring out without having to feel the load of all these responsibilities. Just tell me to go… and i will go… but if you don’t tell me than i can’t… i need to rest… i don’t what to do anymore…
Titling all the untitled moments one post at a time
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
Here’s to a wonderful weekend and an end to an awesome mini-vacay. Put Dollywood on your bucket list, people. Cheers! (Follow me on Instagram for more.) *P.S. This drink is called House of Blues. Served at the AWESOME No Way Jose Cantina in Gatlinburg, TN. (My new favorite restaurant.) Continue reading »
Welcome to Free Write Friday. If you are new here, feel free to read the intro. Otherwise, let’s get started. Here is your FWF prompt… Things to remember: Post your entry on your blog. Comment this post with your link. Please, be kind & comment others. Use #FWF hashtag on Twitter. Have a great weekend! ~Kellie Recent FWF Prompts: … Continue reading » […]
You know the old saying, ‘practice what you preach’? It’s most often used when you are giving advice to someone and they call you on it. When they realize that what you are telling them they should do is exactly what you should be doing. Well, I have been called on it. I recently joined … Continue reading »
