Monthly Archives: January 2010

Get throgh it as fast as we can…

My famous words have been “I just need to get through this quick… I don’t have time to feel this way”

I have to stop saying this and just know that there is a HOPE and His name is Jesus:)

One of my favorite posts that I read from someone’s blog was about dealing with the all the layers in our life.  I asked him this question: “  How do you not get stuck in a layer… or how do you stay on the last one”?  Is it ok to  forget one exists?

His response was this:  “I think the key is accepting that they are all there – understanding that life is designed to be that way. Remembering that God is present in every layer and knows about each one.”

How true that is!  God sees us through all the layers of our lives, why do we put  masks on cretin layers.   We tend to try going through the motions as quickly as possible. “  Well, that is what I have been doing for a while now.   First I tend to hide them…. even from God.  And second if I do accept a layer that is hard to deal with, I want to quickly go past it… that is not how it works…. Slowing down and doing it right this time is going to be important for me to grasp….

I try and escape to a place of comfort and hope… as QUICKLY as possible!  And a lot of times that is not running to God for hope and comfort… so all those temporary fixes…. yah… not going to do the trick…  they are only going to  last so long till the next “worldly” thing that makes it feel better….  We all have them… the things that makes the hurt go away for awhile… our yummy chocolate, TV, food, alcohol… whatever it may be, we all have our own addictions.   I want to be addicted to TRUTH… HIS Truth… HIS Love, HIS HOPE!  This world does not hold the hope I need. It is in Him that the world needs to seek their HOPE.


~L

** please take the time to listen to the song I attached, it is so worth the 4 minuets!

I need you Jesus! Come to my rescue!

…my monday

… I don’t know … I mean I do… but hear I go… knowing that you all know I had a good day, to complain seems awful!  I think it is in the stillness of the night when all the business of the day comes to a hault that I start poundering what is surrunding me.  Monday’s tend to be a day when I am too busy to even think… Tuesdays are my crash days… not tomorrow!  Tomorrow I will go to the gym!  I am meeting an old youth student for lunch… and I am sure when I get home I will crash with my little munchkin but it is a step.  The tredmill at the gym has not experinced L sweat in a long time.  A good run in need.

Last night I woke up at 1:30 to take another Ambien… I don’t know if I can do that, but I did… I was desperate… and I am pretty sure I took an extra happy pill today on accident… I could not remember if I took it or not:)  oops!!!!!  o-well I am breathing just fine right now.  I pray for a good 6-8 hours of sleep tonight with dreaming of warm beaches, my kids laughing and yummy watermelon… oh how I miss summer:)

~L

wierd sleep

So I found that taking an Ambien to sleep is not going to mean I sleep well:(

The night was filled of racing thoughts and strange dreams

Dan woke me out of a nightmare again…

I woke up tense.. my shoulders, neck… my jaw…even my hands

I need rest….

one night…

just one night…

~L

He is my true rest.

Injustice

Unthinkable injustice, more than
mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect,
unthinkable without end.

Deep within the soul of a man
Dark and controlled; unthinkable.
The need to measure and to weigh,
the need for justice now prevails…
As grain by grain of sand is placed
upon those waiting scales.
Pound for pound, ounce for ounce,
eye for eye and tooth for tooth.
Measured, meted, sifted out,
searching for what is truth.

Unthinkable injustice, more than
mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect,
unthinkable without end.
Justice soon demands it’s due and
then becomes dire need!

Upon my knees I fall once more,
Holy Spirit, Intercede!
Break apart the darkness that seeks
to dwell within the corridors of my mind.
Break the hardness in my heart
and bring to me Your sweet rest.

Send your army Lord I pray
Fight the dark ones that seek to prey
I am weak and need Your peace.
Hear on my knees
I seek You oh Lord,
with all that is left.

Unthinkable injustice, more than
mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect,
unthinkable without end.

