Pages and Pages
From all stages
From the small ages
To present as it engages
Left untreated
Secreted
uncompleted
Title a moment.
-pain
Title several moments.
-Inhumane
Leave me untitled
and call me Jane
There’s nothing left to explain
Nothing remains
It’s all in-vain
Everything remains…
.It’s vulgarly insane!
.
.
.
if you want to listen to ~L read poem…
if you want all of my heart….
Posted in Poems by ~L, Random Blog Posts
Tagged a little of this and that, blah, fight, hurt, music, Poems by ~L, thoughts, tired
You’re on the other side of this wall, aren’t you?
It doesn’t matter how thick… it’s extent
I still feel your green eyes penetrating through
Weaving around double-crossing re-rod
Wondering, can they ever be bent?
Her quite prayer’s to God…
Have they already been spent?
The cold air has left the feeling of déjà-vu
Is it you in the air…
or is it my guilt and its crew?
True or false
I feel it though
And whoa!
Don’t they think they’re the boss!
.
I’m worn-out with all the trying
Trying to let me let you speak
Here I leave you stuck in poetry and pros
Writing on pages, Dear Diary…
then keeping you closed
It’s not effective, I know
I want to scream you out
I want for you
to believe your words can be heard
That you have that right to title your secrets
I just keep striking out
My word!
My voice is incredibly slurred!
I’m afraid I’m not brave
I’m terrified
Shame – a title wave
Fear- classified
Maybe it’s not always a blessing we survived?
Just maybe it would’ve been better to title a grave
Others judge what they see?
Yet, I’m the one living with she
There are places in this mind,
that I have never been able to find
That is where you lie, isn’t it?
In such pain confined
You’re trapped there, aren’t’ you?
.
You speak to me in dreams
Remind me in cold air pleas
You try to tell me in the energy
Under the full moon – it’s extreme
It’s hard to love myself
When I abandon such a small child
Keep her on a dusty dark shelf
On the other side of a wall, feeling reviled
There is no guarantee to know
if it’s safe to come out and breath?
I don’t know sweetie…
I honestly don’t know
.
And as I keep trying
You keep crying
Wondering
If heaven’s been packed away
While we just keep dancing
in a homicidal ballet
..
.
*Dance in the dark, picture credit to – lown_c with flicker. Click on picture to see more of this talented work.~
The most perfect song that finishes the words I can’t find… a complete to this post … “baby ballerina, is hiding somewhere in the corner”…
Posted in Healing one day at a time, My favorite posts
Tagged a little of this and that, abuse, childhood, help, lost, past, poetry, remembering, Sound Cloud, traumatic memories, voice
It is as if everything leaves your 
body. Your soul is all that is left and you would do about anything to stay in a place so holy. Your mind starts ripping you back to your flesh, thoughts instigate an interference; you are slipping from glory. The senses… intense. Concentration interrupted during the moment’s in-between and your mind fights to stay; yet the magnet of your disruptive thoughts lures you away. There are those fleetingly glorious, travels, back to that inconceivable realm and for a split second… you are just that soul once again.
Distractions, they pull you away, and you let them… although it seems like you are trying with every ounce of your being… your mind continues to battle for a place in this remarkable space. Judgments of self-worth leave you feeling unworthy of just being a soul… you give up on your fight; although your experience may have been mind-blowing; you let your mind stay with the views of obscurities. You’ve seen and experienced too much loss of 
hope. Your mind has let your soul slip out of that glorious sphere one too many times. Evil has tainted sanctity and now your mind believes, it is shame that deserves the stake in your heart.
