I tell ya… I don’t know what to think about all that is going on. I started this blog so I could just be free and write exactly how I feel…. I emailed it to a few close friends and I thought I could be real… but I hate you all knowing how I really feel. I hate disappointing you.
For those of you who don’t know me, I am full of love… I care about a lot… if you hurt, I hurt… I have a compassion for hurting people… a love for those who need it. I wish I could love myself… but I just disappoint myself day after day. I don’t do it right… or enough… or just not at all. The nights come and I sit on the couch and think about why it is that I feel this way… how can I get out of this depression. I wonder what the night will hold for me. I pray, I read the bible… I listen to music… and then I go to sleep… I don’t own the dreams that steal my nights away… I wake with fear and I just sit up in bed and stare at the door and wonder what it was like to be her all those years ago. My face is well acquainted with the warm tears that stream down my face in the middle of the night. Some nights I get up and sit on the couch and stare into space.
I feel stupid feeling this way… embarrassed… I feel shame… and most of all I feel sad… sad and confused. I fought this once… and I thought once was all that was needed. It was explained to me like this by someone… if this was cancer and this was me getting it for the second time people would understand. They would feel bad that the cancer is back… they would comfort me and be here for me to help me… and I would not be embarrassed because I can’t help that the cancer is back… so it should be like this with my depression… the problem is so many don’t understand, including myself!… We think that I can just get up and go enjoy life… just do it…. be strong.
I’m sick of being like this…
So I hide…
I hide in the shadows of secrets untold…
hide in the fear that you won’t understand
…hide in the horror that it was real
I hate hating you
I fear that in hating you I have grown further away from God
I have begun to become a stranger in my own body
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know where to go
or what to say
or even how to begin.
Reaching out for help is hard to do…
being turned away is heart crushing…
wanting someone to understand is vital
and not knowing what to do is breathtakingly painful!
The tears that aquanaut my face in the darkest hours of the night
never cease to get easier
I beg heaven to send comfort…
I feel all alone and empty
just like she did when he left her abused and broken
all alone, confused and forgotten.
I have good moments
I have great moments
I have hopeful moments
moments of peace
even moments of joy
Yet it’s in these moments of heartache that seem to destroy my soul
the memories that linger in the never ending dreams, that grieves my soul
and watching her play takes me back to where it all began
and that is the hardest for me.
so here I am…writing to some of you who may know me and some who don’t. I am hurting. I feel lost. And through it all… I still have hope, and I am learning that it is okay to be sad right now. I just hope it is okay for you that I am just a little stuck for the moment…. and someday I will will be able to write a very happy blog post… but until then maybe you can pray that tonight will be a good night….