~L

Beauty from Pain

Scared
Terrified
Deathly terrified

of what is
of what was
and what is going to come
…of what has always been.

Fear
Ashamed
I can’t hear His voice anymore
I am at the end of me
I am just in need of one night
one night of rest
one day filled with hope

~L

“I forgot to hope this nights been so long
I cling to your promise…
their will be a dawn.

The best I can do is just pray through the day
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
and though I can’t understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back some day…
and see how you brought beauty from pain”
~Supperchick

Okay God, I get it… I know… (deep breath in)  I am yours… mold me from this wreck… I do trust in You.

Recipe for pain

1.12.2011 <recipes> 362/365

Ingredients:

1 small child
1 evil monster
1 dark corner
1 whole heart
2 cups of darkness
4 cups  touches
1 cup pain
2 lbs tears
2 heaping table spoons of hate
4 tsp screams
3 tsp loneliness
*dash of frowns to add for taste

 

Directions:

Mix together small child plus evil monster
place in dark corner and beat until stiff
crack open the heart remove all hope
separate innocence throw away the shell
slowly blend in one cup pain,
two cups darkness and two pounds of tears
Set this aside… wait for a while

Add two teaspoons of hate
two teaspoons of silent screams
Mix in touches… add some loneliness
sift in frowns, stir until numb, remove all trust
Add remaining innocence

*Directions correctly followed and you will soon see
Fear was created in this kitchen of nightmares
A tormented Child… a soul lost
by dirty hands and unwanted touches

~L

short thought… and must listen! :)

Piecing together
The intricate fragments
of my “Whole”
I am reminded of the “glue of faith”
Securing the essence of my soul.

    One of the best songs ever written to our Savior!  A must listen!

“Sugar Cane” By missy Higgings. Love this song!

“Sugar Cane”

By: Missy Higgins

\”Sugar Cane\” by: Missy Higgins listen to it at youtube…. it is a great song!

Baby ballerina’s
Hiding somewhere in the corner
Where the shadow wraps around her
And our torches cannot find her
She will stay there till the morning
Crawl behind us as we are yawning
And she will leave our game
To never be the same

So grow tall sugarcane
Eat that soil, drink the rain
But know they’ll chase you if you play their little games
So run, run fast sugarcane

You see my peep-show booth is handy
There’s a one-way-only mirror
So I can dance here with my hair down
But I don’t see if you get bitter
And there’s a button right beside me
If I happen to want a wall to hide me
If only the ballerina had one too

So grow tall sugarcane
Eat that soil, drink the rain
But know they’ll chase you if you play their little games
So run, run fast sugarcane
Yeah you better run, run fast sugarcane

And she said always be afraid
Yeah you should always be afraid…

To grow tall sugarcane
Eat that soil, drink the rain
But know they’ll chase you if you play their little game
So run, run fast sugarcane
You you better run, run fast sugarcane

a dArK oCeAn

The morning sun has come over

the horizon, and I have faced my

most obsessed demon’s once again

within my normal time mark.

I face the dark sea of deep and dirty monsters

and once again

I face it with all my might

Standing at the very edge of the lustful shore.

my soul is tossed into the raging sea

I watch as the waves swallow me whole

~L

Hello

Well this is new to me… but I thought I would give it a try.  I write a lot and who knows maybe I can relate with someone out there.  My life is just lying in all these piled up journals….  maybe this will be my new journal.  The world can see how strange I am:)  oh… and for sure will see how spelling is my strong point:)  Ha:) LOL!  I tend to be very sarcastic…. which will most likeyly be mistaken over the web… but o well…

I like to use… a lot…. :)  not sure why but I obsessively do it.  Well my hope in the next few months is that I begin to heal a little more in this mess of my life… learn how to be more positive with my thought life, not be so hard on my self and be a better mom to my 9 year-old.  My need to grow closer to my Lord is huge right now…. I feel a little distant right now… “sigh”!  Well here goes nothing… what do I have to loose….