To deserve to be in such a moment where all energy leaves, where you become weightless, where you are fully wrapped in a moment as your mind allows all logic and science to be placed on hold – while you experience fully being one with a force unexplainable; it is going to take much practice, self-love and a lot of faith… until then, perhaps He could delay sundown…
-
Posted in Free Write Fridays, Random Blog Posts
Tagged a little of this and that, dreams, Holy place, hope, Love, place so holy, Self-love, Soul
Crying for Heaven’s rainbow beams
Hell’s flames haunt my dreams
Child’s faith I once embraced
Along this path it’s been misplaced
Here I lie in a memory of red
awaiting bravery to move ahead
I’m afraid of a dark code
that lingers on this yellow brick road
It’s not that easy to click your heels
and just go home and heal
God if you’re listening…
Hold me by a thread if you must
as I learn to grieve and trust
Courage, wisdom and heart I need
This would be my greatest plea
I miss Your sacred touch
To the heights of the Heavens – that’s how much
Posted in Healing one day at a time
Tagged a little of this and that, childhood, courage, poetry, prayer
“God, I am in awe of the beauty of Your nature that surrounds us… It’s as if you opened up the heavens and sprinkled beauty so pure for us to marvel at such a wonder. We, who are poets, writers, photographers, and artists; we strive to create words that express… capture pictures to illustrate and paint stories to convey. And yet You, with one breath, dust beauty among us ”
Here I stand looking into the heavens, and knowing, that this is the God who spoke light and divided darkness, placed the stars in the heavens and painted sunsets that take our breath away. We could never come close to capturing the beauty of His artistry. To be able to illustrate as He has - no mortal man could compare. So here I stand amongst these trees, lifting my hands; captured by His grace and cleansed with His mercy, as it washes this unworthy soul white as snow. 
Posted in My art work, Random Blog Posts
Tagged creation, faith, God, Love, photography
I hide my face that grins and lies
Behind a mask to disguise
There she cries
In the shadow of their religion
I have been uninvited
Torn and bleeding
As they pass on by with their tries
Why should the world see such a mess
Witness all my tears
and sighs
Avoid my cries
Shun the story behind
my eyes
My damage is an unattractive story
Thus the hiding behind
a mask
Have I fallen short
from glory
Perhaps I lie in purgatory
Posted in Healing one day at a time, Poems by ~L
Tagged courage, faith, God, Mask, past, poetry, Religion and Spirituality
I Will Paint You A RainbowIf your rainbow becomes lost
I shall paint one for you in the sky
I will pull out my ladder
Use a magical brush
Paint you your hope
And bring to you love so lush
When skies are gray
and you moments are sad
I will passionately pray
For a promise to be made
You told me yesterday
“I’m your hope mommy”
And today I tell you,
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
Please don’t take my rainbow away
There will be days when you too
Will feel your rainbow has disappeared
I will be there through and through
To be your artist in the sky
To give ‘my reason’ a hopeful view
~~~~~~~~
For my beautiful little girl who I call ‘my reason’
Poem Read by: ~L with a song to her little girl at the end.
Posted in Poems by ~L
Tagged childhood, Daughters, dreams, faith, hope, Jingle Poetry, Love, mother, Poems by ~L, prayer
~
She lived in the fairy tales
A world she had to learn to leave behind
Narnia now trails
And she’s much too old
to set a sail
To play make- believe
is now only naive
“Never – Never Land”
is never to be restored
Her enchantment lingers
no more
She’s gone back to reality forevermore
~
The time has come
to bury this castle
Time to sail away
Say goodbye to her hero
and bid farewell to the magic
Reality…. it’s tragic
Time to face the ugly truth?
To speak out loud the proof?
Healing is in voice?
Violence must be muttered
This child speaks and flutters
As she’s ripped from the only security ever known
Posted in My favorite posts, Poems by ~L
Tagged childhood, creative thinking, hope, imagination, Narnia, never never land, poetry
Unthinkable injustice
more than mind can comprehend.
Unthinkable in every aspect
unthinkable without end.
Deep within the soul of a man
Dark and controlled – unthinkable
The need to measure and to weigh
the need for justice now prevails
As grain by grain of sand is placed
upon those waiting scales.
