Lately I’ve wondered what it would have been like to not have a relationship with God at such a small age. I have thought about if I would even have lived through the dysfunction and torture of it all..without knowing God. Without my childlike faith, that God was real then, I don’t think I would have lived to write this post today. Many miracles have happened in my life that proves that His hand has been in the mix of it all. And someday I will understand.
I argue with myself and wonder if God was there at all or I tell myself, “sure He was” He protected my mind, gave me the beautiful woods around me to run away and be surrounded by all of His greatness… Yet, it’s a a battle back and forth of how could such a loving God let such horror happen to such small children? Was He really there? How could His glory be present in the midst of such darkness… was he really there… I believe He was… and then again my human mind can’t put logic to it. Like I said it’s a constant battle in my mind.
What I do know, is that God is real. I know He is real because I can feel Him. And even when I can’t hear His voice… I know that He is there. A beautiful exchange took place…
“When only love could make a way, when only love could break these chains… he gave his life in a beautiful exchange”!
Despite my fear and sorrow I know that someday I will understand God’s perfect plan for my life. Today is a day full of hope. My heart still aches, my mind still seeks to understand, my soul still yearns to be closer to the presence of a Holy God, and my body starves for the warmth of healing. I wish I could go back and leave my body like I once did when i was a small child… leave behind all the pain and be in that perfect world. Understating will never come easy.
I will be a miracle in this world. I will beat all odds. I will rise above fear and live a life full of Faith, Hope and Love; and the greatest of these, LOVE.
“Holy are you God
Holy is Your name
with everything I have
my heart will sing
how I love you!”
How do you do it? How do you know that god is real? And out of all people I would think you would feel like a god doesn’t exist. You amaze me, L. It’s people like you that have gone through so much and yet believe that there’s a god. And not just that but you have a love. The way you write is so powerful and real. Your honesty humbles me. Your story saddens my heart. Your determination inspires me. Thank you for sharing your story and how god has helped you. I say someday you write a book that inspires those who have gone through what you have.
Josh,
I don’t know how I do it. I believe it is strength from the Lord. Help from an amazing counselor. Prayer from friends and music:) Music really helps me get through this time. Your words of kindness mean a lot to me! I am in the middle of this healing process. Still trying to remember the horrible past. I am no ware near saying I won this battle… yet I am confident that I will. There are days that I feel like I am loosing but overall my head is still above the raging waves of this dark sea. Maybe someday I will be able to write a book(with much editing… i am horrible at the spelling and grammar part of it all:) Or perhaps even share what God has done in my life, other than blogging that is:) I encourage you to pray as you seek for God’s touch. Prayer has been my stronghold in all of this. With out my relationship with God I think I would have given up a long time ago. You know one thing I learned is that I can talk to God any time, any place… even if my words seem pointless… he knows my heart and that is all that matters. God does not demand fancy words from us… just a real heart. I will pray for you and your journey. I pray that you find the realness of God and all his glory. Keep the faith! Keep strong and don’t let the world tell you what to do… read his Word and keep talking to Him. He will listen even when God feels distant…. He will listen.