Forgiving you was something I thought I would never do
Loving you was something that was crushed by disgust
Blaming you for it all became a tattoo
Appalled by the way you lived in disgust
And how you buried your head in the sand when you knew
For the first time this past year
I realized mom, that you have always loved your daughter
That you did the best you could in the unfathomable waters
Hiding the pain you felt in your high as you feared
It was the only way to survive the flooded dysfunction so severe
Your alcoholic husband and his spontaneous fits of rage
Were followed by the Two A.M Bar closing s inebriated
With his arrival back home the bomb had been detonated
His ego and control became his useful and intoxicating stage
And now this hot tempered man became exceedingly animated
Continue reading
Posted in Poems by ~L
Tagged childhood, Forgiveness, Love, memories, mother, past, Poems by ~L, poetry, Religion and Spirituality, Trust
I am many
Stuck within one human body
Feeling the weight of each fear
Separate memories weaved
As they all Embody
Each tear
As nothing seems to be clear
It’s a confusing place
A reality I hesitate to face
A shame that no one will understand
What is trapped with in this vase
I skim life with hesitation
Worry I may fail
Dread I won’t live up to an expectation
Either to others
Or the me, and my many
Insecurities
Embarrassments
Shame – guilt
Sealed in her basement
That has despondently been built
Posted in Free Write Fridays, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L
Tagged blah, courage, DID, Jingle Poetry, Poems by ~L, poetry, PTSD, voice
I know this last enduring flame may show some kind of hope…
But the binding fear and secret gloom
Have cast their deadly shadow
Amongst the darkness of sorrow and disbelief
Joined with solitude she’s left there to cope
She stores in her depth a morsel of hope
Yet it does not release this elevating grief
Feed the faith
Starve the doubt
Posted in Healing one day at a time, Poems by ~L
Tagged darkness, depression, faith, hope, hopelessness, Jingle Poetry, Poems by ~L, poetry, Trust
There are limitations
This I understand
We’re such a fragile creation
What I want
what I need
Protect her… protect her
Please
She runs
Imagining what could come
And when she finds her key
she locks it away
So many years
of doubting self
and riding fear
She knows what’s in her
but she’s so afraid to care
She dreams to grow, but oh
Continue reading
At The Close of Her Day
~L
She’s searching a valid response
if she may
A conclusion of love
at the close of her day
A support to understand
While she takes the time to plan
Please don’t misunderstand
For she has not gone astray
She is now just finding her way
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She is burdened by much uncertainty
So much frustration of doubt and insecurities
She prays for one to understand
It seems the unavailability
For her security
Is not in demand
She longs for stability
To hold her tight in her humility
For she can’t seem to find the energy
to battle all theses demons and her impurities
She’s running at such a disgracing pace
With shame she hides her face
And asks how
How is it that she has come to this disenchanted place
And how could God allow
Allow these demons to embrace
these memories that retrace
She’s doing the best in the midst of this fear
the hours of darkness have been so surreal
She seeks a place of protection
Where she can feel a safe connection
A place to bring direction
Not perfection
Just a place for reflection
From all the evil evil years of disconnection
Posted in Poems by ~L
Tagged a little of this and that, alone, faith, PTSD, scared, searching, Trust
I have demons screaming in my mind
Ghosts of past haunting present time
My soul seems to be in a bind
and prayers have been denied
Oh, how I tried to trust…
To be faithful and not blind
This body has been too abused
And the night has been consequently unkind
Courage has been declined
My whole life has been entwined within
an atrocious crime
The clock has chimed
This one last time
Is there any way to unwind
The hands of time?
So I’m sure if I give it enough time the words will come.
11:00 – 11:08 – 11:20 – 11:25. …sigh
Look, I have a lot of words to say – but I think I have more tears than words. …and sometimes that’s all that needs to be said are tears, and then hope that someone will hear what can’t seem to be verbalized. — because it’s important to me.
Posted in Healing one day at a time
I’ve seem to have lost the words
I’m not sure where they went…
Perhaps I’m discouraged that my depression is back and has spiraled into a pain that is unexplainable. I feel shame and guilt for feeling this way after two years of searching for wholeness and healing. What a disappointing fall. I’ve struggled with aloneness… and now that I barely write or blog… I feel like I’ve lost this community too.
I re-read many of my posts and say that’s exactly how I feel but whats the point of reposting them now? I don’t have many others that say it loud enough like:
PTSD – This is what it feels to me.
~or
It’s just a mess right now… a discouraging and embarrassing mess. I’m trying to write… but the words just are not coming together like they used to…
missing you all
~L
When I can’t find the words to verbalize
I capture it behind a camera that implies
Paint you a color to realize
Give you a song to reprise
and though it’s not direct, I have generalized
The story within my eyes
If the saying is true
that a picture is worth a thousand words
Then this is just another way to construe
And the saying let my words be few
Is just another point of view
It would leave many of you with a chill
To know those thousand words in one still
It would pull back the clouded vision
From the ones who think they understand the drill!
Perhaps then some would discern
they truly haven’t been displaying a goodwill.
That's A Bright Idea...
I wonder what would happen If I literally combined all the colors , pictures and songs in a container shook it all up; As this container of such is like my mind’s retainer of all the memories that have been unspoken. Many of them hold far too many words to sift through grammar and logic… how it will sound and what memory should be first. When your mind is stacked with untitled moment after untitled moment… you can’t just put your mind on pause and choose one. In this very visual right brain idea; I think this is the ticket to overcoming the overwhelming anxiety of speaking a loud what had seemed to have been the unspeakable. So in courage I would place all these untitled moments in front of me… I shall reach my hand in and randomly take out a memory and then with valor speak the words to the pain of the very moment that I hold in my hands.
I am choosing to free the memories as hard as it, to grieve what was never
allowed, to receive love that was never given and feel safe where it was never provided. The freedom to breath and realize their hands aren’t really there, their voices are just haunting lies and then to know it’s now just a memory.
I don’t have to feel the power of their lies anymore… I will feel the emotions and sensations as I speak what was once denied… grieve the many losses …then stamp ‘titled’ on a long-awaited memory that I now choose to be part of who I am; another layer; another moment titled and another that no longer has power over me. So here it is… all my inconspicuous ways of saying the unsaid with pictures, music, and creative poems that hide a deeper meaning; One by one titling all the untitled moments in my life… the only way that feels right.
The key to unlocking this box for me is feeling safe and support as I struggle to feel very alone in this aftermath of untitled moments scattered all around. ..so one by one…(sigh) I get it… this will leave me standing on a solid ground; with what once was ashes will soon be turning into something beautiful.
I think it’s important we don’t forget what makes us-us. We can heal using the way God uniquely desighned us to be. For me it’s living in a music box, swimming in an ocean of color and rhythmic words, and standing under a rainbow of captured stills that tell my story; rain and shine.
Be you… always… even in the pain, never stop believing in who God made you to be.
Posted in My art work, My favorite posts, Poems by ~L
Tagged Art, colors, creativity, Memory, music, painting, poetry, PTSD, right brain
I have sent many friend requests to sleep -
Yet sleep keeps ignoring me; thinking it
does not remember me.
I know it’s been a long time…
But HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME?
Remember…
I was the one who liked you soooo much
I couldn’t get enough you…
and now you just forgot!
Sleep does not want to be my friend :\
Sleep???? :( I tried you for the past 6 hours:( I wish you wanted me as much as I wanted you:/
Friend Request still pending
(Ha! how is that for fluent sarcasm!) ;)
Thanks for visiting 'Untitled Moments' Where breaking the silence is a learned journey for me. Passion fills many of my posts and pain is spilled throughout ... as splashes of hope and my faith fight its way to the top, someday there they will stay in victory...humbly shinning with purpose and confidence.
One of L’s favorite blogs… check it out :) The Other 167 Hours
